nothingbutblueskies Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 So back in May(?) I posted here talking about how I was hating being the OM. From that thread, I decided to 'end things,' but considered everyone crazy for saying I couldn't remain friends with her after the fact.. after all, I'm still friends with several of my ex-girlfriends and there are no problems there. Well, as the title says, you guys were right and I was totally wrong. The last three months of my life have been the most hellish months of my life. I was stripped of my dignity, self-esteem and self-respect. I became severely depressed and thought of suicide quite often :\ Then, last night I found my balls. Her husband was coming home from being out of town on business and she said I couldn't text her until she texted me first. Something (everything) about that sat with me the wrong way and after a few hours of thinking I decided to lay my cards out on the table. I told her how I felt. She told me every day how much of an amazing person I am, so I threw that back in her face and asked her why she would treat, and I quote, "the most amazing person she's ever met," like a second rate piece of **** once her husband walks in the door. I also then agreed with her, I am an amazing person. I've done a lot of impressive things in my life. I don't deserve to be second best. I am the best. Her answers ranged from dismissive to guilt-trippy. Once I realized that I was nothing more than a cheap play toy to her, whether she realized it or not (I honestly don't think that's what she intended, but that's neither here nor there), I politely told her to go **** herself and for her to never contact me again. She's now blacklisted from every means of communication I have, FB, twitter, my phone, etc... I am officially done with her. It's funny, because one of the things that always annoyed me about the affair was the power dynamic... in that, I had no power at all. I did what she wanted, I talked to her when she wanted, I saw her when she wanted. I realized the only power I truly had in this situation was putting an end to the whole thing, that or sending her husband a care package full of pictures / chat logs, but seeing as how I'd rather not be part of a murder-suicide, I chose the first option. Damn, it felt good to tell her off.
MissBee Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Great for you! I liked what you said about you being a play thing for her, whether or not she realized it. I think that is so important, as I don't think a lot of people in As set out to use and be malicious, but as being human would have it (as well as the obvious situational things that most As cannot get around), how things play out serves their own ends more than it being a mutually beneficial and fulfilling scenario. I can definitely relate to that feeling of imbalance, which isn't good for any relationship, which includes friendships. She may not be a "bad person" but this situation serves her ends more than it does yours and you do need a clean break from her to be able to regain your sense of self. You deserve that! She (and her her husband ) will be just fine! Goodluck with everything!
Gentlegirl Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I remember you. I feel sorry that you had to go through all those months of torture. I am GLAd that you got to that certain point where you know you won't put up with it anymore. Good Job!
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I'm glad you found your balls and realized that no matter how much you love her and she loves you, you'll always be second fiddle in her life.. You DO deserve better! You ARE an awesome person..Worthy of great love and passion! Her loss, not yours. Grieve on the days you feel sad but do NOT even 'go' there in the sense of feeling like you're going to off yourself.. She's not worth losing your life over! She isn't about you, remember that. Hang tough man, stay strong and go have fun with your buddies. Life goes on!
spice4life Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Good for you! I know what you mean about stuff not sitting right. A's are full of that kind of stuff. Glad you decided to do you instead of accepting a part time situation. Good luck on your journey out!
Author nothingbutblueskies Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Great for you! I liked what you said about you being a play thing for her, whether or not she realized it. I think that is so important, as I don't think a lot of people in As set out to use and be malicious, but as being human would have it (as well as the obvious situational things that most As cannot get around), how things play out serves their own ends more than it being a mutually beneficial and fulfilling scenario. I can definitely relate to that feeling of imbalance, which isn't good for any relationship, which includes friendships. I've mentioned the play toy aspect of it to her in past 'break ups,' and she always hated me saying that. From a third party perspective, trying to remain as unbiased as I possibly can, I think she's been pretty ignorant about the entire thing, not just as it relates to me, but as it relates to her husband and herself as well. I don't think she knows or accepts that her marriage (for her) is under a heavy amount of stress. From what I know, and as well as have been told, her husband is away every month, for 1-2 weeks at a time. He requires 'assistance' in the bedroom and she has to beg him for sex. Whether or not that last bit is a lie she made to appease me, I don't know, but I'll hold it to be true for now. Based on how often we were in contact, I'd say it's probably not far off, lol. I think she loved me, I don't think she wanted to hurt me in anyway and I don't think she was purposely just using me in a premeditated way. But that's all irrelevant, because an affair is what it is. I did everything I could to make her happy to the point where I was emotionally drained, but due to the circumstances she couldn't even hope to reciprocate as much as I needed. Oh well, I'm 28, attractive and have a booming career in front of me. I think I'll be the one who winds up better off in the end.
fooled once Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Oh well, I'm 28, attractive and have a booming career in front of me. I think I'll be the one who winds up better off in the end. and this is why you will have good things from here on out. I love your positiveness and your determination to never again be someone's play toy!!! Best of luck to you!!
Author nothingbutblueskies Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) Of course you had the power. It's nice that you've managed to tear yourself away from this, for the time being anyway (so many people here come back posting about their "relapses"), but if the lesson you take away from all this is that what happened in the affair was because you had no power, you're just playing the "victim game." That's the wrong lesson from this experience. When you acknowledge that you have 100% power over your actions (as easily proven by the fact that the affair ended exactly when you decided it would end) then maybe you have learned a useful lesson from this. I've done the relapse thing over the past three months, and felt terrible about it every time. Unless she is divorced, 100% single and I happen to be single as well, there will be no relapse. As far as I'm concerned she is where I need her to be, out of my life. As far as the power thing, I'm not sure what your point is, because that's essentially what I said. I think in a way we're speaking about two different types of power. From a relationship stand point and as far as the affair was concerned, I had no power. I could not dictate when we saw each other or when I got to talk to her. When I tried, she always had something else going on. It's not victimizing myself, the only victim in this situation is her husband. Especially so if he never finds out, she never takes action to bring up or fix the problems in their marriage and does this again. The only aspect of the relationship I had control over was how and when it would end. She tried ending it once and I took that to mean it was over. We didn't talk for a week and once I started going out to parties and meeting other girls (she saw this on facebook) she came crawling back real quick. That's the nature of an affair and ending it is a power she cannot possess as it would go against the entire reason she's in an affair in the first place, e.g. being unhappy in her marriage. By asserting that power I effectively took control of my actions. And yes, I know now I always had the power, but I didn't then. How is that victimizing myself? Edited September 4, 2011 by nothingbutblueskies
Emme Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 :bunny:Applause:bunny: You are a new man! Enjoy the new you!
Author nothingbutblueskies Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 I didn't know that you had already relapsed but it might be easier to avoid future relapses if you acknowledge that you do in fact control your own actions. 100%. Why would her getting divorced and being 100% single make any difference? Your complaint is that she has treated you like dirt and if she gets divorced why would you think that would change? She treated her husband like dirt, she treated you like dirt, most likely (not uncommon with married cheaters) she's just a user anyway. The mere fact that you haven't recognized this is concerning. It's part of why this detaching process is so difficult for you, and people in your shoes. You have to look at things realistically. This woman you believe you are in love with is untrustworthy and doesn't treat her partners right. That's not the kind of person you can have a healthy relationship with. So you have total control to make the very simple decision that you will move on and not be in a relationship with her. No relapse is possible. But it does require you to let go of your ego and admit that you made a huge mistake in getting involved with someone like that in the first place. And not continue to perceive the relationship through a romantic fantasy lens. You chose to get involved with her because something inside you wanted to be subjected to abuse. When you had enough of her abuse, you said "enough." But you did that before and went back for a second helping. So you really need to figure out why you needed to get in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person, and pretend that her abuse of you (and of her own husband) was "love." Except you left the door open by saying you might relapse if she gets divorced, so she's not out of your life at all, really. As long as you leave the door open in your mind to any possibility of ever getting back together with her you will not be able to move on. The only power you have is over your own actions and boundaries, which you always controlled 100%. What other kind of power did you think you were talking about? Yes you did. You absolutely did. You had 100% power to set the boundaries of what you were willing to tolerate as ground rules for being in a relationship with her. As proven by the fact that when you get fed up enough (periodically anyway) you terminate the relationship. You obviously had 100% power not to get involved with a married woman in the first place. "I had no power" is a lie which you can tell yourself if you want to but won't help you to believe it. You could absolutely dictate your boundaries as to under what circumstances and context you would be willing to interact with her. You also had absolute control over what you were willing to accept from her. On the other hand you could not force HER to do anything she didn't want to. That means you were both exactly equal in the relationship. Stop playing poor little 'ol victim. So? That's the nature of a mutual relationship. Both parties have to be on the same page. Both have an absolute veto power over the whole thing. It's not that you had no power, it's that you wanted to exert power over her, but she wouldn't let you. Too bad, so sad. If he's a victim then you're one of the perpetrators. It's not your business to help her cheat on him, then pretend to be his advocate after the affair is over. You're just rationalizing mulling over going to the husband, disclosing, and trying to destroy the marriage, under the fantasy that she will come back to you. Again it's not up to you to assume the role of the betrayed husband's "advocate." You couldn't care less about the husband, in fact you're tremendously jealous of him, as is very clear in your first post. You were SO SO offended that she drops everything and ignores you when her husband's around. I LOL'ed when I read that--he's her HUSBAND. Get your head out of your @ss please. You ARE "second best," maybe third or fourth best if she has been having simultaneous affairs on her husband. OK now I think I get it--you must have had a very domineering, controlling castrating mother, so by having this affair, you are reliving the childish fantasy of being dominated/controlled by a sexualized, powerful "mother" figure. Dude you always had control over whatever you did or didn't do in this affair. Only a feckless @ss would try to claim otherwise and look for sympathy for such a claim. Then on top of that claim to care about the husband that he helped her to cheat on. The reason that she was able to "take advantage of you" (if she did) is because you're a weak person. Players like your OW target weak people like yourself, people who have a need to be abused by others. But that doesn't mean you lacked control over what was happening, anymore than any other masochist lacks control over their presence in the S&M dungeon. They are there because they WANT to be there, just as you were in your affair because you WANTED to be there. The only really interesting question here is why anyone would want to be in such a f*cked up relationship in the first place, although judging by reading here you certainly have plenty of company. If she came "crawling back" then it seems she didn't have all the control did she. Proving my point that what really bugs you is not that you lack any control, it's that you want to exert control over HER. Which my friend you don't get to do. Just because you were emotionally abused by mommy long ago doesn't mean you have the right or even the power or ability to control or manipulate the actions of your substitute mommy-figure. Thinking that you have that power will leave you forever frustrated (as you are now.) She can end it just like you can, by a snap of the fingers. You both have veto power. Being unhappy in her marriage is an excuse for the affair but is not the reason she is having the affair. Because obviously the person with whom she chose to have the affair with, yourself, she regards with disrespect, and therefore, she is not really looking at you as a replacement for her husband. You are just a fantasy tool whom she uses to take her revenge on whomever her husband represents (probably her father). If she gave you a hatchet and told you to chop your dick off to prove your eternal love for her, and you were stupid enough to actually chop your dick off, would that mean you lacked the power to not chop your dick off? Christ, settle down. I wasn't trying to pick an internet fight. Despite the condescension, I agree with much of what you said. Points well taken.
spice4life Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Posterchild, he is entitled to his feeings as he mourns himself out of this relationship. Yeah, so what, the guy made a bad decision and got involved with a MW. It happens, people make mistakes and they LEARN from them. It's not like he is "stuck" in some viscious crazy cycle that he has no control over. He is a guy who made a bad choice and got involved with a committed person and once he saw the reality, he decided to walk away for good. His anger is targeted at the MW right now....sure. So what?! He's mourning the loss of a relationship. He will, in time, get to a place of acceptance and then indifference and SHE will not matter anymore. She will just be a part of his past. Now that he is out, he will heal and WON'T be stuck. It appears your trying to compare him to something else other than normal feelings at the end of an affair. His story isn't much different than others at the end of an A. It's just a a f*cked up situation all the way around and both th OM and the MW are to blame. And of course he is upset that he can't be with the one he loves...it's very frustrating. That's not about control, that's about just being frustrated. It's not like he has weird tapes playing in his head over and over with irrational thoughts he can't control. He is just upset that he can't spend time with the person he really enjoys spending time with. That's normal under the screwed up circumstances and now that he is done with her, he will accept it and move on eventually. In the meantime, there will be a lot of feelings, good bad and ugly until he gets there.
stressed7 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 @posterchild, This was blunt but very helpful. It applies not only to OP, but many others on LS. Thanks
East7 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 NBBS, As I posted in may, she wasn't looking for a honest daylight relationship with you. She found a young attractive guy (You) to fill her emotional emptiness. The A was ALL about her, not about you. That's why you had to be there whenever she wanted, wherever she wanted. You had no power because you traded it for some "little love" she would give you once in a while. Now when you say you are officially over, I would be more cautious, because depending on how you were emotionally invested, you can't be totally over so quickly but it's great you took a resolution.
Gentlegirl Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Some people believe it is their duty to try and teach a drowning man how to swim. That's their thing and they do it all the time. There are others here who have been drowning before you and just want to hold out their hands to save you. Many hands are stretched out on LS to help you get to a better place. You didn't pick a fight. It was picked for you. Others have their own agenda and come here to try and teach us poor sinners a lesson. Bless their souls... I am sure they mean well. Just keep up NC, YOur MW probably didn't mean to treat you like a toy. Not being on your side of the triangle, she couldn't understand how you were feeling. XMM found it hard to understand why I felt like a doll he took out of a toy box and put back when he had to go home. In hindsight, I can see he wasn't capable of comprehending many facets of the R. He was coming from a different perspective entirely. The dynamic of the A changes as time goes on and people get hurt along the way. YOu and I know that know but not sure the APs get it. Just keep away from her and stay NC... it's a good start. Gentlegirl
Lostinlife4now Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Well Good for You!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so happy for you! Yes, you always held the power......STAY IN NC!!!!!!!! It does work...I am in it now....and I am doing just fine. Boy, I wish you were a little older...I would definitely date you. And I am SINGLE!
spice4life Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I hear what you are saying posterchild, points well taken. It was late and after reading your post, I felt really bad for nbbs and felt the need to defend him. That and few Labor Day cocktails. Anyway, you are right, he is still at risk and may have a few more relapses before this is all done. I know, I've BTDT. The A doesn't end until a person stands up and owns their part in the whole convoluted (?) mess. You are off on a few points though and particularly the one about obsession being there before the A. I can honestly say, definitely was not the case with me - I was never obsessed with anyone. An A is an addiction and that is what causes the constant relapses and yes, it does feel like an obsession. Not an excuse, just a reality. I don't why I made the comment about the tapes playing over and over. When I read it again this morning, I was like WTH? The cocktails maybe?...lol. NBBS, posterchild has made some very valid points and you are still very much at risk and vulnerable to relapse. Once you stop blaming and start owning, you will be able to walk away for good. The state of their marriage is not your concern. Figuring how you ended up here should be your only concern. Try to stay strong!
carhill Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 LOL, OP, I did both, first 'ending it' and later sending the 'care package'. I wouldn't know the results of those actions for another 14 years. Good luck in your recovery.
sleepessinoh Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 So back in May(?) I posted here talking about how I was hating being the OM. From that thread, I decided to 'end things,' but considered everyone crazy for saying I couldn't remain friends with her after the fact.. after all, I'm still friends with several of my ex-girlfriends and there are no problems there. Well, as the title says, you guys were right and I was totally wrong. The last three months of my life have been the most hellish months of my life. I was stripped of my dignity, self-esteem and self-respect. I became severely depressed and thought of suicide quite often :\ Then, last night I found my balls. Her husband was coming home from being out of town on business and she said I couldn't text her until she texted me first. Something (everything) about that sat with me the wrong way and after a few hours of thinking I decided to lay my cards out on the table. I told her how I felt. She told me every day how much of an amazing person I am, so I threw that back in her face and asked her why she would treat, and I quote, "the most amazing person she's ever met," like a second rate piece of **** once her husband walks in the door. I also then agreed with her, I am an amazing person. I've done a lot of impressive things in my life. I don't deserve to be second best. I am the best. Her answers ranged from dismissive to guilt-trippy. Once I realized that I was nothing more than a cheap play toy to her, whether she realized it or not (I honestly don't think that's what she intended, but that's neither here nor there), I politely told her to go **** herself and for her to never contact me again. She's now blacklisted from every means of communication I have, FB, twitter, my phone, etc... I am officially done with her. It's funny, because one of the things that always annoyed me about the affair was the power dynamic... in that, I had no power at all. I did what she wanted, I talked to her when she wanted, I saw her when she wanted. I realized the only power I truly had in this situation was putting an end to the whole thing, that or sending her husband a care package full of pictures / chat logs, but seeing as how I'd rather not be part of a murder-suicide, I chose the first option. Damn, it felt good to tell her off. I am, or my plan is to remain friends with my xmm per his request. I am currently in NC till I am ready to be friends and as of right now, I am not. But I am wondering what the boundaries were of your friendship after the A ended or if being friends got the A started up again?
Author nothingbutblueskies Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 I hope you're right but real healing requires a deep understanding of why a person got involved in such a relationship in the first place. Why did the OW even seem like an attractive partner in the first place? Why did being with a married woman in general, not specifically pertaining to this particular OW, seem like an attractive option in the first place? Is it perhaps because the person believes they lack other or better options? If so, then healing might require changing one's life so as to be able to have or create other/better relationship options. Or, accepting that not being in a relationship at all might be a better choice then getting involved with someone who is already involved with someone else. Yes, people make bad choices in relationships, but to stop from doing the same sort of thing in the future, we have to understand why we made those bad choices. You can't get to understanding "why" you made a bad choice if you start out denying that you were aware that you made a conscious choice in the first place. The first step in the process of understanding "why" is to acknowledge that we did make a choice, a decision in the first place. So many people who get involved in affairs say some variation of "It just happened/it was an accident/I had no control of it". That's just a way of not taking responsibility for one's self. But if I'm not responsible for what I did then how can I ever change it? It happened on accident, I had no control over it. I know the reasons why I got involved in the affair. Up until I was 23 I weighed 410 lbs, was severely depressed and had attempted suicide 2 times. To say I had self worth problems would be an understatement. I've lost ~190 lbs and I am working on fixing my own problems and started doing so separately from the affair. I've been in counselling for the last 3 months as well not only to get through my own problems but to ensure I understand what happened to make me consciously enter that situation. I am doing more than you give me credit for and I'm not as stupid as you think. I don't think I actually compared OP to anything but I agree that his story is more or less typical. Lots of people get into affairs, often a series of affairs, or remain stuck in a non-productive long term affair, because they never look in the mirror and accept the responsibility for their part in it. You compared me to someone in an S&M Dungeon. Once a person accepts that it's themselves who is hitting themself in the head with a hammer, that's their own hand on the handle banging away at their own skull, then they just might have a chance at putting the hammer down. I've known this for the last 15 years, I just hadn't really cared until recently. THAT is one of the questions OP and others in his position need to figure out. Obsessing over who calls who back or what she is doing with her husband or why she didn't do this or that or all that sort of "relationship trivia" is nothing but a waste of time, a distraction. I'm not really obsessing over those things, and I know why I entered into the affair. I posted about those things because they were the catalyst that made me realize what I had done was incredibly stupid.
Author nothingbutblueskies Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 I am, or my plan is to remain friends with my xmm per his request. I am currently in NC till I am ready to be friends and as of right now, I am not. But I am wondering what the boundaries were of your friendship after the A ended or if being friends got the A started up again? There were none, and there will be none for you. You cannot remain friends with him. Let's face it, you probably don't want to be just his friend and he doesn't want to lose the extra sex on the side from you. Our 'friendship phases' lasted 2-3 days tops.
MissBee Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Some people believe it is their duty to try and teach a drowning man how to swim. That's their thing and they do it all the time. There are others here who have been drowning before you and just want to hold out their hands to save you. Many hands are stretched out on LS to help you get to a better place. You didn't pick a fight. It was picked for you. Others have their own agenda and come here to try and teach us poor sinners a lesson. Bless their souls... I am sure they mean well. Just keep up NC, YOur MW probably didn't mean to treat you like a toy. Not being on your side of the triangle, she couldn't understand how you were feeling. XMM found it hard to understand why I felt like a doll he took out of a toy box and put back when he had to go home. In hindsight, I can see he wasn't capable of comprehending many facets of the R. He was coming from a different perspective entirely. The dynamic of the A changes as time goes on and people get hurt along the way. YOu and I know that know but not sure the APs get it. Just keep away from her and stay NC... it's a good start. Gentlegirl Great post Gg!
wannabdone Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Congratulations!!!! That is awesome!!!! Its always a great feeling when we remove our head from our ass!!! I have to agree with the earlier post, I think a lot of people don't set out to treat ppl this way when having A. But I think as time goes on and we (OW/OM), bend and accept, its like a snow ball that gets out of control. Bottom line..... if it isn't good for you.....get out. That is easier said than done, but we must do it. Just prepare yourself for her trying to come back. Stay strong!!! Keep posting updates!!
mzdolphin Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 The whole notion of post affair friendship is a lie. My exMM insisted on maintaining a friendship. It was his way of keeping the door open. You have to set them straight. I told him I'm allowed to visit my friends at home. When he was coming to town and wanted to stop by, as a friend, I said "Can I roll up to your front door and stop in and say hi?" Then you can't roll up to mine. If I'm a real friend then your wife would know about me. You would invite me to your kid's graduation, or at least I'd buy them a gift, because that's how friends behave. And friends don't lie to each other. It's easy to get stuck in the "friendship stage" and pretend you're doing the "adult thing". But the MM is not your friend. Even if they were before the affair. They are not now.
Woman In Blue Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 BlueSkies - plain and simple, you are my hero.
wannabdone Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I've done the relapse thing over the past three months, and felt terrible about it every time. Unless she is divorced, 100% single and I happen to be single as well, there will be no relapse. As far as I'm concerned she is where I need her to be, out of my life. As far as the power thing, I'm not sure what your point is, because that's essentially what I said. I think in a way we're speaking about two different types of power. From a relationship stand point and as far as the affair was concerned, I had no power. I could not dictate when we saw each other or when I got to talk to her. When I tried, she always had something else going on. It's not victimizing myself, the only victim in this situation is her husband. Especially so if he never finds out, she never takes action to bring up or fix the problems in their marriage and does this again. The only aspect of the relationship I had control over was how and when it would end. She tried ending it once and I took that to mean it was over. We didn't talk for a week and once I started going out to parties and meeting other girls (she saw this on facebook) she came crawling back real quick. That's the nature of an affair and ending it is a power she cannot possess as it would go against the entire reason she's in an affair in the first place, e.g. being unhappy in her marriage. By asserting that power I effectively took control of my actions. And yes, I know now I always had the power, but I didn't then. How is that victimizing myself? NBBS.... Just fyi.... I have yet to see one post so far that posterchild has said that is uplifting or helpful. It seems that this person is on a misson to make people feel worse about themselves in a hard time. So I would let most of what is said go in one ear and out the other. Some people just don't get it, and apparently never will. Again, I am very proud of you. I know how hard it is to come from the very pit of darkness and rise up and do something for you. Very courageous and I applaud you. Keep up the good work. And as I said before, just guard your self for her trying to reach out to you. People will do and say anything to just get what they want. You know??? Please keep posting, so we know how you are.
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