Frozeninspace Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 My husband told me yesterday he wants a divorce because he feels he has done his job as a husband and father now that our son is graduating from college this fall. He said he's tired of pretending he loves me and he's still upset about my affair I had 10 years ago. He said he can't stop thinking about how I disrespected him all those years ago and it has been ingrained in his head. I can't even begin to explain how shocked I am by what he told me. I didn't know he had these feelings inside of him. I thought we had already moved on from the past. He even told me himself that he came to peace with what happened and that our marriage was okay. I was remorseful for him and did whatever he wanted to convince him that our marriage was worth fighting for. I tried to plead with him to try and work it out but I guess my begging made him angry and he just went off on me. Yelling and screaming in my face. He refuses to speak to me today and every time I try to get near him he tells me to leave him the f*ck alone. He said he's been looking at apartments and he will move out sometime next month. I mean was it something that I said or did recently that pissed him off? This is just so random and I feel like my head is spinning. Anything I can do? I don't want a divorce, I love him.
Saul Goodman Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 (edited) First off, by being a "cheater", you will most likely get flamed by a lot of posters here (although it would be nice if I was proven wrong). I hope you have developed a thick skin. Anyway, what your husband has done is actually quite a common plan. He never forgave you for your affair. He stopped loving you soon after your affair. He has most likely built up a wall of apathy/resentment after your affair. He has been lying to you ever since your affair. He's been planning to leave for a very long time. My advice would be to send him a final letter with your thoughts and make your peace with him. He made his mind up long ago. PS: I think that it is incredibly cruel to lie to somebody for 10 years. But every action has a reaction. Some reactions are more severe than others. Edited September 3, 2011 by Saul Goodman
Saul Goodman Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Actually, I take back what I said: You won't get flamed by "a lot" of posters here, since this isn't the most active site. Also, "a lot" is quite a relative term. The rest stays the same though. I stand by what I posted earlier. Your marriage as you knew it, died long ago. IMO your husband has been following the "fake it till you make it" mantra.
Author Frozeninspace Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Thanks you guys. Both of you are right. Saul I will write a letter to him detailing my feelings. I hope he'll read it. He looks so different now every time I glance at him. I wish he had just had told me he was still angry about what I did to him. And I don't know how our son will react once he knows about this. Twenty-one years of marriage and now he wants to leave me....
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 He obviously never got over it, nor did he forgive you. Maybe he tried to but couldn't so he chose to suck it up until the kids were old enough before he left. That time is now.. I do wonder after living a lie (so it seems on his end, you thought all was okay) if he met someone else and had a revenge affair? Anything is possible.. Just odd to all of sudden have so much hate and venom towards you. Sorry to say, with that said, it seems he's made up his mind. Not sure what you can do to try change his mind. did you two do marriage counselling in the past?
Author Frozeninspace Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 He obviously never got over it, nor did he forgive you. Maybe he tried to but couldn't so he chose to suck it up until the kids were old enough before he left. That time is now.. I do wonder after living a lie (so it seems on his end, you thought all was okay) if he met someone else and had a revenge affair? Anything is possible.. Just odd to all of sudden have so much hate and venom towards you. Sorry to say, with that said, it seems he's made up his mind. Not sure what you can do to try change his mind. did you two do marriage counselling in the past? Thanks Whichwayisup. That thought never crossed my mind. Before yesterday nothing was out of the ordinary. I pray he hasn't been seeing another woman but if he has, he must've been keeping it under wraps. But I'll check his phone and see if he's been doing something or not. Now you got really anxious.
Saul Goodman Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) Thanks you guys. Both of you are right. Saul I will write a letter to him detailing my feelings. I hope he'll read it. He looks so different now every time I glance at him. I wish he had just had told me he was still angry about what I did to him. And I don't know how our son will react once he knows about this. Twenty-one years of marriage and now he wants to leave me.... Wish you well Frozen. Knowing men that are in similar situations to your hubby, I'd say that if he has been living with this anger for so long, your chances of reconciliation (or even keeping things friendly) are pretty close to nil. But still, do your best and show him some compassion. Despite your past-affair, hopefully he can at least do the same for you. You're still a human being. if he met someone else and had a revenge affair? Anything is possible.. Just odd to all of sudden have so much hate and venom towards you. Possibly. Although if there is no sign of another woman I don't think that Frozen should worry about it. She has enough on her plate with the possible divorce. I'd say that he just kept it all bottled up and hidden for years. And when the time was right...bottled up no more. Edited September 4, 2011 by Saul Goodman
mike588 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 My now ex wife, 12 years ago, cheated on me, I took her back but just could'nt forget it deep down inside. I did forgive but could'nt forget the hurt that was done , the lost in trust etc. I hung in there as long as I could but the damage was done long ago.
BrettLost Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Frozeninspace, I feel for u, for him to live on with u after u assumed that bridge was crossed must be devastating. Clearly it was a wound that never really healed. In my own case, this is clear justification not to even attempt reconcilliation should that option present itself. The hurt, pain and mental damage done to your perspective on ur spouse, life, trust, kids and marriage itself is scarred forever. For him to live on for 10 years with it (the hurt, resentment) under the surface, is almost like a betrayal in itself. I'm guessing inside though, he would have loved u to at least attempt to sweep it under the carpet enough to continue the partnership. We can forgive, but must never forget.
Author Frozeninspace Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 I took a peek at his phone this morning while he was sleep and didn't see any constant calls to a specific number or any messages that showed he was talking to another woman. I do admit that I felt a little relief despite what he recently told me. I decided to make breakfast this morning with the intention that he'll open up and talk to me. Surprisingly he sat down and ate at the table with me. While we were eating I asked him how did he feel and he said the same. I grabbed his hand and asked him to just talk to me and he pulled away and said he won't talk about it. So we sat there in silence for a moment. Then he started bringing up what happened. Saying how he hated when I told him I loved that piece of sh*t and hated that I came up to the hospital to see him when I was still f*cking around on him. We both started crying. I went to hold him and kept telling him I was sorry. We held each other for what seemed like an eternity. He went back to bed after that. I don't know where to go from here. God it's like I'm on a ride that's going up and down.
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Tell him you'll give him space to figure things out, but I'm suggesting you also add, marriage counselling too. It could help save the marriage, if he's willing to work through this..He buried everything and now it's all come up, biting him hard. His actions certainly don't match his words at the moment..Going back to bed and all..
soserious1 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) Thanks you guys. Both of you are right. Saul I will write a letter to him detailing my feelings. I hope he'll read it. He looks so different now every time I glance at him. I wish he had just had told me he was still angry about what I did to him. And I don't know how our son will react once he knows about this. Twenty-one years of marriage and now he wants to leave me.... Actually dear you left him the day you decided to bed another man. Your husband is smart, he stayed in his own home, had daily contact with his child. Now that the boy is graduating from college & is launched as an adult,your husband can remove you from his sight with no worries that he'll have to fork over most of his income to you via child support payments, no sitting in his parent's basement working his butt off to pay you while some other guy lives in his house and has more contact with his kid than he does! Now he can unload you & as an added bonus, he'll be quite attractive in the dating world now, a successful divorced man, unencumbered by child support payments or alimony. You, OTOH are 10 years older & most likely about to be outted to everybody you know, exposed as an unfaithful cheat who destroyed her family. Your husband will come up smelling like roses when all is said and done! Sorry but I give your husband huge kudo's, you earned everything you are getting now Edited September 4, 2011 by soserious1 2
musemaj11 Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Actually dear you left him the day you decided to bed another man. Your husband is smart, he stayed in his own home, had daily contact with his child. Now that the boy is graduating from college & is launched as an adult,your husband can remove you from his sight with no worries that he'll have to fork over most of his income to you via child support payments, no sitting in his parent's basement working his butt off to pay you while some other guy lives in his house and has more contact with his kid than he does! Now he can unload you & as an added bonus, he'll be quite attractive in the dating world now, a successful divorced man, unencumbered by child support payments or alimony. You, OTOH are 10 years older & most likely about to be outted to everybody you know, exposed as an unfaithful cheat who destroyed her family. Your husband will come up smelling like roses when all is said and done! Sorry but I give your husband huge kudo's, you earned everything you are getting now Lol, spoken like a true victim of divorce.
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