SugarHoney Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I went NC on my ex several weeks ago, after telling him I couldn't be friends until my heart had healed and now I'm really regretting it as it feels like he may have cut me out of his life completely. And I didn't want that. I know there is nothing I can do now. But I feel really guilty for going NC on him and telling him it was too painful to be friends. because I really want him in my life and it hurts so much knowing that he may well have cut me out of his life all together. That he may have turned irreversibly cold on me because of all this heartbreak etc.
Nohbody Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 What you are feeling is normal, but trust me when I say that your guilt is unnecessary. You can't control what he does or doesn't do, all you can do is work on yourself. You are still focusing on him quite a bit - and that's normal. You will be ok, I can promise you - as long as you want to be.
sun_moon Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Dont live in regret. I know you dont see this now but you did yourself a huge favor. Give it more time, you're still in pain. Honestly SugarHoney, you have to ask yourself this, why do I want contact with him anyway, if I cant have him or a relationship with him then why am I torturing myself? You deserve so much more, you deserve being wanted.
sarajean1984 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 you went ''no contact'' on your ex ,what did you expect him to do stay in your life ? he probably moved on and is with someone else him seeing you weren't gonna contact him ,did ya think he'd sit around and wait for you to contaact him ? that's what happens when you go no contact people move on I do not find this in the least bit helpful. It may be true may not be true. Just because you go NC or they go NC it does not mean...you will ever know what they are thinking. They broke up...I am honestly so jealous of you right now, that you have been able to stick to your guns and go NC. I do not know if it is fully or just talking to them. I myself still search on Facebook and all those stupid sites 2 months later. I honestly think you made the best decision. If talking to him hurt and was ripping you open every single time. It was a good choice. It is expected that he would not contact you though, because that is what you said you wanted. If you do any google search on how to heal from a relationship ending...almost every single site will say...the biggest mistake people make is assuming what the other person is feeling. It is not healthy and is not in your control. I think you should be proud...that you have been this strong for two weeks. I hope you heal soon...that would be amazing! Take care.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I regret not doing NC sooner... I would be ahead in the healing process by about 6 weeks. Sticking around just pushes them away. You can't push them away if you're no longer part of their life.
loverboy1984 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 if it makes you feel better your not in NC...sometimes neither am I or alot of the people here. Why? because although we are not calling/texting/emailing them we are in contact with them by thinking of them and analyzing everything. The result is the same, which is more pain and agony. If you like how this feels then contact him and make it more. Now you will have more things to think about and analyze as he still wont be in your life and you wouldnt have gained anything. Every contact I have made or has been made to me I have regretted just because how I felt the hours, days and weeks after. The pain is there because the wound hasnt healed so leave the bandaid on and dont contact the wound till it has healed.
Author SugarHoney Posted September 10, 2011 Author Posted September 10, 2011 Still really regretting going NC. Several weeks ago I sent my ex a text and an email asking him to please post me some stuff that I left at his house and he hasn't responded. I've no idea why, but he wanted to be friends before and now it feels like he's completely shut me out cold. The whole thing is making me feel really uneasy and I can't stop wondering why he's ignoring my request when before we were talking online and on the phone quite a bit, trying to stay friends and he was even suggesting we could do all these things together in the future before. I feel horrible about everything and I'm really wishing I'd never gone NC and told him it was too hard to be friends while my heart was healing. I wish I'd just kept in contact with him so we could have stayed friends. I know it was hard on me, but I hate to think I've lost him from my life forever and I'm also kind of upset that he won't post my stuff to me. Its not that important but I feel like him ignoring my email and not posting it to me is a horrible sign that he doesn't care at all anymore and has completely cut me out of his life forever.
Daremo_06 Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 If he was truly your friend in the first place, then he would have understood and given you time. I did the same thing with my ex the first time we broke up. I broke up with her, she wanted space, a few months later I said hi and we picked up our friendship and it became stronger than ever.
Author SugarHoney Posted September 10, 2011 Author Posted September 10, 2011 If he was truly your friend in the first place, then he would have understood and given you time. I did the same thing with my ex the first time we broke up. I broke up with her, she wanted space, a few months later I said hi and we picked up our friendship and it became stronger than ever. I thought he did understand and wanted to be friends. But now he's just ignoring me it seems. And it makes me feel very guilty and uneasy.
betterdeal Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Maybe he's decided he also can't be just friends with you too. In which case, you're in agreement. It's sad when something dies, but it has.
Author SugarHoney Posted September 10, 2011 Author Posted September 10, 2011 Maybe he's decided he also can't be just friends with you too. In which case, you're in agreement. It's sad when something dies, but it has. You think I may never hear from him again?
Graceful Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 I don't know. What makes you smile? Listen to betterdeal. He's a ray of sunshine, dispensing warmth. Soak it up.
lalalandman Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 why do you want a friendship with him?
Author SugarHoney Posted September 10, 2011 Author Posted September 10, 2011 why do you want a friendship with him? Because I'm a sad lonely person and he was the best friend I had. I'm regretting going NC sooo much now. Words can't describe how much I regret it. I really wish I could take back everything I said to him about it being too painful to be friends for now because as hard as I try and pretend that I'm moving on and I don't care anymore, really I do, and life seems so meaningless and empty without him in it.
betterdeal Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 It'll get better, but don't try and force it. What about family and other friends?
lalalandman Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 I know it's hard but just give yourself time apart and day by day things will get better for you. You can't have a platonic friendship with him, and you guys aren't together, so being apart is just the best thing. I don't think anything you said was wrong. You were being honest. Probably the NC would've happened eventually. It's just for the best.
M2155 Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 But now he's just ignoring me it seems. And it makes me feel very guilty and uneasy. Doesn't sound like NC if you're contacting him. And you said he wasn't contacting you before you went NC. You want him to come around and be friends on your timetable and he might not be ready. You can't force him to be friends. You feel guilty now because you've stopped trying, but he probably would've been ignoring you still regardless. Yes he probably will talk to you again when he really misses you.
Author SugarHoney Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 Doesn't sound like NC if you're contacting him. And you said he wasn't contacting you before you went NC. You want him to come around and be friends on your timetable and he might not be ready. You can't force him to be friends. You feel guilty now because you've stopped trying, but he probably would've been ignoring you still regardless. Yes he probably will talk to you again when he really misses you. No I didn't say that. He was contacting me before I went NC and he wanted to be friends, we did try and be friends for 4 months after we broke up, but he was giving me so many mixed signals, suggesting that he wanted to get back together with me. Turns out he didn't so I told him it was too painful to be friends until my heart had healed. I still think thats true, but I left some things at his house I was really hoping he would post to me. I sent him one email (just one brief request) about it after a month of complete NC and he's just completely ignored it. That makes me very sad. I know I can't force him to be friends but the fact that he's being so cold now when he was willing to be friends before I started the NC and told him it was too painful to be friends until my heart had healed makes me really really regret going NC and telling him being friends is too painful. Because even if its a bit painful for me really I still want him in my life and now he's gone and I feel like its all my fault yet again.
Casablanca Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 No need to feel guilty...you gotta do what is best for you
latexyankee Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Sugarhoney, at this point no matter what you do you will probably regret. If you go NC or stay in contact, either way it will hurt..very bad. I know that's not what you want to hear but these boards represent honesty and support not a quick fix, there is no such thing. There are many factors involving your split with him, many that you just cannot put into words in a post, trust me, we know. But the bottom line is that at some point you have to stand your ground and help YOURSELF. IT IS TOO PAINFUL or else you wouldn't have initiated NC to begin with. After several attempts to regain his attention, you see that has failed, so YOU have to do whats best for YOU. eff him, as much as it hurts eff him. You have to try and move forward as much as it hurts because it will show you what your made of and further build character. Even if your ultimate goal is to get back together, you have to go NC. He made his choice by not contacting you and you have to accept/respect that as hard as it may be. It is good for YOU and YOU is all you have right now. I am in the same boat, I want to break NC every day (it's been 85 days) got a break up email and never asked for ****. Its the hardest thing I've ever done but I know I'll never get the answers I want, and if I do get answers, will it really make it better? Hearing that the person you love just doesn't love you for whatever reason? Homebrew and others have stickies all over these boards and after you gather your thoughts and try to connect the heart and brain, they do make sense. If he wants you back, he WILL show initiative. And don't fall for the "I just wanna get laid BS" we're good at that. BE STRONG, and remember you are loved.
betterdeal Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 No I didn't say that. He was contacting me before I went NC and he wanted to be friends, we did try and be friends for 4 months after we broke up, but he was giving me so many mixed signals, suggesting that he wanted to get back together with me. Turns out he didn't so I told him it was too painful to be friends until my heart had healed. I still think thats true, but I left some things at his house I was really hoping he would post to me. I sent him one email (just one brief request) about it after a month of complete NC and he's just completely ignored it. That makes me very sad. I know I can't force him to be friends but the fact that he's being so cold now when he was willing to be friends before I started the NC and told him it was too painful to be friends until my heart had healed makes me really really regret going NC and telling him being friends is too painful. Because even if its a bit painful for me really I still want him in my life and now he's gone and I feel like its all my fault yet again. I demand you stop beating yourself up! Life really is too short and there are myriad others will to do it for you to be beating yourself up. If you want to be friends with him - or anyone else - you need to be the sparkly, good, whole, great, fantastic, lovely you that we all know is inside. Being friends is about being friendly, not about being sad. So don't be sad it's over just be happy it happened. Dry your tears up and start doing lots of other stuff and things that make you happy. It will all make much more sense if you do.
Author SugarHoney Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 I demand you stop beating yourself up! Life really is too short and there are myriad others will to do it for you to be beating yourself up. If you want to be friends with him - or anyone else - you need to be the sparkly, good, whole, great, fantastic, lovely you that we all know is inside. Being friends is about being friendly, not about being sad. So don't be sad it's over just be happy it happened. Dry your tears up and start doing lots of other stuff and things that make you happy. It will all make much more sense if you do. Honestly I do try and keep myself busy and distracted doing all these things that make me happy. But I just have this really uneasy feeling inside all the time, like there is something horribly wrong with my world and the fact that my ex seems to have cut me out of his life completely makes me very sad but also makes me feel horribly unsettled for some reason. I don't know why. I just have this horrible feeling that I ruined my life, lost this person who was the best friend I've ever (maybe that I'll ever had. And that however hard I try and pretend to myself that it doesn't matter, that I am moving on to new things, I'll never feel right again. I wake up with this horrible feeling that I failed everyday, that I had this chance to be with this great guy who I connected with in so many ways and that I may never get another chance like that. And I was so lucky to have met my ex and we spent so much time together and I invested so much time, money and effort in trying to make our relationship work, and I am happy we had the time together that we did, but it all just feels like a horrible waste somehow now.
betterdeal Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 It's okay to feel whatever you feel. I get the sense you're trying to hold onto feelings, and that's something that hurts us because feelings need to flow, to be felt, like a breeze or a river. How about not pretending and just accepting that you are where you are now. It's a new place and either you can keep seeing your decision as a mistake or you can start understanding why you made it. The first path will take you, well, to where you are now. The second will take you somewhere else. Where you are now doesn't feel so good, does it? So you might as well try the second path and see if that feels any better. Whaddya say?
M2155 Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I wake up with this horrible feeling that I failed everyday. You can't "fail" at your relationship without help, you are putting all the blame on yourself. Whatever you think happened, it's not the result of you needing a period of NC. You are thinking that you could have done something differently (I think that too about my situation and that I will never find that connection again) but you still can't change his actions or response to you. It's true a guy will fight for you and sometimes we can't be best friends again after we've had a romantic relationship until a lot of time has passed. Give him some time. It doesn't make you feel better now but you're life is not over!
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