alexa137 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 after almost 2 weeks of no contact, and i'm finally feeling a tiny bit better, and i havent cried in like a week, my ex sends me a message on facebook- just says "how are you" i dont know what to say, how long to wiat, i know to keep it simple, just like he did to me 2 weeks ago when i contacted him but why do men do this? its like they know youre getting over them and realizing its ok, and then bam! ugh!!! im gonna try to wait at least til tomm, but knowing me! lol! that probably wont happen! I kinda been having a feeling, well more of a im hoping and wishing that he is having the same problems as me on the dating sites, not being able to click with anyone else! i dont know im probably just getting too excited!
Nohbody Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Kill it with fire! Just kidding. What do you want to accomplish?
Thieves Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 First of all: calm down. I know it's exciting and even relieving to have an ex contact you, but you do NOT want to risk getting all excited for nothing. For all you know, it could be just breadcrumbs. If you REALLY want to reply to his fb message, okay. But I'd say don't. You've come too far now to mess it all up. But if you do, follow this. This is all just to save you more pain and embarrassment. Take it from a person who knows... 1: DO NOT reply today. Don't. Do not even reply tomorrow. Wait at least two or three days. No matter how much you wanna respond to him. 2: Write a long reply. Right now. Write all the long things you've been wanting to say during these 2 weeks, all the drama you want. You can even post it here. And then... don't send it. This is your 'fake message' that you're not actually going to send him, but it helps you get out all the stuff in your system that you've been holding in before you actually reply to him for real. 3: Now, write another reply. This will be your real one that you'll send. A rule that has always worked for me with responding to ex's for the first time is to make the message 5 sentences or less. Like you said, keep it short. Do not mention details about your relationship at all, and instead talk about what you've been up to lately. Keep it neutral and positive. 4: Done writing your reply? Here's the killer part... Don't send it. Wait 24 hours, and then read it over again. This will save your life. You'll most likely change some things in your message. I promise. Post your message here if you're not sure if you like what you wrote..
Thieves Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Oh, and if you just wanna tell him to leave you alone so you can keep no contact, simply write something like: Hey ____. Things are going good, living life as usual. Hope everything's good with you too. The thing is, even though it was nice hearing from you, I still feel it's too soon after the break up for us to be talking again. So it's probably best if we gave each other space so we can both live our own lives for a while. I'm sure you'll understand. Take care. - (Your name). Simple and polite.
Author alexa137 Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 sounds like good advice, i only really planned on just saying " im fine thanks for asking, and how are you? because i already did the asking why he stopped talking to me etc. about 2 weeks ago for closure( guess you would have to read all my previous posts) he told me it wouldnt work as a couple that we could remain friends, well thats too hard for me so i didnt reply i am going to try to wait til timm afternoon or evening(just gotta get off this computer!) i dont want to think i dont have a life(which i dont) especially since its the holiday weekend, but all im really doing is relaxing at home watching tv everyday(and on this computer!) i already did the note thing and then threw it away also thanks for the advice hopefully i can wait to respond!
Thieves Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 sounds like good advice, i only really planned on just saying " im fine thanks for asking, and how are you? because i already did the asking why he stopped talking to me etc. about 2 weeks ago for closure( guess you would have to read all my previous posts) he told me it wouldnt work as a couple that we could remain friends, well thats too hard for me so i didnt reply i am going to try to wait til timm afternoon or evening(just gotta get off this computer!) i dont want to think i dont have a life(which i dont) especially since its the holiday weekend, but all im really doing is relaxing at home watching tv everyday(and on this computer!) i already did the note thing and then threw it away also thanks for the advice hopefully i can wait to respond! Wait till tomorrow evening at least. I know you can wait! You've got it in you, girl, I can feel it You already did the note thing too, so you're stronger than you think! So try to make it a busy afternoon tomorrow so that it's not all you're thinking about, you know? The "I'm fine, thanks for asking" message is good too. No matter what, the bottom line is if you respond: Keep it very simple and stick to your guns. No wishy-washyness. And you said you don't wanna be friends with him. It's too hard, right? So right now, don't be friends with him. Tell him you appreciate him reaching out but you both need space anyway before you can be friends again. If he really does want a friendship then he'll understand that. If he doesn't like you asking for space and keeps bothering you on fb... well then, he probably knows you're trying to get over him and doesn't really want to be "friends". You can do this, I believe in ya
Author alexa137 Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 thanks! it just feels good after 6weeks of depressing and feeling really bad to hear from him, i know im a good woman, i have alot to offer in a relationship and when we dated i was really happy, other than for the part that he wasnt ready to commit, which i cant do anything about. I guess because i am almost 41 yrs old, and I havent even been close to being married or engaged or anything, i feel i really want and deserve to be in a relationship, i like the closeness i like the feelings, and then nothing you know, i mean its bad enough that i have nothing positive in my life and that he made me happy and then boom that was gone! im unemployed, no job, no money, and no social life so i spend 24/7 at home on the computer and watching tv. Ive been so bored! for the first 2 weeks or so after he stopped talking to me i was so devastated! i cried and cried and cried and slept and just stalked him on all the dating sites(thats how we meet) but after awhile it was eating me up, so i stopped logging on those sites he was on and found new ones. but no luck! couldnt find a man even worth giving my #, because after dating like 40 *******s i noticed this last guy couldve been "the one" im not goin keep going, i might cry, but i will wait, i plan on going to the pool and having a cookout there so as long as it doesnt rain i should be ok for the day part!
wilsonx Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 thanks! it just feels good after 6weeks of depressing and feeling really bad to hear from him, i know im a good woman, i have alot to offer in a relationship and when we dated i was really happy, other than for the part that he wasnt ready to commit, which i cant do anything about. I guess because i am almost 41 yrs old, and I havent even been close to being married or engaged or anything, i feel i really want and deserve to be in a relationship, i like the closeness i like the feelings, and then nothing you know, i mean its bad enough that i have nothing positive in my life and that he made me happy and then boom that was gone! im unemployed, no job, no money, and no social life so i spend 24/7 at home on the computer and watching tv. Ive been so bored! for the first 2 weeks or so after he stopped talking to me i was so devastated! i cried and cried and cried and slept and just stalked him on all the dating sites(thats how we meet) but after awhile it was eating me up, so i stopped logging on those sites he was on and found new ones. but no luck! couldnt find a man even worth giving my #, because after dating like 40 *******s i noticed this last guy couldve been "the one" im not goin keep going, i might cry, but i will wait, i plan on going to the pool and having a cookout there so as long as it doesnt rain i should be ok for the day part! I read through this entire thread, I think continuing NC is the way to go. There is nothing in his message on facebook. Its just a friendly hey how are you. I was going to ask you what happened with the breakup but as I read this post right here, it explains a lot. I use to do dating sites, and they are horrible. The most fun I ever had with dating sites is pretending I was someone I wasn't. That what everyone else does so I had fun with it for a while. I do not have to even ask you if you are happy or love yourself. It's clear as day that you do not. I do not know anything about you but all these things you listed that you do not have: job, money, social life. Why not go get them. Make yourself happy. I will tell you, one of the biggest turn offs in a relationship and stressors is being in a relationship with a person that does now know who they are or what they want in life. Another big stressor is someone that is codependent. It sucks the life out of the other person and emotionally drains them. As for your age, thats a bull**** reason. I know a couple that play on my old kickball team both are in their early 50s and they are getting married and both of them are happy together. At the same time both of them are happy with themselves too.
Author alexa137 Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 well, the reason i go on dating sites is because i dont go out, so thats the only way to meet people, i dont lie on them, im real! i cant get a job, its been 2 yrs and 186 applications and nothing! not my dault , ive tried and keep trying for hrs a day the money thing, well that said not having a job, would be that reason, so if no money, no gas and cant go nowhere! the man thing ,well that explains it too, and for the soclal life, i have 3 friends,the 1st one she had 3 kids including a baby,works everyday and has no time to do anything else with games and taking care of a baby alone, she is also tired of the bar and club scene. my 2nd friend lives almost an hr away and works alot so i see h er maybe about once, and for my 3rd friend, which was basically a co-worker for 15yrs, we just talk on the phone about once a week to catch up, shes 48 with 2 kids, divorced and works alot too so tired and does not go anywhere! everyone else in this little town are not even worth my time! if you would know and live here you would understand and youre right i dont live myself, i hate myself- i feel like a failure, no self worth, depressed, sad frustrated upset etc.....
wilsonx Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 well, the reason i go on dating sites is because i dont go out, so thats the only way to meet people, i dont lie on them, im real! i cant get a job, its been 2 yrs and 186 applications and nothing! not my dault , ive tried and keep trying for hrs a day the money thing, well that said not having a job, would be that reason, so if no money, no gas and cant go nowhere! the man thing ,well that explains it too, and for the soclal life, i have 3 friends,the 1st one she had 3 kids including a baby,works everyday and has no time to do anything else with games and taking care of a baby alone, she is also tired of the bar and club scene. my 2nd friend lives almost an hr away and works alot so i see h er maybe about once, and for my 3rd friend, which was basically a co-worker for 15yrs, we just talk on the phone about once a week to catch up, shes 48 with 2 kids, divorced and works alot too so tired and does not go anywhere! everyone else in this little town are not even worth my time! if you would know and live here you would understand and youre right i dont live myself, i hate myself- i feel like a failure, no self worth, depressed, sad frustrated upset etc..... I am not trying to sound like an ass but all I see here are excuses. So you sent out 186 applications, send out 100 more. Eventually someone will give you a job. Once you get this job you can knock out the next 2 birds with one stone. Make friends with people you work with and make money. Guess what will happen then, this bolded line will actually start to change to accomplishment, wellbeing and happiness.
bluenightowl Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 sounds like good advice, i only really planned on just saying " im fine thanks for asking, and how are you? because i already did the asking why he stopped talking to me etc. about 2 weeks ago for closure( guess you would have to read all my previous posts) he told me it wouldnt work as a couple that we could remain friends, well thats too hard for me so i didnt reply i am going to try to wait til timm afternoon or evening(just gotta get off this computer!) i dont want to think i dont have a life(which i dont) especially since its the holiday weekend, but all im really doing is relaxing at home watching tv everyday(and on this computer!) i already did the note thing and then threw it away also thanks for the advice hopefully i can wait to respond! 5 sentences is too long. Maybe 1 sentence, but I would likely just stay with NC. Why? Because I thought you said you didn't want to be friends, so why is he contacting you. Why isn't he respecting leaving you alone. Also if you reply, it might make you feel worse because you'll be wondering if he'll respond back. Sometimes its better to not have the last say. Let him wonder why you didn't reply. But be the one waiting for a reply from him. Now you a message from and not replying will tell him you've moved on and make you look more attractive. The silent treatment works.. now called NC.
Author alexa137 Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 yep youre right, i wish i didnt respond, because now the wound is reopened and im waiting for his response which may never happen! why do men do this? i waited 24 hrs to respond and all i said was " fine, thanks- how are you? nothing yet-maybe hes working(usually 8-8) so im thinking if he doesnt respond by tomm then he wont, i dont know what his motives were, if any- to me it does mean though that he was thinking of me, which puts a smile on my face, for a minute only though! ugh! how annoying!
Author alexa137 Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 oh, and i never told him i didnt want to be friends, i just didnt respond
Coupedriver Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 You said no life..you just sit home...Lets try this...Go to your local school or church and LOOK for things to do..!! Some schools have things that are FREE,doesn't cost a dime.Check with a Church..get involved with something do...VOLUNTEER...!!!!!!! Walk dogs...help seniors....do small errands.A close friend of mine helps clean the grounds of the Church,and he doesnt even belong to that church.He helps in a thousand different ways....delivers meals...helps with food drives...collects papers for the paper drives.There's a TON of things to do to stay busy.KEEP filling out apps...just because you didn't get that job doesn't mean there isn't another one waiting around the corner. Offer services to people who might need someone for a day or two.Put up flyers offering to help clean out a garage...a basement..an attic.Seniors ALWAYS need help.Offer babaysitting services..go get CPR training.Have a local school with a track..? Start taking care of yourself...RUN...walk...jog.No town is too small NOT to find something to do..
Author alexa137 Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 ok so he replied tonight says: :I'm ok, anything new going on? so, what does he want to know? ugh! sorry, ive never been through this before really i dont know how to reply, dont want to mess it up, And yes i would give it another try, if he gave me the second chance, i dont have anything against him, its not my fault he wasnt willing to take it to the next level of dating. he was a good guy and made me h appy and would love to be with him again. so im gonna wait again til tomm afternoon, basically so he thinks i was busy tonight and tomm
Thieves Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 ok so he replied tonight says: :I'm ok, anything new going on? so, what does he want to know? ugh! sorry, ive never been through this before really i dont know how to reply, dont want to mess it up, And yes i would give it another try, if he gave me the second chance, i dont have anything against him, its not my fault he wasnt willing to take it to the next level of dating. he was a good guy and made me h appy and would love to be with him again. so im gonna wait again til tomm afternoon, basically so he thinks i was busy tonight and tomm Okay, bottom line, I don't think you should contact him anymore. You're new to this. Tell him it's nice he's reaching out but you both need to live your own lives for a while, and if the timing is right you can be friends in the future. Simple as. Because now you're fussing over what he says. You don't do that with friends. It's not natural. It's forced, and he'll always have the upper hand. And look, you're already pretending, not contacting him till tomorrow so he'll think you're busy. I'm being very honest here, Alexa: even if you'd love to get back with him, you're in absolutely no state to be with him again. Why? Well, think of it from his point of view: How have you changed since the break up? Are you basically still the same person he broke up with? If you answered yes to that simple question, then honestly think why would he want to take it to the next level by dating? Some good advice told over and over is to be the person you'd like to date. Would you like to date your ex if he were depressed, no social life, no job, no money, no drive, not happy with himself or other people at all? Would you be as proud to be his girlfriend? We're telling you all this not to get you down, girl, but for you to wake up! I'm telling you, follow wilson's advice too: send out 100 more applications for a job. I feel your pain, but try harder. That's your #1 focus right now. Not your ex, but getting a J.O.B. You have it in you. Call up or go to the job places yourself and be extra persistent. At least one person will be willing to give you a shot, I promise. After you get a job, everything else will slowly fall into place.
Author alexa137 Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 oh i'm not giving up looking for a job! i never said i was! i spend about 2 hrs a day applying and researching, i will continue til i get one or die whichever comes first! my ex doesnt know im depressed, no social life, etc, i mean i kinda did have a social life until a few weeks ago when my income diminished, so you really cant go shopping or out to eat or get a drink with no money, so my best friends know that and they have financial problems of their own so they are not going to treat me! i still talk to my friends almost everyday just dont get to go out anymore. I feel that i have maybe changed somewhat, i have learned from my mistakes and just like everyone else thats breaks up you notice what happened and went wrong and to know not to do it in the future. I go to the dr tomm and goingto ask to start mental health sessions to make me feel better about my situation and maybe that will help somewhat
Thieves Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 oh i'm not giving up looking for a job! i never said i was! i spend about 2 hrs a day applying and researching, i will continue til i get one or die whichever comes first! Alright, good! Just making sure, that's all. You're on the right track then, definitely. And remember, if 2 hours a day applying still doesn't work, go for 3... etc. my ex doesnt know im depressed, no social life, etc, It doesn't matter if he knows or not. What matters is that you know, and that you're pretty unhappy at the moment. Whether you tell people or not, people in this kind of situation usually give off an 'energy' that eventually makes it obvious that, hey, they're not too happy with themself. So we're working to bring some of that positive energy back into your life, with or without your ex. i mean i kinda did have a social life until a few weeks ago when my income diminished, so you really cant go shopping or out to eat or get a drink with no money, so my best friends know that and they have financial problems of their own so they are not going to treat me! i still talk to my friends almost everyday just dont get to go out anymore. Oh okay. I understand better now. And I understand how sometimes it takes 'money' to have a social life, but not always. Remember that. But this is something that, again, will most likely be changed once you're employed. I feel that i have maybe changed somewhat, i have learned from my mistakes and just like everyone else thats breaks up you notice what happened and went wrong and to know not to do it in the future. Although it may be possible, it's not really possible to change - really change as a person - in just 2 weeks no contact, Alexa. The fact that you said 'maybe you've changed' makes that clear. Sure, emotionally you might've looked at what happened and saw your mistakes and what not to do in the future. But you haven't used these lessons you've learned to actually better yourself yet. Like getting a secure job, getting your social life back, improving your self-esteem, etc. Yes, we know now that you're working on this stuff right now, but you're not fully there yet. When you've achieved getting a steady job, are happy going out with your friends again, comfortable with yourself, and you're progressing in those mental health sessions... then you can say you've changed or that you're beginning to. Actions, actions, actions. I go to the dr tomm and goingto ask to start mental health sessions to make me feel better about my situation and maybe that will help somewhat That's awesome, Alexa. Really, I'm excited for you! These sessions could help a lot actually. I wish you good luck seeing your doctor. Hopefully he'll be able to help you out a bit more than we can at the moment. But we'll still be here anyway.
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