Meeting up with ex a year after, the last chapter of my journey. (Long post)

[Movingthrough]

I wanted to post something because I think it could help some people on here. Let me start out by saying that I’m not by any means promoting what I did for the past year and what I did recently. But hopefully by people reading this they won’t make the mistakes I did or at least have somequestions answered after reading this.

 

Me and my ex had the typical fast moving, intense, full of “love”relationship that you would see on a movie. We wanted each other for a while, but it never really hit us until we were both single. In my head I NEVER saw myself having a chance with this girl, I don’t believe in leagues but she was something that I wanted for years but never had. Most of that was due to physical attributes and being into the same things I was. Now that I look back on it, she was more of a representation of what I “always” wanted, but deep down due to her past, I had trust issues with her that I pushed away (problem number 1) because she harbored so much of what I wanted. Her background was murky, she was married for years but always had this quiet in control attitude in the relationship, almost like everything had to come to her and she needed to be consistently assured that she was special and that the guy loved her. Iwitnessed times where her and her husband would fight and it was always brought on by her because he didn’t do something that he normally would do, example would be hugging her when he walked in. So if he didn’t do that one day out of 365, she seemed like she would wonder if the “love” was still there. She carried a fake confidence, a confidence that was only there becausethe guy at home “loved” her. There was also a rumor that she cheated on her husband about midway through the marriage, and as time went by it seemed very true. When she was caught, she told the husband to basically not tell anyone because she didn’t want to look a certain way, they made up and had a kid tofix their love. I’m telling you all this because this was something else I knew (problem number 2) but still went along with it because if she was able to tell me all the things she did (I love you, I will be there forever) then I must be different. Obviously, her marriage ended and that’s when I came into the picture.

 

Now onto me, at the time we got together I was not in a goodplace, and I was no angel. I was in the middle of a move and everything thatcomes with that. I was full of anxiety and consistently on edge. To her though,she told me she liked it, it was very “type-A” something that her ex-husband never was, in all reality I was controlling and wouldn’t budge. I showed herlove but it wasn’t enough, mostly because it really wasn’t, and also because ofwhat type of person she was. In the middle of this though it was real hot and heavy, we were doing an LDR at the time but when we saw each other it was nothing but talks of the future and how we finally me the “one”. Just so I canput some emphasis in this, I’m not the type of person that falls for every girl I meet, this was a lot different for me and very intense, very much “love” to me and almost too good to be true. The only way I can explain it would be like having a crush on a famous singer or something when you were younger and them showing up at your door saying lets date, she was very much on a pedestal with me. But this in itself was a red flag, it screamed infatuation more than love (problem number 3), I can say that now but having those intense feelings is something that everyone wants.

 

Needless to say, right when my move was completing and the stress was really high, a time where I needed her most, communication starting changing and the day I moved via text she broke it off with me. I’m not goingto get into the details but I was in pain, the worst breakup pain you can ever imagine. Never in my life did I feel such a connection, have someone tell me they would “NEVER” leave and always be there, feel the love and the intensity that came with all of that, just to have it end so abruptly. I was devastated. For the next few weeks it was typical, I ignored her and she messaged me every day begging to please not cut her out. Once again, she needed that attention to live, she needed to know that someone loved her, liked her, and wanted her, or she couldn’t continue (I see this now). After a few weeks we started talking again, something I never should have done, but I was hurt and I was weak at the time. It was all by email and it was all very typical, her saying she needed “me” time and me saying that we never fully had a shot because the point we always worked for (living together after my move) was now. A few weeks after me I found out indirectly that she was already dating someone and had been on weekend trips etc. So basically, a few weeks after me she was already moved on. I blew her off and felt more pain in those few months then I ever have in my life.

 

So pretty much for a year after that we would talk off andon, she would always message me late at night saying how much she missed me and hurt for me. She took “crumbs” to a whole new level and while none of it was sexual, she said things that even as I type this now, you could tell she was confused. I see now it’s not an excuse, but at the time I really believed that there was still something there, but because of distance, our past, and the overall weirdness of it, we weren’t together (problem number 4). There would betimes where I wouldn’t talk to her for months and when I would message her she would go biserk in a good way, calling, texting, emailing almost begging me to talk to her, yet she made no effort when I didn’t talk (problem number 5).Every bit of this screamed insecurity, and her new “love” that she was showing the world must not be what it seems, but as long as she has a guy at home thatshe can control, a guy that will tell her she is beautiful every day, and someone else on the side doing the same, she is ok.

 

So a time came a few weeks ago where I had to go out there for work, I knew in my head that seeing her was something I had to do, notreally the right thing, but for me personally I had to walk into the fire and get burned. In my head I had part of me that thought if she saw me the feelings would return, basically what every dumpee thinks. The other side of me thought that it would not go like that at all but at least I would know. I’m not going to get into all the details of us meeting, but needless to say it was a combination of both but I left with a whole new awareness, while it involved some pain, I needed it. We went for a walk which was the whole plan and just kinda chatted and brought nothing up about us, it was actually nice. Afterwards she came to my room and we had some food, nothing happened sexually but she waseyeing me and we ended up having a talk about me and her and the past. The talk was about equivalent to getting stabbed in the gut with a knife, but I knewthis was a possibility and I took it in stride. It was a girl once again with afake confidence, a girl that had the guy at home so nothing else mattered, shetold me basically that he was what I lacked and brought up my past constantly.During all of this I never once brought up hers, I acted like an adult and wasnot going to get into a tit for tat. I told her that all I have done in the past year was work on me and that was all I could do, I did not beg, I did not say I wanted her back. But, in typical fashion, there were other sides that came up, she said she looked at me like an addiction, something she couldn’t let go, someone that is part of her and she can’t disconnect. Nothing in my headthought that by hearing this it was going to work out, but she was so emotional when she talked about me that it felt good to at least see that I brought something out of her. Near the end of the meeting she was staring at me when I walked around, I called her on it and she came over to me, pulled me in close and we kissed, I feel dumb saying we made out but that’s pretty much what it was.After that she had to go, I walked her down and the only way I can describe how she looked was like a train hit her, and I know I didn’t look much better. She was crying and all of that, I kissed her on the cheek and said good bye, turned and walked away. In my head I knew what would happen next because I got all the answers I needed…I would be going NC and this time, it was for real.

 

So a quick review, she is in love with a new guy, showing the world…yet she is kissing me in my room obviously while the guy is oblivious to what is going on. She messaged me for a year telling me how much she missed me and needed me, but we aren’t together and she is with someone else. She told me to my face that it could not work out due to the past etc, but cried, pulled me close, and told me I was everything to her. Here is what I’m getting at andhere is why I typed all of this for you to read; things are not always what they seem and it would be very safe to say that I brought myself into this, the red flags were there and I did most of what you shouldn’t do after a breakup only to meetup with her and really nothing change. Now, for me personally I needed this, it hurt like hell but it showed me that I have grown, and it showed mewhat I needed to see which was the fact that this is not going anywhere no matter what she says. She is an attention junky with deep seated issues involving insecurity, like most have told me many times on this board, she will not let go of one vine until another is in sight.

 

For all of you newbies out there to breakups, and new people to this board, take my year long story and learn from it, pay attention to thered flags and go NC when needed, have an emotional throw up the moment after the breakup, say what you need to say, and be done with it. If they want youback they will come back – end of story.

 

After a year of pain, a year of wondering, worrying and hurting I know now what it is, and it’s not what I want. As much pain as I felt that day and some I feel now, I do not want someone like that in my life and I can feel it fading away. Since the meeting she has texted me multiple times, and emailed me even more, asking me to talk to her, telling me she is destroyed inside and can’t operate, that she feels like she is part of me. My response? Nothing, and for the first time, it feels great.

[mmiller5373]

Very long post, indeed. You are still not healed from the breakup and it's about time you go NC for sure. You need to heal. It's amazing how dumpers want to have their cake and eat it too. That's the case with your ex. Honestly, she seems really damaged from her past and it sounds to me like you deserve better anyway.

 

I can relate to you a lot though. My ex-girlfriend was also one of those girls that I never thought I would be with. I have never been the type to fall in love, but she had me from the beginning. It's always hot and passionate in the beginning. That changed after about a year or so. She ended up leaving me for some other guy. What happened with my ex still affects me everyday.

[Movingthrough]

Yes its def. a crazy thing. I find myself after the meeting still hurting a bit but ultimately knowing what the deal is, which is what i needed. Its amazing to me though that people can live this double life, i actually told her that there is no way she can be so "happy" with her guy if she talks to me the way she does, she had no answer. A lot of me actually feels bad for her, and i really feel bad for her guy too.