Anne2468 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Hello all, I'm brand-new and needing feedback badly. Hoping to get some dialogue going about my problem. I'm on a work assignment in the UK and my son, 16, is with his father in Canada. His father has not been a full-time parent since we were married, except for 4 weeks during summers and other visitation, but this was a work assignment I couldn't turn down - not that it is so great, more like it is probably my last career break, ever (and there haven't been many). The separation from my son isn't entirely owing to the work assignment. A couple of years ago he and his dad started talking about living together. I talked to his dad about it and we agreed to consider whether it would work out, but that was before I found out some things about his dad that cause concern (see below). Now our son says that his dad started talking to HIM about it. When I go back, our son will decide whether to go on living with me, but in a new place where he's never lived before, or continue living with his dad, who he's been with since the beginning of July. Since he has never lived just with his dad, we talked beforehand about what should feed into his decision to live with him until he goes to college (we're talking another 2-and-some years). We agreed on some criteria, which will also influence whether or not his dad then receives full physical custody of him. Unfortunately, I have concerns about his dad's emotional readiness to parent our son. I think I have good reasons: 1) He's never had to be the "bad cop" about things like school and other responsibilities; 2) After many years he apparently still is very angry about our separation and divorce; 3) He has had problems with depression and OCD in the past, and several years ago spent time at a treatment center for one or the other (I don't really know much about his personal life now). I could talk about my own perceptions of my ex, and of my own experiences as his former wife, but I'm trying to be as objective as I can here, and anyway I don't know how relevant those things are. My son's teachers have instructions to copy me on all emails to his dad, and I can keep track of how he's doing in school, which I guess would be an indicator if he's really having a hard time. His dad has a lot invested in our son staying with him, so I can't expect him to be honest if things go wrong. Worst of all, I do not trust him to be honest with himself about what is truly best for our son. My question is: How can I tell, via Skype and phone calls, how well my son is doing with him? Of course he tells me he's fine and doesn't miss me - after all, he is a teenage boy - but we have had a really close relationship in the past so I find that kind of hard to believe. I have a hard time reading signals, though, and I don't want to fall prey to my own baser instincts - possessiveness and insecurity - so I am taking him at his word. Still, I am torn because the stakes are so high - what if I am totally misreading him? What if I'm abandoning him to a sick person? Any feedback at all would be helpful.
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