Do you believe in G.I.G.S?

[loverboy1984]

I have read almost all of Homebrews comments and threads and can vouch for him. He presents his experience only as a lesson and has been selfless in his discussions. Never has he used generic lines to help people move on but instead he uses logic, and common sense to break down the problem and explain the solution. He is confidence inspiring and refreshing and provides nutritious amounts of optimism to what is usually a pessimistic atmosphere where most people here usually find themselves. He has broken GIGS down to a simple science and made sure people don't just use it as an excuse and neglect looking at themselves too. He has helped me and others heal, realize our selves and learn. Thanks for everything. keep up the good work!

[PelicanPete]

Like I said, I really enjoy your posts but you are not the only one who is informative, helping people understand what just happened, what they are going through, helping them find answers, etc.

 

I don't mean to come across that way. There are plenty of helpful posters on here. This all started initially because I was skimming the forums and came across wilsonx's post in the GIGS forum which set off red flags for me. He welcomed criticism, I gave my opinion, we bounced ideas back and fourth, and all of a sudden it just sort of snow balled into this.

 

I know you're a emotionally healthy guy homebrew. I haven't even met you in person but I can tell you've got a spring in your step. Your GIGS relationship had great communication and you understood what was going on right away. A lot of other relationships aren't like that though. Most of the breakups I've seen on LS there are a lot of dramatic breakups filled with misunderstandings and confusion, so it's often not as clear cut as what yours was like.

 

I'm not trying to bring down GIGS or shove my point of view on people. I think GIGS is a good place for most dumpees to start but not stay. This is all just my own opinion, I've tried to make it as clear as I could. This is what I think. What I think isn't necessarily "right" or "wrong", but if people are finding sense in what I'm saying and its causing a bit of an upset, then it must have some value to it. I'm not some sort of authority, I've just been defending my opinion because I've felt like it's been under attack, and I'm not going to yield from what I feel is right. I honestly wasn't expecting or planning on it progressing this far. I didn't know my opinion mattered so much.

[Graceful]

Okay, I never drank the Kool-Aid, but .... only kidding, only kidding!! I kid!

 

My take and simply mine, not meant to be a criticism or judgement -- I agree that if you read, and thoroughly read, Homebrew's GIGS premise, there is no harm in it, and that he presents it in a way that is not a solution for all of your ills. If you *take* it that way, if you *see* it that way, that's on you. And HB can't control the interpretation that you make of it, either.

 

GIGS is more of an explanation for a breakup than anything else. It helps to present a *reason* or a *part* of a breakup. Ergo:

 

Person of a certain age (fill in age range);

After being in a LTR that lasts for a number of years (fill in range of years);

Feels antsy. Needs independence, needs to grow, needs to find themselves. All that good stuff that goes with growing up.

 

NOT one size fits all by any measure, but for reasons of pain, and this being a support board, many people feel their breakup falls into this category, and therefore, apply it and in doing so, may be averting their attention from the more important root causes of the problems of the relationship OR the facts behind it.

 

Bottom line: The reason for a break up, ANY BREAK UP, at the top, universal level is: Your partner no longer wants to be with you. Your partner does not love you *enough* to stay with you. Your partner wants OUT. Done and done.

 

No one breaks off a relationship when they're happy with it, when they're deeply in love, when they see a future in it. NO ONE. So I posit that the reason for a breakup is NOT GIGS -- it's the plain painful truth that your partner wants OUT.

 

All this to say that when GIGS becomes the over-riding reason for the breakup and causes someone to ignore or gloss over the real, truthful, actual reasons for a breakup, some of us feel that using GIGS as an explanation might cause people to ignore the real truth about the breakup, their responsibility in it, and the fact they have to turn their attention on themselves if they are going to benefit from the breakup insofar as learning, maturing, and evolving as a human being.

 

The sky does not open up when you find out about GIGS. It's an old premise wrapped up in more modern pop-psych, been happening since the dawn of time. As long as it's not used as a persistent excuse, reason, or puts someone in denial, or is actually used as a tactic to believe the ex will return (as in, when it runs its course like a cold or the flu), GIGS can be very helpful.

 

If you read my posts, you will know that my main thesis is "it's never one thing" -- so all I infer here, is that GIGS is potentially one piece to the puzzle, it's not all the pieces.

 

In deference to HB, he spends a lot of time here and has made some excellent points that you, nor I, might agree with, but I've never seen him say anything misleading, nor even a word to try to persuade anyone of anything -- including to buy into his own personal beliefs. You will not find anyone with more clarity than HB, whether you or I agree with him, that's our prerogative.

 

So let's try to get along here, and move on to helping, healing and some good lovin, which is the reason why we're all here.

Edited September 4, 2011 by Graceful

[sun_moon]

Homebrew:

 

In my opinion I don't think Pelican Pete was personally referring to you, he was referring to the general vulnerable new posters who seek answers but are so blind to their pain that they fail to see the faults. I agree the blame lies on both the dumper and dumpee, no relationship is perfect and no individual is perfect, we all make mistakes.

 

You are right, you never stated in your GIGS thread that the blame is all on the messed up dumper, you try to shed light on a situation that cant be helped because it's over. However, some readers have taken your philosophy and changed it to fit their pain and confusion.

 

You provide great guidance to many here, you are clear and concise, and make a point from point A to point B with out the mess.

 

 

PelicanPete provides a lot a wisdom as well and it always keeps you thinking hmmmm I should look into this or that or the other, it allows you to look into yourself in a healthy way.

 

 

I respect both your opinions and I believe you both bring great value to LS. I specifically remember both of you motivating me in your own words and posts, and that means a lot to me.

 

Reading PelicanPete's personal journey and his process kept me going and reading Homebrew's "For Me" sparked a fire in me and kept me smiling.

 

 

 

What infuriates me is when I see a fellow LS personally attack PelicanPete, merely because he has an opinion and is stating it. If you don't believe me, go re read the last few pages of GIGs thread, he was literally kicked out of the discussion.

 

To add insult to injury, he is attacked again by a fellow LS poster after he left the thread. Not once did PelicanPete offend or attack anyone, he just plainly stated his point of view and opinion.

 

That is what bothers me. Just because one has an opinion doesn't mean its wrong, and the oppose-er cannot force their thoughts on you.

 

We have all had personal experiences that shaped us to who we are today. LS's will flock to what they can relate to and where they can feel they can be understood, others will flock to other people. It doesn't make it wrong, its just their process and everyone gets there differently.

[LelouchIsZero]

I agree with most of what you said, Sun_Moon.

 

What infuriates me is when I see a fellow LS personally attack PelicanPete, merely because he has an opinion and is stating it. If you don't believe me, go re read the last few pages of GIGs thread, he was literally kicked out of the discussion.

 

If that part is in any way referenced to me, I don't think that I was really attacking Pete. I'm sure he didn't take anything I said in the wrong way, we we're both just stating our opinions on things, which neither one of us was really right or wrong. Besides, I agree with most posts Pete makes anyway haha.

[sun_moon]

Haha wasn't you! Thanks though.

[sun_moon]

ROTFLOL

 

thanks for the comic relief Homebrew, really needed it!!!!

[Graceful]

To add insult to injury, he is attacked again by a fellow LS poster after he left the thread. Not once did PelicanPete offend or attack anyone, he just plainly stated his point of view and opinion.

 

Um, whaddup here? Am I being accused of something here, too? Now I am confused by this, if this is the case, since I was agreeing (if anything) with P-Pete, but stating my own opinion, rather than re-stating his. Never have I disagreed with anyone that I didn't directly respond to, and never have I made veiled remarks. So this is clearly mis-interpretation on your part, I am sorry if you mistook what I said as an attack (the last thing on my mind) -- and if anything P-Pete is a friend of mine, and I think we are on the same page about many things.

 

I don't attack my friends - as a general rule.

 

If you ever see anything in a post written by me what would work better, I believe, would be to simply ask me what I mean ... quote the part of my post that isn't clear to you, and ask me to explain or elaborate -- that way you will get the clarification that you need, and you won't make assumptions about something that I've said. Hope that makes sense, and if I'm not the person ... then I guess I have NO idea what's going on here ... happens to me all the time.

 

 

It was me she was talking about...

I said your name right in my post --- I attacked you? HA! I thought I was being laudatory -- yeesh. Very confused here, but I hope I didn't offend you (not that you can't defend yourself or take anything that's dished out to you, that's for sure!).

 

I knew I should have stayed out of this -- but am sorry for anything that was mistaken for an attack. That's not my style, not at all. Peace / out.

(gracefully leaving before I trip over my own two feet ...)

[sun_moon]

Grace I love you to pieces, calm down, it aint you my dear.

[Graceful]

Grace I love you to pieces, calm down, it aint you my dear.

 

Joke's on ME?!? This is how much it bothers me to think I could have offended anyone inadvertently.

 

Thanks, luv, because I feel the same way about you. (and Homebrew, too, but don't tell him)

[sun_moon]

Now lets all hold hands and sing Kumbaya

 

 

LOL

[PelicanPete]

Thanks for your support guys, and thanks for sticking up for me sun_moon.

 

Homebrew, sun_moon, Graceful, you're some of my favorite posters on LS. I always enjoy reading what you guys have to say, and you have all helped me because of that.

 

I didn't mean to sound disrespectful or anything along those lines homebrew, I was just sticking up for myself. Life is about following what you feel is right after all.

 

The last several pages of G.I.G.S. thread were not about G.I.G.S... They were about the BREAK UP PROCESS and the PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND WHY PEOPLE GET G.I.G.S.

 

That's what I disagreed with. I guess I have more of a problem with that then the GIGS philosophy itself. I didn't agree with some of the points wilsonx made, and I was under the impression that GIGS was evolving into that explanation. I didn't want the newly dumped to start playing therapist and making assumptions about their ex, because from what I've experienced it gets you no where positive.

 

Anyway, I'll gladly elaborate in more detail about what I didn't agree with if anyone is interested, otherwise I'd be ok with just burying the hatchet on the topic. I didn't intend on causing so much confusion, I was just giving my opinion. I don't want to make things more difficult or confusing for those who are heartbroken, I was just wanting to help.

[wilsonx]

That's what I disagreed with. I guess I have more of a problem with that then the GIGS philosophy itself. I didn't agree with some of the points wilsonx made, and I was under the impression that GIGS was evolving into that explanation. I didn't want the newly dumped to start playing therapist and making assumptions about their ex, because from what I've experienced it gets you no where positive.

 

You're right, a newly dumped should not play therapist. If there is a story that is similar to mine, I have always suggested even in the GIGS thread that someone go see someone. I actually had quite a few sessions with a clinical psychologist over the past 3 months. I know exactly what I am dealing with and its not fun. I agree with a lot of things you say pelicanpete, they make sense but you have not been in my shoes. I value your opinions on things but just not on my personal experience and my new personal boundaries. Those are off limits. This by definition is boundary crashing and is attacking.

 

This isn't my first breakup, probably not going to be the last but it was the most destructive. Will this ever happen again, lol no.

 

Pelicanpete, you are full of good information, why not create a thread on everything you post. Create a pelicanpete fast track to recovery thread. That way all your information will be in one place that every new person can see when they come here!!

[PelicanPete]

I value your opinions on things but just not on my personal experience and my new personal boundaries. Those are off limits. This by definition is boundary crashing and is attacking.

 

Sorry wilson, I didn't mean to give you the impression that I was attacking you. My initial criticism wasn't meant to be hurtful, I was hoping it'd be constructive, but you used a lot of personal examples to argue your case which left me and others under the impression that you were still in pain. You're a good guy, I didn't mean to offend you.

 

Pelicanpete, you are full of good information, why not create a thread on everything you post. Create a pelicanpete fast track to recovery thread. That way all your information will be in one place that every new person can see when they come here!!

 

Maybe I will do something like that, it will give me something to do tomorrow . It would be nice to have all of what I learned in one place not only to help other people, but some organization for my own reference. I won't compare my thoughts to GIGS and just let them stand on their own. Thanks for that suggestion.

[Nohbody]

Pete, you've already got one person looking forward to seeing your thoughts in a thread.