Green21 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 My ex-girlfriend and I had what I thought was the perfect relationship. The only thing that wasn't going for us was the distance and choice of careers, although ironically I have since moved and now live closer to her than at any point before. I don't know whether to believe in GIGS or not (or even to care), but for someone to tell me all the things she did: that I was the only one for her; that she'd never felt so strongly for anyone; that her and I would be together forever , etc., etc., then to suddenly break it off without any kind of warning or sign that there was a problem makes me wonder what else could have gone wrong. She claims herself that she doesn't know what changed her feelings; even says she wished they hadn't changed because of how good things were. I don't understand some people.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Yes I do believe in GIGS, Like green, my ex up and left without much of a warning. She couldn't come up with a solid reason why she was breaking up with me (all of the reasons she did come up with I countered and left her speechless), She exhibits all of the behaviours and traits described in the GIGS thread and several other threads dedicated to the topic. AND Wilsonx predicted several scenarios that would happen to my ex... all of which have come true so far.
lymtal1 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 probably is gisg for sure. one day they are really inlove with you and believe me and take this to heart. they are. they just get caught up with i need to experience life and everything that is out there. i don't think they mean to hurt us. it is a very tough situation to be in as i am living it now. she says she just has to get it out of her system. believe me, it is better that we find it out now. her comment was i would rather go through this now instead of not dealing with it and hating you in in the future if i did not address it. i have mixed emotions about it. why can't she do all those things with me? the reality is she wants to discover all the things that she believes i was able to. i am trying hard to understand as it truly makes sense to me. she was very honest and upfront and we did not part on bad terms. so yes i do think it exists, just comes at various times in the lives of individuals.
speedster Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 yes, and that is why i make sure my grass is greenest.
sun_moon Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I definitely agree that GIGS is a phenomenon that some people have to go through to see whats out there, experience life, get the what ifs out of their system, etc. Realizing that oh my ex has GIGS inst going to bring them back is it? Its like putting a band aid on something that needs stitches. That ex is going to continue to not want you and continue to hurt you. I see GIGS as a way for the dumpee to understand why the bottom just fell out suddenly, the rug got pulled out from under you, why the perfect bliss just ended with no warning, because honestly the dumper inst going to be able to give any kind of reassuring reason that will suit you. PERIOD. I agree with Homebrew that in actuality, you should count your blessings because the alternative is much worse. You saved yourself a lot of future heartache, baggage, and grief. Realizing your ex has this phenomenon, its like a coping mechanism for the fragile new dumpee but its not going to bring them back.
Nohbody Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I believe that whatever helps you feel better is a good thing at the time. What makes you feel better and what you believe (about your ex, your relationship, etc) will change as you progress through your healing stages. All fine, all good.
PelicanPete Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Yes and no. I know that some people [typically younger] start to get curious as to what else is out there after being in a long term relationship for awhile. They want to feel like they are living life and experience new things rather then being in a relationship and feeling limited in what they can and cannot do. This is much more common in this day and age since there is so much more opportunity for people to be who they want to be. People are no longer marrying at 20 and taking over the family business, they have much more freedom over what they want to do with their lives. I think what spawns this curiosity in people comes from a lot of different sources and completely depends on the person themselves. I don't agree with it being exclusive to people that have had childhood issues or any other specific variable. The real causes vary from relationship to relationship, and as you start to move on from your break up you'll slowly start to understand what caused the sudden change of heart in the dumper. With that said, I believe the GIGS explanation is a good place to start for the newly dumped. It gives the dumpee a foundation to build from and brings structure to their initial confusion. However I don't agree with using GIGS as the final answer for what went wrong with someones relationship. The only way you'll really grow as a person and learn the underlying problems in your past relationship is if you examine your actions, not the dumpers.
just_scott Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 NOPE not in the least ,all this g.i.g.s. is someone either cheatted on you and left you ,or they left you and already had another person in mind AND the lame excuses they give you are really weak ,they love you but aren't in love with you , they want to expireance other things, etc. it all points to .''I found someone else'' .MAYBE that new relationship don't last forever and they try to re=connect with you later on down the road ,doesn't mean that they saw the grass wasn't greener where they were .just means their not together anymore and they may have missed some traits you had .
sun_moon Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Yes and no. I think what spawns this curiosity in people comes from a lot of different sources and completely depends on the person themselves. I don't agree with it being exclusive to people that have had childhood issues or any other specific variable. The real causes vary from relationship to relationship, and as you start to move on from your break up you'll slowly start to understand what caused the sudden change of heart in the dumper. However I don't agree with using GIGS as the final answer for what went wrong with someones relationship. The only way you'll really grow as a person and learn the underlying problems in your past relationship is if you examine your actions, not the dumpers. Thank you for eloquently stating that. I completely agree. I"m pretty tired of hearing that dumpers are dysfunctional and are doomed and broken forever. (from other posts) Hmmm, perhaps GIGS is more of a state of mind than a syndrome? All in all, the relationship is still over.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Yes and no. I know that some people [typically younger] start to get curious as to what else is out there after being in a long term relationship for awhile. They want to feel like they are living life and experience new things rather then being in a relationship and feeling limited in what they can and cannot do. This is much more common in this day and age since there is so much more opportunity for people to be who they want to be. People are no longer marrying at 20 and taking over the family business, they have much more freedom over what they want to do with their lives. I think what spawns this curiosity in people comes from a lot of different sources and completely depends on the person themselves. I don't agree with it being exclusive to people that have had childhood issues or any other specific variable. The real causes vary from relationship to relationship, and as you start to move on from your break up you'll slowly start to understand what caused the sudden change of heart in the dumper. With that said, I believe the GIGS explanation is a good place to start for the newly dumped. It gives the dumpee a foundation to build from and brings structure to their initial confusion. However I don't agree with using GIGS as the final answer for what went wrong with someones relationship. The only way you'll really grow as a person and learn the underlying problems in your past relationship is if you examine your actions, not the dumpers. First Bold: I don't recall anyone ever saying it is exclusive to those with childhood issues. There seems to be a trend where more often than not the person with gigs did have troubles during their childhood. Second Bold: If you analyse the dumper and notice mistakes on their part you can learn from those as well, so I must disagree with you. "Learn from other peoples mistakes, Life is to short for you to make them all on your own"
PelicanPete Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 First Bold: I don't recall anyone ever saying it is exclusive to those with childhood issues. There seems to be a trend where more often than not the person with gigs did have troubles during their childhood. From the GIGS thread: There are several things that can cause this to happen: Emotional abandonment and/or abuse and/or Physical abandonment and/or abuse by either the mother or the father. This not only applies to females, but males as well. Second Bold: If you analyse the dumper and notice mistakes on their part you can learn from those as well, so I must disagree with you. "Learn from other peoples mistakes, Life is to short for you to make them all on your own" It's too easy to get caught up with the dumpers actions when you're heartbroken. You won't be able to properly analyze the dumpers actions without a heavy emotional bias which is unproductive and painful. Because a dumpee initially lacks rational thought regarding his/her relationship, how could they properly determine what the dumper did right/wrong? They are going to see it all as wrong because that person caused them pain which is all they can think about. Focus on yourself first and move on from your past relationship. Once you are indifferent towards your ex, you can truthfully admit to yourself what the dumper did right/wrong because your feelings aren't on the line.
wilsonx Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Why do you think you have to be the knight in shining armor and argue with every post with multiquotes, why can't you let people have their opinions and their assumptions and let things go. Contrary to your own opinion you aren't correct on other peoples' personal beliefs/boundaries. When you do this, you are actually boundary crashing. And I never said it was limited to their childhood, it could have happened in their teens or early adulthood. People are a product of their environment.
wilsonx Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t295627/ Perfect example of a GIGS breakup, find fault in the dumpee for this. This is from the dumpers mouth
sun_moon Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Pelican Pete, I remember early on reading some of your messages that really helped me out. I found them motivating. What were some other things that you did besides journaling all your thoughts and feelings in different words that helped you go from coping to moving on? I find that over all I'm ok but I know I'm not over it in the sense. What does it take, besides time?
PelicanPete Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Why do you think you have to be the knight in shining armor and argue with every post with multiquotes, why can't you let people have their opinions and their assumptions and let things go. Contrary to your own opinion you aren't correct on other peoples' personal beliefs/boundaries. When you do this, you are actually boundary crashing. And I never said it was limited to their childhood, it could have happened in their teens or early adulthood. People are a product of their environment. I'm not trying to be anything. All I'm doing is supporting my own point of view. I don't see what's wrong with that, unless of course you find that threatening for your own personal reasons which aren't exactly my problem.
Art_Critic Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I believe that there are people who believe in it. Personally I think most breakups fall into the gigs category and that gigs is nothing more than a defense mechanism to feel less pain and blame the other person. So.... To conclude...IMO believing in gigs is part of a denial process that is stopping someone from moving on to be happy
johan Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Sometimes the G actually IG. People have a hard time facing that. I think it's a stretch to call it an S. A better label for it would be "human nature". HN. Or HNS, if you want to think of it as a disease.
wilsonx Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Sometimes the G actually IG. People have a hard time facing that. It's actually always better for the person that's being dumped. I will agree and have faced that
PelicanPete Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Pelican Pete, I remember early on reading some of your messages that really helped me out. I found them motivating. What were some other things that you did besides journaling all your thoughts and feelings in different words that helped you go from coping to moving on? I find that over all I'm ok but I know I'm not over it in the sense. What does it take, besides time? I'd say building confidence in yourself which is essentially your thoughts and feelings about who you are. If you spend your days doing things that you don't value or respect, then you'll never build confidence in yourself. Spend your time doing things that you feel are right and respectable and that interest you. Confidence is just a natural side effect of being who you are and who you want to be. Be someone who you respect by doing things you find respectful, and you'll be making yourself happy. Your actions determine your thoughts. So if you always wanted to be say an artist but you aren't very good, simply by practicing will help you build confidence in yourself because it is a side effect of being who you feel you are. If you aren't confident in yourself, you'll always feel vulnerable to other peoples opinions [when in the end they don't really matter] which can stem anxiety and depression and cause you to move on a lot slowly simply because you aren't being who you want to be.
PelicanPete Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t295627/ Perfect example of a GIGS breakup, find fault in the dumpee for this. This is from the dumpers mouth See this confuses me. One post you get aggravated when I support my opinion, and the next post you ask me to support my opinion and try to prove me "wrong". Who exactly is trying to be this knight you speak of? There is no fault in the dumpee as far as I can tell, but is the dumpee going to initially believe when she essentially gets rejected by someone she cares about? No, she's not. Even if the dumper lets her down easy and tells her that there's nothing wrong with her, there's still going to be that shred of doubt in the back of her mind that's going to drive her nuts, because the dumper wants to move onto someone else. She'll start to become critical of herself thinking what the other girl he moves onto has that she doesn't. I'm not the dumpee and I can't read her mind, but she's probably going to end up hung up on the OP for awhile until she starts examining herself and looking for ways to improve. Only by improving herself and growing will she move away from her past relationship, and then she can realize "I really did do nothing wrong". Examining yourself is essential for moving on. If you just take the dumpers word for it and assume nothing is wrong with you and stay exactly the same, you'll always feel like something is missing. You have to continue to grow after a breakup in order to move past it which requires focusing on you.
sun_moon Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I'd say building confidence in yourself which is essentially your thoughts and feelings about who you are. If you spend your days doing things that you don't value or respect, then you'll never build confidence in yourself. Spend your time doing things that you feel are right and respectable and that interest you. Confidence is just a natural side effect of being who you are and who you want to be. Be someone who you respect by doing things you find respectful, and you'll be making yourself happy. Your actions determine your thoughts. If you aren't confident in yourself, you'll always feel vulnerable to other peoples opinions [when in the end they don't really matter] which can stem anxiety and depression and cause you to move on a lot slowly simply because you aren't being who you want to be. So in a nutshell, trying to rebuild your confidence helps you move on completely? So I've read that using affirmations helps you in numerous ways. Do you find that this is a long term solution or is it just a short term fixer upper? Funny you mention feeling vulnerable to other people's opinions because its true, I have always been that way. My new philosophy (since this break up) All I can do is take it one day at a time and not force myself to feel better. Now that I feel better, I ask myself all the time, I need to be over this already why am I not, he doesn't deserve my wasted time on him (thoughts and feelings)
wilsonx Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I'm not the dumpee and I can't read her mind, but she's probably going to end up hung up on the OP for awhile until she starts examining herself and looking for ways to improve. Only by improving herself and growing will she move away from her past relationship, and then she can realize "I really did do nothing wrong". This is what I wanted to see too. In your other posts, you assumed that there was fault in the dumpees too because you had some fault in your relationship. My ex told me for reasons of the break up. "You were a good boyfriend you werent a great boyfriend" (I have put this on my resume and tell all my new dates this). She also said I was safe and comfortable with you. (she told me this as a reason for the breakup). It took me a long time to get closure on this but essentially she meant she was not use to being safe and comfortable. She is not use to this type of environment. It took me asking my crazy female friends what she meant by this and both of them explained this to me without them referencing each other. They said my ex is not use to stability. My friends aren't use to stability either and prefer chaos and the unknown and even hurt. I came to the conclusion that we weren't meant for each other. Its ok too but I did suffer because of her lies and manipulation but I know for me, I will be better off without her and she will be in a place that's she feels more comfortable.
PelicanPete Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 So in a nutshell, trying to rebuild your confidence helps you move on completely? Pretty much yeah. If you feel good about yourself and who you are, your judgements of yourself will take the reins instead of other peoples opinions/judgements of you, including your ex's. So I've read that using affirmations helps you in numerous ways. Do you find that this is a long term solution or is it just a short term fixer upper? I don't want to get into the neurology behind the answer to that question because it could spoil your results. I've never really used them, but that doesn't mean they won't work for you. Basically if you believe affirmations will work, they will work. You just have to have faith in it. Funny you mention feeling vulnerable to other people's opinions because its true, I have always been that way. Now that I feel better, I ask myself all the time, I need to be over this already why am I not, he doesn't deserve my wasted time on him (thoughts and feelings) Do you have the mindset of that you want to be over him, or do you feel obligated that you should be over him by now? Is it about where you feel you should be at, or where you think you should be from the perceptions of others? A way of centering your thoughts about you is building confidence in yourself, and I explained how you can do that in my last post . Feel free to PM me anytime with your questions sun_moon. I can help you make it a lot more positive then just getting over your ex.
PelicanPete Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) Sorry for double posts, I didn't see the replies til I finished my own FINALLY!!!!!! I have been getting a ton of PM's from people that were freaking out after your posts in the G.I.G.S. thread. I love your opinions but your posts left many to think that their Ex dumped them because of some problem or issue that they had. The sole reason they were dumped was 100% their fault and they asked / brought it upon themselves. Sorry about that, I didn't know I was causing such an upset. Had I known I would've tried to clarify that earlier. This is what I wanted to see too. In your other posts, you assumed that there was fault in the dumpees too because you had some fault in your relationship. It isn't or wasn't about me or my experience with my past relationship. It's never 100% someones fault. A relationship is 50/50, even if you feel it's not important you make it that way. Even if it is a case of GIGS and the dumper leaves you for no particular reason, you still need to analyze yourself and your own actions. Not necessarily because you made a mistake, but because it is a way of re-wiring your brain to live without this person and to move on. Through examining yourself, you probably will find some sort of fault that you can improve on which will create a path way to continue to grow from the relationship. Unless you didn't have a dramatic breakup which caused you a lot of pain, your thinking and opinions are somewhat bias because you're hurt from the experience, and you'll never really know for sure. You won't know it is full blown case of GIGS until you become indifferent towards your ex. But because the prerequisites for it are so brief, it attracts a lot of attention. I just don't agree with dumpees going to the GIGS forum and becoming completely focused on the dumpers actions instead of their own when the break up is still fresh. In the early stages of a break up, GIGS is a good foundation but not a result. I don't mean it to discredit homebrew or wilsonx, but you will have a lot harder time moving on if you don't examine yourself. Edited September 4, 2011 by PelicanPete
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