How can you love someone for 9 years and just suddenly want a break?

[TheCakeIsALie]

Here's my situation:

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 9 years. We do not live together (and both live at home) but usually see each other 3 times a week. Recently, he went up to his family cottage but gave no notice as to when he will return. He only called twice in the 2.5 weeks he was away. We usually talk every other night when at home.

 

Before he got back, he called to let me know when he would be home so that I could meet him at his home. When we finally saw each other, it felt like something was off.

 

In the past 2 weeks since he got back home, it feels like he wants nothing to do with me, hold my hand in public, or even call me. He has said he wants to find himself to be happy and that I'm his best friend and doesn't want to lose me in that part of his life. He says he wants a partner that stimulates him intellectually but such issues have never arisen before. He says he loves me but want to wait until after we attend a friend's wedding to discuss things thoroughly.

 

Does this mean that he wants to break up with me completely and is too much of a coward to break things off now, or does he really want to "take a break" and work things out?

 

At this time I am completely heart broken and cannot stop crying about this. I am confused beyond belief as before his cottage trip, everything was good; and we were lovey-dovey and affectionate. Please advise.

Edited September 3, 2011 by TheCakeIsALie

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am sorry for the pain you're in and the loss you're experiencing.

 

Honestly - I do believe, from your post, that he is breaking up with you and trying to be "gentle" about it.

 

Your relationship sounds like it's been "status quo" for a very long time. It's probably come to the point where it would be time to either move forward (like, get married or move in together) or, let it go.

 

In fact, it may have come to this point years ago. 9 years is a VERY long time for a relationship to hold steady in a pattern like the one you describe.

 

I do hope that you can surround yourself with loving and supportive people during this time, and also that you are able to let go of this person even though you still feel love for him. Trying to hold onto a person who wants to go makes it much worse ...

 

Take care.

[TheCakeIsALie]

What I don't understand that is, during the last year, we have talked about having a family together and what our future holds. We have even picked out kids' names. We have even looked at apartment listings to move in together. How could he just suddenly decide he doesn't want that?

 

He keeps repeating that I am his best friend and that he loves me, but I don't believe him anymore after his sudden change of heart. I'm not sure how to proceed or even if we should discuss it more for closure. He has given me his spiel but he hasn't even given me a chance to voice mine.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm sure it is not "sudden" to him. I imagine that the talking about the future, kids' names, etc. may have ultimately brought it home to him that his future, as he sees it, is not with you.

 

You need to take care of YOU. If it is too painful to remain his friend, then don't. I know I couldn't. If you need to tell him your "spiel" as you say, then I am sure you could arrange to have that talk. I'm not sure what it would gain you, but maybe you would get some closure. I certainly would advise you AGAINST trying to "talk him out" of this break-up. If his heart is not in it, it would not be good for you.

 

If you can, I would consider not having contact with him for quite a while, while you recover from this and start to feel better. It will get better, too, even though now I'm sure that seems impossible.

[TheCakeIsALie]

thank you for your insight. He is acting so nonchalant about the break up like it never happened. I want to hear him out though I know it would probably be a bad idea. But for now, I am feeling so raw from the break up that I am surely irrational.

 

I am very close with his family and no contact might be a little difficult. I'm not even sure how to discuss our break up with his family. Or if I should just hide in my room and ignore everyone for a while although I know it's unhealthy.

[sydo2012]

Here's my situation:

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 9 years. We do not live together (and both live at home) but usually see each other 3 times a week. Recently, he went up to his family cottage but gave no notice as to when he will return. He only called twice in the 2.5 weeks he was away. We usually talk every other night when at home.

 

Before he got back, he called to let me know when he would be home so that I could meet him at his home. When we finally saw each other, it felt like something was off.

 

In the past 2 weeks since he got back home, it feels like he wants nothing to do with me, hold my hand in public, or even call me. He has said he wants to find himself to be happy and that I'm his best friend and doesn't want to lose me in that part of his life. He says he wants a partner that stimulates him intellectually but such issues have never arisen before. He says he loves me but want to wait until after we attend a friend's wedding to discuss things thoroughly.

 

Does this mean that he wants to break up with me completely and is too much of a coward to break things off now, or does he really want to "take a break" and work things out?

 

At this time I am completely heart broken and cannot stop crying about this. I am confused beyond belief as before his cottage trip, everything was good; and we were lovey-dovey and affectionate. Please advise.

i think i met somebody else. and he cant have her and he is trying to ..improve you. i think the best thing to do is to react the same at every thing he does or says. be a mirror for a while without him to notice to see how he is reacting, and after that you will make a decision.

but still after all this time is really bad that is no comunication?