ihavelotsofcoconuts Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Ok so here's the deal. I'm currently in a relationship (2 years) with this girl...and she's great. We get along, she's good looking, the sex is good, and this year she's coming to the same college I go to. But I think I'm attracted to someone else. There's this girl...a former classmate of my girlfriend that just blew my mind. I can't get her out of my head. She likes sports and working out just as much as I do (whereas my gf doesn't that much), she has the same music tastes as I do (again, my gf doesn't), and from what I understand we have similar behaviours (assertive, outgoing, confident, ambitious, etc). I'm torn here. One one hand my I can't really break up with my current gf over nothing...she really has been patient and she says she loves me and that she's glad to have me. But do I still feel the same? The fact that I'm actually asking this question, suggests that no...I don't. But I can't break her heart like that. I mean she thinks it's all good, she's coming to the same college as me, and <<poof>> I come out of nowhere and shatter her world. I'd feel terrible and like a douchbag. And on the other hand there's no guarantee that this other girl would be interested in me. After all, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush right? Ah what the hell am I doing? I just can't get this other girl out of my mind. I constantly find myself looking endlessly on her facebook profile...I'm slightly obsessed with her. But I couldn't bear to break my gf's heart like that. Help a brother out guys/girls. Please?
silly_panda Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I don't know what I should say... If you really feel that you got no feelings on your girlfriend, then you shouldn't waste her time and also your time... It's unfair for her... If you are really sure you have no feelings for her, it's better to end it now than later... And about this new girl, how much you actually know her..? It's just infatuation that you are feeling now... But if you really wanna try it... By all means, go ahead... If you ever decide to go after this new girl, make sure you end it with your girlfriend first... Be a man... Don't cheat on her... But bare this in mind... People, do not know what they got til it's gone... So I hope you don't live to regret your decision if you do choose to end it with her...
mike588 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 You've spent 2 years with your current g/f and everything is good. Stick with her! Are you going to risk giving up something that is good and has lasted 2 yrs. over something unknown and in the meantime break your girls heart??? Don't do it!!
Author ihavelotsofcoconuts Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 yeah but i can't stop thinking about here. we're so much alike and enjoy doing the same things. Maybe i don't know what's under my nose but what am i supposed to do with this obsession that's driving me to think about that girl every 5-10 minutes
Nohbody Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Then sit down with the person you are with and explain this to them. Tell them why you are leaving, that it is someone else, and that there is nothing they can do to keep you around because you can't stop thinking about this other person. Be honest, end it clean, and leave no false hope. Anything less is cowardly.
Author ihavelotsofcoconuts Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 yeah but the thing is i'm torn. My current gf is a kind warm person and I'd just hate myself for hurting her and breaking her heart. On the other hand, is it ok to drag on endlessly when clearly all I think about is this other girl? I don't want to do the wrong thing and hurt anybody
LelouchIsZero Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Would I be right if I said that the feelings your ex has for you, aren't as strong as the feelings you have for her? I'm not too sure what I think of this, as you haven't really given any good reason as to why you're actually with your gf. It seems as if it was more out of convenience then anything else, as now something 'better' has come along, you're willing to get rid of your 2 year long relationship without even considering the idea of trying to 'fix' things. The reasons you've given in regards to why you're considering the new girl over your gf aren't very good. What does music taste & working out have anything to do with the relationship? so what that she doesn't have the same music taste or like working out, its not like shes hurting you by being that way.
marqueemoon4 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 (edited) Welcome to GIGS. Personally I think you are being kinda greedy.. you know how many people would kill to have a bf/gf like you are describing you already have? On the flip side, maybe you need to let this woman go and be with someone who really appreciates her. Edited September 3, 2011 by marqueemoon4
wilsonx Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I'm watching this thread for entertainment purposes. I know what you are going to do. The fact that your asking here shows that you are looking for validation to end the relationship and you have to find that wwithin yourself. I know you are going to end the relationship so do it right. 1. Tell her the truth, even give this website. 2. You have to let her go, you can't be friends with her its not fair to her 3. We can tell you that the grass isn't greener on the otherside but you have to experience it for yourself. Good Luck
Portisphish Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 You are, what? 20? Why do you want to be in a long term relationship now? Get yourself where you want to be, first. If you can't be fully happy with the person you are with, then you shouldn't be with them. Don't be a pu**y. Tell her the truth.
silly_panda Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 If you wanna end it, just end it cleanly... Don't drag her along...
without Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I'm watching this thread for entertainment purposes. I know what you are going to do. The fact that your asking here shows that you are looking for validation to end the relationship and you have to find that wwithin yourself. I know you are going to end the relationship so do it right. 1. Tell her the truth, even give this website. 2. You have to let her go, you can't be friends with her its not fair to her 3. We can tell you that the grass isn't greener on the otherside but you have to experience it for yourself. Good Luck yes it isn't greener.but you won't believe us will you?
confusedandupset Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 you say you don't want to break your girlfriends heart, but you are indirectly creating feelings (infatuation) for someone else whilst making your gf believe in you and the relationship. Obviously, if it wouldn't have been this girl it would have been another to also catch your fancy, and you would feel doubt. You'd might as well inform your girlfriend that although you've had a good relationship, it just isn't enough for you to stay in it and that you've created an obsessive infatuation for another person. My ex seemed to have done the same thing you did. When he and I broke up, he rushed to the side of the girl he had met in Austria, she however did not break up with her bf at the time to be with my ex. When that didn't work out for his favor, all of a sudden he wasn't ignoring me anymore. We got back together, but he kept this girl right by his side. This has been the basic downfall of our relationship. And guess who he's with again? That's right, the same girl. Save your gf who is a decent person the pain now, and allow her to find herself someone who doesn't let an infatuation cause confusion.
lymtal1 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 totally agree with what everyone has said. there is no way that you are going to be happy and you will forever regret that you stayed when you have this obsession. the reality is the grass is usually never greener but without that discovery you will always regret. the regretfullness will always haunt you. but you have to be honest with your current. i can promise you that i was in this situation three months ago and although i was devestated and still am, i do not have this hate in my heart for her. i respect her for what she did and i completely understand what she did. she told me that she could have very easily stayed with me but that she would have hated me down the road and did not want that. do the right thing and explore this so you can feel good about you and her. bear in mind she is going to be crushed. it will set her back like you can't believe. but if you do it the right way it might work out ok. do not give her false hope when you have this discussion with her. make sure she understands that you want the best for her and if that is her finding someone else that is ok with you. DO NOT STRING HER ALONG. and do not stay with her if you in your heart know that yo must do this. you and her will walk away feeling sad but knowing that it was done right. if the other does not work out you two may in the future. but do not tell her that. do not give her hope of this and watch your words, no breadcrumbs she can hold on to. you need to go do this for you and her because if you don't you will always wonder what if and that is so sad.
antinko Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Sigh. Wilsonx has it right. The most selfish thing you can do is drag it out and 'let her down lightly' because there's nothing 'light' about being 'let down' in such an excruciatingly drawn out way. Read my story and the many others written by people who've experienced being dumped by someone with GIGS and we'll all say it sucks royally. Give your partner a speedier recovery and less self doubt: just make it clean and quick.
fiat500 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Change is inevitable and the things and people you want now aren't going to be the same later. But you have to learn and walk your own path to really know that and to find out what's real and what's not. Tell your current girlfriend the truth and let her go. Don't give her false hope. Don't lie to her. Tell her goodbye.
Spices Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 yeah but i can't stop thinking about here. we're so much alike and enjoy doing the same things. Maybe i don't know what's under my nose but what am i supposed to do with this obsession that's driving me to think about that girl every 5-10 minutes The fact that you're infatuated & obsessed with this other girl is a flag in & of itself. Obsessions are never healthy, regardless of what it is. I'd go as far as to unfriend this girl from Facebook.
wilsonx Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Spices, I agree with you but at this point, the relationship is over. He's not mentally mature enough to see this because he doesn't have the experience. The only way for him to experience it is to actually do it and that's part of growing up. The second this thread was posted was the second this relationship actually ended because he was looking for validation.
sun_moon Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Ok OP/ Coconut Dude, This thread is unanimous! You owe your current girl friend an HONEST conversation, and the sooner the better. Let her go. Explore you curiosity. Do not contact her and try to fix things, if this doesn't pan out. It's not fair that you keep her in your back pocket, no body should be treated as second best. I know you feel guilty and I know your concerned about her feelings, but if I were in her shoes and found out you had reservations and feelings for another, I would be crushed anyways, the pain is inevitable. So at least be honest so you can maintain your self respect, her respect, and the respect you have for your relationship. You owe her that much. Keep us posted.
Author ihavelotsofcoconuts Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 i've observed something about me: whenever i spend a couple of days with my gf I feel ok, like she gets me. We have sex and go out, watch movies, it's all good. But whenever we're apart I start feeling about that other girl again. It's quite conflicting because I don't what to make of it
wilsonx Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) i've observed something about me: whenever i spend a couple of days with my gf I feel ok, like she gets me. We have sex and go out, watch movies, it's all good. But whenever we're apart I start feeling about that other girl again. It's quite conflicting because I don't what to make of it This right here is what homebrew and i talk about with gigs. This is the example, its right here in front of you. I saw it and he saw it in our relationships. There is nothing wrong with this right now at this point. Your girlfriend will see this soon and start to get jealous. The difference between homebrew and i is his ex told him the truth, mine lied to me for 3 months while she pursued the relationship with the other guy and telling me she loved me and that's wrong selfish and cheating You need to do 1 of 2 things, end the relationship for her or end your feelings for her and continue the relationship. Anything else is pretty much selfish and and at this point emotional cheating which can lead to physical cheating while in a relationship Edited September 4, 2011 by wilsonx
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) i've observed something about me: whenever i spend a couple of days with my gf I feel ok, like she gets me. We have sex and go out, watch movies, it's all good. But whenever we're apart I start feeling about that other girl again. It's quite conflicting because I don't what to make of it We choose to nurture our thoughts. i.e, if a random thought occurs to us, we can ponder it briefly/let it pass/or focus on it in more depth. We can create thought patterns/habits out of focusing on things in more depth... If you feel helpless to your "obsession" with another girl, and you want to eradicate it, you have to push her out of your head. Either empty your thoughts out or actively work to replace this other girl with something else (a concept, a new hobby/sport/activity, your own girlfriend and what makes her happy, etc etc etc) Every single time you look at this other girls pictures etc you are choosing to feed your obsession. Now, you have to make a decision. You can try to figure out why you're drawn to someone else, or you can chalk it up to generic human nature and leave it alone. If you've analyzed your relationship with your current girlfriend and you believe she meets the relationships needs, you need to identify what your other needs are. I don't think another girl is an answer to them... but I'm not you. This is probably a lesson you will have to learn, like others have mentioned. People can tell you all day long that the "grass isn't greener" but maybe you just have to break a heart and suffer it to learn one way or the another. The "honorable" thing to do is to communicate things with your current girlfriend and let her know where you stand... either way. Work on your current relationship or your own self, or leave your relationship and pursue the other girl / work on your own self. The girl you're with now does deserve to know, and with that awareness decide if SHE wants to continue investing into YOU... or allow a break between you two until you make your mind up, or whatever it is she decides. Edited September 4, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
GinaM Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 well, I believe in a boomerang rule just imagine if you will be at her place someone you really love and care about wants to try dating another guy
Recommended Posts