Should I be careful with this coworker crush?

[gyshalgrrl]

Hello all,

 

First, a little background information. I'm a 25 year old female, and I'm currently married to possibly the most wonderful man in the world. He's smart, handsome, sweet, talented, sensitive, and I'm still incredibly attracted to him (no complaints in the bedroom whatsoever). He is really the one person in the world who understands me. His family is amazing. He is amazing. He would do absolutely anything for me. We've been married for almost 2 years now, and I've never been more happy.

 

I just started a new job--my very first serious job since graduating college--at an important institution. I lucked out and wound up in an incredibly important spot, and I'm constantly working with the people who run absolutely everything there. It's been a challenge and I'm loving every minute of it. Nothing could be going more perfectly.

 

On my very first day of work my direct boss brought everyone to my desk to introduce them to me, and I met SO MANY people but there was one person in particular who stood out--let's call him Jim. He is the boss in another department separate from mine (but reports to people in my department). Jim came up to shake my hand, looked into my eyes, and we both suddenly got these hugely embarrassing ridiculous grins on our faces--a very obvious "oh wow, I'm glad you look so good" moment. I felt so silly afterward, I was just dreading seeing him again.

 

Everything felt a little awkward for a while. I'd see him in the hallway and we'd be walking by each other and saying hi, always breaking into these big ridiculous smiles. I would catch him staring at my breasts (subconsciously I'm sure) and one day he actually SAW me catch him which was awful. He was caught off guard and looked embarrassed and we have definitely NOT mentioned that in conversation. After that he seemed to make a concerted effort to always look at my face whenever he saw me, though he has slipped up a handful of times.

 

A woman in Jim's department for some reason or another tried to sabotage me (for absolutely no reason other than to secure her own job--which I understand, I suppose), and she was caught by MY boss. Jim had to have some kind of meeting with the saboteur, and after this meeting this woman was incredibly unfriendly to me every time she saw me. I mentioned this to my boss, who then mentioned it to Jim. The very next day, the woman was MUCH more pleasant and professional, though it was obviously forced.

 

That very same day is the day that he and I started to become closer. Everyone in his department seemed to not like me very much from the get-go, and I'm pretty sure he knew that. I should probably point out that I'm the youngest person in the whole office, and I'm definitely what most would classify as a cute girl, so I think this has caused a little bit of animosity. Anyway, he started to be very sweet to me, always stopping and saying hi, when there's absolutely no reason to and his department has a separate more convenient entrance than coming through the door where my office is. It was nice because I felt like there was at least someone in his department who didn't think I was a complete moron or wasn't trying to get me fired.

 

Then he started to bring me little projects--just silly things like photocopying. These were sort of related to my department, but not really, and it's not as if he couldn't have had any one of the 5-6 women in his department take care of this. Maybe he didn't want to because they were all feeling slighted already, I'm not really sure. Either way, there is nothing in my job description that would connect either of us in any capacity.

 

So anyway, these projects have continued, and the more we've worked together the more comfortable we've gotten. With each project there has been more one-on-one interaction (subtly increasing), more emails (all work related) and more and more playful conversation. Nothing innapropriate or even indicating that we'd be attracted to each other, just playful joking.

 

He's found me on my lunch break once and said "what a wonderful coincidence!" (I have just recently discovered my lunch spot is right outside his office window). I acted totally awkward, because yes I am attracted to him and I feel incredibly guilty about it. I was nervous giddy, and I felt like a 12 year old girl. It was ridiculous.

 

A little about Jim: He's in his early 40's. He has a wife and kids, but he pretty much lives at work. He's usually there before I arrive, and he's always there after I leave. I have heard him mention to other male coworkers about how he promised his wife he'd be home for dinner so he needs to try and leave early or things like that, but he has never mentioned his wife to me, and has only mentioned kids once (never gone into detail). I've also, admittedly, never mentioned my husband to him. He also is not nearly as warm towards me in front of the other male higher-ups. He's chivalrous and always opens doors if I'm walking through or if he sees me carrying something heavy he'll rush over to help, and I've never seen him do that for anyone else.

 

My concerns: Obviously I think he's attractive. I have a past with older men anyhow--there's just some sort of pull they have on me. I have started to have fantasies about him, and have caught myself daydreaming, and I look forward to seeing him every day (which to me feels like the most terrible part). Right now it's just harmless and fun...but I'm really worried. I'm a pretty perceptive person, and I'm 85% positive he finds me attractive too, which I find to be very flattering and I can't help but enjoy it. I'm also scared to ever meet his wife at work functions because I'm afraid she'd be able to tell...

 

I don't know...I guess I'm just feeling guilty about the fantasizing. Other women have passed my husband their phone numbers at his job, and other men have hit on me in the past, and I've thought about what it would be like just momentarily and I'm sure he has too...but neither one of us would ever actually ACT on it. Not even in this case, I wouldn't. For some reason I just feel more guilty this time around...

 

 

I don't know...I guess, does it sound like this coworker may find me attractive as well, and should I be careful?

[TheMongoose]

I think it sounds harmless and isnt anything to worry about. We all flirt and look at other people. Your both married so its not really a big deal. It'd be a problem if he was single. Although you might want to casually bring up your husband.. And for him finding you attractive you already know the answer to that. You can tell when someone likes you even if you dont want to admit it. And we all like attention from other people its nothing to feel guilty about. Sometimes its just nice to know even though your married your still attractive. As long as you know you wont act on it then its nothing to worry about.

[CarrieT]

I have started to have fantasies about him, and have caught myself daydreaming, and I look forward to seeing him every day (which to me feels like the most terrible part). Right now it's just harmless and fun...but I'm really worried. I'm a pretty perceptive person, and I'm 85% positive he finds me attractive too, which I find to be very flattering and I can't help but enjoy it. I'm also scared to ever meet his wife at work functions because I'm afraid she'd be able to tell...

 

I don't know...I guess I'm just feeling guilty about the fantasizing. Other women have passed my husband their phone numbers at his job, and other men have hit on me in the past, and I've thought about what it would be like just momentarily and I'm sure he has too...but neither one of us would ever actually ACT on it. Not even in this case, I wouldn't. For some reason I just feel more guilty this time around...

 

 

I have highlighted two salient points...

 

You have no idea how often those of us of this board START to hear these phrases and then have turn into, "it was one of those harmless things" and "we never meant to do it."

 

The bottom line is that you started your whole tome with "I'm currently married to possibly the most wonderful man in the world" and yet you are not fantasizing about him.

 

You need to re-direct your thoughts IMMEDIATELY back to your marriage or the flirting and whatnot with the co-worker is going to escalate. I can guarantee it and then you will be here asking us how you got into this position and what to do.

 

You have the power to stop it immediately by putting the energy and focus in your marriage and in your job and not in this person. Considering his age and marriage/children factor, you could be just another plaything in a whole long line of flirts that he has had; you have no idea on that accord...

 

I would hazard to guess if he is seeking you out "for little projects," he is an old hand at this and it would make me suspect him of being a serial cheater, which does not make you special at all. That last factor comes from the voice of experience, having once been a 20-something who was constantly sought out by older men in a similar fashion.

 

Focus on your job and your marriage. Only you have the power to stop this guy in his tracks by not returning the flirts and not fantasizing. It is called concentration and being a responsible adult.

[Bittersweetie]

This whole situation sounds fishy....why would you be doing projects for him? I get this feeling, like Carrie, that he's done this before. You're a mark.

 

But even if that's not the case, then the answer to your question is yes, you should be careful. Every piece of energy that you put toward fantasizing about this other guy is energy that is removed from your husband and your marriage. It may be hard to do at first, to stop thinking about him (think of it as NC for your head) but you can make the choice to do it.