Almond_Joy Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Very brief summary: 10 month relationship, totally in love, ex has some family issues come up - falls into depression. Tells me we should just be friends. I try to be a supportive friend for two months but he ignores my communications. I confront him about where I stand with him and he blows me off. I've sent him 1 email since then - other than that it's been no contact. The breakup was nearly 6 months ago, him blowing me off was about 4 months ago. I know now that he doesn't love me anymore and has moved on. I just want to move on too. The thing is, he really was the best boyfriend I've ever had. I mean no one's made me as happy as he did. He told me he wanted us to marry and have a family one day, and I got sold on that idea. Now I can't let it go. Before I met him, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to have children, because I didn't think I was ever gonna find a guy that I loved and trusted enough to make that kind of commitment to(raising a child together). Then he comes into my life and he's everything I wanted (and, I think, most of what I needed) in a partner. He told me I'm the same for him and we made plans to build a life together. Then in the span of a couple of months, he goes from that to blowing me off. To BLOCKING ME on FB to avoid me. I don't understand how things changed so quickly....and I just feel stuck. I wake up every day KNOWING that we are a good match for each other, and that despite what he's done I still love him.....I don't know what to do with that certainty, because I can't go back to him. He doesn't want me. Do I have to meet someone else that makes me feel this way again before I can get over this guy? Because I've done all this work on myself and I have changed. I'm happy with myself, I have a solid sense of self, I know what I need and what I want. The only thing I feel missing is a significant other. He was the closest thing to a perfect match for me that I've come across in my life so far (I'm 25, btw) and I don't know when I'm going to find a match like that again. I'm sure someone else is out there, but in the meantime, all I can do is remember how good things were with my ex and I.....it makes me sick, reminescing over something that isn't ever gonna happen with this guy again. **sigh** I don't really see an immediate solution to this, guess I'm mostly venting about it because I can't think of anything else I can do about the situation. Any opinions or suggestions are appreciated, though. Thanks for reading.
silly_panda Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 You felt that way cause you thought he was the best that you ever had... And you wouldn't find someone else like him... Same old advice... There are better guys out there... Not only someone as good as him, but better... Be patience, no rush...
2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Know how you feel almond joy just when you think you have met potentially the one a bomb is dropped and you spend the next year or so mopping up the pieces. It's very hard to comprehend when you have so many emotions and memories floating about but i'm sure we will meet someone new in time, but I tell you my BU experience shook my confidence in dating/.trusting/investing emotions with someone else in general to all time low, after having pretty much rotten experience after rotten experience I thought I had met the one but she thought different and couldn't forgive me for moving too fast. Stay strong 2011
mike588 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Believe me you WILL find someone down the road who is much better than him and will look back on this and say,,,, what was I thinking. Really!! I know you don't feel that way now but you will!! We all think that the person I'm with now is "the one" give it time and you will see. It's all a part of growing.
ScienceGal Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I know it's cliche, but you were fine before him and you will be fine after him. I am in the same boat as you, although I can see why my ex is not good for me. I have identified many reasons why a relationship with him will not work. But, the lingering love and hope is still there and it is just as strong as the day we split. We can't help who we love, but we can make the choice to do everything in our power to better ourselves and to reclaim our life. I think that when you are ready to date, then you should. If for nothing else, then to at least see that there are other men out there. Even if you don't feel a spark, that's ok. But, you'll never know if you don't get out there. I went on a second date last night (this is the first man I've been out with since the split from my ex). I had a good time, and he seems like a genuinely nice person. You know what is silly? My biggest fear right now is that my ex will come back when I am seeing someone new and then I will have a real issue on my hands. But, you know what? I could waste my entire life having that fear and I will not do that. There is someone out there that is better suited for me, and though I do not like the time and effort it is going to take to find them, I am accepting it. Today I am feeling numb, unsure, missing my ex, scared to take a step away from my ex, scared to let someone else close to me, scared that I don't know what the heck I am doing! But you know what, I had a good time and I would go out with this man again. And if we keep going out I am sure the conversation about "us" is inevitable. So, I am ready to say that I want to take things slowly. I don't plan to have sex anytime soon (as I only really enjoy it in a loving and committed relationship) And, I don't want to jump into a relationship. I also don't want to hurt him or anyone else by being dishonest. If at anytime he doesn't like what he hears, he can choose to stop seeing me. And I can choose to stop seeing him for any reason too. The key is 1) being true to yourself and 2)being fair and honest to the other person when those conversation arise. Its sounds to me like you really have a solid sense of yourself. So, get out there and just be patient. Go into it just to have a fun experience, a good conversation, have some laughs. You deserve those happy moments. There is something both frightening and beautiful about opening yourself up to someone. Choose to focus on the beautiful and you will find that connection you're looking for Best of luck
Lexygirl Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I don't understand how things changed so quickly....and I just feel stuck. I wake up every day KNOWING that we are a good match for each other Almond Joy, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this and feeling stuck. Now it's time to get unstuck. It's unfair that he didn't explain his exact reasons for breaking up with you but the fact is he did and that is out of your control. What IS in your control is getting through your healing process and moving forward. You say that you wake up KNOWING that you are a good match for each other... THAT is what is keeping you STUCK ! It's time to let go of the notions that there is only ever ONE person in the world who can be a good match for us... are you kidding me? There are over 6 billion ppl in the world.. surely someone else is compatible to you my dear. Get out there... start living and having fun... YOU deserve to let this go and stop looking at it as a loss but look at is at a learning opportunity and NOW an opportunity to meet someone who will appreciate you and cherish you. When you get sad about things that were so great about him, try to make your mind remember things that weren't so great about him. It helps. For some reason when there is a split up, we seem to dwell on all the things that were great about the relationship and forget about the bad. BTW, thank your lucky stars that he didn't waste years of your life holding on to a relationship that wasn't working for him. Get busy with your interests... make an effort every day to be happy in spite of him... or even TO SPITE him lol.. Perhaps it's time to get your anger on .. which can also be part of the grieving process... Google the 5 stages of grief.. that may help too. The last stage is acceptance and it could be closer than you think Take care girl.
Author Almond_Joy Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Thank you all, for sharing your experiences and advice. It really does help to put things back in perspective :-). I joined a meetup group and hung out with some new people for most of the weekend. By Sunday I was back to indifference, because I had a really good time. I have been through most of the phases /thought processes that you all have mentioned. When thinking about the relationship stopped hurting, like physically hurting or making me want to cry, I thought it was a sign that I was over it.....that the emotional damage from the break up had been repaired. So when I wrote the OP, I was also dissapointed because I felt like I lost progress, since thinking about him made me sad and lonely. I hadn't felt that way when I thought about my ex in weeks, before Friday that is. Science, I did go on a couple of dates and have to say at the time it did alleviate alot of that pressure of feeling like my ex was "the one," because I got on fairly well with the fellow I was on the date with. But afterwards I realized, like 2011, that it will probably be a long time before I trust anyone enough to open up again. It's true there's something beautiful in opening up, but the dissapointment of being let down or realizing that the connection isn't as great as you initially thought takes such a toll. It's so much work to recover from that dissapointment. I'm glad to know I can do that work now, and get over it....but I'd rather not have to if I can help it lol. And Lexy, you put a smile on my face with the phrase "get your anger on" lol. I know it doesn't sound like it from the original post, but I've been camping in the anger park for about two weeks. I may have been missing him and love him, but it will be a cold day in hell before I ever tell him that again, or give him the time of day. I gave him my best and he turned his nose up at it, just flat out ignored me. I know I deserve better than that. Nobody that cares about someone deserves to be treated that way.
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