jordjones Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 (edited) Scenario 1: Woman dumps man because he was too jealous, needy, clingy, etc. She dumps him, even though she still has some feelings for him (whether she realizes it at the moment or not). The dumpee wants his girl back and applies strict no contact and severs all possible contact with ex (phone, text, emails, everything) for the following time periods: Time: Chance at getting her back 1 day: <1% 7 days: 3% 14 days: 5% 30 days: 15% 60 days: 25% 90 days: 30% 180 days: 20-30% 365 days: 10% I obviously made these numbers up and there is no possible way to predict for sure, but the important concept is that no contact reaches a maximum return after a couple of months and then tapers off very slowly. Why is this? The dumper usually has the absolute worst impression of the dumpee at the point of the dumping; with time in NC, the dumper will be forced to reflect on all the times, good and bad, something that is generally not possible with contact, which keeps the negative impressions at the forefront of her memory. The conclusion here is clear for the dumpee: Patience is key, cause even after 30 days, you probably have at least a 4-5 month window with a decent - and quite possibly improving - chance of reconciliation. Scenario 2:Alternatively, let's assume the dumper adheres to strict no contact following the breakup in the same scenario above. However, she ultimately decides to break no contact with the hopes of getting back with the dumpee: Time: Chance at getting him back 1 day: 99% 7 days: 98% 14 days: 95% 30 days: 80% 60 days: 65% 90 days: 50% 180 days: 20-40% 365 days: 10% The power of no contact is fully realized with the numbers above. While the dumper has complete control over the relationship in the first days, that power begins to fade at an increasing rate as time goes on. Why is this? Well, with time, the dumpee has a chance to take the dumper of the pedestal, date other people, and improve himself, which all make him more attractive in the eyes of other prospects: all of these factors make it less likely that the dumpee, who was once the dumper's puppy dog, will take the dumper back. Again, I just made these numbers up, and obviously the real world provides us with details that make relationship math impossible; nevertheless, the trends from both tables are what one would expect from the aforementioned scenarios. and lead to the conclusion that no contact serves to increase the relative power of the dumpee. Obviously this post tells most what they already knew, but I felt that illustrating it like this might help some dumpees - like myself at the moment - visualize the returns of keeping no contact. Edited September 3, 2011 by jordjones
silly_panda Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Question... Who should initiate contact first..? As you see in scenario 1, the chance of the dumpee gets lower after about 3 months (based on the rough calculation)... Does the dumpee wait for the dumper to initiate contact..? Or they initiate it first..?
Hatu Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 For me I was the dumpee and the dumper (my ex-gf) initiated it. You HAVE to let the dumper initiate. Make them come to you. We all want what we can't have and people freak out when they stand to lose something.
Dblock10 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 how can you make the dumper initiate though.. doesn't seem possible really. specially like in my case, where neither of us wanted to break up, but she was going off for the travelling which ultimately came between us and she didnt want to give ldr a go as she said it doesnt work.
wilsonx Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 84% of all statistical posts are made up. Post some factual relevance behind this. It's all dependent on the breakup itself.
keepdancin Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Oh, Wilson, use your imagination. He said over and over, that this was all just ideas, no facts. Something to speculate upon. It's probably just from reading posts and whatnot that he came up with the numbers. Either way, it's an interesting idea. I actually find this idea quite interesting, especially when you think about the meeting of minds; how the dumpee is so ready to jump back initially and the dumper is the furthest away from going back initially. There's this weird high point of possibility at about 2-3 months. As time goes by, the dumpee (in NC) focuses on themselves and moving on while the dumper probably does stupid stuff initially like immediately dating, not dealing with growing from the mistakes of the relationship, just trying to move on, etc. (They're over it right? Have been for a while anyhow...right?) Meanwhile, the dumpee is probably more likely to be proactive about getting over it, because they are in so much pain. They will more likely journal, go to counseling, read books on the subject, take on new hobbies faster, etc. So, makes sense it kinda hits the dumper after a couple months that the grass ain't all that greener while the dumpee has probably done a lot of work on themselves and their lives over the months. Essentially, the dumpee (in NC) is more likely to have been working proactively to get over the ex, while the dumper is more likely to assume they are OVER it and not even deal, cuz why would they have to... and get hit later on. Just my 2 cents.
loverboy1984 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 65% of these statistics are correct 24% of the time.
0hpenelope Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 ... I actually find this idea quite interesting, especially when you think about the meeting of minds; how the dumpee is so ready to jump back initially and the dumper is the furthest away from going back initially. There's this weird high point of possibility at about 2-3 months. As time goes by, the dumpee (in NC) focuses on themselves and moving on while the dumper probably does stupid stuff initially like immediately dating, not dealing with growing from the mistakes of the relationship, just trying to move on, etc. (They're over it right? Have been for a while anyhow...right?) Meanwhile, the dumpee is probably more likely to be proactive about getting over it, because they are in so much pain. They will more likely journal, go to counseling, read books on the subject, take on new hobbies faster, etc. So, makes sense it kinda hits the dumper after a couple months that the grass ain't all that greener while the dumpee has probably done a lot of work on themselves and their lives over the months. Essentially, the dumpee (in NC) is more likely to have been working proactively to get over the ex, while the dumper is more likely to assume they are OVER it and not even deal, cuz why would they have to... and get hit later on. Just my 2 cents. Sometimes, it's not even months. My relatives who received contact w/ an ex experienced it years after. Other relatives who ended up getting back together with their exes and married them (still married!) reconciled years later. Then there are also "dumpers" who have absolutely no romantic interest in their ex anymore but wish them the best in their lives and maintain that mindset... or also have that mindset change later on. In any case, I agree with the general observations of your post, keepdancin. I understand that I'm bringing in personal anecdotes, but I'm not going to deny that for every permanent break up I've heard, I also heard just as much stories about couples re-kindling their romance in time. And then there are those people that can't be asked because they're not alive anymore.
Nohbody Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 This would be a great project for a mathematics major of some kind - There is enough data housed in this website that, with enough patience and enough help, one could comb through the archives and create data points based on when reconciliation attempts were made, who made them, and whether those attempts were ultimately successful or unsuccessful in the short and long term.
vanillacupcake Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I have broken up with two guys before, for being very overly needy and possessive. One, I never thought twice and haven't spoken to him since. The other, I text him time to time... and honestly, even though this sounds awful (but I am only being honest), I text him when I need a boost. But that's just me. I am a very care-free girl who loves her freedom.
DenumChkn Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Yes vanillacupcake, it does sound awful because it is - why are you so insecure that you feel the need to use your ex (who likely still harbors some feelings/hurt) for an ego boost? I bet he is gracious and kind and doesn't bring up the breakup either (all while hoping you're re-considering him) while you USE him to feel better about yourself. Doesn't sound like you have learned much from the breakup: Grow the eff up. People's hearts are not your personal little play toys to be disposed of at your leisure when you lead them on and they become 'possessive'. Yes, breaking up with a guy because he is being too needy is very valid (it happened to me recently and though it hurts, I acknowledge my flaws), but continuing to lead him on and give him a glimmer of hope is cruel and unusual. You need to take a good long hard look at your freedom loving care-free face in the mirror and do some maturing - Hopefully before you get involved in any more relationships with poor unsuspecting saps and treating them in the manner a 6 year old treats a new toy.
Nohbody Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 vanillacupcake - a sweet little carefree emotional vampire.
vanillacupcake Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Do you realize how many times people whine and cry on here, asking why their ex is contacting them? What it means behind it? It's not always because they want to get back together. A lot of times its because they are lonely -- lonely and that's it. I am only being honest. Some people just like to go back to what they are comfortable with because they know what to expect. And I know I am not crazy to be the only dumper who has contacted an ex because they were lonely. I am not saying it was the right thing to do, I am not saying I do it now... I am saying I have done it in the past.
wyrllish Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 People hate on dumpers too much here. They offer a very specific insight into things that we should honestly welcome. I wish more dumpers would post here as it would aid the whole purpose of this board.
Jonnyy Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 People hate on dumpers too much here. They offer a very specific insight into things that we should honestly welcome. I wish more dumpers would post here as it would aid the whole purpose of this board. I actually couldnt agree more. It really shows us dumpees a whole new side to things and is a great learning experience. I also want to point out keepdancin's post. I love it. Thats really all i can say, but its true. Its so true and it gives me that motivation to move on and build myself into an amazing person.
M2155 Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 People hate on dumpers too much here. They offer a very specific insight into things that we should honestly welcome. I wish more dumpers would post here as it would aid the whole purpose of this board. Yes I would love to hear more Vanillacupcake's perspective. What could hopeless dumpee do to catch you off guard? My ex isn't contacting me anymore but I def don't want to give my ex any more ego boosts if he does!
blakjak Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 It's simple lads. Be short/sweet/to the point when ex contacts. If he/she fancies you they will make more of an effort. I have made the mistake of being a little too warm after NC. Not spamming her with praise and compliments or anything. But too warm regardless. Gotta play it really cool. It's a game. Even if they don't want to get back together from the get go... I'm sure it will bother them when you don't react with sunshine and daisies. People want what they can't have. P.S Hater gon' hate
appletini Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Yikes - 2 to 3 months??? In my past experience as the dumper, I tried to reconcile way, way sooner (something I should not have done - but I truly believed it was right at the time). As the dumpee, I can't imagine having the same feelings 3 months later... and I honestly think as the dumpee I would be shocked to know that an ex was still thinking about me then. Still, my recent breakup was a little weird and something we both knew was right for the moment... My bf refuses to grow up (at 27) and I'm very career-focused at the moment, so the timing's not right, or maybe we're just not right for each other. We still love each other a lot. I'm really wondering at what point I can expect to hear from him at all, which is why I found this post interesting. I guess I categorize myself as the dumpee even though the words spoken during the breakup were very mutual (and very painful for both of us). I know that over the next few months I'll hear back about little signs that he's doing better, moving on, maybe dating, etc. I just wonder at what point I can tell that he's truly, truly over it.
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