antinko Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I understand what it's like to feel nervous in new settings and situations, but sometimes you just have to put yourself out there and take risks. Relationships involve many risks because they're part of life and life can be a bit scary sometimes. Many folks ask questions on this forum which indicate that they believe, or wish, there to be some kind of 'system' or 'correct method' of acting in order to achieve in social, specifically dating, situations, but in my experience, the best way to be is to be you. The fact is that, if you try and adopt alien behaviours, i.e. a way of acting which isn't natural to you, then it's going to be obvious to potential partners and you'll come across as insincere. Furthermore, the things you worry about when dating are likely the least of your date's worries and, if anything, that which should worry you will probably go unchecked and quite possibly will blindside you at some point... But relax, because this happens to everyone. Just be true to yourself and try not to fret. The fact is, there are plenty of people out there who will likely be suitable partners for you and, if you learn from experience, then you're more likely to be more successful as time goes by. Everyone makes mistakes, but they don't make you any less of a person. Quite frankly, the most successful people I ever knew, even in dating, made some quite hilarious errors when they looked back at them. It's just life. I believe the worst thing a person can do is cocoon themselves and not take any action at all for fear of 'failing' in some way. Everyone has something going for them and quite often they have qualities that other people appreciate that they don't even recognise themselves. I know people who have major difficulties to face in their every day lives: some physically handicapped, mentally, some facing dire economical situations and more, but they're capable of, and enjoy, good romantic relationships because they accept themselves and constantly try to be better. These people are far stronger than I - I'm quite lucky being me and, in comparison, have very little to complain about. But the point is that the barriers we perceive when it comes to dating quite often exist, to a large extent, in our minds. Yes, some people are shallow. Yes, some people will hurt you. Yes, you will hurt sometimes, but these are learning opportunities. Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest. I know it's easier to say than do, but I believe in it and I see it being done. The path to romance and meaningful relationships is rocky, but you don't have to be Adonis or Aphrodite to get anywhere...
Zaphod B Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 In some ways I do agree with you. You can't pretend to be someone you're not, but at the same time I think self development is a huge thing when it comes to scoring attention from members of the opposite sex and can be used to increase your success. If I hadn't made efforts to change my own attitudes and my approaches, I'd still be the painfully shy guy I was several years ago, being too afraid to approach a woman. I'm sure glad I'm not that person anymore.
Jynxx Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 ... the best way to be is to be you... ...the worst thing a person can do is cocoon themselves and not take any action at all... But what if 'being yourself' means 'being someone who likes to cocoon himself'? /argument
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 What is also lost on many posters is that the same skills that make one more attractive to the opposite sex also make them more attractive to potential friends, employers, and so forth. These skills can be improved by seeking out opportunities to build social networks. I've mentioned doing volunteer work, joining clubs where you have mutual interests... learn how to be a better friend, and if you have few friends, work on finding more. Alot of these folks come off as 'hoovers'... they are so lonely that they have little to offer another person except suck them dry of emotions. That it is all about them and their needs. This is very unattractive. Or, they flip the other direction... going way over board in trying to please another person.... and the object of their affections wonders what strings are possibly attached to this unreasonable attention. Learning that balance is something one can do without waiting for dates to happen.
Author antinko Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 Agreed American Life. Also, yeh sure, if someone wants to cocoon themselves, then that's fine. You're in control of your own desires. My point is that, for those people who think they have something 'wrong' with themselves, well, they more than likely have a lot of great things going for them. However, it doesn't rule out self improvement. I just feel there's a big difference between improving yourself for your own benefit and trying to fit a model projected by others/media.
aj22one Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 The fact is that, if you try and adopt alien behaviours, i.e. a way of acting which isn't natural to you, then it's going to be obvious to potential partners and you'll come across as insincere. I think some of the people have worse problems than appearing insincere. There seems to be quite a few men on this forum who are completely clueless about attracting women. Many of them virgins, but some haven't even kissed a girl. They really need to get going on correcting this, even if they adopt some "alien behaviors" in order to do so. Because they don't want to wake up at 35 and realize their pool of available partners (especially those who would be understanding of their lack of dating history) has dried up. Anyway, most of your post I agree with. Just had a minor disagreement with this part.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I think some of the people have worse problems than appearing insincere. There seems to be quite a few men on this forum who are completely clueless about attracting women. Many of them virgins, but some haven't even kissed a girl. They really need to get going on correcting this, even if they adopt some "alien behaviors" in order to do so. Because they don't want to wake up at 35 and realize their pool of available partners (especially those who would be understanding of their lack of dating history) has dried up. Anyway, most of your post I agree with. Just had a minor disagreement with this part. Learning a new skill always feels a little alien at first. My big gripe with some of the 'tricks' being peddled to attract people seem disrespectful... and lets say... designed for a less than good and worthwhile outcome. A worthwhile outcome being a mutually beneficial and healthy relationship... Not simply getting jacked off in one way or another (emotionally, physically, or financially).
grkBoy Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I agree with most of it. I've always felt the goal is to be your best self...not someone who isn't completely you. You find the things you like and that the opposite sex likes, and go with it.
aj22one Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Learning a new skill always feels a little alien at first. My big gripe with some of the 'tricks' being peddled to attract people seem disrespectful... and lets say... designed for a less than good and worthwhile outcome. A worthwhile outcome being a mutually beneficial and healthy relationship... Not simply getting jacked off in one way or another (emotionally, physically, or financially). Fair enough. But if some of the guys on here get to be 35 or 40 and in the same situation, that does a disservice to themselves, and especially to the women they'd like to date. Women deserve to have good partners too, and well the inexperienced aren't exactly in the "good" category. Might as well give these guys some tips on attraction ("tricks" if you will). Sure, a "mutually beneficial and healthy relationship" is ideal, but at some point you got to take what you can get. Isn't that exactly what we tell people to do when looking for employment?
Author antinko Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 Agreed grkBoy - One of the most inspirational teachers I knew always told the kids 'Be the best you, you can be' and that stuck with me even though I was a colleague.
StringsAndSticks Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Fair enough. But if some of the guys on here get to be 35 or 40 and in the same situation, that does a disservice to themselves, and especially to the women they'd like to date. Women deserve to have good partners too, and well the inexperienced aren't exactly in the "good" category. Might as well give these guys some tips on attraction ("tricks" if you will). Sure, a "mutually beneficial and healthy relationship" is ideal, but at some point you got to take what you can get. Isn't that exactly what we tell people to do when looking for employment? Hey now, some of us are 35, unattractive and inexperienced. LOL
FitChick Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Beliefs determine behavior. If you believe you are not good enough, unworthy, don't deserve to be loved, are a failure, are unlovable, how would you act and react? Experts in the field of transformation and psychology endorse the Lefkoe Method. You may have heard of the successful book series, Chicken Soup For the Soul. Listen to what the author has to say about how he was helped then watch Morty
Cracker Jack Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I agree with this topic. I also feel like there's no real difference between failing or being someone who wants to cocoon themselves. Both are equally as bad; one's just instantaneous while the other is gradual. I guess what it comes down to is some of us (Reluctant guys) need to seriously start taking action in improving our lives now. I feel so good about doing this when I read topics on here....then when I get off, I end up reverting back to my former self, and it sucks. I'm 23, but time flies--so I could seriously see myself looking back yrs later and wishing I took risks instead of being afraid of rejection and many other things. I'm not gonna lie--I'm still scared of it, as much as I hate to admit it. I, however, realize that I have to get over it if I ever want to have a healthy dating life.
Zaphod B Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 These skills can be improved by seeking out opportunities to build social networks. I've mentioned doing volunteer work, joining clubs where you have mutual interests... learn how to be a better friend, and if you have few friends, work on finding more. This is really a key thing, I believe and something I've been working on this year. It's bearing fruit for me too.
goldenboy7115 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Been my problem..I have lived in a cave for the last 4 years. Circumstances and all. Once very confident, but now many barriers exist in my mind. I feel difficulty even talking to a girl anymore. Where I live, mostly retirees, seldom to I get the chance to mingle with the opposite sex around my age It is difficult. Why do we fear rejection so much? Yes/No..just words we give to much meaning to.
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