petal28 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Ok, long story here but i'm really confused and would love some clarity. I'm trying to understand the behaviour of a guy whom i had a r'ship with. We had an emotional r'ship for about 1.5 months. During this time i was conflicted and upset because 1) he was confused and was "mostly" sure that he didn't see a future with me (different stages of our lives) and 2) I felt guilty of being the OW (he was in a long-distance r'ship with a girl with whom he wanted to break up with). So i realised that i couldn't do this anymore and initiated "no contact" and told him that i didn't want to increase my hopes of "us", didnt' want to be "waiting for him" and wanted to "get over him". Anyway, one week after i initiated NC he broke it as he missed me and i got stroppy at him for that. Then a week later after he broke NC, i thought to myself "what the hell, life is too short not to have a good time" and i initiated contact. On the night that i told him that we could re-establish contact , there were a few missed calls between us and when i finally got through to him, he seemed angry and insecure and interrogated me as to why i missed his calls as he thought i was ingoring him. When i told him that i was "over him" and wanted to be friends (two weeks after i said NC), he couldnt understand how i could get over him so quickly but seemed ok with it. Anyway, things were good for about one week and then one night after a really good conversation he told me (after the convo) via sms that he was going to "ignore me". I took this as a joke and texted him that i was sad about this in a joking way. Anyway, he did ingore me for the whole of the next day and night until i sent him an angry text message questioning him as to why he was doing this. This may seem strange but this was unusual behaviour for this guy as he would normally speak to me at least once a day and return my text messages quite quickly. I am still baffled, to this day, as to what made him do this. He "ignored" me" again several weeks later without any warning after we had a conversation where i told him that what he was doing to his g'friend (ie. the emotional r'ship with me) was not an honourable thing for us to do. To me it seemed like he wanted to punish me and make me feel insecure about myself by ingorning and not returning my calls/texts. I just can't understand this behaviour for a guy that seemed so decent. Can anyone please enlighten me as to why someone would behave in such a way?
mzdolphin Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I'm confused. You asked for NC and then want him to text you? Isn't ignoring a person part of NC? When behavior does not match words, someone is trying to manipulate or control the other person. I'm not sure who that is in this case. Could be both.
MissBee Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 (edited) Ok, long story here but i'm really confused and would love some clarity. I'm trying to understand the behaviour of a guy whom i had a r'ship with. We had an emotional r'ship for about 1.5 months. During this time i was conflicted and upset because 1) he was confused and was "mostly" sure that he didn't see a future with me (different stages of our lives) and 2) I felt guilty of being the OW (he was in a long-distance r'ship with a girl with whom he wanted to break up with). So i realised that i couldn't do this anymore and initiated "no contact" and told him that i didn't want to increase my hopes of "us", didnt' want to be "waiting for him" and wanted to "get over him". Anyway, one week after i initiated NC he broke it as he missed me and i got stroppy at him for that. Then a week later after he broke NC, i thought to myself "what the hell, life is too short not to have a good time" and i initiated contact. On the night that i told him that we could re-establish contact , there were a few missed calls between us and when i finally got through to him, he seemed angry and insecure and interrogated me as to why i missed his calls as he thought i was ingoring him. When i told him that i was "over him" and wanted to be friends (two weeks after i said NC), he couldnt understand how i could get over him so quickly but seemed ok with it. Anyway, things were good for about one week and then one night after a really good conversation he told me (after the convo) via sms that he was going to "ignore me". I took this as a joke and texted him that i was sad about this in a joking way. Anyway, he did ingore me for the whole of the next day and night until i sent him an angry text message questioning him as to why he was doing this. This may seem strange but this was unusual behaviour for this guy as he would normally speak to me at least once a day and return my text messages quite quickly. I am still baffled, to this day, as to what made him do this. He "ignored" me" again several weeks later without any warning after we had a conversation where i told him that what he was doing to his g'friend (ie. the emotional r'ship with me) was not an honourable thing for us to do. To me it seemed like he wanted to punish me and make me feel insecure about myself by ingorning and not returning my calls/texts. I just can't understand this behaviour for a guy that seemed so decent. Can anyone please enlighten me as to why someone would behave in such a way? You wanted NC with him, as after your 6 week emotional affair, he wasn't sure about you and your futures together, you should have stuck to that IMO. Now he is doing the same, initiating NC. He may be doing it for smart reasons or vindictive reasons, but the problem isn't him, it's if you're scolding him about your emotional relationship and what it is doing to his gf, why are you still choosing to be so close to him? You say you are "over him" but evidently are not, and I think it would be wise that you go back to your original plan. You both are playing games with each other and I think you both just like attention from the other. You ignore him, then decide to talk back to him, then he is insecure, then he ignores you, then you carry on and then say 'Oh this is wrong we shouldn't", then he ignores you, then you're wondering why he isn't talking to you, although him not talking to you is best for his relationship that you were just concerned about and it's a bit silly. You guys can't be friends right now, and frankly I don't see anything pointing to him being such a great friend you can't lose, so I think you both should leave each other alone and allow any feelings to fizzle out before embarking on a "friendship". Edited September 3, 2011 by MissBee
MissBee Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I'm confused. You asked for NC and then want him to text you? Isn't ignoring a person part of NC? When behavior does not match words, someone is trying to manipulate or control the other person. I'm not sure who that is in this case. Could be both. Precisely the case...
alexandria35 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I agree with the other replies you have received. I don't know what's up with the guy but you are clearly playing a game with him. First you tell him no contact but then when he abided by that you broke no contact. Told him you were over the past and now just want to be friends with him. You lied about this. Do you get angry when your other friends don't talk to you for one whole day and one whole night? I wouldn't even notice if someone ignored me for a day as I often go days, sometimes even weeks without talking to people. When I call or text a friend who is currently unavailable I generally just leave a message and then let them contact me when it's convienent. I don't text them and then spend every minute after that stressing and getting angry over why arent' they getting back to me right now! Thats not a friendship. Secondly you are the one who broke no contact and told him that you wanted to be friends. You lured him back and then had the audacity to tell him that talking to you and being friends with you was dishonorable. WTF??!! I mean I agree with you that he may have dishonorable intentions in having a friendship with you but if you felt that way then why on earth did you pull him back into a "friendship" with you. Can you imagine if I said to you "hey petal..it's all good, I just want to be your friend" and you go "okay" and then a week or so later I say "petal you are a bad dishonorable person for being friends with me" Umm...what the helll kind of game is that? Why did you want to "punish him"? Lastly you were only involved with this guy for about 6 weeks and it sounds like it was nothing but drama. Who has these problems just 6 weeks into a relationship? If you are used to having you're relationships start out being painful and full of drama you might want to look into that. The guy isn't making you happy. He has a long distance girlfriend and until he ends that he has no business forming emotional attachments to other women. Which you seem to understand but for some reason you want to stay attached to him and then berate him because you are choosing to be attached. Let him go and move on already.
Author petal28 Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 You wanted NC with him, as after your 6 week emotional affair, he wasn't sure about you and your futures together, you should have stuck to that IMO. In hindsight, i fully agree. Now he is doing the same, initiating NC. He may be doing it for smart reasons or vindictive reasons, but the problem isn't him, it's if you're scolding him about your emotional relationship and what it is doing to his gf, why are you still choosing to be so close to him? You say you are "over him" but evidently are not, and I think it would be wise that you go back to your original plan. No, i'm not over him. You both are playing games with each other and I think you both just like attention from the other. You ignore him, then decide to talk back to him, then he is insecure, then he ignores you, then you carry on and then say 'Oh this is wrong we shouldn't", then he ignores you, then you're wondering why he isn't talking to you, although him not talking to you is best for his relationship that you were just concerned about and it's a bit silly. You guys can't be friends right now, and frankly I don't see anything pointing to him being such a great friend you can't lose, so I think you both should leave each other alone and allow any feelings to fizzle out before embarking on a "friendship". Thank you to ALL that have replied to my thread. Seeing it from another perspective has been really eye-opening. So maybe i had unintentionally ommitted a few important details....after i had initiated contact myself and then a few weeks later when i told him that us having an emotional relationship was dishonourable, he justified it in his own way and said that was "it was fine for us to be talking". He denied that we were doing anything wrong and were just friends even though saw me/treated me as something more than a friend. Based on his response we continued talking at least once a day for a couple of days more and then he went silent on me (this was after six weeks of talking to me at least once a day). When i called him to inquire about his silent treatment, he didn't return my calls or reply to my texts. When i saw him in person to ask what was wrong, he said that he had been busy. My thinking was that he maybe realised what he was doing to his gf was dishonourable and was angry at me for pointing this out and decided to "punish me" for it. Do you think this was the case?
Author petal28 Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) I agree with the other replies you have received. I don't know what's up with the guy but you are clearly playing a game with him. First you tell him no contact but then when he abided by that you broke no contact. Told him you were over the past and now just want to be friends with him. You lied about this. Do you get angry when your other friends don't talk to you for one whole day and one whole night? I wouldn't even notice if someone ignored me for a day as I often go days, sometimes even weeks without talking to people. When I call or text a friend who is currently unavailable I generally just leave a message and then let them contact me when it's convienent. I don't text them and then spend every minute after that stressing and getting angry over why arent' they getting back to me right now! Thats not a friendship. Alexandria, i don't play games intentionally. I thought i was over him but clearly wasn't. So i didn't lie about it but just thought that i was ready to be friends. No, i normally wouldnt get angry at a friend for not returning a phone call. The thing is, i had been speaking to him at least once a day for six weeks. Both he and i knew that it was weird for him not to call me on that one day. He justified it by saying he was busy when i knew he wasn't that busy that he couldn't even send me a text message saying something like "hey i got your missed call, been busy so will text you later". That's why i feel like he wanted to punish me by not replying back to my texts/calling me back. Secondly you are the one who broke no contact and told him that you wanted to be friends. You lured him back and then had the audacity to tell him that talking to you and being friends with you was dishonorable. WTF??!! I mean I agree with you that he may have dishonorable intentions in having a friendship with you but if you felt that way then why on earth did you pull him back into a "friendship" with you. Can you imagine if I said to you "hey petal..it's all good, I just want to be your friend" and you go "okay" and then a week or so later I say "petal you are a bad dishonorable person for being friends with me" Umm...what the helll kind of game is that? Why did you want to "punish him"? I had been guilt-ridden for a long time and it took me awhile to let him know that us having an emotional r'ship was dishonourable. First when i initiated NC, i justifed it by saying that since we didn't have a future together then there was no point in us having an emotional r'ship but then i was guilty for a long time and then only a few weeks later did i come out and say that it wasn't fair to his GF. Thank you for your perspective though as I didn't see it from that point of view. Just for the record, I'm not a "intentioanl game-player" at all. Lastly you were only involved with this guy for about 6 weeks and it sounds like it was nothing but drama. Who has these problems just 6 weeks into a relationship? If you are used to having you're relationships start out being painful and full of drama you might want to look into that. The guy isn't making you happy. He has a long distance girlfriend and until he ends that he has no business forming emotional attachments to other women. Which you seem to understand but for some reason you want to stay attached to him and then berate him because you are choosing to be attached. Let him go and move on already. I think he is emotioanally imature to realise that an emotional r'ship is not honourable even if your r'ship with your GF is on the rocks. I grasp this however i tried to be friends with him but realised after a while that it wouldnt work. Edited September 4, 2011 by petal28
fooled once Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Petal, I am confused. Are you sure there was even an emotional relationship? I mean, just because you talked daily for 6 weeks doesn't equal a relationship. I talk to my boss every day - including weekends, but that doesn't mean we are having an emotional relationship. I think you wanted more than friends with him and when he wasn't feeling the same, you got upset. I could be way off, but that is what I interpreted from Your post. My advice would be to let go of him and stop trying to be friends with him. It doesn't sound like he is intrerested and you want more than he does.
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