School functions with OM... should i attend?

[BrettLost]

Each new week that passes, I am thrown new situations to deal with as an outsider looking in on the family i built for 8 years....

 

Some of you on here are much further along in living this way and are becoming quite skilled at negotiating the social trappings, ways to get through them or preferrably avoid them.

 

My eldest daughter has a school fete. Stbxw and OM and MIL are taking her and my younger daughter to it. (I happened to find out from eldest... as if anyone else would mention it to me..!)

 

NOW- Should i attend for my daughters sake, but potentially create awkward moment after awkward moment....?

OR- Attend, and pretend to be sweet with it all (not liking that option, im not one to hide how i feel)

OR- Let them go as a "NEW" family just to keep peace.

 

I have'nt talked to OM at all in about a month.

I have'nt talked to MIL in about 3 months.

 

PS. I find it extremely disturbing and disrespectful that all 3 of them can just kick on with it, like i was'nt a part of her becoming who she is. Like Im a biological dad and thats it, not someone who worked, provided, loved and promised to love her forever.

Id be disgracefully ashamed of myself, to put another through this.

[JaneDoe35]

It was my ex-husband's decision to leave. But he still takes priority over my new boyfriend when it comes to my child's school functions.

 

If my ex-husband cannot make it to a function - then my boyfriend comes along.

 

There have been times where they have both attended but only as this has been discussed and agreed on.

 

I believe you should attend as her father. But only if it isn't too traumatic for you. You may need to wait until you are stronger.

 

Really sad that you are going through such pain. Be there for your children even when it is difficult. Your time for happiness will come...

[jaymz]

My stbxw has deliberately not told me about school functions and taken scumbag instead, which i would only find out about afterwards. She truly does not care about my or the kids feelings on this and will only say that "as scumbag is now providing for my family he is coming to these things so get used to it", i wonder if she will have different thoughts when i start taking the kids to things with a girlfriend....

 

I guess it really depends on your stbxw and how she wants to do things, if the OM is going to be included in everything then its something that you are going to have to get used to if you want to see your kids at these functions.

 

I am not looking forward to things like sports day and parents evenings where i have to sit there with those two....

[BrettLost]

Jane,

 

U are right, could just be a case of too soon for me to swallow it still..

I still do whatever it takes for my children, but sometimes this leans in the exs favour. I think if i was in her shoes, id never invite my new gf to family stuff with her until it was pretty serious.....OM does live with them most nights though...so betrayed.

 

Jaymz,

 

Does OM now u call him scumbag!! (love it), mate u and a few others really have the same stuff goin on to a tee. Identical.

When i had my kids i could never have imagined any other woman other than their mother being around them as a parent. Still cant. Yet she feels quite content to have him play that role. It sickens me.

Like u mentioned- as if they wish OM to slip into the family unnoticed by u. Not telling u about doings in YOUR childs life is a serious form of neglect i think. Makes u wonder about how they were raised as kids and the morals and values (if any) that were established in that time.

[jaymz]

Jane,

 

U are right, could just be a case of too soon for me to swallow it still..

I still do whatever it takes for my children, but sometimes this leans in the exs favour. I think if i was in her shoes, id never invite my new gf to family stuff with her until it was pretty serious.....OM does live with them most nights though...so betrayed.

 

I would too but we posses empathy and have consideration, our stbxw's dont. My stbxw introduced the boys to scumbag within weeks of us separating, she was already taking my daughter to meet him before i knew about the affair and moved in together within 3 months. Despite everyone telling her its a bad idea as she needs to give the kids time to adjust, she just said "its unfair for scumbag to live with his mother for 6 months"...

 

Jaymz,

 

Does OM now u call him scumbag!! (love it), mate u and a few others really have the same stuff goin on to a tee. Identical.

When i had my kids i could never have imagined any other woman other than their mother being around them as a parent. Still cant. Yet she feels quite content to have him play that role. It sickens me.

Like u mentioned- as if they wish OM to slip into the family unnoticed by u. Not telling u about doings in YOUR childs life is a serious form of neglect i think. Makes u wonder about how they were raised as kids and the morals and values (if any) that were established in that time.

 

I used to call him scumbag to the stbxw, so i guess he does know. When i talk about him now to the stbxw I call him "BP", which she doesn't know what it stands for and it winds her up. With the kids, I don't mention him at all and change the subject when he comes up.

Its been said before on the boards that there seems to be a cheaters handbook that is followed which results in many of us being in the same boat with the same sad story to tell.

I feel the same. I would wait until my g/f and I were serious before introducing her to the kids. At the moment my kids are afraid that I will get a girlfriend so I assure them I'm not going to for a long time - there is alot of truth in that, I'm not ready yet. The flip side is I don't want to replace their mother, I think it is very selfish thing to do. She is already getting the kids to call him "step dad" rather than his name.

For me that is the hardest part, how I was replaced so quickly by her and her family. I remember her telling me I was taken off the family holiday in October and him out on it already, this is like a few days after I found out about the affair and was in complete shock still but she was already planning ahead and eliminating me from her life.

I've had a lot of time to think about things, esp now we live apart and I dont have that pressure any more. Talking to my family, friends, old friends that drifted away, they all had problems with her and her parents. All said the same things about them being selfish, matyrs, no empathy, no real morals, "do as i say" attitude, owed everything, dont live in the real world etc... As I was so close I never saw it

[BrettLost]

Jaymz,

 

What u said last stood out. Was it the fact we were IN the relationship that we were blind to her actual bad traits as a human being....?

 

My eldest daughter wants me to find a gf to be happy, but doesnt because she said then she wont see me anymore and do things together. Thats real harsh stuff for little kids to even have to discuss/know.

 

My girls often talk of good times with OM also (better than bad times i guess), and i also get the topic changed VERY quickly. My eldest is even onto it now n avoids mentioning him.

 

It shocks me how clear they can be with understanding it all. When i was tearin up one day she told me straight up, "It's cool daddy, when u get a new gf maybe mum will miss u and cry about what she's done".

 

Kids, children, your blood.. seem to not have the importance they once used to (at least to some people). I hate they are thrown around like posessions, ur house, my house, goin with ur mum, comin to our house..... are u free next week so u can have them, i have 'this' planned with OM...

 

The one that gets me is MIL and others say "They're kids, they're fine, they adapt easily to this, etc etc". BULL*****. I guarantee myself everyday they'l never forget this and will later will process it and resent it.

 

To push us out of our own kids existance, makes it only that much harder for us NOT to be regarded as a 'never there' dad from our kids as they age. The fear of that kills me.

[jaymz]

I know what your saying.

 

My kids are 8/6/3, the youngest being the girl. While they seem to have accepted what has happened and are living it I don't know at times they are coping with it. They can be very clingy with me, constantly seek assurances, get very upset if i tell them off over something, it can be really hard with them.

 

The stbxw and MIL chant "the kids must come first" but never have done, so i know where your coming from. The actions of my stbxw show that just did not care about them that much, while we were living together she would be out all the time with scumbag, so much so that the kids would be crying and begging her not to go, but she went every single time.

 

At some points the kids were on my side and telling her that she was a "loser", of course she blamed me for it, but the kids were copying her favourite phrase and trying to tell her they were not happy. she just does not care.

 

Now the stbxw and MIL are just spoiling the kids. Every week they get new clothes and toys. The stbxw will call the kids when I have them and tell them they have a surprise when they get home, the kids then just want to go home and get the surprise, totally out of order.

 

I have been pushed out of their daily lives, I hate it so much but I try to be involved in their weekly lives, I call them every other evening to find out how they are, when I have them they get 100% of my attention and time. We go out and do things together as a family, often not costing anything as I am skint, but things like park/beach/woods/family homes etc don't cost anything and the kids have a really great time. When i take them on trips to museums etc, i take photos and then give it to them to put in a "memory album". I have also given them each a photo of me they can keep by their beds so they can kiss me and say goodnight every night.

 

I have no idea how they will grow up. I try and teach them values and manners but its difficult as I am constantly undermined by the stbxw and scumbag. The kids lose their manners, they speak poorly, stop sharing, start demanding things when i first get them but after an evening they stop all that. Its important to me that my kids do learn values/morals/right & wrong/speak correctly etc, so I will carry on doing it. I will not be the lazy parent, I will be the best parent I can for them and ensure they grow up to be as well adjusted as I can.

 

My biggest fear is being excluded from things in their lives and with my daughter its her asking scumbag to give her away at her wedding, that would kill me.

[gladiator]

constantly seek reassurances

 

My 7yr old constantly asked the time,worried he would be late for school.

I also got the standard b.s "oh he's fine" crap

 

while we were living together she would be out all the time

 

My kids even asked her if she could spend time with them! Then soon after she left 2nd time around she said "i'm concentrating on the kids now"!

 

SELFISH.

[andyg99]

A couple of you here have said you didn't find out about the school functions... what is stopping you from contacting the school or the teacher and let them know that you want to be informed of functions... most schools have this stuff on-line.

 

As far as being there when the OM is there if it's early on in the process and it's still too weird ask your ex if they can wait a while before they include someone else, if they can't be reasoned with then come to terms with it ASAP. That other guy/gal may be in theirs and your kids life for a long time, you should NOT be missing their school functions. They are only young once!!!!!

[jaymz]

A couple of you here have said you didn't find out about the school functions... what is stopping you from contacting the school or the teacher and let them know that you want to be informed of functions... most schools have this stuff on-line.

 

I have contacted the school and now am on their email mailing list. To be honest the stbxw dealt with that side and I would take time off work accordingly. Once I found out about the affair and the subsequent events, it wasn't on my mind to have the school send ME the details in future, that's why i missed some school functions. Lesson learnt, wont happen again.

 

As far as being there when the OM is there if it's early on in the process and it's still too weird ask your ex if they can wait a while before they include someone else, if they can't be reasoned with then come to terms with it ASAP. That other guy/gal may be in theirs and your kids life for a long time, you should NOT be missing their school functions. They are only young once!!!!!

 

I asked the stbxw but she just didn't not care at all and wanted scumbag involved in everything. Its the end of the school holidays in the UK and my kids go back next week, so I will soon find out about whether I am strong enough to go to these events on my own.

[jaymz]

First of all, what type of "school function" is it? Is it something that's important, or is it some type of assembly? I would probably attend but there's no way in Hell I would sit by those three idiots. No way in Hell would I be talking to that punk either. God I know you're in pain. I feel sorry for you, brother.

 

Its hard to contemplate doing. I have seen some advice on here that suggests sitting together as the kids expect it, it will be normal for them and they don't have to scan the crowd twice trying to find you.

 

I don't know if I have the strength for that yet, esp as I will be going on my own. But once i feel less about the whole situation then I guess the easier it will be. TBH, cant wait to come to one with a stunning blonde on my arm...

[BrettLost]

Nuthin serious, just a fete.

 

I think I'l let this one slide and they can go enjoy it without me. Any "major" performing type deals, or awards nights etc I would attend without hesitation.

 

P&T meetings I hope OM will be excluded entirely....

 

See the thing is, I'm not sure if it's a serious thing they have goin on. Not sure if they do either. But to establish him into my family's life and it crumble, to be only repaced by potentially another "step-dad", is not a very stable environment. Then again it could go good forever......?

 

What i hate about step-parents, is that they can decide to leave it behind with no future obligation if they so choose. Not saying all do, but there is no tie to that responsibility cause theyre not ur kids.

[marqueemoon4]

Its hard to contemplate doing. I have seen some advice on here that suggests sitting together as the kids expect it, it will be normal for them and they don't have to scan the crowd twice trying to find you.

 

I don't know if I have the strength for that yet, esp as I will be going on my own. But once i feel less about the whole situation then I guess the easier it will be. TBH, cant wait to come to one with a stunning blonde on my arm...

 

See, thats the thing.. the other shoe hasn't dropped yet. Our exes think they have someone so much better and their lives are so wonderful. They haven't had to deal with seeing their children around another woman WE think are better than them. Right now its easy, their exes are in ruins, their ego is at an all time high, and things are great. It won't always be this way.

[BrettLost]

MM4,

 

U are spot on mate!! And wont it be a sweet day when karma comes back around.

 

Like u mentioned before, a tall, leggy blonde coming shopping with u and the kids. Not for her and OM to see, just for her to 'get word' of it would be more than enough.

 

U gotta think that by waiting til the cards fall in place on their own, as opposed to picking up a girl 'just to have someone', will lay foundation for a much healthier new start.

I believe our stbxw's just jumped at whatever was "seemingly better" at the time and will stubbornly stick with it to prove to u that it was a smart and beneficial choice.

 

Our time will come. Patience will prevail.

[itllgetbetter]

BrettLost & marqueemoon4: I heard on the marriagebuilders site that 95% of affairs end within 2 years, so, it might not be too long a wait.

[whichwayisup]

Each new week that passes, I am thrown new situations to deal with as an outsider looking in on the family i built for 8 years....

 

Some of you on here are much further along in living this way and are becoming quite skilled at negotiating the social trappings, ways to get through them or preferrably avoid them.

 

My eldest daughter has a school fete. Stbxw and OM and MIL are taking her and my younger daughter to it. (I happened to find out from eldest... as if anyone else would mention it to me..!)

 

NOW- Should i attend for my daughters sake, but potentially create awkward moment after awkward moment....?

OR- Attend, and pretend to be sweet with it all (not liking that option, im not one to hide how i feel)

OR- Let them go as a "NEW" family just to keep peace.

 

I have'nt talked to OM at all in about a month.

I have'nt talked to MIL in about 3 months.

 

PS. I find it extremely disturbing and disrespectful that all 3 of them can just kick on with it, like i was'nt a part of her becoming who she is. Like Im a biological dad and thats it, not someone who worked, provided, loved and promised to love her forever.

Id be disgracefully ashamed of myself, to put another through this.

 

It's YOUR daughter. YOU GO. She is your life, your priority now!! Don't ever forget that! The OM is NOT her blood father, YOU ARE!

 

If you feel uncomfortable, suck it up and don't show them how you feel. Let them feel awkward. Again, you be there for your kid, she needs you and needs to see that you love her and are putting her first, reguardless of your ex and her new boyfriend. As for you MIL, hopefully she can see things for what they are and put her granddaughters feelings first and not be rude to you. If she is, ignore her..And the others too if they get pissy with you.

[BrettLost]

It's cool really.

 

I do agree that missing one "event", will be overshadowed by the prime time i share with them on weekends. All about dad then.

Im not someone to pretend, or hide my feelings. If I attend and became uncomfortable, daughters or not, id just up n leave. It is so frustrating cause I DO want to be there for her, but an uncomfy vibe could be remembered by them MORE than me actually attending.

 

I don't want my daughters to EVER feel I'm cool or was ever cool with what mum has decided to do. They hate it too, it is what it is.

 

From what i gather, their time with mum is limited anyway cause OM takes attention away, so for her, taking her kids SOMEWHERE is a good thing. Whether it's with OM or not.

 

Just confused mainly about the "new family" image, them going to such a function will present to my daughters.

 

As for the marriagebuilders statistic- whether accurate or not, to know its chance of failure is high, isnt reassuring, its just desserts. I could never allow her back. To deep of damage has been done.

 

The word of the year for me is SMOOTH. Whatever it takes, to go, to not go. To pay or to sacrifice personal time. If it makes things smooth, I try. Having said that, there is thick line of pride and principle which is firmly established now, she knows not to push against it.

[worldgonewrong]

Brettlost- just got your PM after a dry spell of not logging on here. Sorry for the delay.

Feel free to reply back!

[yessy21]

In my opinion i think u should go. Not speak to them but to your children. u r the most important man in theyre life. Thats all that matters and make sure that u tell ur youngest that u want to be apart of all her important events. just incase they tell her not to tell u... u r, like i said, the most Important man in theyre lives.

[BrettLost]

Well, it is on right now and Im here at computer. Self explanitory.

 

I asked if OM stayed home, I'd go with her. She said no. I said I'd be extremely uncomfortable and not socialable in the least, she did'nt care he was goin.

 

When I said if thats the case I am not- she blasted me with all sorts of slack father bs.

 

The vibe i got was she expected me to go, see them as a couple for my kids and squirm. I've said before I cant hide my feelings, I'd go off, call them all out in front of everyone and i wouldnt care. For this reason I did not go. Why should i have to endure personal pain like that and be expected to happily swallow it. I wont, ever.

 

My mum is there with them.

 

Why do these stbxw's want u to be 'happy' for them. I hate this *****. If it was for the kids, OM would stay home, no dramas. I can accept what it is, but i wont happily eat spoonful after spoonful of it.