Zaphod B Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 You care too much! I have heard this on the forums here. I think it's one person that's been saying it a lot recently, but it has certainly stuck in my head and I know that this person is right. I need to stop caring so much when a woman rejects me and so do a lot of other people on this site. The fact is I do care too much. I know it and I recognise it as a big problem for me. When it comes to pursuing women it bothers the crap out of me if I screw up or if I date someone then they ignore my communications or tell me they're not interested in seeing me again. I forever try to analyse where I went wrong and I beat myself up. I have a lot of melencholy in my personality, which makes up part of who I am and thus makes it difficult to resist not caring. I can't just change that, especially not by just making a decision not to care. It takes conditioning of the mind. But just to say "You care too much" or "Quit caring whether you succeed or not" or "it doesn't matter, just move onto the next", doesn't help. What methods can I use? What can I do to stop caring? How can I condition myself not to care?
thatone Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 you can change, not the tendency, but the result. spend more time on other aspects of your contact with women. consciously try to steer conversation a certain way, consciously try to observe everything a woman says and does to figure out what makes her tick. things like that, then evaluate your results. the end of this is multiple positives... a) women will see you as more perceptive and confident b) you will have less time to obsess over said women because you're too busy applying your game c) you will see red flags earlier, and thus get less attached to poor prospects
Author Zaphod B Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 What do you mean by other aspects? I'll talk about anything and will always try to get them talking so that I don't have to.
Imageiko Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Try to be less results oriented. My brain works similarly to yours and I am a bit of a perfectionist so I'm always looking for ways to improve and where I went wrong. Instead of getting down by the result think about the process and your actions. When you analyse the process you'll see that a lot of times you did everything right or you made a mistake or 2. Learn from the mistakes and use that as a positive instead of beating yourself up for a bad result that sometimes isn't even your fault anyway.
thatone Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Try to be less results oriented. My brain works similarly to yours and I am a bit of a perfectionist so I'm always looking for ways to improve and where I went wrong. Instead of getting down by the result think about the process and your actions. When you analyse the process you'll see that a lot of times you did everything right or you made a mistake or 2. Learn from the mistakes and use that as a positive instead of beating yourself up for a bad result that sometimes isn't even your fault anyway. yeah, that. if you could hear why women rejected you, you would probably struggle to control your laughter with the crazy responses you would get anyway.
Elysian Powder Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) You care too much! I have heard this on the forums here. I think it's one person that's been saying it a lot recently, but it has certainly stuck in my head and I know that this person is right. I need to stop caring so much when a woman rejects me and so do a lot of other people on this site. The fact is I do care too much. I know it and I recognise it as a big problem for me. When it comes to pursuing women it bothers the crap out of me if I screw up or if I date someone then they ignore my communications or tell me they're not interested in seeing me again. I forever try to analyse where I went wrong and I beat myself up. I have a lot of melencholy in my personality, which makes up part of who I am and thus makes it difficult to resist not caring. I can't just change that, especially not by just making a decision not to care. It takes conditioning of the mind. But just to say "You care too much" or "Quit caring whether you succeed or not" or "it doesn't matter, just move onto the next", doesn't help. What methods can I use? What can I do to stop caring? How can I condition myself not to care? If you take into consideration the fact that no woman is special, that regardless of how good-looking/intelligent/creative a woman is there's always a guy out there tired of her and that any woman will dump you as soon as the bigger, better deal comes along... You'll see women for what they are. Momentary providers of pleasure. But thread careful. Any investment in a woman can lead to child-support/alimony and the list of negative consequences created by caring about women increases a thousand times. Too many men have had their lives ruined by commitment and emotions. Run away from those 2 black widow traps as fast as you can, bro. Edited September 4, 2011 by Elysian Powder
dispatch3d Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 It's not a big deal. Don't be so hard on yourself. I care too much I need to chill out. I guess all those work? The first two are mine but aren't at the same time. Self-assurance, work on it bitches ;-)
carhill Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) Where would you say your primary emotional attachments occur? Now, consider the attachment pattern for a typical woman. Learn from it. Think of it as eggs and baskets. It's easier (less painful) when one has fewer eggs in a multitude of baskets rather than all eggs in one basket when one basket goes away. In real life, this could translate to having strong and loving friendships, close family ties, activities one is passionate about, etc., etc., providing many 'baskets' one is emotionally invested in, with a woman being potentially but one of those baskets. Drop a few eggs in her basket; if she breaks them and tosses the basket in the dirt, it's just a few eggs in one basket. ETA, if you recognize you 'care too much', learn to be more selfish and self-involved. Live more within yourself instead of outside. Again, watch what women do. It's really instructive Edited September 4, 2011 by carhill
grkBoy Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 What can I do to stop caring? How can I condition myself not to care? Walk into dating and such with no expectations. That way you don't get disappointed. I used to work so hard to make everything happen that it drove women away. The usual story of how "I'm too nice" and then these women chase jerks. So I finally decided to stop having hopes and expectations...just go out and have fun and not worry to death if she likes me or not. Surprisingly, things changed...probably because I came off as more laid-back and relaxed. So stop worrying if she likes you or if you said the right thing or did the right thing. Just go, have fun, enjoy the night out, and let things happen. If it means 100 women reject you, then you might want to ask if those 100 women were even right for you.
joeyanna Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I'm a girl in a similar situation and most of the above is fantastic advice and all things I've started doing for myself. I've been investing in me, making myself happy, pursuing other interests, contacting old friends and trying to kick start my social life other than concentrating on 'dating' and I think I'm going to be more open to invitations, I've been quite selective in who I date, and I'm in no way saying that I'm going to settle but I am keeping an open mind and going to start accepting invitations from more guys, at the very least, I'll hopefully have a nice time, maybe make some new friends and you never know, I might meet someone I want to develop something with but if not then I'm okay with that too. Thanks guys x
somedude81 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Walk into dating and such with no expectations. That's kind of hard when you want something. I want a girlfriend more than anything in the entire world. It's impossible not to care when things happen. Also I have a history of failure with women so when something bad happens, I automatically see it as a reflection upon myself. If 50 women reject you, it's not them, it's you.
dispatch3d Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 That's easy for me cause I'm awesome. I will get the best girlfriend in the entire world. Sometimes things happen and thats okay. Also I have a history of failure with women so when something bad happens, I automatically see it as a reflection upon myself. If 50 women reject you, its time to find 50 more women. There fixed it that for ya somedude.
threebyfate Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 This site is so polarized when it comes to gender interactions. Instead of looking at dating as win/lose where there's an enemy if they reject you, look at it as compatibility. If you're not compatible whether either person has issues, then its best that it didn't move forward into a project-style relationship.
Yamaha Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 if I date someone then they ignore my communications or tell me they're not interested in seeing me again. I forever try to analyze where I went wrong and I beat myself up. Do you really care about them or is it more about you? If you haven't dated them much and get rejected how much emotion did you invest? I think you analyze where you went wrong not b/c you care about them but you care about what you can get from them. Maybe you should go for a FWB arrangement. Honesty about your interests might improve your chances.
somedude81 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 This site is so polarized when it comes to gender interactions. Instead of looking at dating as win/lose where there's an enemy if they reject you, look at it as compatibility. Dating is a battle, it's men vs women. Men basically have to overcome women to get the prize.
threebyfate Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Dating is a battle, it's men vs women. Men basically have to overcome women to get the prize.How's this attitude worked for you so far?
somedude81 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 It will start working better once I get better weapons. I know for a fact that no girl will go out with me, without massive effort on my part. Some guys can kick back and the girls will come to them. That's never worked for me.
threebyfate Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 It will start working better once I get better weapons. I know for a fact that no girl will go out with me, without massive effort on my part. Some guys can kick back and the girls will come to them. That's never worked for me.So you have the attitude that gender interactions is a battle and haven't had any success with that attitude. Instead of looking to the underlying reason of personal attitude which might be turning off girls, you're looking for more manipulative weapons? It's like you're on a leaky boat and instead of plugging the hole, you continue bailing out water so you don't drown.
Nexus One Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Dating is a battle, it's men vs women. Men basically have to overcome women to get the prize. When you look at it in that way, then it's already a lost "battle".
somedude81 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 So you have the attitude that gender interactions is a battle and haven't had any success with that attitude. Instead of looking to the underlying reason of personal attitude which might be turning off girls, you're looking for more manipulative weapons? It's like you're on a leaky boat and instead of plugging the hole, you continue bailing out water so you don't drown. Nope, it's impossible that my attitude that dating being a battle would turn off girls. Simply because, how could they possibly get that impression from me? And no, I don't have a clue how to be manipulative. Maybe that's one reason why I've always done so poorly. But that wasn't what I was talking about. When you look at it in that way, then it's already a lost "battle". Uh, I'll answer that with I know for a fact that no girl will go out with me, without massive effort on my part. Some guys can kick back and the girls will come to them. That's never worked for me. In other words, I've never had a chance from the start. I need to figure out how to give me a fighting chance.
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