Dating a rebounder

[bluenightowl]

Let's say you have been dating a rebounder or someone out of LTR. They were basically devastated but now after 3 months claim they are fine. You are skeptical but decide to date them in any case. Also keep in mind you are someone who is not into casual sex.

 

Things are moving along well, but things get intimate on date #4 and she is initiating mostly the sexual interaction and before the date implying lots of sexual innuendo.

 

You have not agreed to be dating only each other at this point. As well you know she is dating other people.

 

So she starts being very sexual with you. You decide to stop her and talk about it. She then says she has no idea what she wants at this point and wants to get to know you better (yet wants sex). Would you:

 

1) Keep dating her knowing she is dating other guys, and while you put the break on sex, someone else might not. She's clearly on the rebound and looking for sex, and possibly a relationship. All her friends are telling her to date lots of men as well.

 

2) Tell her this isn't right for you, and keep dating other people.

 

3) Tell her - lets take a break from dating at the moment and let her sort things out with herself, her new single life, and her ex a bit more. Perhaps even suggest to be friends in the future but not now.

 

4) Although I've basically ruled this one out now is to just have sex and talk about it afterwards.

[ScienceGal]

5) Consider that she might be making advances because it's what she thinks you want or thinks it what she "should do"... so tell her you like dating her but do not want to rush things physically because you'd like a real shot at things working out between you two.

 

I can only speak from my point of view, but that's what I would want to hear. I'd feel respected and still know that you are interested. And let's face it, if you put yourself out there like that then you are a really decent guy. If she runs off to screw someone else, then you're better off.

[ThsAmericanLife]

#3, by process of elimination. You don't have to suggest to be friends if you think you might want to date her later though. You can simply tell her that it doesn't seem like your timing/goals are in line, but would like to touch base in 6 months or a year after things have settled down a bit. (kinda like those job opportunities that seem a little fuzzy/flaky, but you don't want to eliminate altogether). During this period, I'd suggest only occasional emails/phone calls. No meetings or anything that would reel you in emotionally/sexually.

 

... and I'll tell you why I eliminated the other options

 

#1) knowing how you feel about this... I'd argue that if you agree to have sex with her, it is because of fear. Fear of losing her, fear of being less than a man, fear of being alone.. fear of something. Starting a relationship based on fear does not promote intimacy. What other men may or may not decide to do in your shoes should not affect YOUR values/morals/decisions.

 

#2) I agree with the part of telling her it isn't right with you, and dating other people, but am not clear if you intend to date her as well (?)... so have ruled this out. I'm assuming you aren't a multi-dater.

 

#4) Ok. I agree that having sex, then talking about it afterwards is not a good start most of the time.

[ThsAmericanLife]

5) Consider that she might be making advances because it's what she thinks you want or thinks it what she "should do"... so tell her you like dating her but do not want to rush things physically because you'd like a real shot at things working out between you two.

 

I can only speak from my point of view, but that's what I would want to hear. I'd feel respected and still know that you are interested. And let's face it, if you put yourself out there like that then you are a really decent guy. If she runs off to screw someone else, then you're better off.

 

good point.

[bluenightowl]

5) Consider that she might be making advances because it's what she thinks you want or thinks it what she "should do"... so tell her you like dating her but do not want to rush things physically because you'd like a real shot at things working out between you two.

 

I can only speak from my point of view, but that's what I would want to hear. I'd feel respected and still know that you are interested. And let's face it, if you put yourself out there like that then you are a really decent guy. If she runs off to screw someone else, then you're better off.

 

I never ever thought of this. What a great line - "so tell her you like dating her but do not want to rush things physically because you'd like a real shot at things working out between you two"

 

The only issue with option 5) versus 3) is I do wonder when people are in this situation if its better to take a break rather than try dating.

 

It might be that she needs to get out there and screw a few people to feel better about herself. I hear it all the time on both sides, so hanging around under those conditions might result in feeling disappointed, whereas taking a 3-6-9 month break but keeping in touch, doesn't really matter what she is doing, and instead develop a slow bond. Of course I would date other people during that time.

Just a thought, but I think your line is great.

 

#5 also does bring up the nice guy syndrome a bit, but I'm starting to believe nice guy syndrome is more about being a door mat, not about refraining from sex. Perhaps some woman might respect a guy more if they get turned down for sex and he is simply asserting what he wants out of a LTR and what his boundaries are.

[veggirl]

#6. I wouldn't waste my time on someone rebounding! Bad idea. You'll get her over the ex and she'll be with the guy after you.

[bluenightowl]

#6. I wouldn't waste my time on someone rebounding! Bad idea. You'll get her over the ex and she'll be with the guy after you.

 

Yes, perhaps another reason to take a break rather than date them. This is why I suggested friends as a possibility later on. I see all the time about people who shouldn't be friends with an ex or someone you have dated, but its never been a big deal for me once the feelings are done.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I never ever thought of this. What a great line - "so tell her you like dating her but do not want to rush things physically because you'd like a real shot at things working out between you two"

 

The only issue with option 5) versus 3) is I do wonder when people are in this situation if its better to take a break rather than try dating.

 

It might be that she needs to get out there and screw a few people to feel better about herself. I hear it all the time on both sides, so hanging around under those conditions might result in feeling disappointed, whereas taking a 3-6-9 month break but keeping in touch, doesn't really matter what she is doing, and instead develop a slow bond. Of course I would date other people during that time.

Just a thought, but I think your line is great.

 

#5 also does bring up the nice guy syndrome a bit, but I'm starting to believe nice guy syndrome is more about being a door mat, not about refraining from sex. Perhaps some woman might respect a guy more if they get turned down for sex and he is simply asserting what he wants out of a LTR and what his boundaries are.

 

A very good friend of mine's current husband did #5. She wanted sex early, and he said absolutely not. He refused to date her until she agreed to date ONLY him. I think they 'dated' unofficially for about 3-4 months while she did her thing.

 

Not sure what he did while she was going through that process, but it must have worked. They have been married for 12 years now

[bluenightowl]

A very good friend of mine's current husband did #5. She wanted sex early, and he said absolutely not. He refused to date her until she agreed to date ONLY him. I think they 'dated' unofficially for about 3-4 months while she did her thing.

 

Not sure what he did while she was going through that process, but it must have worked. They have been married for 12 years now

 

Wow. Good for them. I think an man (or woman) who clearly states their boundaries is attractive. It won't always work out, but I think being decisive is a very good quality.

 

I'm curious though, how does one stand up to ones values, not agree to date and then unofficially date?

[grkBoy]

Let's say you have been dating a rebounder or someone out of LTR. They were basically devastated but now after 3 months claim they are fine. You are skeptical but decide to date them in any case. Also keep in mind you are someone who is not into casual sex.

 

Things are moving along well, but things get intimate on date #4 and she is initiating mostly the sexual interaction and before the date implying lots of sexual innuendo.

 

You have not agreed to be dating only each other at this point. As well you know she is dating other people.

 

So she starts being very sexual with you. You decide to stop her and talk about it. She then says she has no idea what she wants at this point and wants to get to know you better (yet wants sex). Would you:

 

1) Keep dating her knowing she is dating other guys, and while you put the break on sex, someone else might not. She's clearly on the rebound and looking for sex, and possibly a relationship. All her friends are telling her to date lots of men as well.

 

2) Tell her this isn't right for you, and keep dating other people.

 

3) Tell her - lets take a break from dating at the moment and let her sort things out with herself, her new single life, and her ex a bit more. Perhaps even suggest to be friends in the future but not now.

 

4) Although I've basically ruled this one out now is to just have sex and talk about it afterwards.

 

I think you're so worried about being a rebound that you're not inhibiting the RL from happening.

 

You know, if she wanted sex on dates 1 or 2 or even skip dating and go to bed, then I'd say to worry.

 

This is date #4...many will go all the way on date #3. Stop worrying and go all the way. If she ends up having issues a month later, then you know it's not meant to be. Stop worrying about getting hurt so much and let things be natural. You're being all guarded right now and that will mess things up worse than any "rebound" stuff.

[bluenightowl]

I think you're so worried about being a rebound that you're not inhibiting the RL from happening.

 

You know, if she wanted sex on dates 1 or 2 or even skip dating and go to bed, then I'd say to worry.

 

This is date #4...many will go all the way on date #3. Stop worrying and go all the way. If she ends up having issues a month later, then you know it's not meant to be. Stop worrying about getting hurt so much and let things be natural. You're being all guarded right now and that will mess things up worse than any "rebound" stuff.

 

I get you. So your vote for 4) Just have sex and talk about it later. I think if you don't care, it doesn't matter what path you take, but I'm moving towards restraint when seeking a LTR and communicating ones boundaries upfront . I feel this might be a better strategy for having a LTR. It's not just about getting hurt or not.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Wow. Good for them. I think an man (or woman) who clearly states their boundaries is attractive. It won't always work out, but I think being decisive is a very good quality.

 

I'm curious though, how does one stand up to ones values, not agree to date and then unofficially date?

 

They had mutual friends and they would hang out together. I think they did some other one-on-one 'dates' too, but no funny business going on.

 

He's Italian, so there might have been some hand holding or hugging (they do that with EVERYONE)... I should ask though...

 

This is more what I view as traditional 'courtship' rituals. To hear it from her, she was quite the wild-thing before she married him.. she was having sex with lots of other guys... but he wouldn't do it. But he seems to be doing a great job keeping her happy that way now. So, it's not like he's got nothing going on in the bedroom either because he made her wait.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I get you. So your vote for 4) Just have sex and talk about it later. I think if you don't care, it doesn't matter what path you take, but I'm moving towards restraint when seeking a LTR and communicating ones boundaries upfront . I feel this might be a better strategy for having a LTR. It's not just about getting hurt or not.

 

I think it just as important for a man to demonstrate restraint as it is for the woman.

 

I've had many men who wanted to have a relationship with me after 'getting' sex 'early' with me... and I refused... for the same reason some men ditch women who give them sex too early.

 

I went into these situations with the assumption that all they wanted was sex... my brain had already put them in that box. Plus, I had the sneaky suspicion that the main reason they felt comfortable wanting a relationship is because I WAS casual. They didn't feel alot of pressure, and so it was ok. I think it is Ruby Slippers who has this dynamic going. I sometimes wonder (and maybe she does too) what her guy would say if she said yes to being in an official relationship and started doing official relationship things. I suspect run for the hills...

 

But LTR's, by definition, will involve some pressure at some point. I knew these guys weren't going to be good for the long haul.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I think you're so worried about being a rebound that you're not inhibiting the RL from happening.

 

You know, if she wanted sex on dates 1 or 2 or even skip dating and go to bed, then I'd say to worry.

 

This is date #4...many will go all the way on date #3. Stop worrying and go all the way. If she ends up having issues a month later, then you know it's not meant to be. Stop worrying about getting hurt so much and let things be natural. You're being all guarded right now and that will mess things up worse than any "rebound" stuff.

 

and in the meantime, he's possibly wasting his time on a woman who is not emotionally ready for a LTR... with him or anyone else.

 

Waiting a few more dates and another month to figure that out never killed anyone...

 

Seeing what she does when he says 'hold your horses sweetheart', on the other hand, is VERY useful information.

[bluenightowl]

and in the meantime, he's possibly wasting his time on a woman who is not emotionally ready for a LTR... with him or anyone else.

 

Waiting a few more dates and another month to figure that out never killed anyone...

 

Seeing what she does when he says 'hold your horses sweetheart', on the other hand, is VERY useful information.

 

Exactly. All men love a night of fun, don't get me wrong, but at the same time, if you're looking for a LTR, I think you have to look at the big picture. It could one night of fun, and then nothing.

 

Reading these forums at least, it seems some women prefer a man who is clear what he wants and show signs of control and confidence, and of course sexual interest, rather than the happy go lucky guy who'll take any sex he can get from anyone willing to give it to him.

 

There is no guarantee such a woman might just hop on the next train coming along and the next guy will have sex with her, but as Science Gal mentioned, who cares then.

 

One last point about sex on date #4, I do think there is something strange when a woman wants sex over a commitment to only date each other who is looking suggesting they want a LTR. I suspect its simply rebound behaviour and possibly being scared of getting into a new relationship and/or wanting to please this person, who knows.

[bluenightowl]

5) Consider that she might be making advances because it's what she thinks you want or thinks it what she "should do"... so tell her you like dating her but do not want to rush things physically because you'd like a real shot at things working out between you two.

 

I can only speak from my point of view, but that's what I would want to hear. I'd feel respected and still know that you are interested. And let's face it, if you put yourself out there like that then you are a really decent guy. If she runs off to screw someone else, then you're better off.

 

Was thinking about this one a bit more. I still think its a good approach, but at some point its good to settle on dating one person. Since she has no idea what she wants and still wants to date other people, is it really a good idea to just leave things so casual, keeping in mind she is a rebounder with emotions bouncing around. It sounds more that I'd be plan b and that's not so romantic.

 

It might be good to add, that at this point I'd prefer to date only one person to get to know her better, and until then would really prefer to take a break for now. Why offer that option to her and wait around, rather than just take a break until she is ready or not.

[bluenightowl]

and in the meantime, he's possibly wasting his time on a woman who is not emotionally ready for a LTR... with him or anyone else.

 

Waiting a few more dates and another month to figure that out never killed anyone...

 

Seeing what she does when he says 'hold your horses sweetheart', on the other hand, is VERY useful information.

 

This goes to your other point about men stepping up to the plate about setting the pace of the relationship, but I see woman all the time on LS wanting to protect themselves from getting hurt and want men to be exclusive. Why? I think its because woman more than men control when the couple gets sex. The key and the lock.

 

You see it here on LS all the time. Women wonder if the man wants a relationship after sex and the men have trouble getting a date or sex. I'm not sure we can just say its time for men to step up to the plate. If a man hasn't had a date in 10 months, or sex in 10 months and gets a date with a woman and she wants sex, how many men are going to say no to an opportunity like that?

 

A woman can put up an online profile and get 100 messages in a week. A man might be lucky to get a few replies. Its a bit of a game of supply and demand, and if men get such an opportunity they act decisively and take it often.

 

Luckily I had some success at dating and sex, but it is still a very big challenge to refrain from sex when given the opportunity with a beautiful woman. I also don't buy the woman like sex just as much as men. I don't think that's the issue. It has to do more with how easily available sex is, and for a very attractive woman, she can pretty much find someone whenever she wants it.

 

Of course, I do wonder how often a beautiful woman is told no to sex, and if a guy did say that, it might just make you far more attractive in her eyes. I believe the PUA's talk about this as a way to separate you from the pack and increase your worth to her. Of course not my objective to be a PUA, but to have a healthy LTR, but interesting how some of the behaviours overlap.

[ThsAmericanLife]

This goes to your other point about men stepping up to the plate about setting the pace of the relationship, but I see woman all the time on LS wanting to protect themselves from getting hurt and want men to be exclusive. Why? I think its because woman more than men control when the couple gets sex. The key and the lock.

 

Only because rape is illegal. I really don't think most men should have any problems getting sex at all these days. It just isn't with the woman they think they 'deserve.'

 

You see it here on LS all the time. Women wonder if the man wants a relationship after sex and the men have trouble getting a date or sex. I'm not sure we can just say its time for men to step up to the plate. If a man hasn't had a date in 10 months, or sex in 10 months and gets a date with a woman and she wants sex, how many men are going to say no to an opportunity like that?

 

See above. If these same men dated women who were a bit overweight perhaps. Were older than them, more educated, less educated, different racial background... basically, not what they dream up looking at the grocery store check-out aisle, perhaps they'd have more 'luck'.

 

A woman can put up an online profile and get 100 messages in a week. A man might be lucky to get a few replies. Its a bit of a game of supply and demand, and if men get such an opportunity they act decisively and take it often.

 

An attractive woman perhaps. You've seen my OLD method. I don't want 100 messages a week.

 

Luckily I had some success at dating and sex, but it is still a very big challenge to refrain from sex when given the opportunity with a beautiful woman. I also don't buy the woman like sex just as much as men. I don't think that's the issue. It has to do more with how easily available sex is, and for a very attractive woman, she can pretty much find someone whenever she wants it.

 

This is also true for a very attractive man. Choosing to refrain from sex (regardless of looks) is a challenge for everyone. Men have gotten WAAAY too used to shrugging off their responsibility. Kind of lazy if you ask me. But, you can't always leave that decision up to the woman, can you?? If you really want a LTR.

 

 

Of course, I do wonder how often a beautiful woman is told no to sex, and if a guy did say that, it might just make you far more attractive in her eyes. I believe the PUA's talk about this as a way to separate you from the pack and increase your worth to her. Of course not my objective to be a PUA, but to have a healthy LTR, but interesting how some of the behaviours overlap.

 

I don't consider myself beautiful, but I've been told no a few times. Both when I was much younger and more recently. The ones who said no were co-workers... the only two in my life I ever pursued. But see... they had more at stake. I'm sure they sized up the situation and just decided they didn't want a relationship with me, and so didn't go down the wham-bam-thank-you-maam path.

 

Regarding PUA's... Sure, the rookies and a-holes try to make a pass on the first date.

 

You are probably talking about guys who won't make an overt move on the first or second date. PUA's don't make it past the third date, and especially not the fourth. Take a look at these threads... they all talk about how 3-4 dates is such a huge investment and if they aren't getting any by then, they are moving on.

 

Fine with me.

[bluenightowl]

Only because rape is illegal. I really don't think most men should have any problems getting sex at all these days. It just isn't with the woman they think they 'deserve.'

 

Wow that's harsh, but I'm sure there is some truth in that when you see what happens in more lawless places.

 

See above. If these same men dated women who were a bit overweight perhaps. Were older than them, more educated, less educated, different racial background... basically, not what they dream up looking at the grocery store check-out aisle, perhaps they'd have more 'luck'.

 

Possibly.

 

 

You are probably talking about guys who won't make an overt move on the first or second date. PUA's don't make it past the third date, and especially not the fourth. Take a look at these threads... they all talk about how 3-4 dates is such a huge investment and if they aren't getting any by then, they are moving on.

 

Fine with me.

 

From what I read the PUA stuff works on some people, but yes I'm sure there are lots just looking for sex and move on quickly. The problem is I think there are more and more woman that see sexual liberation as the opportunity to have sex like this too, and now we have female and male players out there. I still feel, but could be wrong its tougher on most woman then men to behave like this.