bluenightowl Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Let's say you were dating someone and things got a bit too heated too soon. You both didn't really want the sex to happen but it did. No talk about being exclusive etc. but it was a great night. You want a serious LTR, like him/her and would never date anyone else after having sex esp. since you like this person. You later find out that he/she is continuing to date other people. You know that exclusivity wasn't talked about but it still doesn't feel right to you. What would you do? 1. Talk about it with her and tell her you want to be exclusive. If she says no, move on. 2. Tell her you found out, and are moving on, go NC, and date someone else. 3. Say nothing, play it cool and keep dating while she dates other guys hoping she picks you eventually.
sleepessinoh Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 tell them that you like them and you want to date them but you only date one person at a time and expect the same from them. They can either date just you or continue to date others. Be ready to be dumped though...BUT dont lower yourself down to something below your standards which seems to be dating multiple people. Who knows you may be surprised. But dont just dump them without giving them an opportunity to fix the problem. They may not even know that this is a probem
Cypress25 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 LOL, how many threads are you going to start about this?
Author bluenightowl Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 LOL, how many threads are you going to start about this? ha. you never answered the question. I'll put you down for option 1.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 I answered it in your other thread! LOL Don't pick on me. You've already got Nexus One in a huff.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 so you had sex anyway you bad boy Not helping you out with this one! You'd probably know my answer anyway... ... and I'll second Cypress comment... you really do like to analyze things. Even more than me! ok, ok... I'll answer. I'd WANT to do #2... and eventually, it probably would end up being #2... no matter if I chose #1 or not and tried to see the other person's side of things. I simply have a really hard time trusting anyone who will sleep with me and also date others. It isn't cheating. But it isn't cool with me either. Being an adult, and wanting to accept responsibility for my own actions (like not explicitly asking in advance)... but in my heart of hearts... I'd know our values were not in line and I probably couldn't get over it. Probably wouldn't go NC though. Another option would be to immediately put the brakes on the sex, and take a break until I was convinced they had stopped seeing other people. I dunno. Not sure if even that would do if for me.
ScienceGal Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 My answer in your other thread was golden!! But now you've gone and done it! ... what the heck? Still, I pick #1. You clearly want to be exclusive. This is important to you. Do not compromise.
veggirl Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I would do #1 but if I really was adament and felt sex shouldn't happen prior to exclusivity I'm not sure how this situation would happen. If I wanted to be exclusive before sex, and sex SOMEHOW "just happened" and I found out the guy was dating others, yeah I'd walk away.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 I'd WANT to do #2... and eventually, it probably would end up being #2... no matter if I chose #1 or not and tried to see the other person's side of things. I simply have a really hard time trusting anyone who will sleep with me and also date others. It isn't cheating. But it isn't cool with me either. Ah, someone had to choose a different option. Good one. I don't know if anyone has any insights on this, but I tend to completely agree. I really am starting to doubt that anyone who has casual sex with someone and then continues to date others, updates their online profile, you name it, is really interested in that person let alone a serious LTR, no matter how soon or late the sex took place. I've read now 3 or 4 examples here on LS in the past while. Perhaps they might only stay if they had no other options left or felt guilty and that's not a great recipe for a LTR. I also like to think of the story you might tell your 'kids' one day: Yes kids, mom and I dated and we were magically in love, oh but she wasn't sure and dated and had sex with 3 other guys and tested the waters out for a few more months. Eventually she decided on me and we are so happy.... My nickname is '5th option' I'm not sure why. You can change the genders. I think its applies equally.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Ah, someone had to choose a different option. Good one. I don't know if anyone has any insights on this, but I tend to completely agree. I really am starting to doubt that anyone who has casual sex with someone and then continues to date others, updates their online profile, you name it, is really interested in that person let alone a serious LTR, no matter how soon or late the sex took place. I've read now 3 or 4 examples here on LS in the past while. Perhaps they might only stay if they had no other options left or felt guilty and that's not a great recipe for a LTR. I also like to think of the story you might tell your 'kids' one day: Yes kids, mom and I dated and we were magically in love, oh but she wasn't sure and dated and had sex with 3 other guys and tested the waters out for a few more months. Eventually she decided on me and we are so happy.... My nickname is '5th option' I'm not sure why. You can change the genders. I think its applies equally. That about sums it up...
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 This occurred to me this morning... Unfortunately, I'm betting alot of people (especially in OLD) are doing a bit of tit-for-tat... They assume that everyone is multi-dating, so therefore, they must also multi-date in order not to get left in the dust somehow. On your other thread, you mentioned trying to stay friends in some way. I'd broach #1 (hesitantly) because I'm still not thrilled being with a multi-dater 'sheep'... but I'd still be curious to know why they felt the need to see other people. Not about me... or having anything to do with their level of interest... just trying to understand if this behavior is part of their core values or something they feel 'compelled' to adopt because of the so-called realities of the dating world. In other words, I'd explore a philosophical discussion with them before going to #2... Because it is their core values that I'm really concerned about. Before I give someone the boot, they deserve the opportunity to demonstrate what those are. They might say 'oh, I'm so relieved!! I hate this multi-dater shyte too! All my friends tell me I need to do it though, cause that's how the world is!" Kinda going back to some of Nexus' posts about what may or may not appear to be the new 'default' position. I still think people need to 'man up' or 'woman up' and bring a bit more integrity into their interactions... whatever their choices are... and consider the needs of the other person instead of blindly going forward with whatever makes them feel good at the moment.
Art_Critic Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Option number 1.. One thing is for sure.. if she is having sex with you and still dating others then the chances are high that she is also having sex with others. I certainly would not have sex with her unless there is some talk of exclusivity or the next time you have sex and go down on her think about who was there before you
Author bluenightowl Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 This occurred to me this morning... Unfortunately, I'm betting alot of people (especially in OLD) are doing a bit of tit-for-tat... They assume that everyone is multi-dating, so therefore, they must also multi-date in order not to get left in the dust somehow. Possibly, but I think its also the nature of OLD. It encourages multi-dating. As well when people are just out of a LTR people's friends will say go out and meet lots of people and don't settle too soon. Good advice really. On your other thread, you mentioned trying to stay friends in some way. I'd broach #1 (hesitantly) because I'm still not thrilled being with a multi-dater 'sheep'... but I'd still be curious to know why they felt the need to see other people. Because things happened too fast. This isn't uncommon either. Haven't we heard many times of woman being suspicious of men that wanted sex early. Haven't we heard of woman who have sex and then regret it. Sometimes women (and men) are getting over their EX and need to be close to someone to feel attractive again, but that's it. I think some women, consider better men, the ones who can wait for sex. Didn't you say that? Not about me... or having anything to do with their level of interest... just trying to understand if this behavior is part of their core values or something they feel 'compelled' to adopt because of the so-called realities of the dating world. In other words, I'd explore a philosophical discussion with them before going to #2... I think most people don't like multi-dating, and get out of it as soon as they think they can. OLD makes it easy to shop for dates and we know some people get addicted to shopping. Kinda going back to some of Nexus' posts about what may or may not appear to be the new 'default' position. Nexus has great points in his thread. He is to something IMHO. I also think women have changed a lot. They are not dependant on men they way they were only 30 years ago. That's super, but I do think woman are testing out dating multiple men, early sex in way that didn't happen so much before and there is some good things about that and some problems as well. But people are generally selfish and if they can date 5 people, have sex with one, and date others they will. I think therefore it more important to figure out what you boundaries are and stand by them more than ever or face getting hurt.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 Option number 1.. One thing is for sure.. if she is having sex with you and still dating others then the chances are high that she is also having sex with others. I certainly would not have sex with her unless there is some talk of exclusivity or the next time you have sex and go down on her think about who was there before you Yes indeed. I sometimes wonder if woman think men are okay with casual sex. I think men like sex and can detach, except if she is having sex or dating other men. That usually, but not always changes a man's feelings of triumph to disappointment.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Yes indeed. I sometimes wonder if woman think men are okay with casual sex. I think men like sex and can detach, except if she is having sex or dating other men. That usually, but not always changes a man's feelings of triumph to disappointment. here is another area where I am feeling a bit smug... The guys who are ok with casual sex are often doing multiple women.... But they don't want each of those individual women out doing multiple guys... (awwww!! poor babies!!) so, yea. I don't feel sorry for the 'casual sex guy' getting played by a fellow female player.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 here is another area where I am feeling a bit smug... The guys who are ok with casual sex are often doing multiple women.... But they don't want each of those individual women out doing multiple guys... (awwww!! poor babies!!) so, yea. I don't feel sorry for the 'casual sex guy' getting played by a fellow female player. The guys who are really okay with casual sex and date multiple woman don't really care if she is dating multiple men. They can't get played very easily and they know it. Some might even love it that she is dating around because then there is no worry of her asking for a commitment and even better no guilt trip because she is behaving the same way as him. I think in such a game men have the advantage in almost all cases. As well, many female players usually burn the good ones, not the male players and celebrate with their friends how they can be like men by destroying potentially good relationships for them. Eventually these females players will get hurt and stop playing the game. Kids, don't play with fire, it will burn you in the end.
Elysian Powder Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Let's say you were dating someone and things got a bit too heated too soon. You both didn't really want the sex to happen but it did. No talk about being exclusive etc. but it was a great night. You want a serious LTR, like him/her and would never date anyone else after having sex esp. since you like this person. You later find out that he/she is continuing to date other people. You know that exclusivity wasn't talked about but it still doesn't feel right to you. What would you do? 1. Talk about it with her and tell her you want to be exclusive. If she says no, move on. 2. Tell her you found out, and are moving on, go NC, and date someone else. 3. Say nothing, play it cool and keep dating while she dates other guys hoping she picks you eventually. The question to be asked is: the woman is good-looking? Lets say that she is. Is she a good lay? Dumped her if you haven't slept with her yet. Find a woman who wants a LTR but keep your current date by your side in case your LTR ends, or you want some good sex or simply some variety.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 #1, but be aware that there might be a basic incompatibility between the two of you with regards to the "weight" that sexual activity holds. Some people take it much more casually than others. I think you have already made a value judgement on her sexual behavior based upon your posts and even the use of the phrase "throw her to the curb," which is pretty negative and harsh. If you do choose option #1 and forge ahead with her, I hope that you don't have a negative attitude towards her that will taint your relationship.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 #1, but be aware that there might be a basic incompatibility between the two of you with regards to the "weight" that sexual activity holds. Some people take it much more casually than others. I think you have already made a value judgement on her sexual behavior based upon your posts and even the use of the phrase "throw her to the curb," which is pretty negative and harsh. If you do choose option #1 and forge ahead with her, I hope that you don't have a negative attitude towards her that will taint your relationship. Some people definitely do take sex more casually than others depending on their state of mind, readiness and so on, but I think it doesn't negate the red flag and problem. no definitely wouldn't hold a negative attitude. The choice of words was simply LS marketing of this post to get your attention
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 The guys who are really okay with casual sex and date multiple woman don't really care if she is dating multiple men. They can't get played very easily and they know it. Some might even love it that she is dating around because then there is no worry of her asking for a commitment and even better no guilt trip because she is behaving the same way as him. I think in such a game men have the advantage in almost all cases. As well, many female players usually burn the good ones, not the male players and celebrate with their friends how they can be like men by destroying potentially good relationships for them. Eventually these females players will get hurt and stop playing the game. Kids, don't play with fire, it will burn you in the end. oooh! I dunno about that! I think the whole game with PUAs of either gender is to try to get as many people as possible to be exclusive to them without being exclusive in return. Otherwise they'd be in 'open' relationships. ... as other posters have illustrated... men can and do 'fall in love' with the women they are having casual sex with. Especially if the sex is good. The men giving you the advice to go ahead and have sex then see 'where it goes' seem to use this approach... somehow assuming that it is the woman who is 'naturally' going to be the one who will get attached first, and the guy can detach anytime he wants. It isn't true. This conclusion about women is just as f**d up as mine was about men, back in the day. Plenty of women don't automatically bond through sex, just as plenty of men DO.
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