justaname Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 as the feeling of being in love is turning into a less dramatic and more stable kind of love that just wants to be able to sit on the sofa and read books together, infatuation is turning into frustration. what happens to affairs at this point? when you're completely emotionally bound together but it's about that instead of the fireworks? do you just proceed to drag each other down without the overdose of endorphins to lift you back up?
sleepessinoh Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 as the feeling of being in love is turning into a less dramatic and more stable kind of love that just wants to be able to sit on the sofa and read books together, infatuation is turning into frustration. what happens to affairs at this point? when you're completely emotionally bound together but it's about that instead of the fireworks? do you just proceed to drag each other down without the overdose of endorphins to lift you back up? When you are in an A, you cant just sit on the couch and watch tv or read and just enjoy each other whenever you want to. You dont get that luxury. It is at this point that you really start feeling the fact that you are in an A and the rules are different. When the feelings of being in love begin to become less dramatic, isnt that when you rely on the foundation that you built for the relationship? There is no foundation because it as built on half truths and betrayal. So yes, IMO there is nowhere other than down from there.
spice4life Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 (edited) Honestly? I never got past the infatuation part because we never had enough time for it to get there. Now that's its done, I'm trying to figure out, "was it love or an addiction?" I've always thought it was love (unrequited love) and now the test of time will help me see. it took me a while before I actually fell in love with him (8 months). I can honestly say that it was because I liked what I was starting to see everytime I we spent time together. That happened before I found out he was not separated and had been trying to reconcile with his wife the whole time. So now I will find out for sure...was it love or simply nothing more than an addiction? Edited September 3, 2011 by spice4life
Spark1111 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 as the feeling of being in love is turning into a less dramatic and more stable kind of love that just wants to be able to sit on the sofa and read books together, infatuation is turning into frustration. what happens to affairs at this point? when you're completely emotionally bound together but it's about that instead of the fireworks? do you just proceed to drag each other down without the overdose of endorphins to lift you back up? Interesting question! Because of all the time and secrecy constraints, an affair to me seems like the perpetual third date: always exciting and everyone on their absolutely best behavior. I think that is why they are so addicting. If you add up all the actual TIME APs are together, not the countless calls and texts trying to arrange the meet up, a year-long affair could be the equivalent of three months. There isn't a loss of infatuation after three months, is there? A former poster here, whose entire family (the men) and one sister were serial cheaters, said that whenever the long term affair grew stagnant, one AP or the other would create unneccessary drama as in, I'm done with this, to refuel the endorphin spike. Lots of fights, tears, jealousy help create new hot make-up sex and heightened emotions. Fantasy, secrecy and drama fuel endorphins and dopamine. It is what makes affairs so addicting. Often, if they do settle down to normalcy, they rarely last as a long term relationship. That's the truth.
bentnotbroken Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 as the feeling of being in love is turning into a less dramatic and more stable kind of love that just wants to be able to sit on the sofa and read books together, infatuation is turning into frustration. what happens to affairs at this point? when you're completely emotionally bound together but it's about that instead of the fireworks? do you just proceed to drag each other down without the overdose of endorphins to lift you back up? Welcome to the outside world.
MissBee Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 (edited) as the feeling of being in love is turning into a less dramatic and more stable kind of love that just wants to be able to sit on the sofa and read books together, infatuation is turning into frustration. what happens to affairs at this point? when you're completely emotionally bound together but it's about that instead of the fireworks? do you just proceed to drag each other down without the overdose of endorphins to lift you back up? With my former A, with the passing of time and the dying down of endorphins, the stagnation or better yet, the limited capacity of the relationship, became apparent and it became more frustrating and then we began arguing more, I began demanding more and then it was the beginning of the end. I don't condone any A, but can see how a fling would seem to be more harmless or more low risk, but those in As who conduct them as if they are regular relationships with the same growth potential, are in for more of a shock and upset, as eventually it is going to get to that brick wall of okay, in order for one to have certain things, some type of decision, which often upsets the status quo, has to be made. Then the question is...WILL that decision be made? If not...is it worth it to continue? I think once one starts to become frustrated and unhappy and want more...then one has to truly decide what way to go. For some, like myself, while I wanted more, I was scared of upsetting the status quo and "losing him" and "our relationship" so convinced myself I was happier than I was or would complain about what was lacking then feel guilty and renege so that I'd still have him around in whatever manner. Eventually that had to stop too... You have to be truthful with yourself about how you feel and what you want and assess whether or not this situation is causing you to compromise your authentic desires, which leads to settling, as you don't have the ultimate but what is "good enough" or "good enough sometimes". I don't think there are any other ways to enliven the relationship, as you will always know and feel the truth, no matter how you try to reintroduce endorphins. The fact you've asked this means you too are at that point and you too know the truth.....so there is no way to go besides making a decision to continue in spite of or do something differently and upset the status quo. If you want a future, can you really get it? Edited September 3, 2011 by MissBee
mzdolphin Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 as the feeling of being in love is turning into a less dramatic and more stable kind of love that just wants to be able to sit on the sofa and read books together, infatuation is turning into frustration. what happens to affairs at this point? when you're completely emotionally bound together but it's about that instead of the fireworks? do you just proceed to drag each other down without the overdose of endorphins to lift you back up? Every affair is different. But a lot of them have similarities, especially if it was all about sex. I was unaware of my MM marital status at first and we had a history, so the infatuation never really left. We're talking a 20-year history. What I did lose was respect for him. When it became clear that he was ok lying to his wife and disrespecting her in some substantial ways (sending me money/check with their home address on it. Giving me hotel itinerary with his credit card info, asking me to collaborate on public projects that would tie our names together, spending entire weeks with me and inviting me to his job............... Losing respect for him was a huge reason I moved on. Why stay in an affair or any relationship if you are just dragging each other down?
mzdolphin Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 With my former A, with the passing of time and the dying down of endorphins, the stagnation or better yet, the limited capacity of the relationship, became apparent and it became more frustrating and then we began arguing more, I began demanding more and then it was the beginning of the end. I don't condone any A, but can see how a fling would seem to be more harmless or more low risk, but those in As who conduct them as if they are regular relationships with the same growth potential, are in for more of a shock and upset, as eventually it is going to get to that brick wall of okay, in order for one to have certain things, some type of decision, which often upsets the status quo, has to be made. Then the question is...WILL that decision be made? If not...is it worth it to continue? I think once one starts to become frustrated and unhappy and want more...then one has to truly decide what way to go. For some, like myself, while I wanted more, I was scared of upsetting the status quo and "losing him" and "our relationship" so convinced myself I was happier than I was or would complain about what was lacking then feel guilty and renege so that I'd still have him around in whatever manner. Eventually that had to stop too... You have to be truthful with yourself about how you feel and what you want and assess whether or not this situation is causing you to compromise your authentic desires, which leads to settling, as you don't have the ultimate but what is "good enough" or "good enough sometimes". I don't think there are any other ways to enliven the relationship, as you will always know and feel the truth, no matter how you try to reintroduce endorphins. The fact you've asked this means you too are at that point and you too know the truth.....so there is no way to go besides making a decision to continue in spite of or do something differently and upset the status quo. If you want a future, can you really get it? Great post MissBee. It's easy to sleep into fantasy with an affair. It is so important to take emotional inventory. Are your needs being met? When you are alone, at night, with your thoughts, how comfortable are you with what you're thinking? When, who, why? None of that matters if YOUR needs aren't being met.
mzdolphin Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Interesting question! Because of all the time and secrecy constraints, an affair to me seems like the perpetual third date: always exciting and everyone on their absolutely best behavior. I think that is why they are so addicting. If you add up all the actual TIME APs are together, not the countless calls and texts trying to arrange the meet up, a year-long affair could be the equivalent of three months. There isn't a loss of infatuation after three months, is there? A former poster here, whose entire family (the men) and one sister were serial cheaters, said that whenever the long term affair grew stagnant, one AP or the other would create unneccessary drama as in, I'm done with this, to refuel the endorphin spike. Lots of fights, tears, jealousy help create new hot make-up sex and heightened emotions. Fantasy, secrecy and drama fuel endorphins and dopamine. It is what makes affairs so addicting. Often, if they do settle down to normalcy, they rarely last as a long term relationship. That's the truth. This is true about actual time. Before I knew my exMM was married and he lived near by, we saw each other two to three times a week. Spent entire weekends together. It was like real dating. When I found out he was married and he moved back to in with his wife, his pursuit was relentless. The I care about you was raised to I love you. "I've searched my emotions and I know I love you," he said. I'm thinking I haven't seen you in more than a year, why is it love now? I think he was trying do fuel something.
Cabin Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 If you add up all the actual TIME APs are together, not the countless calls and texts trying to arrange the meet up, a year-long affair could be the equivalent of three months. There isn't a loss of infatuation after three months, is there? But what about when that isn't the case? When the APs actually spend a great deal of time together? Clearly not all As are made equal. Some are conducted long distance with very infrequent physical contact. Others are made up of short rendezvous whenever brief bouts of time permit. And still others involve frequent and lengthy time spent together. In the case of sustained time spent together, I'd argue that the A is an actual relationship with more depth than a fling. I also think the infatuation does wear off as it normally would in dating.
jwi71 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 as the feeling of being in love is turning into a less dramatic and more stable kind of love that just wants to be able to sit on the sofa and read books together, infatuation is turning into frustration. what happens to affairs at this point? IMO, this happens in ALL R's. Most people adjust and slide into what I will call a "mature loving stage" - where sitting on the couch and reading becomes pleasurable and "normal". In short, the R settles in, routines develop and "real life" sets in. Except in an A that can't happen. There is typically NO reality with what you describe because he/she must return home preventing a normal and healthy routine pattern to develop. Excepting of course that the pattern becomes time spent with the lover and then a return to the BS. And this leads to the frustration you mention. Has to be frustrating that the WS must, eventually, return home. That requirement, that this R be hidden, PRECLUDES all that normal mature from taking hold. No matter the excuse to return - they return. Of course, the shorter more cynical (and perhaps just as accurate reply) would be the WS finds another endorphin fueled R (another AP) to fill the now empty void. when you're completely emotionally bound together but it's about that instead of the fireworks? My problem with this is you are NOT completely bound together - the ring on the WS's finger serves as a permanent reminder of that. Wait, did I say permanent - no its not. That's a problem with an easy solution - one with readily identifiable judicial steps. It's a huge mistake to believe that a WS is completely bound in an A to the AP. The truest test of this is to ask oneself to whom is the WS married? Or to suggest setting the BS free so he/she may find the same love with another. This typically response goes WAY different than the AP imagines. do you just proceed to drag each other down without the overdose of endorphins to lift you back up? The cynical response is for the WS to cheat again. While a bit snarky on the surface it is not without considerable merit. Because now the A begins to closely resemble a M and the same "realities" the WS has at home with the BS. Except its hard for long term patterns to emerge and real personalities to come through because of the constant need to return "home" (and don't miss or underestimate that its referred to as "home"). Its why one reads about coping skills, maturity and boundaries all the time. When the endorphin high deflates and the mature love stage wants to develop it requires BOTH parties to be mature, possess coping skills and be mature to handle a routine (aka the lack of endorphin high). Oh, and not be M to someone else helps here too. Its why, despite all protestations to the contrary, a WS is ultimately selfish, cowardly, has a severe lack of boundaries and demonstrably poor coping skills. No why this makes for a desirable spouse is beyond me - but I read it here all the time.
MissBee Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Great post MissBee. It's easy to sleep into fantasy with an affair. It is so important to take emotional inventory. Are your needs being met? When you are alone, at night, with your thoughts, how comfortable are you with what you're thinking? When, who, why? None of that matters if YOUR needs aren't being met. Very much so! That question is so important....as it is in the quiet times without that external influence, that we truly get to wind down and see how we really feel and like you said, in your alone time, are you really comfortable with what you're thinking and feeling?
MissBee Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 But what about when that isn't the case? When the APs actually spend a great deal of time together? Clearly not all As are made equal. Some are conducted long distance with very infrequent physical contact. Others are made up of short rendezvous whenever brief bouts of time permit. And still others involve frequent and lengthy time spent together. In the case of sustained time spent together, I'd argue that the A is an actual relationship with more depth than a fling. I also think the infatuation does wear off as it normally would in dating . I think that that was the gist of the OPs question, about As that are conducted more like a relationship, when it gets to that point of the infatuation dying down and you start to get into that phase of inevitably wanting to build something together and do "regular boring couple things", how does one make that transition, in light of constrains? Do you have to do more stuff to raise the level of endorphins, to take it back to how it was before unsettling thoughts started to creep in and you beginning to feel antsy....or is this a signal that something different has to happen as it has reached a critical stage? I'd argue for the latter; when one gets to that stage, one has to assess (like any other relationship), whether or not there is growth potential and should one invest time into building or has this relationship come to an impasse?
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