SelfControl Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) It certainly sounds like if in his past relationship he was pushed away, just the opposite is happening here. IMO, for 8 months in, you two are spending way too much time together. When you see each other everyday, like you mentioned you do, it leaves very little room to breath. During the honeymoon phase of dating, which you sound like you are still in, it's very natural to want to spend every waking moment together. However, this generally backfires when the honeymoon phase starts to fade and reality sets in. At that time, one partner may start to realize they are being smothered and become resentful or anoid at all the little things that they used to just think were quirky. Once that happens, it's very difficult, if not impossible, to go back. Therefore, I suggest that you try being ok with the amount of space you two have together before doing anything rash like trying to spend more time together or end the relationship. Ultimately, you have to decide how much space you can live with. Take a look at the 'Break Up' thread here on LS and read how many relationships started out 'like crazy', where the couple saw each other all the time and then it fizzled out and the relationship ended. Do you want that to happen? There needs to be a balance. Like Wezol said, "Having a life outside the relationship is a very healthy thing." You can be the key to controlling if this gets better. You can make a small change in your behavior and see if it has a positive effect. For example, you said in the past 'you expect' him to come over to your house after he spends a night out with his friends. What if the next time he goes out you say, "Look, I know you'll be tired after you go out with your friends and you'll probably want to sleep in your own bed. So, why don't you just stay at your place tonight and I'll see you tomorrow at lunch?" This may be just the kind of thing that gets him thinking, "Wow, I have a great gf. She's didn't pressure me tonight. I will stay at my place this time, but the next time I will volunteer to go to her place." Sometimes, you just need to let the other person think that what you want is their idea. And to do that you need to let go of what you want and see what happens. By showing maturity now, understanding how much space you can live with, talking about it calmly in terms of what you are looking for, compromising, letting go of some of your 'wants' and accepting space, you will better prepare yourself for if/when things get serious and lead to an engagement and marriage, at which time you will most likely start spending even more time together anyway. And, if you still think you aren't compatiable in a couple months time, then you can end things knowing that you did all you could and you will be that much wiser for your next relationship when this topic comes up again. It typically does. You have gotten a lot of opinions here on your situation/thread. It's now up to you, and only you, to decide what is best. Good luck, KandL. Edited September 4, 2011 by SelfControl
country_gurl Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 1. There is a huge difference between you spending time with your MARRIED exes and their WIVES, and him going out drinking with his SINGLE EX. It's strange that he even needs to spend time with her, WTH for? That would concern me, too. 2. The fact that you EXPECT him, although he's spending 5 nights a week at your place including all weekend, to have only 1-2 nights a week for himself yet MUST come spend the night after hanging out with his friends, says to me that you're very insecure and you're not respecting his need to have his own life/space too. You expect him to spend 7 nights a week with you and that's asking WAY TOO MUCH. It makes you seem very possessive and demanding and controlling and needy, sorry to say it. Good relationships are a balance of time spend together and time spent with one's own friends/interests/time alone or apart.
sm1tten Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 You are not compatible. Although you are exclusive, your needs and what he's giving you don't match (and perhaps vice versa). You are possessive, controlling, hypocritical, insecure, and at least a little materialistic. You need to be with someone who wants to spend all of their time with you, will cater to your whims and demands, and will show you affection via gifts. I'm not really judging you, I'm more pointing out that he isn't doing the things that you want (coming by after seeing his friends, not spending time with his ex, etc) because he doesn't WANT to.
Author keithandlila Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 1. There is a huge difference between you spending time with your MARRIED exes and their WIVES, and him going out drinking with his SINGLE EX. It's strange that he even needs to spend time with her, WTH for? That would concern me, too. 2. The fact that you EXPECT him, although he's spending 5 nights a week at your place including all weekend, to have only 1-2 nights a week for himself yet MUST come spend the night after hanging out with his friends, says to me that you're very insecure and you're not respecting his need to have his own life/space too. You expect him to spend 7 nights a week with you and that's asking WAY TOO MUCH. It makes you seem very possessive and demanding and controlling and needy, sorry to say it. Good relationships are a balance of time spend together and time spent with one's own friends/interests/time alone or apart. He stays at his house Mon and Tues and then he sometimes also stays at his two other days a week if he sees his friends, if he doesn;t then he's at mine 5 nights. So between 3 and 5 nights, let;s say averaging on 4 nights a week. But if we were to move into together then we would see each other all the time anyway. Some move in together after only six months and it works out OK.
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