keithandlila Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I need some reassurance that my boyfriend has long term potential. I have a naaging feeling about our compatibility so please advise. We have been together since January. I started a new job and immediately he made himself known by being very friendly towards me. I had been single for a year and felt ready for a relationship. We had too much to drink one night and had a one night stand. This turned into a relationship. A couple of weeks later he mentioned his ex. They had broken up just one month before I started my new job (aroung christmas time last year). He had to mention her as he was meeting her for a drink on a night when I had hoped to see him. I was fine with it as our relationship was new and not yet that serious. I had expected him to see her less as we became more of a couple. Eight months down the line he is still in contact with her but does not see her as much (I keep him busy!). Now I am close friends with two of my exes but I feel that it's OK as they are old family friends. I do feel it's different for men and think that it's more risky if a man is friends with an ex than if a woman is. I believe men are less able to control themselves and that they know this and out if respect for their partners they should no longer see their exes. Agree? Well my boyfriend doesn't! He occasionally mentions her and the things she likes - always in a favourable light. When I ask him to tell me how terrible she was he refuses. Anyway that is one area that makes me doubt. Another is the fact that we have different interets that are only coming to the fore now. We like different music, TV shows and find different things funny. These differences made things interesting at first and I don't mind but he does like to mention how different we are and how similar he and his friends are AND how similar he and his ex were! I don't want to know this! I tell him it makes me feels insecure and he says sorry but quickly forgets... Also I expect my SO to treat me to gifts and meals out. We always split the bill and I get no gifts from him! All my exes used to buy me flowers and presents now and again and when I told him this he became angry! Are we incompatible?
madjac74 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 yes. In fact I'm not sure either of you will be compatible for anyone since you both like to make people feel bad by comparing them to your exes. My SO and I talk about our exes all the time mostly because we both have kids with one of our exes but we would never compare them to each other. I feel a tiny bit insecure that her ex is a wealthy neurosurgeon but she never has thrown it in my face. It is just plain immature to say "well my ex did this, why cant you?" They are exes for a reason. They may have done things that were endearing but they still didn't work out. So why try to make your current BF be like them?
Author keithandlila Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Well I compare him to my ex only when it comes to gifts and romantic gestures as that is something I expect in any relationship. All my exes have been more generous and I want my boyfriend to show me he loves me because I feel insecure about our relationship.
madjac74 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Well I compare him to my ex only when it comes to gifts and romantic gestures as that is something I expect in any relationship. All my exes have been more generous and I want my boyfriend to show me he loves me because I feel insecure about our relationship. But why do you have to use your exes to get your point across? That wouldn't make me want to buy you gifts any more. If i feel like I'm competing with a past guy, I'd be gone. And why do gifts signify love? I buy a lot of christmas gifts just because I feel obligated...thats not love
Professor X Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I do feel it's different for men and think that it's more risky if a man is friends with an ex than if a woman is. I believe men are less able to control themselves and that they know this and out if respect for their partners they should no longer see their exes. Agree? Well my boyfriend doesn't! No, I don't agree lol. A quick browse in this forum will prove you wrong. So you're complete hypocrite for not allowing him to keep his ex' while you keep yours.
wezol Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) Do your ex's control themselves with you? Becaused based on your assumption that men can't control themselves around ex's, and unless you were a lesbian, that would make your ex's men as well. If they DO control themselves, then why do you think that you current SO can't? And if they don't control themselves, then you shouldnt be in contact with them, which you are. You're being a hypocrite. As far as the gifts go, why does that matter? I wouldn't buy you a dang thing I you told me "my ex did it, why don't you". Edited September 2, 2011 by wezol
Author keithandlila Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Yes I can see how hypocritical it sounds but I think it's up to my ex's girlfriends to stop them from seeing me. I do think I am completely able to control myself even if my exes made a move - they are both married now anyway btw. My boyfriend's ex is single at the moment and from what he has said she can be flirtatious with him when they are together. My exes do not flirt with me. The risk is therefore greater with him being in contact with her.
wezol Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) Yes I can see how hypocritical it sounds but I think it's up to my ex's girlfriends to stop them from seeing me. I do think I am completely able to control myself even if my exes made a move - they are both married now anyway btw. My boyfriend's ex is single at the moment and from what he has said she can be flirtatious with him when they are together. My exes do not flirt with me. The risk is therefore greater with him being in contact with her. It sounds hypocritical, because that's exactly what it is. So it's up to your ex's gf's to stop them from seeing you? And read around on here, to some, marriages don't mean crap when it comes to another woman. So your ex's have gf's or are married. Well guess what, your bf is taken too. So again, your TAKEN ex's control themselves around you, so what makes you think your TAKEN bf can't control himself around is ex? You either need to lead by example, or stop with the demands. It's that simple. Edited September 2, 2011 by wezol
Author keithandlila Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 It sounds hypocritical, because that's exactly what it is. So it's up to your ex's gf's to stop them from seeing you? And read around on here, to some, marriages don't mean crap when it comes to another woman. So your ex's have gf's or are married. Well guess what, your bf is taken too. So again, your TAKEN ex's control themselves around you, so what makes you think your TAKEN bf can't control himself around is ex? You either need to lead by example, or stop with the demands. It's that simple. Because she is a flirt. She dresses provocatively. I am not flirtatious - it' s not in my nature and I don't dress sexily. I know men are visual creatures and to go and get drunk with a woman who puts it out there on a plate is a temptation. I only meet my exes with their wives, for meals round at their houses. My partner meets his ex alone, for drinks, they get drunk. Not good. You can't compare the two.
CarrieT Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Well I compare him to my ex only when it comes to gifts and romantic gestures as that is something I expect in any relationship. All my exes have been more generous and I want my boyfriend to show me he loves me because I feel insecure about our relationship. And buying you things will make you feel more secure? Gee, I'd dump you, too... It sounds like you are more into the STUFF than the person. No wonder you aren't feeling compatible; maybe your BF is thinking you are the girl for him because you only want things and not what he has to offer you that is substantive and real.
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 And buying you things will make you feel more secure? Gee, I'd dump you, too... It sounds like you are more into the STUFF than the person. No wonder you aren't feeling compatible; maybe your BF is thinking you are the girl for him because you only want things and not what he has to offer you that is substantive and real. For some people, receiving gifts (even inexpensive ones/purely sentimental ones) is just a way for them to feel cared for/loved. Sure, some people are actually about materials things... but for others they just signify something deeper. It isn't personally my way (I could careless about such things) but, I've known a few people who perceive it as "affection"...
wezol Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Because she is a flirt. She dresses provocatively. I am not flirtatious - it' s not in my nature and I don't dress sexily. I know men are visual creatures and to go and get drunk with a woman who puts it out there on a plate is a temptation. I only meet my exes with their wives, for meals round at their houses. My partner meets his ex alone, for drinks, they get drunk. Not good. You can't compare the two. While I agree that he should not be seeing his ex, you can't do one thing and tell him to do another. Just not the way it works. Next time he goes, invite yourself. Would you feel better if y'all hung out together? Or would you still want him to stop taking to her. So like I said, you either lead by example, or you stop being hypocrotical. It really is that simple.
Quiet Storm Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 (edited) By saying that you should be able to keep your exes as friends, but he can't...you are sending the message that you don't trust his judgement. Men don't like that. They don't like a woman who tries to control them. Or one that is hypocritical. If you are that insecure about this ex, then you should talk him about BOTH of you ceasing contact with your exes. But your attitude of "it's okay for me but not for you"...is wrong. You have every right to your feelings, and I get that you are worried about the ex, and content that nothing will happen with your exes...but he doesn't know what will happen with the exes. Understand how crazy it sounds...it's okay for you to meet exes just because they are married and you don't dress like a slut? Consider that his ex may look better to him- not because her boobs are displayed on a platter, but because she is not criticizing or telling him what a disappointment he is to her. You, and other women, do this (criticize, compare him to exes) as a way to prompt him into doing what you want. You think he will want to change to make you happy. But instead, it makes him want to do LESS for you. A man's thought process is usually, "if I don't make her happy, then she's not the right girl for me." Many times they don't consider changing, or striving to make her happier. They will just think you aren't compatible and look for a woman that loves him for who he is (and not who she wants him to be). Edited September 3, 2011 by Quiet Storm
D-Lish Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I don't know guys- it may be a tad hypocritical, but I think the OP seeing her ex's with their wives in a group setting and him seeing his ex alone getting smashed with her are sort of different circumstances. I have an ex I am still friends with- I still see him in social settings with his now gf of 5 years- I've even been to parties at his place several times because we share a friend group. I'd NEVER go out with him and get smashed one on one. That would be disrespectful to his gf (whom I like and get along with)- he wouldn't do that to her and I have no desire to do it either. Why do I have no desire to do it? Because I don't have those romantic feelings for him anymore at all. The only reason I can think of for meeting up with an ex to get drunk is to continue a sexual relationship with them. Alcohol+ex+alone= bad news and most definitely sex.
FitChick Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I like to buy boyfriends little things, something they mentioned needing. One guy really liked the convenience of having a magnetic notepad on his refrigerator so he could jot down items he needed when he ran out. I had a hard time finding one but I did. He was so happy you'd have thought it was made of gold. It doesn't have to be expensive. "It's the thought that counts." I appreciate men who do the same. It shows they are thinking of me. Why not invite him to go along with you to socialize with your exes and their wives? Then when he's going to be with his ex, invite yourself along using the excuse, "Well, I introduced you to my exes. I have nothing to hide." Since he seems to think the ex was so perfect, ask him why they broke up. It will force him to remember that things weren't so rosy and be more realistic about her and you. If you have to do more than this, I'd say forget him and find someone better.
Author keithandlila Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 (edited) I like to buy boyfriends little things, something they mentioned needing. One guy really liked the convenience of having a magnetic notepad on his refrigerator so he could jot down items he needed when he ran out. I had a hard time finding one but I did. He was so happy you'd have thought it was made of gold. It doesn't have to be expensive. "It's the thought that counts." I appreciate men who do the same. It shows they are thinking of me. Why not invite him to go along with you to socialize with your exes and their wives? Then when he's going to be with his ex, invite yourself along using the excuse, "Well, I introduced you to my exes. I have nothing to hide." Since he seems to think the ex was so perfect, ask him why they broke up. It will force him to remember that things weren't so rosy and be more realistic about her and you. If you have to do more than this, I'd say forget him and find someone better. My boyfriend always hangs out with me and my exes and their partners. I actually DON'T WANT to meet my boyfriend's ex as I am very, very insecure. He has shown me photos of her and she was very attractive. Apparantely she is really nice and friendly and makes an effort with people. My bf said this to try and persuade me to go but it just put me off as I can be socially awkward at times for being really shy about meeting new people. My bf has since said he will no longer try to encourage me to come out with them as I always refuse and so he meets her alone in pubs so they can drink and 'catch up'. Am I in a no win situation here? Edited September 3, 2011 by keithandlila spelling bad
SelfControl Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Are the two of you exclusive? I assume so given the amount of time you have been together. If you are, how was the topic brought up and what was agreed upon? Regardless of whether you are exlusive or not, there's still a chance you can clear all this up, but you'll have to give up your exes too. You'll see as you read on. Personally, when the topic of being exlcusive (meaning bf and gf) comes up I ask her if she is in any type of communication with her exes, meaning phone calls, get togethers, texting, emails, voicemails, etc. If she says that she is still in contact with them, then we don't become bf and gf. We just continue dating, which means both of us are still free to date others. If she says she's not in contact with them, then we become bf and gf. Very straight forward. You see, if both parties wanted to be bf and gf then neither would have any problem giving up communication with their exes. After all, isn't each partner supposed to care more about the one their with now instead of the one they are no longer with? With that being said, that doesn't sound like the case in your situation. It sounds like you are both more interested in maintaining a 'friendship' with your exes than being with each other. So, as far as your situation goes, if you aren't exclusive yet, you could bring up the subject and make not communicating with your exes a condition of becoming exclusive. If you are exclusive already, then you two can have a nice calm 'sit down' discussion on how you believe that since you are exclusive neither one of you should be in contact with your exes. Then you can agree that from that point forward both of you will no longer have ANY more contact with your exes. This way neither of you would be considered a hypocrite and you two could focus soley on each other, your friends (who aren't exes) and your families. As far as you being incompatible, your just rationalizing because you don't like the situation with his ex. After all, you said yourself that the differences made things interesting at first. If the situation with the exes was different than you would most likely still think you were compatible. Focus on the real problem. And, yes, when I ask my potentially soon to be gf to cut all contact with her exes during the bf/gf talk, I do the same.
Author keithandlila Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 Thank you self control. I like the way you put your point across. You made it clear. However I am worried that by saying this I will drive my bf further away. Him and his ex were friends for about 10 years before they had a relationship and now according to him they are back as friends. How can I ask him to give up this when he's only known me for less than a year? Also I can't guarantee I won;t see my exes again. They are still friends with my friends and sometimes even visit my parents. How could this work?
SelfControl Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 (edited) KandL...let me add a disclaimer here. There are a lot of opinions here on LS, mine being just one of them. You just have to remember that people have different experiences that lead them to the advice they give. And even though they have the best intentions, it's ultimately up to you to decide what is best for you and your situation. Now back you...I realize that him being a friend for so long with his ex before they dated and you being friends with exes that you will eventually come in contact with makes things more challenging, but this can still work. You just need to sit down calmly, face-to-face, and talk about the situation. Two mature people should be able to compromise on a topic like this if they are both interested in seeing the relationship move forward. With that being said, let's say you both don't want to give up communicating with your exes, which would ultimately be the cleanest way to go IMO. But, given your circumstances with your exes it sounds like you think it would be too much too ask. So, instead of talking about giving up your exes you should talk about setting 'boundaries'. In other words, talk about what is acceptable behavior with an ex and what is not when it comes to communicating with them. This is going to be very complicated because of the different dynamics each of you have with your exes. He tends to have one-on-one type contact with his while you tend to have unavoidable type contact with yours. The point is that you both will need to sacrifice here in order for this to work. For example, let's say you suggest that you will stop comparing him to your exes in terms of gifts and romantic gestures and that you will do everything in your power to avoid seeing your exes when they are visiting your family and you are aware of it beforehand. On top of that, when your exes are visiting your family and you have to talk to them, you promise that it will only be small talk and you will keep the conversation as short as possible. And under no cirucumstances will you make plans for any type of activity with them, like going to their houses for dinner. (If they invite you over, even if their wives will be there, just say thank you very much but you are with your boyfriend now, you are exclusive and it wouldn't be right. If they are smart they, and their wives, will understand.) By making the gesture first (like Wezol posted, you need to lead by example or quit with the demands. Granted I think Wezol meant that you need to drop your exes first if you are going to ask him to drop his, but it applies here too as you are leading by example by suggesting first that you will curb how much and what type of contact you have with your exes.) you can then ask your bf to keep a similar 'friendly' relationship with his ex. You can suggest that he only contact his ex every once in a while (once a week, once a month, etc. It's up to you as to what is acceptable to you and by what method(s), text, email, phone, in person, etc. they can contact each other.) and make it clear that going out and drinking together with his ex, especially alone, crosses the line for you. (That, to me, seems like an obvious healthy boundary. I don't care how long they have known each other. This is one boundary that I would not compromise on if I were you. But, again, it's up to you.) The goal is to talk about this maturely and do your best to be fair, reasonable and respectful, which is what each of you deserve. Again, what you decide to do and what you decide you can live with are entirely up to you. Outside of trying to compromise and setting boundaries, the other options I can see are (1) you break up now (2) you let things go and risk building resentment towards each other, which will only lead to a break up later or (3) you continue down the path you are headed and hope the contact with both his and your exes diminishes over time. Of all the options given, which sounds the best to you? Also, you didn't answer my question. Are you two exclusive? Edited September 3, 2011 by SelfControl
Author keithandlila Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the detailed response there and yes, we are most definately exclusive. I have even (I hope!) persuaded him to move in with me in the new year. But OK now I'll sound possessive maybe - he not only spends time with his ex (only every month or so now though) but he also likes to see his friends once or twice a week. By this I mean he will go out with them in the evening and not want to come to visit me afterwards preferring to go home instead. I do think at least once a week with friends is a bit excessive in an exclusive relationship. He tells me that he needs his own friends and life outside the relationship and I agree to a degree. He can play football with his friends and he also plays squash and volleyball during the week but any more time apart just freaks me out. When you add that to drinking with friends once or twice a week AND seeing his ex once a month on top of that... My idea of exclusive is not only being faithful to each other but literally seeing each other exclusively, excluding all others - so in that sense, no, we are not because he still spends a considerable time away from me. Edited September 3, 2011 by keithandlila sp
SelfControl Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Based on your comment, "My idea of exclusive is not only being faithful to each other but literally seeing each other exclusively, excluding all others" IS possesive. It's basically saying that if he's not with you then he shouldn't be with anyone, family, friends, or even by himself. Does that sound fair or healthy to you? Also, how about quantifying how much is a 'considerable amount of time away from you'? In other words, how many times/nights do you see him on an average week? When you do see him, of many hours do you spend together?
wezol Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Having a life outside the relationship is a very healthy thing. Twice a week may be a little much, but once a week isn't too much by any means. My ex wife had her girls night once a week and I had my guys night once a week, and many do it this way. I will tell you this, the more possessive you come across about this, the more I will drive him away. Sit down and calmly say that you feel that twice may be a little excessive and would appreciate if y'all could try and come to an agreement. Also, if you sit down and but "blame" on him by saying things like "you alway", "you never" and things like that, will put most people immediately on the defensive. Instead say "I feel", "I'd like" and the such. Out the focus on how you feel, not how HE makes you feel, if that makes any sense.
Author keithandlila Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Based on your comment, "My idea of exclusive is not only being faithful to each other but literally seeing each other exclusively, excluding all others" IS possesive. It's basically saying that if he's not with you then he shouldn't be with anyone, family, friends, or even by himself. Does that sound fair or healthy to you? Also, how about quantifying how much is a 'considerable amount of time away from you'? In other words, how many times/nights do you see him on an average week? When you do see him, of many hours do you spend together? Part of my attitude towards exclusive relationships comes from what I know of his past relationship. His ex was, in my boyfriend's words, TOO easy going and would actually ENCOURAGE him to go and see his friends. He said this made him feel unwanted and not needed. When we met he said he needed a different type of relationship to the one he had before. One where each partner enjoys spending most of their time together. I am this way because this is how he wants me to be. We currently see each other every day. We work close by to each other so we meet each weekday for lunch or for a meak after work. Wednesday-Sunday he is normally at my house to sleep. So Mon-Tues he goes home. We spend all weekend together. He stays at my house all weekend. However typically on two worknights each week he likes to see his friends. I don't have a problem with this but he likes to see his friends alone. I have joined him on a few occasions and felt left out. I think he should be trying his best to include me by possibly steering the conversation away from 'boy's topics' to which I can't contribute to. When he's out with his friends I may visit family or just stay at home. I tell him I expect him to visit me after he's seen his friends and it makes my blood boil when he calls me to say he's going to his own home instead. EVEN when he is closer to where I live!!!I'd understand if he was meeting friends near where he lives but he rarely does this. Another thing is that he hates making any sort of plans in advance. For example it is my brother's birthday in two weekends time. We have been invited to stay the whole weekend with them which is a kind gesture. My boyfriend doesn't want to spend the whole weekend there and is only happy to stay one night. He seems unable to commit to a relationship with my family and this also makes me think we are not compatible. He has not yet asked me to stay with his parents - they live quite far away but a month ago he went to visit them without taking me and that led to our first big argument and to these feelings I have right now...
claire30 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 All I have to say is I was in the same situation and if that nagging feeling is not going away after 8 months than my advice is to reconsider your feelings for him. I broke up with my ex and now I realized why I had those nagging feelings..maybe you will too eventually..take some space and analyze. Also what helped me was writing in my journal everyday about the relationship..when I back to read it again, I saw things that I had the answer to my nagging feeling all along....try that! that might help too. Good luck
ja123 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Why not try being on your own for a while and reflecting? Here's a book on finding someone compatible the next time around: http://www.amazon.com/Are-You-One-Me-Avoiding/dp/0440506700/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1315144516&sr=8-1
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