annabanana85 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I met this guy that I'm dating in a club a month ago. In the beginning he was very passionate and romantic, constantly calling, taking me out on dates and buying me flowers. On our third date (within a week of knowing him) he even told me that he feels very strong for me and is falling in love. I freaked out after that and told me that maybe it is a bad idea for us to see eachother. It was the first time I met a guy in a club and I thought it would be weird to get into a relationship with a club guy. Also we are from very different backgrounds. He is a blue collar Eastern European immigrant who only hangs out with people from his country whereas I am a PhD student. We might also be at different points in our lives (he's 6 years older than me and was about to start a family with his ex-gf) and I thought that this would have led to difficulties. I voiced my concerns and we decided to continue with the relationship and everything seemed fine. In the past week or so, I felt like he does not pay so much attention to me anymore. We started seeing each other once a week and he came cold and distant during our meetings. And he was not responding to my texts and calls promptly which led me to have a confrontation with him yesterday. He basically told me that he just got out of a very serious 8 year relationship in which his live in girlfriend cheated on him and left with another guy. This was a year ago and he has not healed and he does not know if he is ready for a relationship. He is also from a different country and he mostly hangs out in his community and the fact that I am not from there makes him have some level of doubt about me. But he said that he feels very strongly for me and will perhaps never meet someone like me in the near future so he still wants to see me but keep things slow. What do you think I should do? Should I cut my losses and move on or give him time?
Eddie Edirol Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Sounds like it could be the truth, that doesnt happen very often. BUT this is complicated.... if you are really his rebound as he says, he most likely wont be able to fall for you if he still isnt over his ex yet. That might be a deep wound. But then again, when he said he was falling for you, you backed off, so you could have cooled off the iron while it was hot. Once someone thinks you might never be on the same page as them, they might lose that spark. Whatever the case, he started getting distant, and that might be a slow breakup. hard to tell since he told you straight up that youre a rebound. I say cut your losses, he already brought up the incompatibilities between you two that might be a problem in the future.
Author annabanana85 Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 So he came to see me yesterday and we had a long conversation. He said that he really likes me and I could feel that he is sincere. In the end we both decided that we should take a break because he needs time to think if he is ready for a relationship with me. I told him that I will not contact him and wait for him to initiate contact once he has evaluated his situation. Do you think I should mentally move on? Is there a strong chance that he will want to be with me after thinking about the situation or is this relationship doomed?
country_gurl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Also we are from very different backgrounds. He is a blue collar Eastern European immigrant who only hangs out with people from his country whereas I am a PhD student. We might also be at different points in our lives (he's 6 years older than me and was about to start a family with his ex-gf) and I thought that this would have led to difficulties. You're asking if you should mentally move on or not; are you forgetting the above? He is also from a different country and he mostly hangs out in his community and the fact that I am not from there makes him have some level of doubt about me. Are you forgetting the above fact? Seems you have a lot of major differences; your cultures, your stages in life (you are younger and still finishing your education and he's at a stage where he was ready to start a family), the fact that he's admittedly not over his ex of 8 years, etc. I would vote that you move on and not wait for him. By the way, in your original post you only posted about the negatives; nothing about anything positive. Why would you even want to be with him? Is it just a case where maybe you were used to him chasing you but when he backed off it made you want him more?
Author annabanana85 Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 I actually really like him. He is a very nice guy and we have a lot of fun together and I like his personality and sense of humor. I mostly listed the negatives because I was doubtful about those qualities and thought that they might hinder the relationship from progressing. Do you think that there is a big chance that he will decide against the relationship?
bluenightowl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I actually really like him. He is a very nice guy and we have a lot of fun together and I like his personality and sense of humor. I mostly listed the negatives because I was doubtful about those qualities and thought that they might hinder the relationship from progressing. Do you think that there is a big chance that he will decide against the relationship? Funny I was just going to start a thread on this very topic of picking up again after a break.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I actually really like him. He is a very nice guy and we have a lot of fun together and I like his personality and sense of humor. I mostly listed the negatives because I was doubtful about those qualities and thought that they might hinder the relationship from progressing. Do you think that there is a big chance that he will decide against the relationship? I think you should mentally move on. If he is trying to get over his ex, hes not ready. He is still thinking of her. Mainly, if he needs to be away from you to think, then he doesnt miss you right now, and it will take months for him to develop a spark for you again. You cant force the spark, it has to be organic, and he cant do that if youre waiting for him, he has to earn it.
Author annabanana85 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 I think you should mentally move on. If he is trying to get over his ex, hes not ready. He is still thinking of her. Mainly, if he needs to be away from you to think, then he doesnt miss you right now, and it will take months for him to develop a spark for you again. You cant force the spark, it has to be organic, and he cant do that if youre waiting for him, he has to earn it. The thing is he is over his ex but he does not know whether he is ready for another long term relationship. The ex cheated on him after 8 years of being together when they already had plans to start a family; so it was a big deal. He also went bankrupt last year and is now having a career change and considering going back to school. So he is at a major transition point in his life. He says that he has a huge spark for me and expressed that it would be really hard for him to stop contact with me and that he cannot stop thinking about me. I kind of insisted on the break so that he would take time to reflect on what he wants. Do you think this relationship is doomed?
bluenightowl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 The thing is he is over his ex but he does not know whether he is ready for another long term relationship. The ex cheated on him after 8 years of being together when they already had plans to start a family; so it was a big deal. He also went bankrupt last year and is now having a career change and considering going back to school. So he is at a major transition point in his life. He says that he has a huge spark for me and expressed that it would be really hard for him to stop contact with me and that he cannot stop thinking about me. I kind of insisted on the break so that he would take time to reflect on what he wants. Do you think this relationship is doomed? No, the relationship isn't doomed, but you're flip flopping. I think you give him a break and then not worry if he calls or not for now, but keep in light-touch.
Author annabanana85 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 So it's been 3 days and still no word from him Should I contact him or should I just forget about it and move on
bluenightowl Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 So it's been 3 days and still no word from him Should I contact him or should I just forget about it and move on 3 days is nothing. But what do you want? A break from him, or to date him. My guess is that you should believe his words that he is not over his ex, and still needs time to mentally feel good about himself. I would just keep in touch lightly and build the trust slowly. hangout sometimes, but not too much. It could also be classic rebound behaviour - the hot and cold, then hot again. The thing about rebounders and people who have to heal emotionally is they are unpredictable. You might be getting a glimpse of what a relationship with him might be like at the moment. I would be very careful with your emotions. I can see his changing behaviour is already stressing you a bit.
Author annabanana85 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Tired of waiting, so I sent him a msg saying that it was nice to know him but that I dont think a relationship between us is going to work out and that it is stupid to wait. He has not responded . Should I call him just to bring closure?
bluenightowl Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Tired of waiting, so I sent him a msg saying that it was nice to know him but that I dont think a relationship between us is going to work out and that it is stupid to wait. He has not responded . Should I call him just to bring closure? Definitely call him. Its never good to end things with an email or txt message.
LSgirl Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Im keeping this short bc im on my phone. My bf was engaged with his ex of 8years and ready to start a family, she cheated and broke up. We got together 3mo after they broke up, too fast but we decided to be together. First mobth was great then he got distant saying he was still hurting and didnt think he was ready. The 2nd month was rocky. We broje up and we didnt keep any contact. After five days he emailed and i ignored 6th day he tried talking again and i called him. We gotback together and have been together 8 months total. Im sure he still hurts but we r doing great now. Except one thing, he hasnt said he loves me but i understand hes taking it slow. Just wanted to tell a differebt side.
Author annabanana85 Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 So I met up with him on Saturday after talking to him on the phone for four hours on Friday. We spent the whole day together and he was very sweet. But at the end after dropping me home he said that he does not want to spend the night and wants to be alone . He started getting really emotional and cried and said that he really iikes me and has strong feelings but does not know if he is ready for a relationship. He said he wanted to pause everything and was scared to lose me but that it would be unfair for him to ask me to wait. So I guess we are taking a month break now with no contact for him to clear his head . He said that he definitely will not be looking for other girls but he has to decide whether he has to be single for a while or be with me I'm really confused. What do you guys think about this?
coolheadal Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Sounds like something else is up and he's not telling you about it. Best to get out of this now before you really get too involved with this type of guy. Maybe it's a health issue he's not disclosing with you could be anything, but at least you know where you stand with him. Your young there are more guys out there who will want to be with you. Take your time to find the next one.
Author annabanana85 Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 What kind of issue could it be? I really cant think about anything
coolheadal Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 What kind of issue could it be? I really cant think about anything Ask him if you want too? He's crying and acting strange that means there is something else a foot going on with him. He should come clean with you? Did he and the other chick have a kid together?
Author annabanana85 Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 No they didnt have a kid together. They were together for 8 years and were living together; they even have a house together. She left him for a guy that she met in a club. Although I found it kind of strange that they hadn't gotten married yet after 8 years. Maybe he has commitment issues? or maybe health problems? infertility? I have asked him to no avail. He just says that he really really likes me and that I'm the perfect girl for him but he has to decide whether he needs to be single for a while . I'm really confused now
coolheadal Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 No they didnt have a kid together. They were together for 8 years and were living together; they even have a house together. She left him for a guy that she met in a club. Although I found it kind of strange that they hadn't gotten married yet after 8 years. Maybe he has commitment issues? or maybe health problems? infertility? I have asked him to no avail. He just says that he really really likes me and that I'm the perfect girl for him but he has to decide whether he needs to be single for a while . I'm really confused now Well give him space, and you need to move on.. Unless you want to wait it out but that would be nonsense to do after reading the above back from you about him and his ex after 8 years.
Mr Right 101 Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I think this is way to hard for the begining of a relationship...he probably is being honest when he says that he likes you and you are the perfect girl for him, but 8 years is a long time and he is going to be hurt and take a long time to get ready for another relationship. Seems like a lot of baggage and if you end up together be prepared for him to be parnoid or insecure to avoid getting hurt and cheated like that again. You dont want to be compared to the ex. There are plenty of other guys out there I think you should move on...
Author annabanana85 Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 Do you think that it could be since he got screwed over by his ex he does not trust girls and maybe he wants to try a 1-month break to see if I will wait for him? Also should I txt him every couple of days to let him know that I'm thinking about him?
FitChick Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Also should I txt him every couple of days to let him know that I'm thinking about him? You sound desperate for a boyfriend. A guy says he likes you a lot and you disregard everything else. Are you unattractive? Why would someone highly educated want to be with a blue collar worker who recently went bankrupt and wouldn't marry a woman he lived with for eight years and who still owns a house with her? You must be a glutton for punishment. All of your differences will only cause problems later when you are even more involved. Now you have a schoolgirl crush. Meet someone better through your university social circle. Perhaps avail yourself of the counseling center.
Author annabanana85 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 I have been told many times that I am actually very attractive and I dont think that Im desperate for a boyfriend. I get approached by guys all time and Im in fact very selective. I really liked this guy and my affection for him grew very strong as I spent more and more time with him. In fact he is the first guy for whom i have developed such strong feelings and thus I am very upset at how the situation has panned out.
Author annabanana85 Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 So I finally caved in and sent him a romantic text message two nights ago letting him know that I'm really thinking about him and that I really like him and want to be together. He still has not responded. I feel terrible. I think he's just not that into me. Should I break it off before I get more involved?
Recommended Posts