TJ904 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 We've known each other for 4 years (coworkers until I left the company), and dated for a year now. Things were and have always been very romantic, passionate, etc. Due to our schedules, we didn't see each other often (once or twice a week) but we kept in touch almost daily. He often said our time together was sheer bliss, and it was. It was the most romantic, passionate, loving experience either one of us had ever had, and as the year went by, it actually kept getting better. From the start, he'd tell me he never wanted to get married or live with anyone. So I knew that. Fair enough. For the most part, this issue really didn't impact our relationship, and he'd often tell me that if we'd met sooner in life, he'd have married me in a second but now at his age, (he's 62, I'm 48) marriage isn't in the cards for him (us). Ok, I get that. During the year with me, he has been telling me: he loves me (often), he wants to be with me forever, I'm the highlight of his life, he's the luckiest man in the world to be with me..... and more. Each time we're together, and by email, I get nonstop compliments about me from head to toe physically, telling me how much he cares for me, that he's surprised he'd fall in love at his age, that I'm perfect, there will never be another woman for him, that he's never wanted a woman more than me, that if only we'd met sooner---- think of something romantic and endearing, and he either said it or emailed it (or both). This has gone on for an entire year. Sometimes we'd tease about being married, but that was lighthearted and playful. He'd also tell me his walls were coming down, and I'd made him a better man, and also that with me he felt he grew a heart. A pretty devastating thing happened to me last week when he was out of town (I didn't get a chance to talk about it with him), and left me really shaken, sort of questioning life, if you know the feeling. To be honest, I was a somewhat stand-offish toward him when he returned, and gave him some very serious "hints" that our relationship was over, but we'd need to meet to talk. (my fault) I asked if we could just take a step back for a bit, to let me catch my breath. Knowing he had no intention of "being with me" in any permanent way, and feeling so upset about things in my life, I then took the conversation to a place I didn't really want to go-- a complete downward spiral, crashing and burning. As we talked about ending it due to his inability to have something permanent with me, he tells me he never loved me and was only telling me what I wanted to hear!!! He was denying everything he said. I was dumbfounded. Week after week, month after month he's been telling me he loves me. And not just by saying three words, but he's told me in many different ways. Words, actions, the way he'd treat me, the look in his eyes, his unwavering desire for me, etc. I never doubted his feelings. So he sat there trying to convince me that after all this time- a year of non-stop compliments and declarations of his feelings- he never meant anything he said (as far as his feelings/loving me). He said saying "I love you" was just what I wanted to hear, and he obliged. He then tried to say I knew he didn't mean any of it, and I should have known he'd be an ahole, that kind of thing. He also said he knew it would be a matter of time before I wanted something he couldn't give, so he wasn't "surprised" that I was ending it. On one hand I think it was a very bad reaction to my wanting to end it-- it was like he wanted to say the worst thing ever to hurt me back. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he really meant it? At the end of our talk, he seemed somewhat convinced we'd pick up were we left off, like all this would blow over and we'd be back to "bliss" again. But when I cried and was in such a state of shock over his words, I could tell he was thinking "uh oh". We've had a couple of very minor upsets before that were resolved quickly but this time it feels like we both went too far. We've been in touch (email), and it's almost as if nothing happened. I guess I'm looking for opinions. I don't know what to believe now. The year-long history with a romantic, loving man.... or the 3 hour conversation with him trying to tell me he never loved me. Why would be do that? Can a man really pretend to love you for a year and not? What do I do now?
Zaphod B Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 As I was reading your story it seemed to me he was insincere right from the start. A man his age finds a woman that seems to be so perfect for him, yet he still won't commit to you by taking your relationship to the next level? A man who probably doesn't have too many more opportunities to find love? I really have to seriously wonder whether he was playing you. A year does not seem to be that long really and if he's having good sex and good company then he'll try to keep it for as long as he wants it, I think, and continue to play the game.
Besmy Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Dear TJ904, 1. there are people out there like me (and I am a woman) who really have no intentions to get married. Ever. Simply not interested in signing the legal agreement. This does not mean that we cannot love and commit to a single person, it's only about the legal agreement. He told you right from the start that he wanted to keep his freedom and apparently you were ok with it. But now it seems that you were not. If you want to get married you should invest time in relationships where you know that the other person also wants to get married at some point. It's good that you realised what you really wanted from the relationship, it wasn't the same as what he wanted. 2. I believe he did love you, at his age I wouldn't expect him to play silly games any more. Since you initiated the break up, I believe he probably decided to punish you in the only way possible, that is telling you that anyway he never loved you. That was his way to vent his justified anger. Again, since you initiated the break up, you couldn't possibly expect him to be happy about it. 3. As for what to do now, if you still love him get in touch with him and try to mend it. Again, don't expect him to change his mind about marriage because he won't. Good luck!
TheDovic Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Hmmm, it sounds to me like he might have had some abandonment issues, i.e. if he doesn't commit then you can't leave him. But then when you did leave him these feelings were probably triggered once again and he was protecting himself by convincing both himself and you that he didn't love you. I think it's pretty clear from what you have written that he did love you, but he appears to have some issues.
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