You'reasian Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I feel like I am open about my feelings with him. and I plan on talking to him about it soon. I guess the reason I'm only dropping hints is because I don't want to pressure him into anything. I don't want to be one of those women that seem obsessed with marriage. Marriage is so much more to me than being "Mrs. Whoever", I think it's about true love and making the ultimate commitment. and the reason I'm worried about it is because it seems like we should be taking that next step by now. and you're right...so I'm definitely going to bring it up soon, instead of just dropping hints. Sounds like the two of you have reached the committed relationship phase, which is a good thing. Ask yourself: "Why isn't he taking the next step?" rather ask him. I can be blunt at times, I don't know your BF, but if I felt there was something that was stopping us from being functionally together in the long run, I'd tell you. He maybe different?
Avery Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 You need to decide what it is about your relationship that is making you insecure without the ring. Is it that you sacrificed your job for him? Does that loss of independance make you feel unbalanced in the relationship since you aren't married? If so, then say so. NOT an ultimatum, just an honest statement of facts. Let him know that if you aren't engaged by *insert date* and a date set by *insert date* , then you will be re-entering the job market. Stress that you are NOT breaking up with him, by any means. That he can take the time he needs, and you are happy to wait, but in the meantime, these are things that you need to do so that you DON'T become needy and insecure. You need these things for YOU to maintain your independance and self worth. Presented that way, I don't see how he can have a problem with that. He isn't losing you, or even being threatened with losing you. He's just being informed that you are going back to work to pursue your career while he decides what he wants.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 It's been a really long time, and if I've made the decision that I would marry him (and I did, long ago) why can't he make the same one about me? Sometimes I think that maybe he is just so comfortable in the relationship and is so used to being taken care of that he just wants to keep it going so he won't be alone... but doesn't want to marry me, maybe he thinks there's something better out there...? maybe we're not meant to be? I don't know. Have you ever asked him how HE felt about marriage? How he sees it? See, you have to find out how HE feels about it and try to see it from his point of view. You want that ring on your finger, and you want the whole romantic gesture, but for many guys, logically, its a big waste of time. Its a womans day, the guy doesnt even want/need to be there. Its not really romantic for guys, theres tons of paperwork, pre-marriage counceling, endless planning, moody stressed out bride, back and forth to courthouses, its a complete pain in the ass. If it was just: slide the ring on and you changed your last name, guys wouldnt have a problem with it. Guys are usually pressured into it, so that the first big turn off to marriage, and then if you decide to cheat and leave him, (which commitment or not, you still can) he loses half his dough. He might not know in his heart that you wont leave him out the blue. He also might not know if he can bring a pre-nup to you or not, because for many women, that ruins the romance of the whole gesture - then theres the dependence factor - like yours. Marriage is a lose-lose for men, and that might be why he hasnt initiated it. Emotion-wise, he might feel he gets nothing from it, because youre still the same person after marriage. So far, from what youve posted, its been all about how you feel about marriage, and not about how HE feels about it. Sounds kinda selfish to me that you havent even stated that you asked him what his true feelings are about marriage in general.
Forever Learning Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Have you ever asked him how HE felt about marriage? How he sees it? See, you have to find out how HE feels about it and try to see it from his point of view. You want that ring on your finger, and you want the whole romantic gesture, but for many guys, logically, its a big waste of time. Its a womans day, the guy doesnt even want/need to be there. Its not really romantic for guys, theres tons of paperwork, pre-marriage counceling, endless planning, moody stressed out bride, back and forth to courthouses, its a complete pain in the ass. If it was just: slide the ring on and you changed your last name, guys wouldnt have a problem with it. Guys are usually pressured into it, so that the first big turn off to marriage, and then if you decide to cheat and leave him, (which commitment or not, you still can) he loses half his dough. He might not know in his heart that you wont leave him out the blue. He also might not know if he can bring a pre-nup to you or not, because for many women, that ruins the romance of the whole gesture - then theres the dependence factor - like yours. Marriage is a lose-lose for men, and that might be why he hasnt initiated it. Emotion-wise, he might feel he gets nothing from it, because youre still the same person after marriage. So far, from what youve posted, its been all about how you feel about marriage, and not about how HE feels about it. Sounds kinda selfish to me that you havent even stated that you asked him what his true feelings are about marriage in general. Makes sense to me, all valid points. Then there is always the 'sh*t or get off the pot' factor. Some folks are crippled and unable to make a move in things in life like this, unless they are forced to make a decision one way or another. So in that respect, once you (OP) get tired enough of sitting around and twiddling your thumbs on all this, you will make your move and thereby jolt him into making his, one way or another. Marriage is an institution that has been around for thousands of years. Its a part of civilization. Some don't partake of it, some do. If you want to get married, it might be 'sh*t or get off the pot' time for you first. Make your move, throw down an ultimatum, see how it all pans out. Be ready either way mentally for either answer and to move on if necessary. Good luck.
LittleTiger Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 oh my gosh Little Tiger thank you! It was such a relief to not see any more of posterchild's rude comments. I know I may be ridiculous asking for stranger's opinions, but I really didn't know what else to do. All my family and friends are obviously always on my side and they sugarcoat everything instead of being frank and honest. You're welcome jessiel It isn't ridiculous asking for strangers opinions at all. LS wouldn't even be here if it was. I do hope that you talk to your bf about marriage and what you want out of your relationship. Let us all know how you get on.
phillyfan Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I've been living with my bf for 3 years (been together 4)...I have sacrificed my job in order to live with him, so I depend on him financially. We have briefly discussed marriage before and he says he wants to eventually, and he knows I want to. But the most serious discussion about it was a year ago, since then it's only been brief- little hints and things...nothing huge. and still...nothing. I don't know what is stopping him- he has a lot of money, he is 29 years old, he evidently wants marriage, we have lived together for 3 years, so he knows everything about me...and in addition to that, I quit work so I can follow him with his job and live with him...what's the problem??? Dude it mite b romantic 2 b proposed 2 but as a dude, mayb he is more practical. Marriage ain't all about romance it's about Bein together til U DIE, it's about knowin u r gona be the mom 2 his kids it's about him knowin he has kids 2 support, it's some big serious SH*t rite there. And it's great but even Now u aint earnin, mayb he feels pressure 2 carry a family wen he still wants 2 go out n have fun, n enjoy the cash he works hard 4. Wat I am sayin is dont break the guys balls if he ain't ready, if he ain't ready it mite b because he takes marriage serious n knows what a huge deal it is. U need a guy that ain't all about bein the big man n puttin a sparkler on ur hand u need a man who says this is 4 real n I need 2 b reddy 2 step up 2 d plate. U can rush that sh*t.
Avihenda Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I've been living with my bf for 3 years (been together 4)...I have sacrificed my job in order to live with him, so I depend on him financially. We have briefly discussed marriage before and he says he wants to eventually, and he knows I want to. But the most serious discussion about it was a year ago, since then it's only been brief- little hints and things...nothing huge. and still...nothing. I don't know what is stopping him- he has a lot of money, he is 29 years old, he evidently wants marriage, we have lived together for 3 years, so he knows everything about me...and in addition to that, I quit work so I can follow him with his job and live with him...what's the problem??? Your resentment reads loud and clear. If he has cold feet and isn't budging then you need to have a plan B. Otherwise you decide: You love this man and want to be with him OR you want a husband. I was with a man for 13 years. At first he said marriage was an eventual plan after A, B and C were accomplished. There were limitations placed and they were firm. I decided I wanted to be with him (without marriage) because I loved him. After all was said and done, we never married, split up and now I have nothing while he enjoys the house we built together. I'm not saying your situation is the same, but if you really want a husband then consider that you need to be working toward that goal and not depending on this man who seems to have icebergs on his feet. Get a job, move out and say you're willing to continue seeing him on YOUR terms. Please don't let yourself fall into the trap of depending on a man who really isn't meeting your needs or expectations.
phillyfan Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Have you ever asked him how HE felt about marriage? How he sees it? See, you have to find out how HE feels about it and try to see it from his point of view. You want that ring on your finger, and you want the whole romantic gesture, but for many guys, logically, its a big waste of time. Its a womans day, the guy doesnt even want/need to be there. Its not really romantic for guys, theres tons of paperwork, pre-marriage counceling, endless planning, moody stressed out bride, back and forth to courthouses, its a complete pain in the ass. If it was just: slide the ring on and you changed your last name, guys wouldnt have a problem with it. Guys are usually pressured into it Dude this is tru, the mind of a man. I feel like this, it dont mean I dont love a woman tho, I cud be wit a girl foreva n not marry her, but id stil love n respect her n want 2 treat her rite. 4 me, I aint neva gonna marry until I want kids with the rite girl.
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