jessiel Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I've been living with my bf for 3 years (been together 4)...I have sacrificed my job in order to live with him, so I depend on him financially. We have briefly discussed marriage before and he says he wants to eventually, and he knows I want to. But the most serious discussion about it was a year ago, since then it's only been brief- little hints and things...nothing huge. and still...nothing. I don't know what is stopping him- he has a lot of money, he is 29 years old, he evidently wants marriage, we have lived together for 3 years, so he knows everything about me...and in addition to that, I quit work so I can follow him with his job and live with him...what's the problem???
SummerLady Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I've been living with my bf for 3 years (been together 4)...I have sacrificed my job in order to live with him, so I depend on him financially. We have briefly discussed marriage before and he says he wants to eventually, and he knows I want to. But the most serious discussion about it was a year ago, since then it's only been brief- little hints and things...nothing huge. and still...nothing. I don't know what is stopping him- he has a lot of money, he is 29 years old, he evidently wants marriage, we have lived together for 3 years, so he knows everything about me...and in addition to that, I quit work so I can follow him with his job and live with him...what's the problem??? I have seen this sceanrio before and quite honestly I do not like it. I understand that this is a big decision but from my point of view and personality this is a cut and dry situation, you either want to get married or you don't. The middle ground seems spineless and I do not like people who are wishy washy about major decisions. I am not saying to make a decision fast or make one to make one but after this amount of time what is there to really think about? I am not you but I would put a time limit on this. That does not mean give him an ultimatum or time limit. Give yourself one and at that time bring it up again and if the answer is well maybe one day, pack up and move on. Your time is valuable, why is he calling all the shots. Speak up or shut up..No offense.
CarrieT Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 The problem is that you gave him everything he wanted and didn't keep anything for yourself and now you are stuck. Start to take things back; your job, your self esteem, your life. Don't live for this man, but for yourself. Since you are not getting what you want, it is time to re-evaluate what will make you happy and move in that direction.
LittleTiger Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 He won't marry you because he doesn't need to! You're already his 'wife' without any of the legal ramifications. If marriage is important to you, you'll need to make it very clear that the current status quo isn't acceptable to you - he doesn't know that yet because, whatever you might have said in the past, you're acting as though it is acceptable. Most importantly, you need to reclaim your independence, otherwise he's going to be calling all the shots indefinitely.
make me believe Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 The problem is that you gave him everything he wanted and didn't keep anything for yourself and now you are stuck. Start to take things back; your job, your self esteem, your life. Don't live for this man, but for yourself. Since you are not getting what you want, it is time to re-evaluate what will make you happy and move in that direction. This is great advice. I also agree with LittleTiger: you are already playing the role of the wife without him actually having to marry you, so it's no surprise that he's not in any hurry to change things & make it legal. I'm confused about how you could be together for 4 years and living together for 3 without EVER having a serious talk about marriage. I'm not sure you can really complain too much if all you've done is drop little hints here & there. For all he knows, you're perfectly satisfied with the situation as is. You need to sit him down and have an honest, straight-forward talk about your future. Tell him what you want, what your general timeline is, and find out if he is on the same page as you. If he gets wishy-washy or vague ("Yeah babe I totally want to marry you someday! In a few years when I've done xyz and traveled to abc....") then that's basically all you need to know. Honestly, you really should have brought this up sooner if marriage is important to you. Definitely before quiting your job, moving in with him, and becoming completely financially dependent on him. After four years if he hasn't proposed and never talks about marriage other than he wants to "eventually," things don't look too good from my perspective.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 He knows he doesnt need to marry you when you depend on him. BTW, he has no intention on marrying you or he would have been more enthusiastic about it. So you might as well break it off if you think you need to be married that badly.
Osiris1234 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Or he could be afraid to marry you. Im not surprised though since 60% of divorces are initiated by women these days and that it happens quite alot. Also he won't get screwed over since the courts are so biased against men in divorce court.
LittleTiger Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 No, you quit work because you preferred to be supported by your boyfriend rather than support yourself. This kind of comment is completely unnecessary. Unless you know this woman personally (which presumably you don't) you have no idea what their living/working situation is or even if it's possible for her to hold down a job with their particular lifestyle. If you have issues about some woman sponging off you, keep it to yourself and stop projecting them onto other innocent people.
Author jessiel Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 I'm confused about how you could be together for 4 years and living together for 3 without EVER having a serious talk about marriage. I'm not sure you can really complain too much if all you've done is drop little hints here & there. For all he knows, you're perfectly satisfied with the situation as is. You need to sit him down and have an honest, straight-forward talk about your future. Tell him what you want, what your general timeline is, and find out if he is on the same page as you. If he gets wishy-washy or vague ("Yeah babe I totally want to marry you someday! In a few years when I've done xyz and traveled to abc....") then that's basically all you need to know. We have talked about marriage. I just said that the most serious discussion we had was around a year and a half ago. He said he wanted to, but the thing is, he has a secure job and he's done "xyz" and traveled to "abc" (that's pretty much his job) and still no engagement, no ring, nothing. I drop hints here and there sometimes and we've discussed it a little since then but nothing serious. I don't want to give him an ultimatum and I'm not just dying to get married. However I am the marrying type, I eventually want a family and kids... he knows that. And I think that when you are truly in love, if you're old enough with a good job and financially set, then you get married and make the ultimate commitment. I know there are people out there that don't believe in marriage and all that, but I do... I think that falling in love with the right person and promising to love them until "death do us part" is very romantic. And it just bothers me that my bf, knowing this about me, still hasn't proposed after 4 years. I love him and I'm not okay with "just living with him" but I'm going to put 100% into a relationship, and he brought up the idea and I agreed. Thank you for your advice by the way.
Author jessiel Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 OP wants us to believe that she was somehow forced to quit working out of some notion of self-sacrifice which is ridiculous. If she wants to work she can work. She needs to get a job. So, because she's a woman, that means she's incapable of working. There's no such thing as a "lifestyle" in which people are simply allowed not to work and sponge off someone else. If you want a "lifestyle" then get a job. No you're obviously the one with "issues." You believe that women are entitled to blow off working and sponge off their partners, because they're women, and can turn around and claim they are "sacrificing" for the relationship. I was not forced to quit work and I wasn't trying to make anyone believe that. His job has him out of the state for 6-7 months out of the year. He brought up the idea of me living with him "year round", I guess you could say, instead of just visiting him during that time period. The only way I could do that was to quit my job. So yes, I SACRIFICED my job for our relationship, because I love him and want to be with him. Also, just because I don't have a job does not mean I am lazy. I keep our house clean, I do volunteer work, I don't just sit around and wait for him to come home.
Author jessiel Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Yet you've been living with him for four years? No. Living together 3 years. Dating 4. Keep up.
xxoo Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 ..what's the problem??? How could we know? You live with him....ask him! You don't have to give an ultimatum. Just ask him, directly (no hints), "How do you feel about us getting married next year?" And then listen to what he says. If you aren't able to have an open discussion about your feelings about getting married, you aren't ready to get married. This is an EASY topic. Just wait until you are married, and you have to discuss that hard stuff!
Author jessiel Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 And all she seems to be focused on is that he is financially set, his finances are in order, he has a good job/career....man if it comes across so strong on the internet it obviously must come through loud and clear to OP's bf. She's also nasty when she wants to be ("keep up") which is not a very attractive trait either. Odds are she has probably cheated on this guy at some point in their relationship and he either knows about it or suspects it and doesn't trust her. Honestly OP can you truthfully say you haven't dated other men or fooled around or sexted during all that free time you have when he's working and earning a living for the both of you? You sound just like that type who would. I can be nasty and so can you. Have you read all this stuff you're putting on here? You're the only one on this whole forum with a crappy attitude. There are other ways you could tell me that "I need to get a job" or "have my own source of income" without being such a jerk. So if you're going to continue posting your opinions, you need to KEEP UP and have your facts straight. No I'm not only focused on the fact that he is financially set, but if I hadn't added that I would have gotten tons of replies saying "maybe he wants to be financially set first." Just like how I stated that he was 29 years old. Did you really need to know that? No, but that just saved people from saying "maybe he doesn't think you guys are old enough". The only one obsessed with his "being financially set" is you. I love him for him, not his job or his money. And you may be different than me, but when I love someone, I am completely loyal to them. The only person I would ever consider "sexting" is my bf and only my bf. I had a job for the first 2 1/2 years of us dating. I lived with him while he was in our home-state and visited when he was away. My job wasn't great and HE brought up the idea of me quitting and living with him year round. By the way, what is your problem? You don't know me. When you meet people are you just an automatic a-hole from the get-go or what?
Author jessiel Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Thanks for the clarification and I guess I will be expecting an apology from Little Tiger then. Even if you had to leave whatever job you were at, at the time, to be in a relationship with him, that's no excuse at all for being unemployed for several years. Not several years, more like 1 and a half. "Sacrificed" seems to contradict what you just said about not wanting anyone to think you were "forced" to quit working. So now you're saying it's impossible for you to work, at all? Sorry but I just don't buy that. You're right, maybe I should have used something other than "sacrificed" I'm not saying it's impossible for me to work. I'm saying it's unnecessary if he brought the whole idea up in the first place just so I could live and travel with him.
make me believe Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I don't see a problem with you not working since it's what you both agreed upon, except for the fact that you did it without any clear understanding about what is in store for you guys in the future. Now you've put yourself in a really bad position because you are most likely unable to financially leave him even if you decide that's what's best for you. I've been in this situation myself. Eventually I found myself in the position of wanting to get out of a relationship that wasn't good for either of us (long story short), but not knowing logistically where I would go & how I would support myself. It was a terrible feeling. I would NEVER EVER do that again. Like you, I was not content to just live with my ex & play the part of his wife without actually being his wife. I totally agree with you about marriage and making the ultimate commitment to the one you love! I think maybe since your last serious talk about it was a year & a half ago, perhaps your BF just doesn't know exactly how much this means to you. I know you probably think that because you told him back then, he should know. Or because it's been four years, he should know. But a lot of guys just get complacent when their girlfriend moves in with them. They love what they have & they don't feel the need to rock the boat or change things up. So you need to bring it up, in a clear way. I would have a couple beers or glasses of wine () and then just freakin spill it! "We've been together this long, we've started building a life together, I want to actually BE your wife instead of playing the part of your wife." Tell him you are no longer comfortable relying on him financially without some sort of official commitment. Because, seriously, it's a precarious situation for you. Be direct & honest, and be willing to hear what he's saying and not make excuses for him if it's not exactly what you want to hear. I know how scary that is.. but your guy sounds like he must be a good one if it's lasted this long.. it's totally possible that he's just gotten WAY too comfy with you.
LittleTiger Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Thanks for the clarification and I guess I will be expecting an apology from Little Tiger then. An apology!!! I'm reporting you for harassing the OP!
DaisyLeigh Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Sounds like the "free milk and the cow" theory.
HeavenOrHell Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 You come across as incredibly bitter, spiteful and judgemental, your posts are quite stunning Thanks for the clarification and I guess I will be expecting an apology from Little Tiger then. Even if you had to leave whatever job you were at, at the time, to be in a relationship with him, that's no excuse at all for being unemployed for several years. "Sacrificed" seems to contradict what you just said about not wanting anyone to think you were "forced" to quit working. So now you're saying it's impossible for you to work, at all? Sorry but I just don't buy that. Actually that's exactly what it means. Honey plenty of people have full time jobs and ALSO clean their homes AND do volunteer work AND even raise children, all at the same time. And other stuff as well. Frankly it sounds as if you are very lazy.
xxoo Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 jessiel, ignore the poster who is being nasty. You can use the "ignore" feature to block those posts entirely. And it just bothers me that my bf, knowing this about me, still hasn't proposed after 4 years. I love him and I'm not okay with "just living with him" You should communicate these feelings and concerns to your bf. Clearly (no hints). Just like you've said it to us, total strangers, say it to him! I have a feeling you are fearful--fearful of pressuring him, fearful of hearing an answer you don't want to hear. Don't live in fear. Live in trust. Trust that he is strong enough to be true to himself (not feel pressured by a conversation). Trust that you will be better off knowing his true feelings, whatever they are.
make me believe Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 OP used her bf's original "don't worry about a job you can come live with me and I'll support you" as an excuse or carte blanche for her to never have to work, ever, again. I don't know any person, man or woman, who would accept such an attitude as attractive or desirable in someone they had any intention of marrying. Yes obviously during a transitional period in a committed relationship, one of the partners may have to quit their job and not be working for a while. We all "get" that but most of us "get" that it doesn't mean "You never have to ever work again because I promise to support you financially FOREVER." They obviously never had that conversation and while marriage has been toyed with from time to time surely OP needs to realize that neither her attitude towards her obligation to finanically support the relationship nor her actions over time is going to be attractive to a potential spouse. I dunno, I can think of a few couples I know who have an arrangement where the husband works & the wife stays at home. Even without kids, there is no expectation of her working because they don't need the additional income and the husband is happy to that provide for them. A lot of men get a lot of pleasure from providing monetarily for their wife & family. Similarly, a lot of women get a lot of pleasure from nurturing their family & being a homemaker. In a marriage I think that is fine. But I think it's a mistake to become financially dependent on just a boyfriend. You don't know that the OP's boyfriend is turned off by her not working. You're making a LOT of assumptions based on your own personal opinion. I'm thinking that the OP's boyfriend is a big boy and if he had a problem with her not working or was bitter about supporting the two of them, he would say something to her about it.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 There are certainly successful and happy couples where it's mutually agreed upon that only one person works outside the home. This in no way signifies that the one at home is some kind of moral failure, despite what the frothing hydra is ranting on about. BUT, I think that you have put yourself at a severe disadvantage by arranging your life so you are completely dependent upon him, especially when something that is very important to YOU is not offered - marriage. I don't like to parrot just what society at large harps upon, but it does sound like in you case, the tired old cliche is true: Why buy the cow, etc. Please follow the GOOD advice here about talking FRANKLY, honestly, and openly with him. And very clearly. No pussyfooting. Also, though you are not giving him an ultimatum, you do need to clarify for yourself exactly what you intend to do if he says he is not ready to commit to marrying in the foreseeable future (I'm talking about becoming engaged, like, NOW, and choosing a wedding date). Are you prepared to accept things the way they are for, maybe, ever? It does sound as if he is.
Woman In Blue Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 The answer is obvious. OP is a golddigger and her bf is well aware of that. She must be good enough to live with and have sex with and all that gf/bf stuff but he does not consider her to be "wife" or "mother to his children" material. Not for nothing, but a 'gold digger' is usually known as a woman who pursues a RICH man (not one whose merely financially sound) for the 'goodies' he can provide her - furs, jewelry, trips, cars, expensive homes, etc. etc. etc. The 25 year old blond bimbo that was recently engaged to Hugh Heffner and Anna Nicole Smith with her 85 year old husband (he looked like "Father Time") - now THEY'RE gold diggers. But I have YET to hear a woman described as a "gold digger" simply because she's in a live-in relationship with a financially sound man and she doesn't work outside the home. Jeez. Jess, DON'T have any kids with him out of wedlock - if you do that, he'll never marry you. That's all you see anymore are teenagers and 20-somethings who were stupid enough to have 2 and 3 kids by 2 and 3 different fathers - and 99% of these guys beat feet the second the test turned out positive. And these girls don't think there's a thing wrong with it because that's the mentality today - there's zero regard for marriage and zero regard for the family unit. Glad to see you're above all that. So DON'T GET PREGNANT. I've always been of the opinion that if I'm not good enough to marry, then I'm certainly not going to reward a man by having his baby out of wedlock for him. Quite honestly, I'd let him know by what age you'd like to be married so you can start planning to have kids. If he doesn't see himself ready to marry by that point in time, then you'll have to decide if you're willing to continue to play house with him or move on and find someone who will marry you and start a family. Good luck to you.
Author jessiel Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 oh my gosh Little Tiger thank you! It was such a relief to not see any more of posterchild's rude comments. I know I may be ridiculous asking for stranger's opinions, but I really didn't know what else to do. All my family and friends are obviously always on my side and they sugarcoat everything instead of being frank and honest... I will say, though, that my brother was the only one who gave it to me straight up. He told me that my bf may just like the feeling of "she needs me" and having control. He also gave me the "why buy the cow" speech. But he pretty much left it at that. So that's kind of why I posted my problem on this forum with a bunch of strangers...to see if I would get the same thing he said. I probably should have put a bit more info in my original post, but oh well. And thank you all for being so honest without being such a jerk like posterchild. I was getting a bit upset over that. I realize that maybe I made a mistake quitting my job to be with my bf. Sometimes I feel like we're going somewhere and sometimes I don't. He DOES know that I want to get married. I do drop some hints here and there. And I mean he isn't stupid, he is 29 years old and it looks like if he loved me enough he would've "put a ring on it" by now. It's been a really long time, and if I've made the decision that I would marry him (and I did, long ago) why can't he make the same one about me? Sometimes I think that maybe he is just so comfortable in the relationship and is so used to being taken care of that he just wants to keep it going so he won't be alone... but doesn't want to marry me, maybe he thinks there's something better out there...? maybe we're not meant to be? I don't know.
CarrieT Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I do drop some hints here and there. And I mean he isn't stupid, he is 29 years old and it looks like if he loved me enough he would've "put a ring on it" by now. It's been a really long time, and if I've made the decision that I would marry him (and I did, long ago) why can't he make the same one about me? Sometimes I think that maybe he is just so comfortable in the relationship and is so used to being taken care of that he just wants to keep it going so he won't be alone... but doesn't want to marry me, maybe he thinks there's something better out there...? maybe we're not meant to be? I don't know. This is what I don't get... Why don't you TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT instead of dropping hints? What good does dropping hints do and where are you going to get in your life with this relationship if you can't be completely 100% open and honest with your feelings? And if you can't be for some reason, why would you want to be in this relationship?
Author jessiel Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 This is what I don't get... Why don't you TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT instead of dropping hints? What good does dropping hints do and where are you going to get in your life with this relationship if you can't be completely 100% open and honest with your feelings? And if you can't be for some reason, why would you want to be in this relationship? I feel like I am open about my feelings with him. and I plan on talking to him about it soon. I guess the reason I'm only dropping hints is because I don't want to pressure him into anything. I don't want to be one of those women that seem obsessed with marriage. Marriage is so much more to me than being "Mrs. Whoever", I think it's about true love and making the ultimate commitment. and the reason I'm worried about it is because it seems like we should be taking that next step by now. and you're right...so I'm definitely going to bring it up soon, instead of just dropping hints.
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