CurlyIam Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 So I was writing this good friend of mine when I realized that I want to leave my boyfriend. I mean it just came out, I was a bit shocked when I read what I've been writing. Why, since we've spent a very nice week-end just the two of us a few weeks ago and it is the most comfortable relationship for me right now - he works crazy hours, I'm still in school, during my exams right now, so it's like once a week if we're lucky? Well, it's little things, like he's asking me to dinner, than cancels 'cause he's promissed some other friend (woman) to help her with a project, and his free time being so limited, he "had" to call off our meeting. Or the fact that he thinks exclusevely about himself - I'm in the middle of my applications for getting a MAster - and he gets upset because when he calls (always after 12 o'clock at night) I seem to cut him off - not true! We do have good things together, he's very proud of me, introduced me to some of his friends, his family, although we're dating for a few months. It's just... I don't feel right. I can't seem to be able to put my finger on it, maybe I'm crazy, as sex is ok, I've started going on pill for him exclusively (I've been in a long relationship before and didn't want to use the pill, so it says something) and there is no other man I'm interested in. It's just little things that make me mad, and we do not have the time to see eachother and solve all of them. That and the fact that for some reason he is very sure of me. To the point he takes me for granted. I find this quite funny, especially given the situation... I know it could be the stress with my finals and all... What do you think, should I go with my instincts?
Sarah12385 Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 yes, i'd go with your instincts. you have things that are very important for the benefit of your future, and you should want to concentrate on those. maybe see where he's at when you've finished finals, etc. maybe in a month you 2 could get back together, if you do decide to leave him. good luck ~Sarah~
Author CurlyIam Posted May 6, 2004 Author Posted May 6, 2004 Think so, huh ? Boy, I haven't done this in a long time... so I'm pretty confused
Author CurlyIam Posted May 6, 2004 Author Posted May 6, 2004 Hey, guys, sorry to be such a push, but could you plese give me some info? Sh*t, I could really use some more input right about now...
Sarah12385 Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 every time a door closes another one opens maybe give yourself more time to think - alone go somewhere where it's just you and think about what you really want. ~Sarah~
Nkyann Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 I think you should trust your gut. You know when it feels right. When anyone takes you for granted, that person is just being selfish. Of course there are going to be good points in your relationship. But when someone truly loves you and cares for you, they will treat you with respect. I am a little confused in my current situation b/c i left my fiancee who is very selfish and was taking me for granted. Now he is begging for me back and claiming he can change. But it is so hard for me to go back because of what my gut tells me. Maybe you should try talking to him about how you feel before you make any quick decisions. He does say he is proud of you, but do you know how he truly feels about you?
Author CurlyIam Posted May 6, 2004 Author Posted May 6, 2004 I don't know, it's hard to tell. I must say if I would hav read my thread I would have told myself to allow myself the time to know what I want. But time is what I do not have! Its a bit complicated, he doesn't let people near him, he got hurt once pretty bad and started going out with lots and lots of women. I think it's something new to him to find someone opened up and warm, who does not try to use him. He is one year older than me, but, boy is he immature! that's another story. Anyway, we got to "I love you" part, we tell this to eachother regularly, and sometimes I almost think he means it. I am not French, I love reading and I am totally different from him. So at first I believe I think it was this that he actually liked. I am simply afraid, because if I stay a bit longer I may truly start to feel for him. It's funny, but although we do declare our love to eachother, we never talked about this, we are not intimate, in the true sense of the word. And the funnier thing is that I never considered talking to him about this. I am just frustrated and hurt and I am afraid of deciding in a moment of fury. I know it will hurt him, as a matter of fact I didn't even think about how to tell it to him, no to speak how will he take it... It's just he's such a baby, and sometimes I get SOOOO tired of explaining him why he's hurting me and ... I just get sick of it and want out! But not really... I hate wiening and that's exactly what I'm doing!
Nkyann Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 It sounds like you are so confused that you are probably pushing yourself to find out an answer like...today! You know, maybe you will always feel like this with your current guy. Maybe he is just not the one. But you also don't want to end things asking yourself "What if I stayed..". Maybe you should spend a little more time with him..or a little time away from him. Eventually you will know the right answer when you stop asking yourself that question.
meanon Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 It doesn't sound to me like you want to leave him at all. You are looking for reasons why he's not perfect but the real problem is this: I am simply afraid, because if I stay a bit longer I may truly start to feel for him When you feel like this, try and ascertain what it is that bothers you so. Is it him (that you really feel he is not right for you), is it the situation (love is risky), or is it you (you fear loss of control over your emotions)? Think of what you like about him and your life now too that you would be giving up. With finals on the horizon this is a stressful period in your life. Take your time. There's lots to explore here and when you understand where the feelings are coming from you'll be less confused. I'd avoid doing anything until you reach that point.
Author CurlyIam Posted May 6, 2004 Author Posted May 6, 2004 Yeah meanon, you've caught me... I don't want to leave him. That is the truth. And I do have to figure out why .. I feel weak because of it, weak because I care, actually. But this is not the time to deal with it. I hate it, I feel a bit trapped. Don't you worry, I'll make sure I'm alright thanks a lot for posting, girls!
meanon Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 Caring makes you vulnerable but not necessarily weak. Have you been badly hurt before? A loving relationship can be a source of strength. You may feel trapped because you can't get rid of the feeling of weakness, I'm sure you can resolve this when you get to the source of the worry. One thing at a time - Finals first
Author CurlyIam Posted May 6, 2004 Author Posted May 6, 2004 I cared deeply and had total confidence... I showed myself completely vulnerable to a man I completely trusted. And he took advantage of every single thing he could. We were together for 4 years. And of course, he wanted me to stay near him and continue my life serving him. I only left when I couldn't take it anymore, and believe me, it was too long. What can I expect from a man whom I met 3 months ago, who doesn't know me, never met my family and in front of whom I'm about to find myself again vulnerable? The man I wanted to share my life with let me down in so many ways I... I don't believe I want to have another man so close again. Yet I'd hate to loose him. It's very much like a tango. I think I should stop, but I don't want to. MAybe I'm weak again for not doing so... you know, a coward...
johan Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 It would be nice to be able to find the right person and then quickly erase your memory of all the bad things that happened in the past. I'd love to love innocently like I did the first time, with no fear or cynicism. But I think the things I've learned from all the heartbreak are just as valuable. I think the most important thing is to be brave enough to stick it out and not sacrifice a decent relationship over something stupid. You have to come to terms with your negative feelings in their own right. If they surface in your relationship that doesn't mean that it's your lover's fault. Be patient when your mate acts like a fool, because he probably has issues, too. If you can communicate freely at all times about all things, then over time you'll learn how to love each other and your fears will subside. The biggest thing you're doing wrong is that you don't seem to be talking to him. You've been having a problem with him taking you for granted and the other "little things". Does he know? Do you tell him on the spot? Those discussions will tell you for sure whether he's the one for you. Until you have them you won't know.
meanon Posted May 7, 2004 Posted May 7, 2004 That's awful. No wonder you are scared to love again. If you are not completely over this bad experience it would make sense to take things slowly. However there are a few things in your post that bother me to do with the assumptions you are making. What can I expect from a man whom I met 3 months ago, who doesn't know me, never met my family and in front of whom I'm about to find myself again vulnerable? The assumption here is that if the other guy, who knew you well, let you down then this one, who knows you less well, will too. You were betrayed by the man you loved. That doesn't mean all men are like this. You say your current boyfriend has been badly let down too. Would it be fair of him to suspect that you would treat him as badly? Put the blame for the damage where it belongs - on the guy you loved. No-one else. One lesson from this is that sometimes we misjudge people. That's scary. There's no way to completely avoid this risk. MAybe I'm weak again for not doing so... you know, a coward... I hope that by using the word "again" you are not comparing your current relationship and your inability to end it with the previous one. Your boyfriend has not betrayed you. He cares about you. From what you said you don't really think the relationship unhealthy. I quite understand the need to seek protection but let's be clear, the brave thing to do is to love again, the weak thing to do is to deny the need to love and live your life alone out of fear. Your ex is continuing to do you damage whilst you let him exert this degree of control over your life. The man I wanted to share my life with let me down in so many ways I... I don't believe I want to have another man so close again. Yet I'd hate to loose him. That's entirely understandable. But you must get over this bad experience and let it go. Maybe this current boyfriend is not the one you will risk your heart for, maybe you need more time. It sounds to me as though you may care for him a lot already. Maybe now is the time to let go of the past.
Author CurlyIam Posted May 7, 2004 Author Posted May 7, 2004 Originally posted by johan The biggest thing you're doing wrong is that you don't seem to be talking to him. You've been having a problem with him taking you for granted and the other "little things". Does he know? Do you tell him on the spot? Those discussions will tell you for sure whether he's the one for you. Until you have them you won't know. I told you before we did came up to the phase we tell eachother "I love you". i'm sure you'll find it funny, but we do so only over the phone, on our emails or in the SMS. So we never had "the talk",we simply both know the direction we're going. How fast, how slow, how deep... never talked about it. I doubt either one of us is ready for it. That talk represents "the point of no return". Together for what I used to believe it meant or apart. Meanon is so right, I do worry and I do compare the 2 relationships. It's like I have tried so hard to make this relationship look as little as possible with my other one. I have freedome to the point of not being sure of our relationship. I know I am not ready to trust him completely. I am a good person, I will never harm him, he knows that. He trusts me. And I believe he feels the truth about me. HE on the other hand, is plying the game at his hometown. He's got most of the advantages,he's got allof his friends near him,he is still living with his parents... I simply can't give myself to him yet. Because I can't do it in small bits either. I told you, it's little things that fuel my uncertainity: he sometimes forgets to call, or doesn't email for days or... cancels at the wrong time Nothing important. I act cool about it... and sometimes I ask him if I am to see behind his silence. It proves the confidence I have in our relationship. I simply sometimes expect to see it caming. And I am always prepearing myself for it. Not very sane, but gets me through the day. I sometimes wonder if it isn't the thought of being with someone that makes me feel protected and this is why I stay. In fact it's the other way around. I hate the thought of being with someone, and even more the fact that I feel protected. Like I subconsciously blame myself for not being alone. He has some growing up to do... I have some classes to prepear. Thank you a million times for your input, you've been much more insightfull than I would have ever guessed (that's you, meanon ) I love you guys, Curly I am
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