QuixoteTilting Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 In this thread I will whine about my personal problems at length. Hopefully some of you get something out of listening to other people complain, and hopefully some of those people have some useful advice. It's OK if neither applies to you, I would ignore a thread like this too. Needlessly In-Depth Background Information (feel free to skip this) Never dated in high-school, got laid constantly in college because drunk college girls will screw anything that moves. You would have to try NOT to get laid at a party (at least at the school I went to). Still no relationships. After college I met a lot of really interesting, attractive women. I tried to talk to them like people and learn about them while sharing a little bit of myself. The result was that they decided I was their best friend. There was one point at which I was close "friends" with a dozen or so gorgeous women simultaneously or in rapid succession, in relationships that were basically emotionally exploitative. I got to hear about their problems and give them advice, etc. Fun. Eventually I told my female "friends" to go **** themselves. I decided I needed to lower my standards. I dated a girl that I had worked with briefly. She was a "sure thing" in that I am much better looking than she is and I knew she would date me. And she did, for the worst 9 months of my life. It turns out the "surprised and grateful" portion of the relationship lasted only a few weeks before we entered the "psychotically jealous and controlling" phase. I took it for as long as I could, mainly because I didn't want to be alone again. I broke up with her. One year later, I had a random one night stand. That was the last time I had sex. That was 4 years ago. The Present Situation I am 27 years old, I trade securities for a living. I used to do quite well financially before the market crashed. Now I just keep my head above water, I'm going to law school at night (and yes, that does cut into my time for socializing). I'm 6'2", 180lbs., athletic. Average looking face. I dress well, in an understated-but-expensive kinda way. Very smart, highly educated, rich bass voice (random strangers come up to me and tell me I should do radio at least once a week, no exaggeration). I'm not bragging. My point is that in a superficial sense, I'm pretty freakin appealing by any standard I've ever heard of. So what the hell is wrong with me? 4 years of no sex, my only relationship EVER is one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I can't even get a date. I mean, unattractive women hit on me all the time. If I go to a bar, a couple of drunk 6's will come up to me during the course of the night. Women try to talk to me at stores, etc. But not attractive women. And attractive women, without exception, blow me off when I try to talk to them. Not even in a nice way, in an eye-rolling "Dear God, who is this loser?" kinda way, just for something as innocuous as "Hi". And you know, I'm not someone who is wounded easily, but after the 100th time somebody treats you that way it's hard to want to try again. So for the past year I haven't tried at all, and recently I've been getting really depressed and lonely. I feel sort of hopeless about this. I've been thinking about things I normally wouldn't: hiring prostitutes, mail-order brides, all kinds of crazy stuff. In terms of a relationship, all I want is a reasonably intelligent, beautiful woman who shares my interests and perspective on things and is at least sorta domestic. I don't think that's unreasonable. I have co-workers, former classmates, and old friends who have, for the most part, achieved this. In terms of a fling I'd just settle for someone attractive, and I can't even manage that. I don't know what's wrong with me. And so, like any well-adjusted person, I turn to the internet to solve my problems. I'm expecting the responses to be along the lines of "lower your standards" or "you're an *******, that's why", but maybe I'll be surprised. Thanks for reading.
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) You don't give enough insight about why beautiful women repeatedly file you into the "close friends" category. It could be something you "shared" with them... maybe there were misinterpretations. Maybe because it's something so simple, you don't consider it (and they probably perceived something entirely different than you did or...) OR it could be you're just utterly oblivious about something in your behavior, speech etc is off to them and you think it's all "normal" when perhaps it's not. If you're attractive, intelligent, and can finance yourself... but are still having difficulties, you need to look more closely. Or yes, alternatively, "lower your standards". I gather you're trying to look more closely, but people on the internet can't really ask the questions for you --- perhaps offer what potential answers could be. But no one is there to tell you what's amiss. Have you tried asking any of the female friends what gives? Maybe try getting females in your real life to open up with you and let you know. It could be so many things, some personal and others entirely impersonal. Edited September 2, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
Llakdknek Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 It sounds drastic, but have you considered relocating? I'm probably the last one who should give advice, but it seems like you want both instant gratification and a relationship, but a relationship is something you have to cultivate. In the past, it sounds like you were too patient and got friend-zoned. Are you looking in the right places? Bar skanks aren't typically marriage material if that's what you eventually want. It also sounds like you're a little confused. Do you want to get laid or do you want a relationship? Ostensibly both in the long-run, but I guess step one is to really figure out what you want and step two is to work toward it.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 If I go to a bar, a couple of drunk 6's will come up to me during the course of the night. Women try to talk to me at stores, etc. But not attractive women. And attractive women, without exception, blow me off when I try to talk to them. Not even in a nice way, in an eye-rolling "Dear God, who is this loser?" kinda way, just for something as innocuous as "Hi". Something about you ranks you lower than the women you are trying to get. I would guess it's something about your attitude.
CarrieT Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Something about you ranks you lower than the women you are trying to get. I would guess it's something about your attitude. That's what I was thinking... There was a w..h..i..n..e to his post that gives off a vibe I can't quite pinpoint, but it is obviously has nothing to do with looks so it must be a personality flaw.
Author QuixoteTilting Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 (edited) You don't give enough insight about why beautiful women repeatedly file you into the "close friends" category I don't have any insight. I do not understand it. At all. I mean, I can see why they'd want to be friends with me...I just don't understand why they don't want to sleep with me. Maybe those of you who are women could give me some insight into why you wouldn't want to sleep with a smart, stable reasonably attractive guy that you WOULD want to be friends with. Though I have to tell you that if I read "we just don't click" or "there's no chemistry" I will strangle a puppy. I gather you're trying to look more closely, but people on the internet can't really ask the questions for you --- perhaps offer what potential answers could be. But no one is there to tell you what's amiss. Have you tried asking any of the female friends what gives? Maybe try getting females in your real life to open up with you and let you know. It could be so many things, some personal and others entirely impersonal. I don't have any female friends any longer, all my close male friends live elsewhere, all my day-to-day friends are coworkers or work in the same field with different employers. There's no way I'm talking to those guys about something like this. Basically, if I had anybody I trusted to ask about this, I probably would have asked them instead of posting this. I get your point about the limited ability of people who don't know me to assess the situation. I knew that would be the case, but I was bored at work and figured somebody might have some amazing insight I lacked. It sounds drastic, but have you considered relocating? It doesn't sound drastic, it sounds insane. I have a job and a house. Not happening. It also sounds like you're a little confused. Do you want to get laid or do you want a relationship? Since one usually involves the other, I don't really see it as an either/or. I want to date a succession of women until I meet one that I really like, then develop a relationship with her. That's usually how it seems to work for people. -------------------------------------- To summarize the responses so far: "Well, if it isn't your looks or your financial situation, it has to be your personality." Fair enough. I buy that. I don't know what to do with that information, but it's good to know I suppose. Try not to be myself, I guess? Edited September 6, 2011 by QuixoteTilting
country_gurl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 OP wrote: "I decided I needed to lower my standards. I dated a girl that I had worked with briefly. She was a "sure thing" in that I am much better looking than she is and I knew she would date me. And she did, for the worst 9 months of my life. It turns out the "surprised and grateful" portion of the relationship lasted only a few weeks before we entered the "psychotically jealous and controlling" phase. I took it for as long as I could, mainly because I didn't want to be alone again. I broke up with her." LOL. I don't even know where to start. Ever heard of Karma? :-) You arrogantly used someone you felt superior to and now you're where you are? haha. You come across as someone with a totally overblown ego, completely full of yourself, somewhat narcissistic, even. I'd hazard to guess that in the looks department, you're average at best but your massive ego oozes out of you such that the "hot women" are simply not interested.
Author QuixoteTilting Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 LOL. I don't even know where to start. Ever heard of Karma? :-) You arrogantly used someone you felt superior to and now you're where you are? haha. Karma? Yeah, I've heard of it. It's a religious concept from Hinduism. Not something I spend a lot of time thinking about, as I'm not a Hindu. Are you? I'd hazard to guess that in the looks department, you're average at best. Amazing insight there, given that "average" is exactly how I described myself in the first post. But hey, you're entitled to your hostility. As I predicted (also in the first post), some of the replies are going to consist of calling me an *******.
Scottdmw Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 QT, I don't know if this is your problem, but I think it's helpful to make it clear right at the outset to a woman you are interested in dating not friendship. My current relationship started this way. I was at a picnic not especially looking to meet women but open to it. At one point I started casually talking to a woman that I found attractive. After 20 mins she seemed like she was enjoying the conversation, so I asked her if she would like to have coffee sometime and she said yes. On the coffee date, after about 45 minutes it seemed like she was having fun and I said something like “so, hopefully you realized this is a date. You've probably already decided whether you like me or not.” She told me later that she really appreciated this straightforward approach. What I'm trying to emphasize here is you have to be a man and approach a woman in a way that risks failure, and be emotionally at ease with that. It doesn't work so well to try to gradually develop a relationship. The other thing I would suggest is it sounds like your social life is generally lacking. You need some kind of a weekly event, at least one, that you enjoy where you will regularly meet new women that you don't already know. I think interest groups are the best. For me it's hiking/outdoors, foreign languages, and church related activities. For you it may be something quite different. The point is you need to spend time with things like this on a regular basis to bring you into contact with women. The type of contact is important. If you are there only to hit on women, that will come through in your manner and attitude. If you aren't having fun, that greatly lessens your chances. You need an event that you will enjoy for its own sake completely apart from women. It helps if you are passionate about that or something else so you can talk with sincere enthusiasm about what you do with your time. Once you have an activity or activities like that, if you happen to meet a woman at them just ask her out on a simple date, yes or no, right on the spot the very first time you meet her. When you go out with her, you don't have to be creepy or overly aggressive but do make it clear that it is a date not a friendship. Make it so she knows she is on a date. Best of luck Scott
somedude81 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Something must be really wrong with you, because based on your self-description, you sound like the type of guy that women should be tripping over themselves to date.
Red Arremer Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 To be perfectly honest, if you're just trying for sex and not having any luck, the problem isn't that you're an *******, in fact your problem probably is you're not enough of one. Yeah, I went there.
AHardDaysNight Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 No, I don't think it's because of that. At least, not initially. My guess is his insecurities are coming out, and so only women who are uglier are going after him because of this. I'd say he needs to stop being so insecure.
Author QuixoteTilting Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 "Be less of an *******." "No, he needs to be more of an *******!" Yeah....ok. I'd say he needs to stop being so insecure. So just a few years of therapy and I should be good to go, right? Funny, I don't really think of myself as being all that insecure. I feel like it's that my experience with women lately has made me feel insecure, more than its the case that my insecurity has caused my recent experiences with women. Chicken and egg kinda thing, I suppose. Still not terribly useful no matter how you look at it. --------------------------------------------- Honestly, thinking about and reading the replies here just makes me tired. I don't see why this should be so complicated. **** it.
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