Dumped by younger girl, how to proceed?

[DenumChkn]

So I am 26 and I was dating a 19 (she just turned 20) year old for the past 6 months. I could sense something was wrong in the last few weeks and that she was acting more distant, hot/cold, but I denied the signs to myself because I had already fallen head over heels for her. In the beginning I remember being the guy in charge, things were happening on my terms and I could tell she was very attracted to me. I had doubts at some points whether I wanted to see other girls still because I was feeling very confident, but as we shared more time together I started to really fall for her and only wanting to be with her. I think this clinginess/wussiness definitely attributed to her breaking up with me.

 

I have not ever been in love before and this was the longest relationship I had ever been in before. I had one in the past of 4 months where I didn't fall in love, but I got too attached and she got bored and left me in the dust. I was pretty broken up for a while after that one, so actually having felt I was in love (and she would say she loved me back, and did so even after breaking it off) and losing this girl now has been pretty devastating.

 

About two months before the breakup she expressed concern that we wouldn't have time to be in a committed relationship when her school semester started, I assured her we could make it work, we would see each other less often but could still be there for each other. I felt at the time I had patched things up and we would continue on triumphantly. Fast forward 2 months (two weeks ago), I am over at her house one night and she is acting VERY distant (and had been for most of the week after I returned from a vacation). As I'm about to leave she says we need to 'talk', is initially vague and so I ask outright "are you breaking up with me?" she says "yes". She follows this up with "but I still love you and still want you in my life", I'm guessing now, to make herself feel better about being the dumper. She was crying a lot the whole time and I had to fight tears, we embraced for a long time and had one final kiss before I walked out her door.

 

After this we talked on gchat or over the phone a couple of times briefly, but in my head I was tortured with the ambiguity of how she had left things and part of me still felt we were together. At one point I mentioned I missed her and she said "I didn't so much until I just now talked to you and now I'm annoyed" (???). I finally call her about 5 days after the breakup to confront her, essentially saying "I can't just be your 'friend' if that is what we are, I will not be able to see you without wanting to hug and kiss you". The conversation was longer and I definitely did some begging/pleading, but we essentially agreed to cut ties. I'd be lying if I said I didn't try to make that phone call last as long as possible. She mentioned something about texting me Friday (the day before her birthday) about exchanging some stuff of each others we have, but otherwise we agreed to NC.

 

This past Friday comes along and I had been working on a project, making progress and was generally in a good mood, so I decided to give her a call (maybe a mistake, I know, but she had failed to text me as she said she would). I asked if we could meet face to face the next day (her birthday) and exchange our stuff. She got very cold, "I thought we agreed to cut ties, I'm irritated now - why didn't you just text me" (whoops! that phone call didn't go as planned haha) I was caught off guard and stumbled over my words a little, she said to just leave whatever I had for her on her porch because she was going to be really busy with work on Saturday .

So after a conversation with my Mom to console myself, I didn't leave anything for her on the porch, I didn't wish her a happy birthday, and have been NC with her since that call on Friday.

 

I intend on maintaing the NC until she makes a move, and if I know her at all, I know she will. I waver back and forth, some days just wanting to be happy for her to go enjoy the college experience, and other times desperately wanting her back and feeling all that emotion and pride at the thought of when she was 'mine'. I think that GIGS certainly has a role in all this. The main reason she provided me with breaking up is because she felt her grades faltered a little when we were together last semester, she had to withdraw from two classes, and now she wants to be totally dedicated to her studies. I obviously can't argue with that, but I'm wondering how much of her real reason for leaving me that constitutes. I know she is very smart and a hard worker so i can't question her motives there. It's worth noting that prior to us being together, she hadn't been with a guy for 6 months and her friends were all pretty surprised she was giving me the time of day and spending so much time with me.

 

I just don't really know how to proceed from here. When she does make contact I don't think I will know how to react. I am not really ready to just move on and be with other girls, and I try to focus on my own work/projects, but she and this whole situation are completely glued in my mind. On one hand I want her back more than anything, on the other I don't want to give her a second chance because, what will stop her from breaking my heart again? I am just confused and suffering from a broken heart, so any advice anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading.

[Casablanca]

Stay NC...also why did you mention that she is younger? What does it change? I glanced through your post and didnt see any reason to her age needing to be brought up

[DenumChkn]

I guess I just mentioned it because I just finished college and she still has 2 years left. Also because 80% of the friends I have talked to tell me the reason we can't possibly work is because of age (however I have a hard time believing that, girls seem to mature faster than guys and I felt she was pretty mature for her age). She at least had the guts to break up with me to my face and never cheated on me and didn't leave me because she has another guy lined up.. I guess part of me feels like if she didn't have sex for 6 months before me, maybe she will come around and want to get back together before boning some other d-bag on the rebound.. I know I probably shouldn't hold out hope though.

[wilsonx]

I guess part of me feels like if she didn't have sex for 6 months before me.

 

Where did this come from? I am just curious

[DenumChkn]

I guess I'm a slightly old fashioned dude. I don't like sleeping with girls if I'm not in a relationship with them. I like a similar quality in the women I date. I guess I feel like if she isn't sleeping with other guys I will be more likely to want her back.. I know, I shouldn't hold out any false hope. I'm simply trying to rationalize not letting go.

[wilsonx]

This is an extremely insecure question to ask someone you are dating, then the last time they slept with someone with. You can be old fashion and that's who you are but you have to expect that with these insecure questions, you aren't going to get an honest response.

 

Its like asking how many people someone has slept with. It honestly doesnt matter if you have feelings for them. You are never going to get the truth from either men or women

[DenumChkn]

For the record wilson, I never asked but it came up on its own because we were having difficulty having sex in the beginning of the relationship. I think she asked me how many partners I'd had previously first, but in either case I'm not bothered at all by what's in the past.

 

I had a dream this morning where one of our mutual friends told me she was seeing another guy and they were having sex and it made me wake up so stressed out and crushed feeling

 

When we broke up she said she wasn't looking for other guys and didn't want to be in a relationship at all because of school, so that's kinda why I hold out hope that this is more like her needing space than being completely over me...

[lymtal1]

you are in a catch-22 my friend. you are damned if you do you are damned if you don't.

 

she sounds like she is not sure what she wants and there could be many reasons for this. she is young and believe me from personal experience when this happens it ususlly manifests as gigs.

 

this is real and sometimes you have to let it roll and deal with it. any type of rationalization will not work. they usually have made their mind up way before now that this is where her head was.

 

the sad thing is it more than likely has nothing to do with you. you are probably an amazing boyfriend, have taken great care and shown her this. it just doesn't matter. when you are told that you are the best ever, i will never find another like you, i know i will regret it later, but it is something i have to do, it is.

 

sometimes we just have to let them go, learn what it is they think they are missing and deal wit it as unfortunate as it is. know that is not what you want to hear. i am going through this righht now and it sucks.

[DenumChkn]

Yea I think you guys are probably right. I'm torturing myself with the false hope that if I just maintain NC she will randomly call or text me in a month or so wanting to get back together. It will not be easy to get her off my mind though, any tips for that? I try to focus on work or a hobby and i just get distracted from the task at hand stuck on memories of times we shared together.. I see why they say only fools fall in love now.

 

Thank you all for your advice, reading it and these forums in general have really helped me cope with everything and at least begin the process of healing and moving on.

 

I feel it will be a long time before I meet another girl who I have as strong feelings for as I did this one. Part of the reason the breakup is so hard is because no one cheated, we didn't fight much, the relationship was solid and I saw a future with her - but I guess the age gap and places we are in our lives is just too much to overcome (for now).