SummerLady Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I am married to a man that has 3 kids from previous marriage, I have 2 kids from previous marriage. His kids are grown. His youngest is 20 and is not succeeding. He refuses to work, or to go to school or go to the military. When we got together his youngest was 17 and visited here often but would go back and live with his mother, she lives pretty far away. We tried to get him interested in several things but nothing worked. My husband now feels guilty and bad about all of this. I canNOT prove this but I think he feels if he did not remarry he could have focused on this kid more and would not have the issues he has. I think part of his kids behavior is acting out that Dad got remarried. We live with my 2 kids and I think my husband feels a tad guility about that as well. Again he never said this to me but I feel it. When his youngest visited here he drove us crazy, everyone, including me, we had good days and bad days. I tried to be fair with my comments but I think some did hurt his feelings. I am wondering now if the marriage is damaged as a result. His son is welcome here but stays with his mom more as he gets away with this behavior. I am not sure if I am making this too personal with me and projecting. He just seems down and I know he is down about this and there is nothing I can do to help. I guess I will find out in time if something is wrong. I have asked him and he says there is no problem but my gutt says different. Need objective advice. As I am not objective.
Author SummerLady Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Also he has made comments about missing where he is orignally from and not liking living where we live. I asked him point blank if he was going to leave me and he said no, but said he misses where he lives. These comments have been made quite a bit over the past 6 months.
analystfromhell Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 It's also been the case with me (I'm in a situation equivalent to your husband, two kids from previous marriage about the same age except my kids are succeeding thus far) that when my wife is around, there's tension in the air. Older kids just don't blend- it's more like amalgamate. It's gotta be tough have a kid who just doesn't have any motivation or passions and just wants to sit around. It doesn't sound particularly personally related to anything you can or shouldn't do- just his reaction to the stress of the situation. Talking about where he used to live might also be part of it- a "if only I had it to do over again (raising the kids) I'd be able to do a better job of it" situation as I'm sure he takes the kid's behaviour very personally.
Author SummerLady Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 It's also been the case with me (I'm in a situation equivalent to your husband, two kids from previous marriage about the same age except my kids are succeeding thus far) that when my wife is around, there's tension in the air. Older kids just don't blend- it's more like amalgamate. It's gotta be tough have a kid who just doesn't have any motivation or passions and just wants to sit around. It doesn't sound particularly personally related to anything you can or shouldn't do- just his reaction to the stress of the situation. Talking about where he used to live might also be part of it- a "if only I had it to do over again (raising the kids) I'd be able to do a better job of it" situation as I'm sure he takes the kid's behaviour very personally. I agree and get the whole older kids part. My problem is his kids in general are really odd. Mainly because his ex wife never moved on. She is stuck and angry and they have been divorced for a long long time, since the kids were small. She was so negative for so many years that his kids are neurotic and negative. I know that kids always take up for the weaker parent but this woman really did a number on them all, all boys too. It has brought such a negative energy into my life. I love my husband and cannot imagine a life without him. I need to find a way to deal with this negativity and not let it get to me. Its just so hard for me to understand how someone can be so negative and angry for so long and then pass that on to the kids. My divorce was far from perfect but me and my ex put our kids first and never talk nasty about one another and give them a blow by blow of the divorce and all that stuff. My husband never did that but all along his ex was. He just found this all out recently and was very hurt by it all. He was shocked. He now has learned what his kids had to listen to and now we deal with the mess of it all. Thankfully the oldest 2 are on there on but the youngest continues to be a pain. I hope I don;t sound cynical- I am just worn out...
DaisyLeigh Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Thing is...he is not a kid. He is a 20 year old man. He should be working and possibly going to school. He should be supporting himself, not flopping at his parent's houses and certainly not insulting you.
2sunny Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Thing is...he is not a kid. He is a 20 year old man. He should be working and possibly going to school. He should be supporting himself, not flopping at his parent's houses and certainly not insulting you. yep! have him get out on his own! that way he can start to figure out what life is about. school or work - or both! the more you all DO for him = the less he's going to learn that he needs to participate in life and support himself... and eventually his family if/when he gets married. he needs to learn to be responsible for himself. IF the problem is mainly your new H - you could consider divorcing him.
Author SummerLady Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 (edited) yep! have him get out on his own! that way he can start to figure out what life is about. school or work - or both! the more you all DO for him = the less he's going to learn that he needs to participate in life and support himself... and eventually his family if/when he gets married. he needs to learn to be responsible for himself. IF the problem is mainly your new H - you could consider divorcing him.. The 20 year old will not come back as his behavior is not accepted here. I don't think my husband knew how to handle him. He threaten him. Offered him counseling and tons of help. He did nothing here and wanted to do nothing. I think he was angry his father remarried and was focuing on that rather than moving on with his life. You are right. Sitting around finding fault with me or his father did nothing to get him any further. At 20 your parents being divorced and remarried has zero bearing on growing up and getting a job or going to school. His mother is behind a lot of this. She never moved on and instilled much negativity in these kids. It's almost like he is stuck like her. He won't return anytime soon. I am not saying he not directly responsible for his own behavior BUT his mother set a very bad and unproductive tone for him. I just wish divorced parents with kids would be more careful and focused on letting their kids grow up and leaving all the BS of the divorce and their unhappiness away from the kids. It's like poison to their soul. Edited September 12, 2011 by SummerLady
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