lulu2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Is it easier to reconcile when no one else (but the husband and wife) knows about the A or when everyone knows what has happened? Thoughts? I think this is part of the reason why reconciliation has not occured yet for me.
Memphis Raines Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I think this is true. Its hard to hold your head high when the whole town knows our spouse cheated on you. and you know people look at you as a doormat if you stay with a cheater. (not saying someone is a doormat, just saying you know thats how most people will look at it)
Spark1111 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Is it easier to reconcile when no one else (but the husband and wife) knows about the A or when everyone knows what has happened? Thoughts? I think this is part of the reason why reconciliation has not occured yet for me. I disagree! The people who love us, still love us, were rooting for us to be able to overcome it. The people who didn't or were judgemental or thought I was crazy to reconcile...are no longer my friends and I do not miss them. The people who confided in me that they had overcome infidelity in their own marriages were frankly, astonishing! The people who said, you do what you want, but if it ever happened to me, he/she would be kicked to the curb, had never had it happen to them! But I knew I was the victim here. I'm a good woman, wife and mother, and everyone who knows me knows this. The issue was his. Why hide it? Exposure to trusted friends and family was helpful in that they provided their support; they helped him with their support. Who wouldn't want that?
ShatteredReality Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I would love to say love prevails all - but that's not always the case. If the whole world knows it's much more difficult to stay together. It already takes a great deal of strength and understanding for a couple to make it through an affair with a few confidants and therapy, but when everyone knows? Family and friends who love us fail to see sometimes that simply standing by and letting us live our lives is the best way to support us. There almost always is the caring but misguided individual(s) nattering at at least one person to leave for one reason or another. If there is an affair involved that's the reason. You'll have the person who loves you and adores you telling you to leave because he/she is a cheating slimeball and won't change their ways and will always treat you like dirt. OR, you could be the cheater with someone in your corner saying you only did it because your SO doesn't appreciate you or treat you right. Either way...it's peer pressure. During and directly after an affair emotions run high and the fog has yet to lift, making both parties vulnerable to this type of "sage" advice. Unfortunately that makes it more difficult to move forward...like the proverbial angel/devil on the shoulder. During the highs and lows of post affair recovery, if you have this feeling that many people are watching and judging, it's just one more thing to weaken your resolve to reconcile. I was fortunate...not many people are aware of my H's and my situation...I think if he'd had more people by his side telling him to give up on me and walk away he might have. We've talked about this before...he says it would have been easier to just let someone else tell him what to do...but if he'd done that he would have probably left. We are both glad we kept it quiet...the people who don't choose to live with us forgive much much slower than those who do.
Memphis Raines Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I would love to say love prevails all well it obviously didn't prevail over cheating
ShatteredReality Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 well it obviously didn't prevail over cheating Hence the second half of the sentence MR. It doesn't. Love isn't "all you need" There is SO much more that Disney fails to prepare us for.
nyrias2 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I disagree! The people who love us, still love us, were rooting for us to be able to overcome it. The people who didn't or were judgemental or thought I was crazy to reconcile...are no longer my friends and I do not miss them. Apparently you don't care about, or feel social/peer pressure. Not everyone is like you. Many cares a great deal whether their relatives, neighbors, ... approves of them.
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