Rexie Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Hi there My boyfriend & I have been dating for over a year going to two years. I'm black & he's white. We are madly in love & all we want is just to be happy & wishing that his family would accept me. He recently proposed to me & so we got engaged a little over a month ago, without his parents knowing. I'm so excited & just wish that his family would let him be happy with me. He stays with his parents, they literally threaten him & give hell on a daily basis just because he's with me. They make it ultra hard to see each other, almost making him like he's on house arrest. They took his phone, counting the mileage of the car & control whatever he does especially his freaken mother! A recent incident just happened last night... After his mom found out that he spent the day with me, she went crazy & called his dad ( they divorced) his dad got at their house, they was shouting & screaming & may have gotten abit physical until his dad pointed a gun to his face & told him to leave the house for two days, so my fiance had no choice but to leave. I feel so horrible for my fiance & helpless... He can't exactly move out of their house cause they paying for his college, car & everything. He has no choice but to put up with their bull**** for now but it's tearing us apart. We fight mostly cause I sometimes get frustrated at him & wished he'd just leave his family, but it's not his fault his family is like that & I also I feel like that's being unfair towards him. I mean we never argue apart from when it comes to his family. He stands up for me & his parents hate that especially his mom who I think is a physco bitch (excuse my language) but I mean honestly come on it's 2011 not 1950 or whatever racist time period they were in. He hates his family & he tells me that he could quite college & just find his own way without his parents but I don't want him to give up on college. I want him to finish school so that we can both have a good job etc. But apart of me just wishes that he would leave his racist family. They've called me all the names in book from the N word to being a slut. I mean I honestly don't know on what planet they live on. I don't know what to do anymore... breaking up is not an option because we love each other so dearly... we have such a deep connection spiritually & physically & he's been through so much **** just because of his parents' hatred towards me. But we don't know how to deal with them anymore. Please any advice would be appreciated! :confused
somethingsimple Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 That's really unfortunate. I really have no clear direct on the advice I want to give. But I'll give an attempt. Just lay low for a while and just wait it out till he finishes college. Or just move out, if you two really love, you'll make it work. But it really is unfortunate.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I mean honestly come on it's 2011 not 1950 or whatever racist time period they were in. The people's views aren't likely to change if they were born back then, it's a sad reality. The pitiful fact is that we've gotta wait for a few generations to die off for racism to die with them. You've both got to avoid conflict by avoiding the issue of you both dating any way you can until he's out of college. His parents just aren't going to change. The conflict is one thing, but they could escalate it to refusing to pay for college if he continues to see you--just do anything you can to avoid that situation from arising. If I were him, I'd consider lying to my parents about seeing you until he's no longer living with them. It's no way to live, but I'm not hearing that he's got much choice.
sweetypielovely Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 My daughter is just 20 and started dating a black guy about 7 months ago and at first i was mad about it. I actually told her she couldnt. But after i thought about it i told her i didnt care as long as he treated her good and she didnt get pregnant any time soon. My parents were mortified by it. They were raised old school where people didnt date other races. They are in their 70's and i'm in my 40's. My main concern was that he had one child and his ex was pregnant again by him even though they werent together anymore. I thought that wasnt a good situation. But now i am over all that drama about races. She isnt even with him anymore. I hope his parents see what what you have is real and that he treats you great and its not the color that matters. If not, lay low till you can be together.
Feelsgoodman Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Try dating someone of your own race to avoid such problems in the future.
KathyM Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Hi there My boyfriend & I have been dating for over a year going to two years. I'm black & he's white. We are madly in love & all we want is just to be happy & wishing that his family would accept me. He recently proposed to me & so we got engaged a little over a month ago, without his parents knowing. I'm so excited & just wish that his family would let him be happy with me. He stays with his parents, they literally threaten him & give hell on a daily basis just because he's with me. They make it ultra hard to see each other, almost making him like he's on house arrest. They took his phone, counting the mileage of the car & control whatever he does especially his freaken mother! A recent incident just happened last night... After his mom found out that he spent the day with me, she went crazy & called his dad ( they divorced) his dad got at their house, they was shouting & screaming & may have gotten abit physical until his dad pointed a gun to his face & told him to leave the house for two days, so my fiance had no choice but to leave. I feel so horrible for my fiance & helpless... He can't exactly move out of their house cause they paying for his college, car & everything. He has no choice but to put up with their bull**** for now but it's tearing us apart. We fight mostly cause I sometimes get frustrated at him & wished he'd just leave his family, but it's not his fault his family is like that & I also I feel like that's being unfair towards him. I mean we never argue apart from when it comes to his family. He stands up for me & his parents hate that especially his mom who I think is a physco bitch (excuse my language) but I mean honestly come on it's 2011 not 1950 or whatever racist time period they were in. He hates his family & he tells me that he could quite college & just find his own way without his parents but I don't want him to give up on college. I want him to finish school so that we can both have a good job etc. But apart of me just wishes that he would leave his racist family. They've called me all the names in book from the N word to being a slut. I mean I honestly don't know on what planet they live on. I don't know what to do anymore... breaking up is not an option because we love each other so dearly... we have such a deep connection spiritually & physically & he's been through so much **** just because of his parents' hatred towards me. But we don't know how to deal with them anymore. Please any advice would be appreciated! :confused As long as he is dependent on them and living in their home, neither of you will get peace about this. The only way to make it work is if you both had NC with them at all. Are you and he prepared to stick with NC with the parents for life? Otherwise, they will make your life hell. When you marry someone, you are not only marrying that person, you are also, in a way, marrying their family. You will be seeing them at family functions, holidays and gatherings throughout your life. If you have children, they will be a part of your children's lives. If you don't get along with the parents/family members, that's a big red flag, and doesn't bode well for your future together. He would have to completely disown his family and have NC with them for the rest of his life. If you marry, they will always resent you and even may hold it against your children. That's a heck of a lot to deal with, but that is your future if you continue with this man, unless he is willing to disown his family for life. It's not fair, but those are the facts.
FitChick Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Why are you engaged to marry a boy who still lives at home and whose mummy and daddy pay all the bills? Date a man.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 The only way to make it work is if you both had NC with them at all. Yea, if the father was willing to point a gun at his son's head, it sounds most likely he'll have to eventually estrange himself from his parents. If he starts to do that while he's still in college, they're likely to force him to quit by kicking him out of the house and stopping their funding of his tuition.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 If I had parents like that, I'd rather struggle on my own to make my way up in the world. There's programs out there he can enlist in to help him out with his education while he gets a job. The problem is that most financial assistance/grant programs base their awards upon the income of your parents, so even if they're not paying, if they make enough money, you aren't eligible for many of them. He'd have to make the estrangement legal and get himself removed as a dependent from his parents' taxes.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 As long as he is dependent on them and living in their home, neither of you will get peace about this. The only way to make it work is if you both had NC with them at all. Are you and he prepared to stick with NC with the parents for life? Otherwise, they will make your life hell. When you marry someone, you are not only marrying that person, you are also, in a way, marrying their family. You will be seeing them at family functions, holidays and gatherings throughout your life. If you have children, they will be a part of your children's lives. If you don't get along with the parents/family members, that's a big red flag, and doesn't bode well for your future together. He would have to completely disown his family and have NC with them for the rest of his life. If you marry, they will always resent you and even may hold it against your children. That's a heck of a lot to deal with, but that is your future if you continue with this man, unless he is willing to disown his family for life. It's not fair, but those are the facts. This is the cold, hard truth. If I were in your guy's situation, I will tell my family to **** off, move out, and make my own way. But he doesn't seem likely to do this. So, you deal with the drama, potentially for the rest of your life, or go. It's a sucky situation.
zengirl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Nothing to be done about it, really. Racism doesn't go away. I've not seen many racists have a change of heart, whatever you see in the movies. I'm from the South, I live in the South, and I see racism every day. Usually they're cool with Asians or I look white enough no one bothers me, but even in 2011, there are far too many separations between blacks and whites here. Sad, really. It won't even start to end till the generations that were very racist are dead. Luckily, younger generations are LESS racist, so it gets better and better. So, his parents aren't having a change of heart. . .ever probably. That said, my grandparents hated my father. (Well, he turned out to be a jerk, but they hated him because my maternal grandfather fought in WW2, and my father's family are Japanese Americans, which is a stupid reason to hate people, especially since his family was already in the U.S. and not at all part of the "enemy" but whatever. He would call him a "dirty Jap" to his face. Loved me, though, half-Jap as I am. Weird.) It didn't really impact my parents much. They did divorce but because my father is a cheating cheater, not because of racism. So, I don't think family pressure always means anything long-term. My father is racist against black people (oh, the irony!) and would freak out if I married a black man, but I wouldn't give two figs. So, my point is: It doesn't have to impact the relationship, even though it won't go away. If your BF loves and accepts you and plans to someday move out, things might well get better then. Honestly, it's worth the debt he's saving not to move out now, probably, even though it sucks. Why are you engaged to marry a boy who still lives at home and whose mummy and daddy pay all the bills? Date a man. This is silly. He's in college. So, it's not like he's a grown man doing it. Granted, I lived on my own at 16 (when I went to college) and paid for my own college with work and scholarships, mostly, so I appreciate a bootstrap-puller as much as the next, but parents often pay for kids' colleges. It's pretty frequent. And living at home in college probably makes sense if you can go to a decent school from there. I assume he's going to college so he CAN get a good job and living at home so he can do so without massive debt hanging over his head.
sm1tten Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 This is unfortunately not going to get much easier if after a year they haven't had even a slight change of heart. I'm black, and I date outside of my race, but I've gotten lucky that I've never dated anyone who had racist parents and I don't know what that'd be like to deal with, but his situation isn't going to change even after he moves out - they'll still be racist and they'll still be his family. You either have to deal with this until he graduates or break up until he graduates, neither of which will guarantee that he cuts his family out of his life or that you'll have no other issues between you. I truly feel for you, but this sounds like it wont have a happy ending.
Author Rexie Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 That's not an option. I love him more than anything
Author Rexie Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 Thank u guys for all ur feedback, means a lot. One thing is for sure: we won't break up. It's not even an option.
D-Lish Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 they was shouting & screaming & may have gotten abit physical until his dad pointed a gun to his face & told him to leave the house for two days, Really? This is so extreme and overboard- even more than a Jerry Springer show. His own father actually put a GUN in his son's face to stop him from dating a girl of a different race? Seriously? He's still living at home and in school? How can you guys get married?
Author Rexie Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 & no we not from Mississippi lol.
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