amm3410 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I am approaching my 22nd birthday and my fourth wedding anniversary. I am contemplating filing for divorce. I have thought about this a lot before, but I was not emotionally ready to take the plunge until now. I have an 18 month old son who I am very concerned about. I don't want to break his heart. My parents divorced, and that's exactly how I felt (heartbroken). I don't want to put my son through any pain. I wish more than anything that he could have a "normal" childhood with parents who stay married forever, but I don't see that happening. I would greatly appreciate some advice as to how I can KNOW that getting a divorce is the right thing to do. Let me give you my reasons for wanting a divorce: -I got married too young. I was 18 and he was 20. My family was very unstable, constantly moving and often homeless. They made it impossible for me to complete high school, and even discouraged it. My home was very abusive. I needed a place to stay on very short notice. My husbands mother told me I could stay with them, but I had to marry her son. So we got married the following day. Although we were in love, he was not ready for marriage, and I realize now that I wasn't either. Marrying him was really my only option. Due to me not finishing high school, I couldn't go away to college or even get a good enough job to support myself. We both convinced ourselves we did it out of love anyways. -I married the wrong person. My husband and I were married after three years together. I thought I knew him, but I was wrong. We never have had much in common, but that never mattered to me. I only cared that he was a man of good character and was ambitious. He has lost all the ambition he once had. He was a pharmacy technician when we got married, and he was supposed to go to pharmacy school to become a pharmacist. He never did that, instead he has been job hopping from one crappy job to the other. Granted, his jobs pay well,but they are all dead-end jobs. Instead of pharmacy school, he opted to take a bunch of meaningless credits at community college. He could do so much more, but has chosen not to. Now, he doesn't care about education or have any goals whatsoever. During our marriage, he has shown me that he is not a man of good character. He has been unfaithful to me over and over again. We have been separated twice because of his infidelity. Whether he was emotionally or physically unfaithful, I will never know because he will only admit to as much as he has to. So if I don't witness with my own eye him having sex with someone else, he would never admit it. But my impression is that he has been physical with other women, just based on the text messages I have found. In addition to his unfaithfulness, he is also a thief. He stole a very very large amount of money from his job last year. When I found out what he was doing, I felt betrayed. I begged him to stop, but he refused. He eventually stopped, not because he felt remorse, but because he had to. Although I am the only one who knows about these things, I feel embarrassed to be married to him. I can't honestly be proud of him or respect him. If you've read this far, you're probably wondering why I haven't already left. Even though he has done all of these things, he is still a very wonderful father. He works hard to provide for his son, and he spends all of his time with him when he's not at work. He is not like some fathers that don't help out, he helps ALOT. He is great with him. They have such a special bond and relationship, and he is so proud of our baby. I just want to be sure that I am doing the right thing before I leave. I don't have a good example of parents. My parents divorced, and I didn't see my dad for five years afterwards. I was heartbroken and I longed for my parents to be together again. My dad and I still don't have a good relationship because he feels that he only needs to be available part-time to my younger siblings. I just don't want my son to feel like I did towards my dad.
ShatteredReality Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Can you support your son without him? Not all fathers disappear from their childs lives after a divorce. The ones who are actually good, don't. So, you say now that he's a wonderful father - but if he does just walk away and disappear after the divorce he really isn't. My sister used to say her ex was an excellent father. He abused her and treated her like dirt, but he was great with their son. Only after she left did she actually recognize the ways that he wasn't so wonderful. He would degrade their son - tease him and laugh and the child would start to cry. She couldn't see that while she was still married to him - literally couldn't see it. I think sometimes we are in a situation and we blind ourselves to the realities in front of us for survival. Apart from the apparent mental abuse her ex was a decent father, and he's still in the boys life. But still...that kind of damage can be just as bad as neglect. You need to make this decision based on what you want from life. What will you live with forever. What example do you want your son to follow? If your H is a thief, he may teach that to your child. (Hide this candy bar in your jacket, son, and it's all yours!) Your past abuse has given you a skewed view of what is "normal", forcing you to guess at what a person should be living with. I say all of this knowing I have similar issues - I am the child of an abusive alcoholic who married a man who became extremely verbally and mentally abusive in the course of our marriage. I decided to leave him a few years ago and somehow reality slapped him in the face. I made mistakes, he made mistakes...we're still together and working through it...but now I have a realistic idea of what is and is not acceptable. I now recognize the things he did that slowly chipped away at my self worth and eventually I began to hate myself for tolerating it for so long. What child deserves a mother who is simply a shell of herself because she allows herself to be mistreated so badly for so long? The abuse we tolerate is never warranted - and it's not your fault. His cheating isn't your fault. And him consistently cheating on you is a form of abuse. However, you staying and tolerating it? That's on you. Either this marriage and this man is worth all of that to you or he's not. Maybe he's willing to change when he sees what's truly at stake? Maybe not. You won't know if you stay in one place treading water. No one on here can come and tell you to leave or to stay...it's a decision you have to make on your own - and it's an incredibly difficult decision to make...you should seek some counselling if you can - really learn about yourself. Right now is a pivotal maturing time for you - most women grow a great deal from 22-25. You have to decide if you want to fight this battle for the next 10/20/30 years, or if you want to walk away and rebuild now. It doesn't get easier later, and it wouldn't be easy to do now. Sorry...I don't know how much "help" I am here...
andyg99 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 you already admitted you married too young so we agree there... he may well be the wrong guy, the cheating is a good enough reason to divorce. If you go that route put all your effort into your child, don't even think of dating. All your effort should be put into co-parenting with the child's dad.
soserious1 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 you already admitted you married too young so we agree there... he may well be the wrong guy, the cheating is a good enough reason to divorce. If you go that route put all your effort into your child, don't even think of dating. All your effort should be put into co-parenting with the child's dad. You seem to be really into the idea that divorced women need to remain celibate, focused only on child rearing, no dating, no sex, no matter the reason for divorce. Do you think her ex-husband is going to keep it in his pants till the kid is 18?
KathyM Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Time to prepare an exit plan and put it into action. Look for a job that will give you funds, if you don't already have one, and the court will award child support for your son. After you find a job, file the divorce papers. That man is not a good father. He is a horrible role model for your son, and the sooner you get him away from that guy, the better.
andyg99 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) You seem to be really into the idea that divorced women need to remain celibate, focused only on child rearing, no dating, no sex, no matter the reason for divorce. Do you think her ex-husband is going to keep it in his pants till the kid is 18? nope, not celibate - they can play all they want when the kids are with dad... too bad your focus is on the adults happiness, not the kids... "my ex can't keep his pants on, why can't I have fun too?!" "hey it's your turn to have them!!!! I have plans!!!!" "what? your kids are here? I thought they'd be with your ex!" I bet you think kids love hearing these things from either parent, yup the "me first" mentality is alive and well with today's parents!... BTW - I give dads here the same advice about dating - hold off until your life has settled, and when there are kids involved that means holding off until EVERYONE'S life has settled.... Edited September 2, 2011 by andyg99
Author amm3410 Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 No, I don't have a way to financially support my son without him. That's something I am working on changing. My husband is a good father, there's nothing he's doing that I am blind too. When I leave, he's not going to disappear from his sons life and I won't realize he was a bad father afterall. Of that I am certain. He's not abusive in any way either. He's just dishonest and unfaithful. I am working on my exit strategy now. And I have told my husband I want a divorce. He won't talk to me about how we're going to co-parent our son. He just keeps saying he doesn't want a divorce. Maybe after some time he'll come around to discussing these things with me. I agree that all my attention needs to be on being a parent. I definitely am not going to be ready to date for a long time. When I do start dating again, I don't want my son to know about it or even meet the guy unless we are getting married. I know how it feels to have a mother who puts her love life ahead of being a parent.
andyg99 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 comments in bold No, I don't have a way to financially support my son without him. That's something I am working on changing. Family, friends, church, state - there are ways to get help until you get on your feet... and if you do divorce you'll get CS My husband is a good father, there's nothing he's doing that I am blind too. When I leave, he's not going to disappear from his sons life and I won't realize he was a bad father afterall. Of that I am certain. He's not abusive in any way either. He's just dishonest and unfaithful. it's good to know that he'll be in your son's life if you two split. Dishonesty and cheating IS abusing the marriage, it's not physical abuse but it's abuse... I am working on my exit strategy now. And I have told my husband I want a divorce. He won't talk to me about how we're going to co-parent our son. He just keeps saying he doesn't want a divorce. Maybe after some time he'll come around to discussing these things with me. If he's the good dad that you say he is he will come around... I agree that all my attention needs to be on being a parent. I definitely am not going to be ready to date for a long time. When I do start dating again, I don't want my son to know about it or even meet the guy unless we are getting married. I know how it feels to have a mother who puts her love life ahead of being a parent. I'm glad to hear that - you're a great mom!
ShatteredReality Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I agree that all my attention needs to be on being a parent. I definitely am not going to be ready to date for a long time. When I do start dating again, I don't want my son to know about it or even meet the guy unless we are getting married. I know how it feels to have a mother who puts her love life ahead of being a parent. One thing I will say here to keep in mind...don't wait until you're going to get married to introduce a new person to your son....my parents divorced and I didn't meet every person my mom dated - and her love life came very second to my wellfare - but when she felt things could get serious with a man she did bring him home to have dinner with us together. When my stepdad proposed she came and talked to me about it....she told me to really think about it, that she wasn't in a hurry to answer him because she wouldn't do it unless I really approved. Now, about some of the other things you said...it's very difficult to leave...you can find lot's of support for single mothers, you can get food stamps and such - you don't have to go with low income housing if you don't like the area you would have to live in to be able to do it....a friend of mine works for Wal Greens - she barely finished highschool and has no additional schooling after that. She makes enough for rent, gets enough in food stamps for food, has state medical for the kids...she doesn't have a lot of "extra" but she's got enough to survive...and she doesn't get cs from her ex b/c they have joint custody. You, however, should qualify for spousal support, even if you opt for joint custody.
Lexygirl Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I think you have valid reasons to get a divorce and if the only reason you are staying is because you are worried about your son.. think about this... Your son deserves to have two happy parents AND he deserves to be in a stable, happy environment which may mean not having you and your husband together. If you stay and nothing gets better, all that will happen is your son will be living in an environment full of turmoil, bitterness and resentment. You need to be the best you can be for you and for him and if that means moving on then you should do it ! Absolutely get a plan and stick to it. Good luck.
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