The girl you're with flirts with another guy right in front of you.

[Kaplan]

I’ve been dating this girl and we had a little drama last weekend. It should be noted that we were both really drunk on this particular day. So this guy started hitting on her right in front of me and she let him and talked to him and showed all kinds of interest in him. The guy made it obvious that he was hitting on her. I felt like she was flirting, and I was pretty offended so I ditched her. I was drunk and I didn’t have anything to say to her so I just left. The next day we talked about it and I decided that my hazy drunken memory wasn’t trustworthy, and I decided to trust her that she didn’t realize what the guy was doing. And I apologized for how I reacted, and probably apologized too much.

 

Anyway, things went all right between us for a bit but then she mentioned this “hesitation” that she had. She said that she worried that the way I acted over the weekend might be an indication of how I would act in a relationship. So I asked her if she wanted to stop seeing me because of it and she said no. So why did she bring it up? To me, I don’t want to date a girl who’s hesitant about whether or not I’m a good guy. Maybe I’m delusional about myself, but my opinion of myself is way too high for me to want to be with a girl who doesn’t think highly of me. I don’t understand why she wants to date me if she thinks I’m a jerk.

 

I feel like she’s being unfair by blaming me for what happened because I’m giving her the benefit of the alcohol-induced doubt and she isn’t doing me the same favor. I’m basically believing her over myself, which part of me thinks is stupid. I feel horrible about how I acted (in fact, a small part of me wonders if she isn’t just trying to make me feel worse,) but I don’t actually think that the way I reacted was that bad considering how drunk I was and what I saw.

 

Am I wrong in thinking that it’s incredibly messed up for her to let another guy hit on her right in front of me and talk to him while he’s sitting there getting off on the idea of screwing her. Am I crazy for thinking that’s messed up? To me, if that happens then it’s over, there’s no conversation to be had. But I honestly don’t understand if I’m the only one who would feel that way in that situation. Is it not that big of a deal?

 

I honestly don’t think that she did anything wrong, but I don’t think that what I did was bad considering what I saw. I would have acted differently if I was sober and she flirted with another guy right in front of me, but I would have felt the same.

 

What do you guys think?

[Ginger Beer]

I’ve been dating this girl and we had a little drama last weekend. It should be noted that we were both really drunk on this particular day. So this guy started hitting on her right in front of me and she let him and talked to him and showed all kinds of interest in him. The guy made it obvious that he was hitting on her. I felt like she was flirting, and I was pretty offended so I ditched her. I was drunk and I didn’t have anything to say to her so I just left. The next day we talked about it and I decided that my hazy drunken memory wasn’t trustworthy, and I decided to trust her that she didn’t realize what the guy was doing. And I apologized for how I reacted, and probably apologized too much.

 

Anyway, things went all right between us for a bit but then she mentioned this “hesitation” that she had. She said that she worried that the way I acted over the weekend might be an indication of how I would act in a relationship. So I asked her if she wanted to stop seeing me because of it and she said no. So why did she bring it up? To me, I don’t want to date a girl who’s hesitant about whether or not I’m a good guy. Maybe I’m delusional about myself, but my opinion of myself is way too high for me to want to be with a girl who doesn’t think highly of me. I don’t understand why she wants to date me if she thinks I’m a jerk.

 

I feel like she’s being unfair by blaming me for what happened because I’m giving her the benefit of the alcohol-induced doubt and she isn’t doing me the same favor. I’m basically believing her over myself, which part of me thinks is stupid. I feel horrible about how I acted (in fact, a small part of me wonders if she isn’t just trying to make me feel worse,) but I don’t actually think that the way I reacted was that bad considering how drunk I was and what I saw.

 

Am I wrong in thinking that it’s incredibly messed up for her to let another guy hit on her right in front of me and talk to him while he’s sitting there getting off on the idea of screwing her. Am I crazy for thinking that’s messed up? To me, if that happens then it’s over, there’s no conversation to be had. But I honestly don’t understand if I’m the only one who would feel that way in that situation. Is it not that big of a deal?

 

I honestly don’t think that she did anything wrong, but I don’t think that what I did was bad considering what I saw. I would have acted differently if I was sober and she flirted with another guy right in front of me, but I would have felt the same.

 

What do you guys think?

 

She felt you were pissed at her for something she did, by bringing this up and making out this could reflect on how you could act in the relationship in future the blame isn't on her anymore, it's on you.

 

She flirted with someone else in front of you, and you feel that YOU did everything wrong and SHE didn't do anything wrong? You should probably toughen up a bit.

 

She's a bad woman in my opinion, you did nothing wrong. She did and now she's shifting the blame to you. Don't let her!

 

I would end it.

[Kaplan]

She flirted with someone else in front of you, and you feel that YOU did everything wrong and SHE didn't do anything wrong?

 

This is what the voice in my head keeps telling me.

 

I should mention, I feel bad because I left her without saying anything, she didn't have a phone on her, and later that night she caught up with me and I refused to talk to her about it. That's why I feel bad. She said that she didn't even know which guy I was referring to. And I just imagine her sitting there, talking to the other people at our table not thinking about it, finding me gone, worrying about what went wrong, having me shrug her off. Plus my reply to the text she sent me in the morning was pretty harsh.

 

So I was a jerk, I think. I mean, even if she was flirting I should have said why I was leaving and never going to see her again.

[Ginger Beer]

This is what the voice in my head keeps telling me.

 

I should mention, I feel bad because I left her without saying anything, she didn't have a phone on her, and later that night she caught up with me and I refused to talk to her about it. That's why I feel bad. She said that she didn't even know which guy I was referring to. And I just imagine her sitting there, talking to the other people at our table not thinking about it, finding me gone, worrying about what went wrong, having me shrug her off. Plus my reply to the text she sent me in the morning was pretty harsh.

 

So I was a jerk, I think. I mean, even if she was flirting I should have said why I was leaving and never going to see her again.

 

Mate, I know when you're with a girl and something like this happens it's easy to doubt yourself and ask a million questions because you don't see what's happening, but you did nothing wrong. If the roles were reversed it would be quite acceptable and normal for the woman to simply leave without causing an argument, which is what you did.

 

You were completely within your rights to walk off without explaining why. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[Kaplan]

That's what I'm saying. If she was flirting with this guy, then it wasn't wrong of me to walk off.

 

It's just that I'm believing her that she didn't know the guy was hitting on her.

 

So if I treated her this way and she wasn't flirting with the guy, then I wronged her.

 

I know there's this trap that a guy can fall into in this situation, and it looks like I've fallen into that trap. But I just can't believe that's what happened. Ha ha ha, and of course, I know that that's what people always say when they're in the trap!

[Ginger Beer]

Girls always know when someone is flirting with them, she could've told him to back off but she didn't = you in the right, she is in the wrong.

 

Even if she didn't flirt back (which you thought at the time she did, I'd go with what you thought at the time), she allowed it to continue, probably because she liked the attention.

[Kaplan]

Yeah, I mean, to me it's got to be flirting since it's obvious the guy is flirting.

 

It's just that when I talk to her about it in person she seems so sweet and innocent and I think of my drunken memory and how hazy it was and I just can't believe my memory over her. I believe her and not me.

 

Damn, what a sucker.

[Ginger Beer]

Yeah, I mean, to me it's got to be flirting since it's obvious the guy is flirting.

 

It's just that when I talk to her about it in person she seems so sweet and innocent and I think of my drunken memory and how hazy it was and I just can't believe my memory over her. I believe her and not me.

 

Damn, what a sucker.

 

 

I know the feeling.

[rafallus]

Prepare to get royally manipulated.

 

She probably knows her power over you and will play that innocence card whenever **** goes sour.

[Emilia]

If a guy starts talking to me while I'm out with my SO I pay attention to whether he is only talking to me or to both of us. If he is only talking to me, he is hitting on me and I make it very clear that I'm not interested. If he is talking to both of us, he might be just friendly.

 

As a woman I am very aware that men like competing with each other and that can mean underhand tactics such as chatting up another guy's girl in front of him to humiliate him. Some guys get off on dating married women for similar reasons.

 

If she says she doesn't get that she is either a moron or a liar

[Elysian Powder]

You give her one last lay and then you seduce her sister or best friend. See how she likes that.

[phineas]

This is what the voice in my head keeps telling me.

 

I should mention, I feel bad because I left her without saying anything, she didn't have a phone on her, and later that night she caught up with me and I refused to talk to her about it. That's why I feel bad. She said that she didn't even know which guy I was referring to. And I just imagine her sitting there, talking to the other people at our table not thinking about it, finding me gone, worrying about what went wrong, having me shrug her off. Plus my reply to the text she sent me in the morning was pretty harsh.

 

So I was a jerk, I think. I mean, even if she was flirting I should have said why I was leaving and never going to see her again.

 

She is full of crap.

She knew what she was doing & she didn't care.

 

Actually, she forgot about you when this other guy showed up. She was so into him she didn't even notice when her boyfriend walked away.

 

Doesn't sound like a very good GF to me.

Also drunk isn't an excuse.

You were drunk, did you hit on women in front of her? nope.

[zengirl]

You both behaved badly, IMO. She probably WAS flirting, but ditching someone is a terrible behavior as well. And two wrongs do not make a right.

 

So, I would say that you have shown that you will run away from any potential conflict (bad relationship trait) and she has shown that she has potential boundary issues (bad relationship trait).

 

As to why she brought it up? Any number of reasons:

 

1. She really is concerned about the trait you exhibited. (If she has boundary issues, she really may not see what she did as flirting or wrong---doesn't mean it isn't, but means she won't SEE it easily, so walking away was unproductive as well because now it's not about what she did, but you BOTH did crap wrong, and she's going to have a harder time seeing her issue. That's how people work.)

 

2. She feels guilty and wants to turn it around on you.

 

3. She likes drama.

 

4. She doesn't think this relationship will work out.

 

Or any number of potential reasons.

 

Are you wrong to have a problem with her flirting in front of you? NO. Absolutely not. But the way you reacted was wrong. There are both more appropriate and more productive ways to react --- what you did was passive aggressive. If you had been assertive, gotten away from that guy, and then confronted her (in a reasonable manner) by letting her know that you were upset by her behavior, then you could've potentially resolved it. And she would've been the wrong one. But by reacting the way you did, you mixed it up, and now you're BOTH wrong and BOTH have a right to be upset. Mix that with drinking, and you've got a big damn mess.

[robertdawson]

This is another reason I don't like getting drunk.

 

Well, I actually suck at everything relationship wise but if it's other people's issues I guess i can give advice.

 

If she was being hit on and let it continue that is her problem. If she was flirting back that is even worse. You said you were drunk, but did you think to say anything to the guy? I'd be tempted to say "hey man, she's with me". Even if you didn't do that you should have just talked to her later about it. Either way it is not acceptable.

[Kaplan]

So, I would say that you have shown that you will run away from any potential conflict

 

This is her perspective. My point is that I think it's unfair to make a judgment about me like that based on what happened.

 

You say if I acted differently "then you could've potentially resolved it." That's another point where the girl and I differ. I find it really confusing that she seems to think that we could have just talked about it and it would have been OK. If I wasn't drunk I would have acted differently, but ultimately I would have left. I think basically I would have just announced what I was doing. I would have said something but it wouldn't have been, "Hey let's talk about this." It would have been more along the lines of "Bye!" The only reason I'm still dating her is because I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Another thing is that we weren't really on a date at the time. We were in a group by coincidence, I think we had only been on one official date, although we'd known each other for a while and done other things. And we weren't an official couple yet either. We were just two people talking. Anyway, I felt like she ditched me. I mean, as soon as she's flirting with this other guy she's no longer "with" me, such as she was. I don't know if that makes sense. I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't feel that I had any right.

 

Come to think of it, I think I've been in situations at parties or at bars where I was chatting up a girl I didn't know, and some guy came up and hit on her, and she liked it, and I left. It's like, "OK, never mind." Why would you start a conversation about it? She obviously would rather talk to this other guy. I have no right to say anything because she isn't mine she's just some girl I just met at a party. I think I was thinking of this situation the same way. I think it was less of a "You wronged me" and more of an "OK, never mind."

 

Maybe the reason we see things differently is that we each perceived us as being at different places on the road to becoming a couple.

 

Anyway, women are crazy if they think they're going to find a guy who's going to be nicer about this situation than me. Part of me thinks that she wants a man who has no self respect.

 

Robert, the guy was actually cool about it. He was just looking to get laid (can't blame him for that,) and he didn't realized we were together (sort of.) My favorite moment in this whole thing is when he came up to me afterwards and asked if she and I were together and if she was single. I said, "Well we were sort of, but we're not now. You can have her." I think he even apologized.

 

Thanks for talking to me about this guys, it really helps me think things through. I love having conversations with strangers about my personal problems. This is the only environment where you can do that. If I tried this on the subway, for instance, people would just be annoyed.

[zengirl]

This is her perspective. My point is that I think it's unfair to make a judgment about me like that based on what happened.

 

But that's exactly what you did --- you ran away from potential conflict!

 

You say if I acted differently "then you could've potentially resolved it." That's another point where the girl and I differ. I find it really confusing that she seems to think that we could have just talked about it and it would have been OK. If I wasn't drunk I would have acted differently, but ultimately I would have left. I think basically I would have just announced what I was doing. I would have said something but it wouldn't have been, "Hey let's talk about this." It would have been more along the lines of "Bye!" The only reason I'm still dating her is because I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

 

If every miscommunication or action you don't like is going to lead you running away, this relationship won't work out. No relationship will. Whether her actions were appropriate or not (and there was probably something inappropriate to them), that helps nothing and hinders everything. You could even potentially run away from an honest misunderstanding with that attitude! And, frankly, yes, talking about something, sharing that it upsets you. . . that's how you get through conflict and establish boundaries. Communication works wonders.

 

Another thing is that we weren't really on a date at the time. We were in a group by coincidence, I think we had only been on one official date, although we'd known each other for a while and done other things.

 

Ah, well, in that case, she actually may not have seen it as doing anything wrong. That doesn't mean it cannot bother you, but it does change things. You can't really "talk it out" hardcore. If you were in a group, it is also fine to leave. When you say "ditched" I thought it meant you had brought her there and then left her there. That's wildly inappropriate.

 

If you didn't come together, and weren't on a date, you didn't ditch her. You just left when you weren't happy with the interaction. That's fine, and in that setting, neither of you did anything wrong, though she did establish that either she's a flirtatious girl (some girls really will flirt with anyone and consider it meaningless) or she doesn't stop considering other guys until she's exclusive. Or she was just trying to make you jealous and it backfired. There are any myriad of potentials, including the fact that she didn't view her interactions and attentions the same way or with the same intensity you did.

 

At any rate, I thought this was a girl you had been seeing and you were on a date. The point is frankly moot, all around, if you weren't. It's just a matter of basic compatibility.

[Kaplan]

Yeah, I guess the problem is just that we were kind of in a gray area. We were "sort of" together. We actually had come with a group of people. We were in the same group by coincidence. I ended up just getting a cab home ($100) and let her ride back with the friends we came with.

 

I didn't "run away" from any conflict. I just didn't feel like it was my place to say anything. I don't understand why girls interpret this as "running away from potential conflict." It seems like you're reading into it way too much. To me there was no potential conflict because she had every right to ditch me for another guy because we weren't on a date and we weren't a couple. She can do what she wants, but I'll be damned if I'm going to just sit there and watch.

 

In retrospect, I think that she felt like we were on a date or something. Which explains why she thought something should have been said. I think that's why we see things differently.

[GivenUp0083]

I’ve been dating this girl and we had a little drama last weekend. It should be noted that we were both really drunk on this particular day. So this guy started hitting on her right in front of me and she let him and talked to him and showed all kinds of interest in him. The guy made it obvious that he was hitting on her. I felt like she was flirting, and I was pretty offended so I ditched her. I was drunk and I didn’t have anything to say to her so I just left. The next day we talked about it and I decided that my hazy drunken memory wasn’t trustworthy, and I decided to trust her that she didn’t realize what the guy was doing. And I apologized for how I reacted, and probably apologized too much.

 

Anyway, things went all right between us for a bit but then she mentioned this “hesitation” that she had. She said that she worried that the way I acted over the weekend might be an indication of how I would act in a relationship. So I asked her if she wanted to stop seeing me because of it and she said no. So why did she bring it up? To me, I don’t want to date a girl who’s hesitant about whether or not I’m a good guy. Maybe I’m delusional about myself, but my opinion of myself is way too high for me to want to be with a girl who doesn’t think highly of me. I don’t understand why she wants to date me if she thinks I’m a jerk.

 

I feel like she’s being unfair by blaming me for what happened because I’m giving her the benefit of the alcohol-induced doubt and she isn’t doing me the same favor. I’m basically believing her over myself, which part of me thinks is stupid. I feel horrible about how I acted (in fact, a small part of me wonders if she isn’t just trying to make me feel worse,) but I don’t actually think that the way I reacted was that bad considering how drunk I was and what I saw.

 

Am I wrong in thinking that it’s incredibly messed up for her to let another guy hit on her right in front of me and talk to him while he’s sitting there getting off on the idea of screwing her. Am I crazy for thinking that’s messed up? To me, if that happens then it’s over, there’s no conversation to be had. But I honestly don’t understand if I’m the only one who would feel that way in that situation. Is it not that big of a deal?

 

I honestly don’t think that she did anything wrong, but I don’t think that what I did was bad considering what I saw. I would have acted differently if I was sober and she flirted with another guy right in front of me, but I would have felt the same.

 

What do you guys think?

 

Women like this are a cancer. She's either really good at displacing blame by making YOU look and feel like the bad guy so that the spotlight isn't on her and her actions that night, or she expects perfection in a relationship.

 

You did nothing wrong, and EVEN IF YOU DID: you apologized

 

Now if you did something like this multiple times over and over, apologies alone shouldn't relieve you of responsibility, but you're human, you will make mistakes.

 

Regardless of whether she thinks she was flirting or not, she made you feel uncomfortable. Now I'm going off your side of things, but I didn't see anything wrong with what you did. If it were me, instead of pouting and just leaving her, I would've scanned the room for another girl and went up to her and started a friendly conversation with her. That shows her that if she doesn't try to keep you or make an effort to be respectful around you, she will lose you. You don't want to threaten her with dumping her, you shouldn't do this while on a one-on-one date ever, but if she's getting a lot of attention from a guy right in front of you and won't brush him off then by all means go work the room and meet a new girl. If she leaves with that other guy then how much did she really like you? If she wants to play those games, you shouldn't have any of it.

 

Just try to move past this, things like this aren't worth fighting about, but if it happens again, call her out. If you didn't do anything wrong then DO NOT EVER APOLOGIZE. It makes you seem weak, and women don't respect men who are sorry.

 

Just treat her well the next time you are out together, try to build on what you have going on and see what happens. If it happens again it would be good cause for concern.

Edited September 2, 2011 by GivenUp0083

[rafallus]

But that's exactly what you did --- you ran away from potential conflict!

 

It could be:

"**** you, I don't need this"

or

"Oh God, there is a conflict! What to do, what to do? <shiver>"

 

I see pretty marked difference between those two.

 

Still, you should have marked your presence. If a girl, even after clear effort made would still be not acknowledging me, I'd go the former way of two named in the beginning. Then again, I would probably not bother with her anytime soon.

[iJester]

Continue dating her, but keep looking for other women as well. Use this girl for sex, so that you don't come off as being desperate for sex with other girls. If she shapes up, then keep her around, if not just keep using her for sex until you find a suitable girl, then drop this chick. Always easier to get a girl if you have one already, always.

[Kaplan]

I think what I'm going to do is sit down with her and have one last conversation about this whole thing so we understand each other's perspective. Then, if she wants to keep going, I'll give it a shot.

 

But if she really thinks I would be a crappy boyfriend because of what happened then I think I'd rather date one of the many girls who think I would be a great boyfriend.

[zengirl]

It could be:

"**** you, I don't need this"

or

"Oh God, there is a conflict! What to do, what to do? <shiver>"

 

I see pretty marked difference between those two.

 

Still, you should have marked your presence. If a girl, even after clear effort made would still be not acknowledging me, I'd go the former way of two named in the beginning. Then again, I would probably not bother with her anytime soon.

 

But BOTH of those are running away from conflict. I agree they're different mindsets, but the first is actually WORSE in my book than the latter. Not wanting to deal with something = running away.

[iJester]

Talking with her again about it won't help. This is a manipulative girl, so she isn't going to want you to end things on your terms..she doesn't "win" that way. She will continue for a while then come up with a bs excuse of why it won't work. Drop her now, or string her along until you find something better(or she pushes for more).

[aj22one]

But BOTH of those are running away from conflict. I agree they're different mindsets, but the first is actually WORSE in my book than the latter. Not wanting to deal with something = running away.

 

Oh yeah, because working it out with this type of woman is totally worth it

 

I'd run too if I were him.

[rafallus]

But BOTH of those are running away from conflict. I agree they're different mindsets, but the first is actually WORSE in my book than the latter. Not wanting to deal with something = running away.

Not really - not everything can be reasonably worked out. If accounting more extreme situations, examples may be multiplied:

 

-If a couple has, say, differing view on kids, breaking up is not running away from fundamental problem?

-Is wife beaten by a husband, divorcing him, because she doesn't want to deal with his abusive personality, hence running away?

-(outside of relationships) if confronted by a guy with a knife, most sane sources advise you to... run away. Satisfaction "oh yeah, I didn't run away" doesn't matter much, when you're in morgue.

 

Regardless, in this specific situation, if they are not an item, he should have marked his presence and not rely on her commitment which may or may not be there. Yet, her later actions suggest to me, it may not be possible to be reasonably worked out. She just sounds manipulative.