UPDATE on my screwed up situation

[Tasha49]

Short back story for people who don't know me: i have been involved with a guy for a year and a half who won't commit to a relationship because he "isn't ready yet." Things have been quite like a real relationship in many ways. But then there are a few things that haven't been. We both love each other (not actually convinced of his claim, however). Blah blah.

 

Anyway... I posted in a thread a few weeks back that I ended it. But I actually didn't =\ I just said I did because I had planned to and that is the way I saw it panning out. So I apologize for that. Bear with me here. There is good news!

 

On Monday night I was visiting him at work. I had been planning a good way to tell him I give up for good this time. Right before I left I asked him if we could talk over breakfast in the morning. He was very taken back, because the only time I use the "we need to talk" line it is only about ending it. So he knew. But he agreed and gave me the hugest hug and kiss ever before I left (of course, since he knew I was gonna give up).

 

We met up at the cafe but I already started crying before I could talk so I decided we should eat first and then go sit in his car and talk. The whole time he was more affectionate than usual and just really attentive to me. Then I asked him if he knew what I wanted to talk about. He said yes, that I was done with this. I nodded and started to cry. His eyes watered a bit. Blah blah.

 

He told me he didn't think I did love him since I was just gonna give up. I laughed inside, seeing as I waited A YEAR AND A HALF for him to commit and still nothing. Anyway, I asked him what reason was left for him not to commit? He told me he didn't want to put in the time and effort a relationship required. He didn't want the responsibilities. And it would mean buying gifts, spending more time together, more calls and texts etc. EVEN though I told him I didn't need all of that, just a commitment so I would have some means of security in this. And for him to show he cares a bit more. Besides, we buy each other gifts all the time anyway... so what the hell?

 

He said he didn't invite me to any of his house parties or other people's parties because he "needed some time for himself" once in a while. Wtf! So he chooses to do it at parties and never invite me? Right... bullcrap.

 

He said he doesn't show affection in front of his roommates/friends because he's just not like that. Wow... okay cool? Makes no sense. When he was with his last gf they were affectionate in public and in front of friends. So again, bs.

 

And as for the girl (who is the ex gf of his closest friend and roommate) he parties with at her place with her friends and yet never invites me... he told me it was because they don't invite people they don't know at their house. I already met her when she was dating my guys roommate though... I told him I had weird feelings like he liked her and was gonna hook up with her. He said he wouldn't because he would feel bad and she doesn't like him anyway... the correct response would have been that he wouldn't sleep with her because he didn't want to, not because he'd feel bad...

 

Soooo, nothing he said was good AT all. I mean he told me he loves me and I am the girl he 100% wants to be with but just not in a relationship right now. How does that make sense? The ONLY reason left is because he really only wants to sleep with other people. What else would it be? And if he doesn't want to put in the time and effort a relatuonship requires, what does that say about me? That is saying that I am not worth the extra time and effort. If he loved me... he would make time. And he has all the time in the world. After he works he goes home and drinks and just hangs around home. So he isn't even too busy for a relationship.

 

I told him I needed time to think. But after all that bull sh*t I ended it later that night. I wish he would have told me a long time ago that he didn't want to put the time and effort in. I would have been out long ago. That clearly means he DOESN'T love me. If he did, he would make the time.

 

It is two days after I ended it, and the weirdest part is that I am not a sobbing miserable mess. I am sad and miss him but nothing like before. I don't know if it's because of how ****ty his answers were, if it just hasn't sunk in yet, or if it's because this time I mean it and a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. Either way I feel good about this decision! I feel free.

 

I mean seriously, he wanted me to wait for him to be ready becausehe just knew I was "the one." So while he wants to half-ass this 'relationship' he expects me to be miserable in the process. Wondering what he's doing at all his parties without me, wondering if a girl could come and replace me, wondering why he won't show affection in front of friends...

 

I am SO done!!

[Cracker Jack]

I think you made the right choice.

 

Good for you, Tasha. You're better off.

[LZ2000]

Tasha, I am very sorry to hear this.

 

You may hate me for saying this, but I believe in good faith that your ex-boyfriend is facing some challenges of his own too. There are some things you have said about him that I could identify with, and really, it's a very tough situation for us men to be in too.

 

(I had been single for the longest time because I was not in the right state of mind for a relationship and I stayed away from women deliberately because of that, so I know how it would feel.)

 

I mean he told me he loves me and I am the girl he 100% wants to be with but just not in a relationship right now..........And if he doesn't want to put in the time and effort a relatuonship requires, what does that say about me? That is saying that I am not worth the extra time and effort. If he loved me... he would make time. And he has all the time in the world. After he works he goes home and drinks and just hangs around home. So he isn't even too busy for a relationship.

 

I may be wrong, but it seems to me that your ex-boyfriend has some huge issues of his own. I don't know what is it exactly, but clearly it has affected your relationship with him. My guess is that he finds it so hard to really access the relationship he has with you that he also finds himself "lost in his feelings and emotions".

 

But that's just me, I may be wrong. I hope someone wiser and better would give you even better advice.

 

LZ2000

[AHardDaysNight]

He sounds like a commitment phobe.

 

You made the right decision. I know you don't want to hear it, but you're better off!

[Tasha49]

I think you made the right choice.

 

Good for you, Tasha. You're better off.

 

Thanks!! I feel relieved. He's been trying exceptionally hard to get my attention. If I don't text him back he gets paranoid (since I always would reply within 5 mins) and sends me another text if I don't reply right back. I saw him at work today and he was being so nice and he grabbed me and hugged me and told me he was gonna buy me a Blink 182 shirt from their concert tonight. I told him we're just friends now and he can't be doing this stuff. He was very upset and his eyes got all watery. He called me yesterday morning (morning after I broke it off) to tell me he just needed to hear my voice. You see... he does all these things that show he really cares and he's more sweet when he usually doesn't do that to this extent. Right after I walk away. Then he pulls me back in because he makes me feel like he's trying more so then I think it's going in a really good direction and so I come back. But not this time... now I know it's not going anywhere.

[Tasha49]

LZ2000-

 

I tried to convince myself that he really does just need time... but that does not mean he has to half-ass a relationship. If he really knew 100% that he wanted to be with me in a relationship, then he would not say that time and effort was the issue. Because he has LOADS of time to spare. He does nothing with his time. That is why we spend 4-5 days a week together. So how can time be an issue?

 

The only thing left is to assume he wants to sleep with other girls. He already did 3 times....

[Tasha49]

He sounds like a commitment phobe.

 

You made the right decision. I know you don't want to hear it, but you're better off!

 

I really miss him. And it has only been two days. But I know I am just better off moving on. I told him when he is ready he knows where to find me, but no promises if I will have moved on or not. If it was meant to be, then it will be. If not... so be it.

 

There was nothing wrong with our "relationship." So it sucks that he can't just try.

[LZ2000]

LZ2000-

 

I tried to convince myself that he really does just need time... but that does not mean he has to half-ass a relationship. If he really knew 100% that he wanted to be with me in a relationship, then he would not say that time and effort was the issue. Because he has LOADS of time to spare. He does nothing with his time. That is why we spend 4-5 days a week together. So how can time be an issue?

 

The only thing left is to assume he wants to sleep with other girls. He already did 3 times....

 

All I can say is that (perhaps) he wants you as a lifelong partner, but still feels the urge to spend his time on flings and one night stands with other women. That can be very challenging for a man to face. And sometimes we men fail to conquer our urges. I know, us men can be very two faced at times, I admit full heartedly.

 

Some men know how to be defensive when faced with a situation when they are tempted to cheat, some don't and some are too weak.

 

But we don't live forever in a world of limitations, you have done what is best for yourself. You are free once again, and enjoy your freedom. Take the new found time you have to pursue your interests and improve your life.

 

In any case, I wish that your love life will soon find another man who's worthy of your trust.

 

God bless.

[Professor X]

You made the right choice.

Just remember for future cases that you did have all the signs here: I.e. he didn't want to commit - the reasons do not matter as the outcome is the same; And you should never wait up for anyone (just a thumb rule).

[Ayla]

I feel for you...I really do. I too love a man who is simialr. However have not gone as far as you two did in our 'relationship'.

 

It is really tough, and I guess understandign why he is like he is, is important. My guy was cheated on my his ex of 10 years and the mother of his daughter...and she is now engaged to that man. We first dated at the end of last year but I ended it because I was going to get hurt, as he was not ready for a relationship. I did say to him that when he was ready, maybe we could try again.

 

 

Now - after a few months of not speaking and we started being friends, and have slowly been getting closer. But he still does the hot cold thing - less often - but we are currently in a cold period at the moment. unfortunately we have never really had a talk about how we feel about%2

Edited September 2, 2011 by Ayla

[Tasha49]

You made the right choice.

Just remember for future cases that you did have all the signs here: I.e. he didn't want to commit - the reasons do not matter as the outcome is the same; And you should never wait up for anyone (just a thumb rule).

 

I definitely have learned my lesson. Sadly a year too late =\

[Ayla]

...it cut oput half my post! See the rest of it...

 

...I undertsand why you would to end it, and at this point in time - probably the right thing to do.

 

If his situation is similar to my guy - I can imagine that he would be quite scared of getting close to someone again...but themselves on the line. Did he get with other girls during periods where he was cool towards you? although it is the wrong thing to do on his behalf - this might be his way of justifying to himself why he should pull away from you.

 

Unfortunately I have found that men tend to be a lot more sensitive and hold onto hurt a lot longer than women...

 

Sometimes they don't know a good thing when it is right in front of them!

[Tasha49]

I feel for you...I really do. I too love a man who is simialr. However have not gone as far as you two did in our 'relationship'.

 

It is really tough, and I guess understandign why he is like he is, is important. My guy was cheated on my his ex of 10 years and the mother of his daughter...and she is now engaged to that man. We first dated at the end of last year but I ended it because I was going to get hurt, as he was not ready for a relationship. I did say to him that when he was ready, maybe we could try again.

 

 

Now - after a few months of not speaking and we started being friends, and have slowly been getting closer. But he still does the hot cold thing - less often - but we are currently in a cold period at the moment. unfortunately we have never really had a talk about how we feel about%2

 

Odd. This guy was cheated on by his first love and gf of 6 years and she left him and is with the other dude still. So that could play a part in the reason... but I also think that now that he is free to date other people, he wants to date me but have unattached sex with other girls since he never got to play the field before. And at what point is that okay to do to someone you care for? It's wrong. He knows I am one hell of a girl buy he wants me to wait for him while he hooks up at parties and what not until he's ready to settle.

 

He doesn't want to invest all the time and effort a relationship consiss of and is okay with that, yet he doesn't understand how I'm not. I want someone to find me WORTH that time and effort...

[Ayla]

Not sure if you saw the rest of my post - thagt for some reason got cut off.

 

"I can imagine that he would be quite scared of getting close to someone again...but themselves on the line. Did he get with other girls during periods where he was cool towards you? although it is the wrong thing to do on his behalf - this might be his way of justifying to himself why he should pull away from you.

 

Unfortunately I have found that men tend to be a lot more sensitive and hold onto hurt a lot longer than women...

 

Sometimes they don't know a good thing when it is right in front of them! Or they know, but it scares the hell out of them!"

[phillyfan]

Thanks!! I feel relieved. He's been trying exceptionally hard to get my attention. If I don't text him back he gets paranoid (since I always would reply within 5 mins) and sends me another text if I don't reply right back. I saw him at work today and he was being so nice and he grabbed me and hugged me and told me he was gonna buy me a Blink 182 shirt from their concert tonight. I told him we're just friends now and he can't be doing this stuff. He was very upset and his eyes got all watery. He called me yesterday morning (morning after I broke it off) to tell me he just needed to hear my voice. You see... he does all these things that show he really cares and he's more sweet when he usually doesn't do that to this extent. Right after I walk away. Then he pulls me back in because he makes me feel like he's trying more so then I think it's going in a really good direction and so I come back. But not this time... now I know it's not going anywhere.

 

Yea yea, the dudes a loser his ego is CRYING girl its CRYIN thts why hes afta u again. Girl u r STRONG, keep on bein strong, good 4 u girl.

[Tasha49]

Not sure if you saw the rest of my post - thagt for some reason got cut off.

 

"I can imagine that he would be quite scared of getting close to someone again...but themselves on the line. Did he get with other girls during periods where he was cool towards you? although it is the wrong thing to do on his behalf - this might be his way of justifying to himself why he should pull away from you.

 

Unfortunately I have found that men tend to be a lot more sensitive and hold onto hurt a lot longer than women...

 

Sometimes they don't know a good thing when it is right in front of them! Or they know, but it scares the hell out of them!"

 

He slept with 3 girls. One was within the first two months we were getting to know each other. So that one wasn't TOO bad. The second was at a party he invited me too where he used to live and that was about 5 months in. He slept with her in his room while I was at the party. So it hurt a LOT. at this time we had been spending 90% of our time together. He'd invite me over to cook dinner with him and his 2 roommates and we would watch a movie after and then go to sleep together. When we would wake up we made breakfast together and then went to work together. After work it was the same thing over again. Him initiating everything usually.

 

The 3rd was a new girl (at that time) we work with. This was a year into everything. He knew how much I disliked her. I had no reason to when I first met her at work but I just got a really bad vibe out of nowhere. I told him this. Later I found out he got her number and invited her to a party of his and not me. She declined. Few weeks later another co-worker of ours had a BBQ and of course my guy invited the new girl. She came this time.

 

I asked him to please not do anything with her. He said there was no way he would. As soon as they got to drinking they were both all over each other. Right in front of me. I even TOLD her about him and I and that we were kind of seeing each other. But she just didn't care apparently. Still was all over him. And he was flirting. I could honestly not believe my eyes. He was a whole other person.

 

Long story short they left together. He came over to me and said he was taking her home but would drive back to get me. My heart froze over right there. I was soooo so so hurt and mad. She lived 20 minutes away from where the BBQ was and me 30. What sense would it make to drive her 20 minutes to her place, drive 20 back to get me, then 30 to get to where I live? I smelled the bs from a mile away. I wasn't dumb. Later he denied they did anything. He said he just dropped her off at her friends house. Then he said that is when he asked if I wanted him to come get me (which I declined. I got a ride from my other co-worker). Later the next day I told him I am so done. He begged me to stay and said that this made him finally realize he loves me. Then I said it isn't good enough and then he said he wanted a relationship then. Like a retard I believed all of this. He changed his mind the same night...

But not about loving me.

 

I went to his place the next day and found a condom wrapper on top of his garbage when I went to put my gum in there. I froze. I told him I can't believe he lied. He said he didn't... and that the condom was expired so he threw it out. The condom wasn't in the wrapper... anyway... a few weeks ago I found out she sent him a text that night (which was back in April) saying "We going to your place after or what?"

 

So I am not dumb. I can't believe he did that to me. At that point we were perfect up until that night. We were Spending a lot of quality time together and he was the most charming and caring guy I have even met ever. So it broke my heart. He KNEW I didn't like her and had bad feelings that they would hook up. Guess he proved me right...

[Tasha49]

Thanks for caring everyone

[FitChick]

You put up with more crap than most women would, so it's a lesson learned -- don't do it again. You are not his shrink and his problems are of his own making. Pity him but move on. You deserve someone who will appreciate you and now that you've awakened, I think you will find him.

[Tasha49]

You put up with more crap than most women would, so it's a lesson learned -- don't do it again. You are not his shrink and his problems are of his own making. Pity him but move on. You deserve someone who will appreciate you and now that you've awakened, I think you will find him.

 

Thank you! I think that is why I am not such a mess about it being over. Because I finally realize I deserve so much more than this crap. I gave up 3 times prior to this but those times I still felt like he could change his mind. But now it has been a year and a half. Or just under. And with his answer of not wanting to put the time and effort into a relationship with me... it totally made me wake up.