wannabdone Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Just an interesting thought. On this forum when the OW speaks, everyone tells her "he doesn't love you", "he's not yours, he's her's", etc, etc. I went on a web site that was for people whos spouses have cheated. I really wanted to get perspective of the W/H that has a cheating spouse. Just like in the OW/OM forum's stories all sound the same, so do they on the their forums. Where on the OW/OM forum's there are so much hurt and love, on the W/H forum, there is hurt but so much bitterness. Its so sad. But the one thing that stuck out to me, is that on the W/H forums, they all say ....."he's not yours, he's hers", "he doesn't love you", etc. etc. THE SAME THINGS WE SAY!!!! So, I think it goes with out saying..... THE ONLY PERSON THIS GUY LOVES IS HIM!!!!! He belongs to no one, but him and his selfishness. I do know that there are some instances, that this isn't the truth. Some men truly love the OW, and for certain circumstances, they just can not be. But there is definitely a large number of them that seem to just be just running game, and shame on them for running game with people lives.
Saul Goodman Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) "We're not so different, you and I." A few key details can make all the difference in the world. But I see what you're getting at wannab. Where on the OW/OM forum's there are so much hurt and love, on the W/H forum, there is hurt but so much bitterness. Its so sad.I wouldn't be surprised if there was an overlap of emotions between these types of forums. There are a few APs here that some would label as being "bitter". Me? I would just say that they are still processing their emotions in some way. From a quick scan of LS's Infidelity forum, I can see a couple of BSs that are still very much in love with their partners. Guess we aren't so different after all. As a current BH and past OM, the only thing that makes me feel bitter is the overuse of the b-word on this forum. THE SAME THINGS WE SAY!!!! So, I think it goes with out saying..... THE ONLY PERSON THIS GUY LOVES IS HIM!!!!! He belongs to no one, but him and his selfishness. I do know that there are some instances, that this isn't the truth. Some men truly love the OW, and for certain circumstances, they just can not be. But there is definitely a large number of them that seem to just be just running game, and shame on them for running game with people lives. Being a cynic, I would say that the majority of WSs are (overall) quite selfish. But I often see the annoyingly vague line "life isn't so black and white." over here, which does have some merit. The majority of the time, it's to imply that the BS is a poor enough spouse that the WS is driven to have an affair. Ironically, this is quite a black and white way of looking at things. Here's a annoyingly vague (but less pretentious) line that I think is more appropriate for this forum: It all depends on the circumstances...life's complicated. Edited September 2, 2011 by Saul Goodman
Author wannabdone Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Oh no... I totally agree. It is complicated. I didn't want to imply everyone in this. And I do know good people get sucked into things. Just seems to be very eye opening to me that more and more people seem to maybe be falling out of this category and into the selfish category.
bentnotbroken Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Just an interesting thought. On this forum when the OW speaks, everyone tells her "he doesn't love you", "he's not yours, he's her's", etc, etc. I went on a web site that was for people whos spouses have cheated. I really wanted to get perspective of the W/H that has a cheating spouse. Just like in the OW/OM forum's stories all sound the same, so do they on the their forums. Where on the OW/OM forum's there are so much hurt and love, on the W/H forum, there is hurt but so much bitterness. Its so sad. But the one thing that stuck out to me, is that on the W/H forums, they all say ....."he's not yours, he's hers", "he doesn't love you", etc. etc. THE SAME THINGS WE SAY!!!! So, I think it goes with out saying..... THE ONLY PERSON THIS GUY LOVES IS HIM!!!!! He belongs to no one, but him and his selfishness. I do know that there are some instances, that this isn't the truth. Some men truly love the OW, and for certain circumstances, they just can not be. But there is definitely a large number of them that seem to just be just running game, and shame on them for running game with people lives. I have always felt this way. The cheating spouse only loves themselves while they are cheating. You don't plan to hurt the people you love. While in an affair you plan ways to be with the AP, which hurts the spouse and maybe the AP. The only one getting the real love is the one cheating....if you can call that love.
Spark1111 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 It wasn't that he developed feelings for another that killed me (although that of course hurt to the core). It was that he lied to me everyday to do so. He told her he was in a loveless marriage, staying until last left for school, blah, blah, blah. She bought it hook, line and sinker. Poor baby, my love will save you when someday, we can finally be together forever. But what many an OW/OM does not realize until after the fact, is that by lying to the BS, the WS is controlling them; their choices and their future. The WS is maintaining the status quo, not the BS. That's the height of selfishness, IMO. Why not honestly disclose you have developed feelings for another; separate and get to counseling to see if there is a marriage worth saving, and here's the biggie --ALLOW YOUR SPOUSE TO DATE OTHERS TOO to see if they can find their soulmate. At least, in its honesty, there would be respect no matter what the outcome of the marriage or the affair. When an OW buys into the excuses, they enable the deception. When a BS is informed of the affair but still clings and does not demand radical changes, they buy into the delusion. The MAP seems to continue to reap all the benefits, no? I always maintained OW and BS have much more in common than we'd like to think: We love the same selfish, self-entitled, coward.
Saul Goodman Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Oh no... I totally agree. It is complicated. I didn't want to imply everyone in this. And I do know good people get sucked into things. Just seems to be very eye opening to me that more and more people seem to maybe be falling out of this category and into the selfish category. Like I said, as a cynic I agree with you. People can have incredibly complex motives for doing things. They can also have conveniently simplistic motives too. Is he having an affair because of years of neglect and bottled up angst, combined with the stresses of daily life and an overall feeling of inadequacy, culminating in a romantic rendezvous with a close female friend? Or is it because he really likes pussy/doesn't know how to handle marital problems constructively? Of course, this level of selfishness can be found everywhere. So don't worry about it.
spice4life Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 It wasn't that he developed feelings for another that killed me (although that of course hurt to the core). It was that he lied to me everyday to do so. He told her he was in a loveless marriage, staying until last left for school, blah, blah, blah. She bought it hook, line and sinker. Poor baby, my love will save you when someday, we can finally be together forever. But what many an OW/OM does not realize until after the fact, is that by lying to the BS, the WS is controlling them; their choices and their future. The WS is maintaining the status quo, not the BS. That's the height of selfishness, IMO. Why not honestly disclose you have developed feelings for another; separate and get to counseling to see if there is a marriage worth saving, and here's the biggie --ALLOW YOUR SPOUSE TO DATE OTHERS TOO to see if they can find their soulmate. At least, in its honesty, there would be respect no matter what the outcome of the marriage or the affair. When an OW buys into the excuses, they enable the deception. When a BS is informed of the affair but still clings and does not demand radical changes, they buy into the delusion. The MAP seems to continue to reap all the benefits, no? I always maintained OW and BS have much more in common than we'd like to think: We love the same selfish, self-entitled, coward. As always, excellent post spark111! Honesty in these situations would be absolutely fabulous, but as we all know, it is higly unlikely. If my xMM had the courage to lay it all out and be honest with everyone, I might have felt differently in the end.
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