bluenightowl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 For those who subscribe to exclusivity (not dating anyone else) before you have sex, I'm curious if any of you who have been dating someone for a while have ever found yourself in a situation where you and your date are about to, or are very likely headed towards sex. A bit more information. At this point, you have never talked about exclusivity and you are still not sure where they stand. What to do? 1. Confront them right then and there and ask them how they feel about being exclusive and then have a merry time together if you get a yes? But what if its a BIG no and they say they need more time and don't know what they want yet and its only been 5 dates and they want to continue to date other people. Would you even want to continue to date them? No everything is getting messy. 2. Try to avoid sex, and wait for a better time to discuss things. This could be awkward, and what if you're a guy. Might she think you are not that into her. Will she end up confused and rejected because she assumes most men want sex and suddenly you are saying no. Or if you're a woman and feel that rejected his advances after 5 dates, he might think you don't like sex. 3. Or keep quiet have a fabulous time, and talk about it in the morning (the last option, I've asked in a different post more or less, sorry for repetition ). The problem here is in the morning he/she might leave never to return, or say I want to date other people (now you might be thinking she/he will f*** other people just like you, and are also wondering why they would even want to see other people after such a fabulous night. This really isn't an option since now you've had sex and wanted to establish exclusivity before sex, but nonetheless you bent the rules this one time and communicated just a few hours afterwards.
Cypress25 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 2. Try to avoid sex, and wait for a better time to discuss things. Option #2. I'll stop the guy before it goes too far, but I wouldn't choose that moment to discuss the relationship. I would simply explain that I'm not ready for sex yet, but I'm happy to continue whatever we're doing (kissing, making out, etc). I've always done this and it's never been awkward. Guys have always been very understanding.
Butterflying Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Call me lame, but I cringe at the idea of waiting for exclusivity to have sex with someone you're attracted to. First of all, it takes a while to get to know someone well enough to make that commitment. Sometimes months. Then if you decide not to be exclusive, you've spent all that time without sex. And if you repeat this pattern with the next partner, you may very well end up not having sex for years until you find ONE person who will commit. All of this and you're not even getting married!!! Whose to say, after you finally commit to someone, they dump you right after having sex. Then you will have wasted all that time waiting for nothing, basically. I say have sex whenever you feel comfortable. If a person cares about you, sex can only make things better. If they don't care about you, witholding sex is not going to make them want you. People do this in order to control another person in a relationship. It's not fair!!
zengirl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I say have sex whenever you feel comfortable. If a person cares about you, sex can only make things better. If they don't care about you, witholding sex is not going to make them want you. People do this in order to control another person in a relationship. It's not fair!! Personally, I don't hold off on sex in order to "control" the relationship; I do it in order to be true to myself and my values. I'm not comfortable having sex until I know the other person is on the same page with building a potential future with me, which is what I consider a relationship to be. Just another perspective, but it's not about control. It's about who I am and who I want to share my body with. Also: Yes, holding off on sex = going reasonably long periods without sex, though I disagree that it takes me 'months' to decide whether I want to be in a relationship with someone. I have always known within a month and often sooner. If you are spending a lot of time together (which for me is essential), it becomes easy to (a) stop seeing people on your own and (b) see if the other person has done the same. Almost all my relationships have become "official" within a month of the first date, many of them sooner, though the time I waited to have sex has varied, it was almost always after that point (though not immediately after in any case). For those who subscribe to exclusivity (not dating anyone else) before you have sex, I'm curious if any of you who have been dating someone for a while have ever found yourself in a situation where you and your date are about to, or are very likely headed towards sex. Nope. I guess I'd do #2, but honestly, this has never been an issue for me. I don't date women, so someone else should maybe jump in as to how they react, but I have found that keeping boundaries with good men is really easy. They will always wait for me to deepen something before they escalate. I also don't spend much time at my home or his home before being exclusive (a make-dinner-together date maybe or a stop in before or after dates, but all in the "living" areas), so that helps. If I feel like a boundary will be an issue, I communicate --- for instance, with one exBF, on our 4th date, I knew it was likely we'd have to crash at the same place, and I said so but then said, "Crash doesn't mean I'm ready for anything physical. It means we may need to make the pullout couch. ;)" It had the winky smiley face because it was a text. He was fine with that. We did wind up snuggling most of the night, but at the end of it, we had our separate beds, and he didn't try anything. If a guy were to randomly and immediately try to escalate to sex when we'd never had it, he would turn me off immediately, and I might not go out with him again, honestly. So, I simply de-escalate if I'm not ready. I don't even really get into petting and such prior to sex, so de-escalating is easy --- no one is horizontal, everyone is still dressed. Never been a problem.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Nope. I guess I'd do #2, but honestly, this has never been an issue for me. I don't date women, so someone else should maybe jump in as to how they react, but I have found that keeping boundaries with good men is really easy. They will always wait for me to deepen something before they escalate. I also don't spend much time at my home or his home before being exclusive (a make-dinner-together date maybe or a stop in before or after dates, but all in the "living" areas), so that helps. If I feel like a boundary will be an issue, I communicate --- for instance, with one exBF, on our 4th date, I knew it was likely we'd have to crash at the same place, and I said so but then said, "Crash doesn't mean I'm ready for anything physical. It means we may need to make the pullout couch. ;)" It had the winky smiley face because it was a text. He was fine with that. We did wind up snuggling most of the night, but at the end of it, we had our separate beds, and he didn't try anything. If a guy were to randomly and immediately try to escalate to sex when we'd never had it, he would turn me off immediately, and I might not go out with him again, honestly. So, I simply de-escalate if I'm not ready. I don't even really get into petting and such prior to sex, so de-escalating is easy --- no one is horizontal, everyone is still dressed. Never been a problem. Zengirl, I think you make your boundaries very clear to men, and that makes it easy for us guys. I'm thinking more of a scenario where one party (lets say the woman) is making lots of sexual innuendo, and is inviting you back to their place for drinks.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Option #2. I'll stop the guy before it goes too far, but I wouldn't choose that moment to discuss the relationship. I would simply explain that I'm not ready for sex yet, but I'm happy to continue whatever we're doing (kissing, making out, etc). I've always done this and it's never been awkward. Guys have always been very understanding. That makes sense. Its much more challenging when the other person doesn't stop the guy/girl and you have to stop yourself.
zengirl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Zengirl, I think you make your boundaries very clear to men, and that makes it easy for us guys. I'm thinking more of a scenario where one party (lets say the woman) is making lots of sexual innuendo, and is inviting you back to their place for drinks. Yes, I probably do. And I don't know if that'd work for men or not. I think it would --- at least I like it when men make their boundaries clear --- but it likely depends on the type of gal they want to find. If a woman is coming on very strong, you can still de-escalate. You could go up for the drink but say, "Okay, just one. Wish I could stick around all night, but I've got work/errand/whatever in the morning." Kiss passionately but when she goes for more, grab her hands (romantically! you can curl them in yours, kiss up them, or such, to make it look like a romantic gesture) and keep them away from . . . um, areas . . . if you don't want sex to happen. And you can even straight up tell her. An exBF of mine who I dated for a long time, lived with, and was almost engaged to will not have sex till he's in love. That's the longest I've ever waited (about 3 months), and I would've found that odd had he not told me his stance. After hearing his stance, I was fine. In fact, I appreciated his view on it. Some girls might not, but he knows they're not for him. It's all about being true to yourself.
EasyHeart Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 If a woman is making a lot of sexually suggestive comments early in our dating, then I know that she and I are not compatible as long-term partners. I will decide at that point if I want to take up her offer, but I'll know that I have no interest in a LTR with her. Generally, after I've gone out with a woman several times, I'll simply ask (if she doesn't beat me to it), "Are you seeing anyone else?" Assuming she gives me some version of "No", then I say, "So we're exclusive?" and she'll say "Yes". I don't think there really is any reason it has to be more complicated than that. Personally, I've never had much interest in sleeping with more than one woman at a time (unless I could convince my GF to have a threesome with me and her best friend from middle school, of course), so for me dating usually goes in three stages: (1) Getting to know each other (1-5 dates); (2) exclusive dating (5+ dates) and (3) relationship (~3 months). There's no sex in stage 1; sex happens sometime in stage 2. Exclusivity talk is the transition from stage 1 to stage 2.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 If a woman is making a lot of sexually suggestive comments early in our dating, then I know that she and I are not compatible as long-term partners. I will decide at that point if I want to take up her offer, but I'll know that I have no interest in a LTR with her. I'm slightly baffled why a woman being sexually suggestive early in dating means she isn't LTR material? Maybe she really likes you and only you. Generally, after I've gone out with a woman several times, I'll simply ask (if she doesn't beat me to it), "Are you seeing anyone else?" Assuming she gives me some version of "No", then I say, "So we're exclusive?" and she'll say "Yes". I don't think there really is any reason it has to be more complicated than that. Personally, I've never had much interest in sleeping with more than one woman at a time (unless I could convince my GF to have a threesome with me and her best friend from middle school, of course), so for me dating usually goes in three stages: (1) Getting to know each other (1-5 dates); (2) exclusive dating (5+ dates) and (3) relationship (~3 months). There's no sex in stage 1; sex happens sometime in stage 2. Exclusivity talk is the transition from stage 1 to stage 2. That's generally my approach to dating as well, but I have gotten tripped up with very attractive women that want to fool around. I find it very hard to say no, and sometimes have gotten burned afterwards, although I suppose some other men might feel I got lucky, I never view it that way unless it leads to a LTR. I find most women in general who have sex almost expect a relationship or at least exclusive dating, but I've started to encounter a few women that are either players or out of a LTR, or just want sex for fun. I almost never even thought about it before that and just assumed if they wanted sex that they wanted a relationship. I've never been the casual sex type, but having sex and then finding out they aren't ready for a relationship, I suppose means I am now having casual sex. I'm curious though, if you make your intentions clear to a woman that you want to be exclusive and she says its too early, but on later dates wants to have sex (yet still not exclusivity) what does that say about her?
oaks Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 so for me dating usually goes in three stages: (1) Getting to know each other (1-5 dates); (2) exclusive dating (5+ dates) and (3) relationship (~3 months). There's no sex in stage 1; sex happens sometime in stage 2. Exclusivity talk is the transition from stage 1 to stage 2. What's the difference between exclusive dating (where you've had a talk/agreement that you are exclusive, as you described) and relationship?
EasyHeart Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 What's the difference between exclusive dating (where you've had a talk/agreement that you are exclusive, as you described) and relationship?There's not really any practical difference. It's more that at about the 3 month point I start thinking "this might be serious" and "do I really want her as a girlfriend or are we just biding time?" If we stay together after that, in my mind I need a really good reason to break it off.
EasyHeart Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I'm slightly baffled why a woman being sexually suggestive early in dating means she isn't LTR material? Maybe she really likes you and only you.It could be that I am so sexay that I drive her insane with lust, but even my ego isn't that big. It's really only come up a few times, and it's always been a kind of crass. And it comes across as needy/desperate, which is a huge turnoff for me. I find most women in general who have sex almost expect a relationship or at least exclusive dating, but I've started to encounter a few women that are either players or out of a LTR, or just want sex for fun. I almost never even thought about it before that and just assumed if they wanted sex that they wanted a relationship. I've never been the casual sex type, but having sex and then finding out they aren't ready for a relationship, I suppose means I am now having casual sex. That's been my experience as well. I'm curious though, if you make your intentions clear to a woman that you want to be exclusive and she says its too early, but on later dates wants to have sex (yet still not exclusivity) what does that say about her?I don't know what it says about her, but I don't want to have sex with anyone without exclusivity. (At least at this point in my life. I'm not claiming that I've never had sex with a woman without being exclusive, but that's how I feel nowadays).
Andy_K Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 3) I'm a guy. When I'm single and looking for LTR, I'm quite happy with a casual fling also. As such, there's no point me bringing up the discussion before sex, because if she doesn't want anything more I'm not going to feel used or like I wasted my time. It's a win-win situation. If she wants something more, she'll bring it up or hint at it sooner or later.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 3) I'm a guy. When I'm single and looking for LTR, I'm quite happy with a casual fling also. As such, there's no point me bringing up the discussion before sex, because if she doesn't want anything more I'm not going to feel used or like I wasted my time. It's a win-win situation. If she wants something more, she'll bring it up or hint at it sooner or later. Sure. Would you bring it up after sex, or just keep dating her until she says something? At what point does a LTR matter more to you than the sex. you picked #3, so perhaps you would ask her in the morning?
Author bluenightowl Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Call me lame, but I cringe at the idea of waiting for exclusivity to have sex with someone you're attracted to. First of all, it takes a while to get to know someone well enough to make that commitment. Sometimes months. Then if you decide not to be exclusive, you've spent all that time without sex. And if you repeat this pattern with the next partner, you may very well end up not having sex for years until you find ONE person who will commit. All of this and you're not even getting married!!! Whose to say, after you finally commit to someone, they dump you right after having sex. Then you will have wasted all that time waiting for nothing, basically. I say have sex whenever you feel comfortable. If a person cares about you, sex can only make things better. If they don't care about you, witholding sex is not going to make them want you. People do this in order to control another person in a relationship. It's not fair!! I think people do this to protect themselves esp. women, but some men as well. I think people shouldn't have to wait months to know they like you. Think of it this way. You have sex after 3 dates, and he dumps you for the two other women he's also having sex with and he tells you, you were fun for sex. Thanks. Is that a win for you versus waiting a few more dates or simply asking how he feels about just dating each other. I think women are on the winning side of the sex game, if you want sex. I think its a bit trickier to establish a LTR with some men and going for sex too soon is a great way for a man to put you into the not good for a relationship category.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) Generally, after I've gone out with a woman several times, I'll simply ask (if she doesn't beat me to it), "Are you seeing anyone else?" Assuming she gives me some version of "No", then I say, "So we're exclusive?" and she'll say "Yes". I don't think there really is any reason it has to be more complicated than that. unless she says YES. Would you continue to date her while she dates other guys whom may not care to ask the question you did. How fun is that to court a woman whom you know wants to have sex with you and other men, and likely more so, now that you just said no to sex because she doesn't want to be exclusive with you. I thought about this a lot, but I'm convinced that if a woman has sex with you and still doesn't want to commit to be exclusive, its over. She will never change her mind about you, and the same for men. Many men with have sex with woman, but don't want a LTR, and I think its even more strange when a woman won't commit to exclusivity since the vast majority get so anxious after sex and the man leaving, they will commit even if they are not sure. Edited September 2, 2011 by bluenightowl
Cypress25 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Call me lame, but I cringe at the idea of waiting for exclusivity to have sex with someone you're attracted to. First of all, it takes a while to get to know someone well enough to make that commitment. Sometimes months. Then if you decide not to be exclusive, you've spent all that time without sex. And if you repeat this pattern with the next partner, you may very well end up not having sex for years until you find ONE person who will commit. All of this and you're not even getting married!!! Whose to say, after you finally commit to someone, they dump you right after having sex. Then you will have wasted all that time waiting for nothing, basically. I say have sex whenever you feel comfortable. If a person cares about you, sex can only make things better. If they don't care about you, witholding sex is not going to make them want you. People do this in order to control another person in a relationship. It's not fair!! I'm with zengirl and bluenightowl on this one. It's not about control, and I'm not deliberately withholding anything. You say people should have sex whenever they feel comfortable, and that's exactly what I do. I'm not comfortable having sex outside of a committed relationship. It doesn't feel right to me and it would only make me feel bad about myself. Yes, it does require a little extra patience, but I don't mind waiting. I went through a 2.5 year relationship and then another 8-month relationship without having sex. I was young and I just wasn't ready yet. So now, waiting 3-4 months before having sex with a new boyfriend doesn't seem like a big deal. We still have physical intimacy, and I enjoy taking the time to build emotional intimacy before we have sex. Waiting doesn't feel like torture to me. Some people are worth the wait. And even if you never have sex with that person, that doesn't mean it was a waste of time. I've had meaningful relationships without sex. And I've never had trouble finding a guy who would commit. I usually date relationship-minded guys.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 Call me lame, but I cringe at the idea of waiting for exclusivity to have sex with someone you're attracted to. First of all, it takes a while to get to know someone well enough to make that commitment. Sometimes months. Then if you decide not to be exclusive, you've spent all that time without sex. And if you repeat this pattern with the next partner, you may very well end up not having sex for years until you find ONE person who will commit. All of this and you're not even getting married!!! Whose to say, after you finally commit to someone, they dump you right after having sex. Then you will have wasted all that time waiting for nothing, basically. I say have sex whenever you feel comfortable. If a person cares about you, sex can only make things better. If they don't care about you, witholding sex is not going to make them want you. People do this in order to control another person in a relationship. It's not fair!! I'm not sure what commitment you are talking about. For me it just means not dating anyone else. There are many ways to date, and I would argue having your full attention on someone is the easiest way. To me it doesn't mean much more than that. How can you build trust with a guy/girl knowing she/he and maybe you as well are shagging other people a few hours later. To me, what you're saying is well is I'll take whatever I can get, rather I demand more. As mentioned earlier. You're a woman, and I do feel you're in the power position regarding sex. Many men don't care about the relationship as much as sex.
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