I've now been the Scorned husband, Wayward husband, Other Man

[twice shy]

Discovered wife cheating six years ago after 10 years of marriage. She'd gotten involved with the handy man who had done some work at our house. This guy was not what i would have thought she'd (or any self respecting woman) ever cheat with. He was married with kids, 10 year older, bald, overweight, smoker, cocaine user, rap sheet as long as my arm, uneducated, etc. Despite all of these thuggish qualities, she'd bring him into our house after our kids were asleep when I would travel for work.

 

We are a younger couple who people see as attractive and this was admittedly something I had difficulty grasping. I know it takes all kinds and that these things aren't easily explained. But as weird as this sounds, i could see her cheating (we really weren't getting along that great), but this is a very beautiful lady and I would have thought she would have cheated with with some other kind of guy. I took this hard and I took this so personally. Anyway, I was devastated and stunned but decided to stay "for the kids" as they say.

 

We tried counseling and a half-hearted attempted at reconciliation, but this didn't really work. The wife wasn't really into it. In fact, she didn't even really seem that sorry. She did eventually break if off with Handy Man but she never really got back into me. We should have just gotten a divorce then, but we didn't. Eventually we settled into a long, cold war type marriage. To this day, we sleep in separate bedrooms, we don't have sex and we rarely speak about things other than the children. No arguing, no fighting, just emptiness. Depressing as hell, actually.

 

Meanwhile, I began to do my own thing. I like to go out and see friends and go bars, to the beach, etc. For years, I wouldn't hit on women or try to talk to any of them. Such was the blow to my self esteem and the feeling of worthlessness that had overcome me after the wife's affair.

 

A few months ago, I started flirting with a married woman who works at another firm in my building. One thing led to another, and I suddenly found myself really liking this woman. We would text and call all the time and we would have such a fun time on dates when we went out. As silly as this sounds, at first we thought it was "safe" because neither of us expected the other to leave his/her spouse for the other. Unfortunately, as things got hot and heavy she got careless and got busted by her husband.

 

She's young and sexy and i really enjoyed hanging out with her and all that. But as twisted as this sounds, with this woman I felt a tremendous rehabilitation of my self esteem. She would compare me to her husband and by comparison, I was a better everything. I have a career (he's chronically unemployed), I am very fit (he's an overweight guy), i'm younger, I am a passionate lover (he taxes the Viagra and usually doesn't bother), I dance (he watches), etc. etc.

 

Anyway, I couldn't help but think this whole time, "why didn't my wife cheat with somebody better"? But truthfully for the first time in 5 years, I felt like an interesting, pretty woman, actually was genuinely interested in me and I admit, the attention was flattering and down right intoxicating.

 

We're now in the stage immediately after discovery of the affair where she doesn't want to give up her lover. He is crying all the time begging her to save the marriage I know all too well what she's going through and what he's going through so I am just stepping back and not doing/saying anything.

 

Despite his orders, she calls me still and she is planning on continuing seeing me. She tells me that he alternates between telling her how much he's going to change and badgering her into telling everything and forcing her to take a lie detector test.

 

I have clearly told her that she should ease up with "us" and figure out whether she wants to stay, leave, or what. But I am out.

 

I do feel bad because her husband seems like a decent fellow and I still remember those painful feelings of betrayal. I don't feel so bad for her. This isn't her first affair (though the other one wasn't discovered) and if she stays in this marriage, it more than likely wont' be her last.

 

My wife doesn't know about this and i dont' think she'd care if she knew. Ironically, this has finally made me see my own relationship in a new light. I have finally decided that I want to move out after these wasted post-affair years.

 

I know that this is messy and that there are so many better decisions i could have made. But I can't help to feel as though this affair has somehow helped me to exorcise some of my own demons and help me in a couple of significant ways: both to finally feel wanted and as a catalyst to help me decide to move out, be by myself and start over.

 

Certainly an ironic twist for me.

[StoneCold]

As I have said before here...sometimes revenge is a good thing...embrace it.

 

But you wonder why your wife didnt cheat on you with better.....she actually did. The feeling she had with the handy man is "better" than the feeling she had with you...looks/appearance, achievements are trumped by the feeling everytime

[StoneCold]

stop to be OM. you destroyed her M. both of you deserve to be slapped.

divorce your wife and never destroy any family you are disgusting by being OM.

 

 

How do you know the family wasnt already destryoed?

[StoneCold]

i mean not to do it again.

 

 

You said in two instances in your post that he destroyed the family....how does that mean "not to do it again"??

 

I challenge how you are so certain that he is the one that destoyed her family

[StoneCold]

. i am certain he destroyed her family by having affair with her.

 

 

I dont know the situation but from what was described I'm sure that family was destroyed a long time ago.

 

Simply staying married and cohabitating is not a proper "family"

[imagine]

Twice shy,

 

Congrats on deciding that living with WW is no longer possible. Did it have to take an adulterous relationship to do this?

 

The questions are: Can you bow out from the married relationship completely until they are reunited or divorced? Do you want to enter into a partnership with an adulterous woman? Can you explain the circumstances to your wife and children? Have you identified the problems in your own marriage that may have caused its demise?

 

I recommend that you read the articles in marriagebuilders regarding marital problems.

[bentnotbroken]

WOW:eek:. Will wonders never cease?

[Osiris1234]

A few months ago, I started flirting with a married woman who works at another firm in my building

 

That was your first mistake, flirting with a married woman who is also your coworker.

[twice shy]

That was your first mistake, flirting with a married woman who is also your coworker.

 

i know that this is nitpicking, but she's not my coworker. she works in my building (a large office building), but at a different firm.

 

and yes, it was a mistake however you look at it.

[twice shy]

Twice shy,

 

Congrats on deciding that living with WW is no longer possible. Did it have to take an adulterous relationship to do this?

 

The questions are: Can you bow out from the married relationship completely until they are reunited or divorced? Do you want to enter into a partnership with an adulterous woman? Can you explain the circumstances to your wife and children? Have you identified the problems in your own marriage that may have caused its demise?

 

I recommend that you read the articles in marriagebuilders regarding marital problems.

 

 

Imagine,

 

It did not take an adulterous relationship to realize that the relationship with the wife was untenable. That was obvious to me for a very long time now. However, i truly did not believe before that relationship that i was desirable or interesting to women. This is what was the current affair revealed to me.

 

Some other answers .. . I didn't mean to imply that i was going to be continuing my affair with my girlfriend. In fact, quite the opposite. I meant to state in my post that I was going to be backing off until she figured out what she wanted. I even stated that I didn't feel so sorry for her since I wasn't even her first affair.

 

As far as my marriage, yes, the factors that caused its ultimate demise were, among others, that my wife cheated on me with a drug addicted loser.

 

I suppose i could explain the circumstances to my wife, but as I stated, I honestly don't think she cares. We rarely speak.

[twice shy]

As I have said before here...sometimes revenge is a good thing...embrace it.

 

But you wonder why your wife didnt cheat on you with better.....she actually did. The feeling she had with the handy man is "better" than the feeling she had with you...looks/appearance, achievements are trumped by the feeling everytime

 

No, i get that she got that "feeling". Perhaps it's naivete on my part, but I just don't think i would have been so hurt if she'd gotten that feeling from some successful, good looking guy. Or at least a normal average Joe. But to me, it started feeling like deliberately went out of her way to find the dregs of humanity to cheat with.

 

also, the irony is that revenge wasn't my motive. revenge may have been the impetus if this affair had taken place nearer to the actual affair that my wife had. but this was well after the event and frankly, i do feel like i'm over that initial hurt.

[twice shy]

stop to be OM. you destroyed her M. both of you deserve to be slapped.

divorce your wife and never destroy any family you are disgusting by being OM.

 

Thanks for the awesome advice. There's some thoughtful stuff in this post. Life changing, even.

[twice shy]

So...you decided to "back off" until she "makes a decision".

 

Are you prepared for the decision? What if she chooses you? Are you prepared for that? Or will you be like most other MOM/MM (mine included) and not have to b*lls to leave your W (oh I mean "the kids")? Or worse, will you string her along until she makes the first move and leaves her H for you...and then lose your b*lls (like mine)?

 

If you're not prepared for that, let her go. Unless of course your ok with playing 2nd indefinitely. The more you become invested in this "relationship", the harder you will both fall when you both decide that 2nd just ain't enough. BTDT.

 

LinD

 

 

Great questions.

 

I guess i don't know what i have planned for the future with this woman. I meant to explain that I simply didn't want to influence her decision for her marriage. That's why i'm backing off. Frankly, we haven't been together long enough for either of us to even dream of being together for the long haul.

 

I don't want her to leave so that she can be with me. And i don't want to leave so that I can be with her.

 

I want to leave for me. As you imply, maybe i wasn't just staying "for the kids" all this time. My kids were certainly a key reason that kept me here, but maybe that was only a part of it. Perhaps another more latent reason was that my own confidence wasn't where it needed to be and maybe i just lacked the courage to leave.

 

you've given me lots to ponder. thanks for the insight.

[twice shy]

A couple of points.

 

First, your wife didn't cheat with her OM "despite" his thuggishness. sHe cheated with him because of his thuggishness. She wanted a "bad boy."

 

Second, there's huge irony in your current situation--you simply traded one cheating, married woman (your wife) for another (your OW).

 

The fork in the road you have chosen to take just leads to another dead end.

 

Poster, I always picture the "bad boy" as the tough guy with the tattoos and motorcycle. I guess maybe she went "slumming" in this case since this guy was stupid, fat, and dopey as well.

 

the dude lives in a trailer park and got arrested for DUI with meth and crack in his car.

 

for some reason, in my mind, it seemed reasonable to me to compare myself to him as though her choice was a conscious one that involved weighing my pros and cons against his. in retrospect, this was a mistake on my part. i fell into (and kept myself in) a trap of my own making.

[sadcalifornian]

Although I feel good to hear that you had revenge affair to your WW, I don't like the part that you cheated with MOW. Your W certainly deserves some kind of consequence and this may be it. However, she does not know, so....?

 

Anyway, what you did with another couple's M is wrong. It may have been an ego booster for you, but it is just wrong. Please don't do it again. If you must do, do it with a single woman.

 

At any rate, you must do something about your M. You said you lacked confidence or whatever, but this is no way of living. You have to take action as to demand some kind of remorse from your W or otherwise D her. I know I am a very passive and indecisive person, and it cost me dearly over the years. I stayed in an extremely unhappy M for 10 years, but just because I lacked a ball, I continued to stay in the M until my XWW finally left with an exit A.

 

My XWW was a horrible wife and mother, but I just kept the status quo. Things were so bad that it repulsed me to touch her even before her A. And, look where it got me. You must do something about your M. That is a more urgent matter in my opinion.