kewell Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Please pardon my imperfect english and the twisted plot, but I'm trying my best.. It's quite a long story.. Hi, both me n my GF are 24. We've been together for 2 years and we love each other so much. She even told me that I am the best she has ever been with, even more then her ex that had been with her for 5 years. She told me she's grateful to have a BF that not only care about having fun with her, but care about her health, her work, her future, is dependable, and is serious towards marriage. Same thing with me. With her, I feel the utmost happiness. I'm really happy to be able to sacrifice everything for her happiness. I believe that I love her with all my heart, love her more than I love myself. I'm even willing to sacrifice my own feelings if she can convince me that she can be happier without me. I mean it. She's not just my love, she's more like a part of me already, and a best friend as well. I don't only love her, but respect her as well. But now, here is the problem... We are in an LDR, but not that "LONG" in distance. We're both Indonesians. While she's working in Jakarta, I have to work in Singapore which is only 2 hours flight distant. We meet once every month or 2 months the longest. But our relationship is now at stake because her Mum is indirectly pressurizing her to break up with me. She told me that "my GF will decide" and she "won't influence her decision". (Note that i quoted those 2 on purpose) Originally, her Mum likes me very much and does not have any issue with me. But she was once feeling offended by my step mother "chit-chat" questions that asked about: "What business do my GF's parents run?" and some other stuff like "How much is the space rental per month?". It sounds to her (my GF's mum) that my step mum was thinking that my GF's family is of a lower economy family and is afraid that in later times that I have to "feed" her parents. This is very untrue, even my closest friends, and EVEN MY GF thinks that her mum is overreacting. I have tried my best to convince her that there was no ill intention. But sadly, my GF's mum is still holding strong to that kind of perception. She accuses my father for not scolding my step mum as well. My parents have said sorry through me and is willing to meet my GF's mum to have an open conversation, but my GF's mum rejected it saying stuff like "Saying sorry is easy" and "My only trust and respect for your parents have gone". And there we have this kind of conflict between her and my parents since then. Her mum is very self-centered even her husband is afraid of her, let alone my GF. I will have to sacrifice my job in Singapore in the future to find new one in Jakarta, and give up my hope to take my GF there for better job opportunities, all was to meet her mum's demands: she does not want to be separated from her daughter (I'm willing to meet her demands). She can go until being sick or cry so that everyone should sympathize with her, even though I'm not saying that she does not fake it for being sick at several times. This has led my GF to a very stressful mode, thus distancing herself from me, acting cold at times. She explained that she's considering how our family will be if we get married, even though we know we love each other so much. She's worried that her mother will still not accept my parents, and by "choosing my parents over her mum" could "kill" her mother. I'm willing to give her time for this while we are separated by limitting my contact with her. But when we are together (means when I'm on holiday in Jakarta), I would still try to contact her and go out with her, and I can feel that she's still treating me with love although we are not as close as before. Just recently, I had an open conversation with her mum. Her mum explains that my GF and I are grown-ups and should be able to decide by ourselves. She said that she does not have any issue with me at all, only with my parents, but she is saying that she is leaving all this to my GF and will not influence her decision. She made everything sounds right to her, including saying like she's a religious person but cannot tolerate this kind of "humiliation", and like she only care her daughter's happiness but it sounds more like her own version of "happiness". Don't get me wrong. I can tolerate her mum and I know the consequences if I marry my GF one day, that she might still get on our way at times. I'm aware of it and ready for it. I respect her very much despite her negativities. I just can't accept that my GF may have to sacrifice her love and happiness only to please her mum and her so called pride. She loves her mum but is also afraid of her. I want her to understand that family won't be with her forever, but her chosen life partner will. And by choosing me, it does not mean that she's choosing me or my parents over her mother. I am totally at lost now on what I should do. Any input would be greatly appreciated. I don't mind any harsh words if anybody feels like saying it.
eelloo Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 hey.. no harsh words or anything for you, you totally dont deserve it. I feel really bad for u, i have asian parents, they arent super strict but they still hold traditional morals and values which they try to press onto me and it is very irritating I'm not sure what kind of advice i/anyone else can give you b/c it is a very tricky situation. Do you think the girlfriends mom would be open to going to family therapy or even just like couselling so she can be a little more open minded and see what the bigger picture is? I also feel bad for ur girlfriend because she is the middle person in all of this and she cannot choose any sides because it would hurt someone. Its up to your girlfriend though really, you have to ask her. In asian culture its very common that elders expect the children to sacrifice their happiness for the parents, its known as respect and discipline. but when it comes to something THIS big, getting married, starting a life with someone, parents not be able to have this much power over the situation. You and ur girlfriend love each other and see a future together, so who is she to come running between and causing a commotion, over what she believes is humiliation? That is very selfish of her, because if she cared for her daughters well being future and happiness maybe she should sacrifice a little and get over her stupid hurt feelings as u guys have already all apologized over and over. Tell your girlfriend that she can't live her whole life pleasing her mom, and even if she can for the most part, this incident is so much more than respect, pride, discipline, this is the begginning to her life with you and unless you don't make her daughter happy or treat her bad, then even as the mother she should not be able to make any desicions FOR HER DAUGHTER. Tell your girlfriend to look at the bigger picture, and for once to stop being afraid of her mother and stand up for herself, you, and the marriage you guys planned! If your girlfriend chooses to marry you becuase you make her happy, the mother should see that her daughters happiness is much more important than this so called pride she is craving for. If the mother cannot accept her daughter for marrying the man she loves, she is a very selfish woman and definetly needs some therapy to open her narrow mind up. It may make u look like the bad guy, but u really need to convince your daughter to think for her own happiness, and not sacrifice it for anyone (unless its neccessary which in this case its clearly not) if the mother loves her, even if she is against the wedding, she will eventually come around and want to be part of her life. But your girlfriend needs to make it clear to her mom, that if she does break up with you, it is because she is sacrificing her happiness in exchance for hers, and as a mom, isnt your main prioirty to value your kids happiness? ughhh some cultures, people grow up soooo closed minded and sooo stubborn. Good luck
eelloo Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 also her mom should not make her feel like she needs to choose between anyone. no one should need to choose between 2 people they love!!!! tell your girlfriend that, to be reasonable, be logical, live for herself and make her own choices in life. she obviously has her own discretion of what kind of person you are, and probably your family as well. if you and ur family had no ill intention, and she knows that you are being honest. who is her mom to go make a big fuss about it? seriously your girlfriend needs to think about it from more than a "disciplined/respectful" perspective. and really think of it from just a straight forward picture, and also what she really wants from it.
Author kewell Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Do you think the girlfriends mom would be open to going to family therapy or even just like couselling so she can be a little more open minded and see what the bigger picture is? This kind of thing will surely offend her even more.. I'm not confident of it.. But thanks for feeling for me, eelloo.. It's exactly like what my closest friends have said: my GF needs to stand up.. Your words can be useful to help her realize..
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