JenniC Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Hi there, This is my first post here, and I'm in rather a pickle. I just don't know what to think anymore. I'd REALLY appreciate replies. I really need someone to talk to. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost six months, and had dated for two before that. I'm 20, and he's 19. He's a LOVELY guy. I've never been with someone that I've cared about quite this much...yet recently, he's been beginning to worry me, and I don't know how to deal with this sort of behaviour. Now, this may seem like LITTLE things to you, but you have to read it as a build up of things that have led to making me feel really miserable. I'm all up for honesty, but sometimes he can be too honest. I don't want to know about his past conquests (he's had a LOT less than me, but I would never divulge them without him ASKING, I have more respect for him), yet he'll happily tell me the horrid things he's done before. For example, hitting on his friends (married) Mum. Just for the record, he was hardly a player. Or he'll show me his masturbation material (again, don't care if he does, we all do; I just think it's SO tactless to show your girlfriend, and I make that rather obvious), or tell me how many times he's done it in one day, DURING sex. I mean, COME ON. One girl he got a blowjob off came to his house (she's a renowned slut), slept with his brother and then tried it on with his friend. My boyfriend rambled for AGES about how much he hated her, and now that our mutual friend is sleeping with her, she's God's gift, and he will even deny his past opinions of her in front of people, to get a rise out of me, making me seem like an idiot. It's as though, recently, I've become the butt of the joke; not just with this one thing in particular, but with almost everything that comes out of my mouth. This certain friend is toxic to our relationship; it's like a third party in almost everything that we do, and his views on women are foul. For instance, he pinned our friend against a wall, and she was almost crying, but because that's "just him!" my boyfriend stood there giggling, and couldn't understand why I walked away and got angry. When I explained it to him, he apologised, yet I found out he laughed about it, the very next day. Not only this, but he's getting lazy in bed. Sex is lasting less and less time, and sometimes if we're just "playing", I'll get him off, and then he'll disregard the fact that he was even doing anything to me, no matter how close to finishing I am, and just act as though it's all done and dusted, while I lie there seething with frustration. I would NEVER do that to him. A few days ago, he "forgot" he was seeing me one night, and went out with his friends. Bear in mind, I wouldn't have minded, had he but bothered to text me and say that he was cancelling, so that I wasn't sat in like a lemon. He later admitted to lying about forgetting, saying that he "didn't think it was set in stone." He made a promise not to do something (a really silly little thing, that was hugely embarrassing for me), but did it anyway. He just laughs when I get angry, or upset. Either this, or he just stares at his shoes and sulks like a petulant little boy. He has NO temper with me, at all. Sometimes I wish he'd just react, so that we could actually have a decent discussion, instead of it being one-sided scolding. Before me, he had a "crazy" girlfriend, who controlled him a lot. I feel as though if I shout at him, he'll just think I'm like her. I can't cope with this feeling anymore; I care about him so much, and I know these seem like such small things, but believe me, there's more and it's all built up to a huge crescendo of misery and frustration. Please give me some advice, this is driving me crazy. Thanks, Jenni. P.S. I've never been confrontational in relationships, before; I've been the doormat to everyone, and can't put myself through this anymore, at all.
SpiralOut Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 There's nothing you can do to change his behaviour. The only behaviour you can control is your own. If you really can't handle this anymore, then walk away. if you can't bring yourself to break up with him, tell him you need a break and then see how you feel after some time apart.
Cypress25 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Before me, he had a "crazy" girlfriend, who controlled him a lot. No he didn't. Guys say that to make their current girlfriend afraid to confront him about anything. Because of course they don't want to act like the "crazy ex," so they tolerate his crappy behavior. They can't call him out on it, that would make them "controlling." Don't worry, two can play at that game. Just tell him that your ex was lazy and selfish in bed, and you hated the way he left you hanging all the time. Then you can say "god, you're just like my ex" when he does the same thing. See what happens.
Author JenniC Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 There's nothing you can do to change his behaviour. The only behaviour you can control is your own. What behaviour would that be, though? I don't have an attitude with him, I go out of my way to play nice. It's not as though I'm scolding him for everything every five minutes. It's VERY rare that I ever bring anything up. A relationship is about communication, and he just isn't doing so. Cypress25: I like your way of thinking, aha. He knows I've had lousy boyfriends in the past, so I guess that bringing something up like that, just to reiterate the point, would be a very good idea.
SpiralOut Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 What behaviour would that be, though? I don't have an attitude with him, I go out of my way to play nice. It's not as though I'm scolding him for everything every five minutes. It's VERY rare that I ever bring anything up. A relationship is about communication, and he just isn't doing so. I was referring to the way that you put up with his behaviour by continuing to date him.
Author JenniC Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 I was referring to the way that you put up with his behaviour by continuing to date him. Ahh, I see. I misunderstood your comment. I don't know. Everything aside from this is lovely..but it's just becoming tainted. I'd love to sit and have a proper discussion with him, but it seems as though this is completely impossible. He just starts mumbling, after a while, making jokes, or talking in cute voices. It's daft.
Yookie Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Ahh, I see. I misunderstood your comment. I don't know. Everything aside from this is lovely..but it's just becoming tainted. I'd love to sit and have a proper discussion with him, but it seems as though this is completely impossible. He just starts mumbling, after a while, making jokes, or talking in cute voices. It's daft. Wow he sounds very immature. Either that or he just doesn't take you seriously. How old are you two?
Author JenniC Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 Wow he sounds very immature. Either that or he just doesn't take you seriously. How old are you two? I'm glad that it's not just me who thinks so. He's 19 and I'm 20. Don't get me wrong; he can be very, very caring, but recently it's become apparent that he can't have an adult conversation. The sex thing is making things so much worse, too. I don't want to leave him, I honestly don't, I just NEED a way to try and fix/sort this out.
FitChick Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 He is too young and probably feels constricted. He is acting like an idiot so you will dump him and he will be the innocent party. Give him his wish!
unknownsources Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 He is too young and probably feels constricted. He is acting like an idiot so you will dump him and he will be the innocent party. Give him his wish! From what you've said, it seems like this might be true. At least the first sentence. If this kind of attitude/action is new behavior, maybe it's some childish way for him to get at something. That may be that he's unhappy with something in the relationship, or possibly something else entirely. That said, maybe he's "trying to be like one of the guys". Have you tried sitting down and talking with him about your relationship? Seems like that might help fix the problem(s)... or it might give you more assurance on what to do next...
Author JenniC Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 He is acting like an idiot so you will dump him and he will be the innocent party. Give him his wish! The thing is, he's always texting me (albeit, not as quickly as he used to, there's three hour gaps between texts, recently. Silly, but I've noticed it.), inviting me around, or inviting me out. When we're together, he doesn't show me a lack of interest, per se; he'll tell me how nice I look, ask me about my day, etc. Then he can just change into an idiot within a matter of minutes, but he isn't like this all of the time. That's what's messing with my poor, addled brain! From what you've said, it seems like this might be true. At least the first sentence. If this kind of attitude/action is new behavior, maybe it's some childish way for him to get at something. That may be that he's unhappy with something in the relationship, or possibly something else entirely. That said, maybe he's "trying to be like one of the guys". Have you tried sitting down and talking with him about your relationship? Seems like that might help fix the problem(s)... or it might give you more assurance on what to do next... It is new behaviour, that's why it's so shocking and upsetting. The thing is, as far as I can tell, his mind never worked in a sly way, so I find it odd to imagine him doing this as a way to manipulate the relationship. Hmm. He does like this "one of the guys" thing, recently. We spend a lot of time together, as we live really close by. Just for the record, it's not me harassing him to hang out together; I always leave him the option of having guy time or him alone time. For the past six months, he's mainly been choosing "us" time. His friends, but one, the vulgar one, see me as one of the guys, so he's always invited me out with them. Lately, this has begun to change a little, too. Not that I mind, it's just that I'm noticing subtle differences. I have tried talking to him about it, but he really does act as though he's a 12 year old being scolded. He looks at his feet, mumbles how horribly sorry is, and tries to cuddle me. I ask him if we can discuss it in a mature way, and if he's going to answer me, during which time he will mutter something vaguely different to "I'm so sorry, I'm a horrible boyfriend", but then revert back to sulking. I don't get it. Nothing gets resolved without talking; not arguing, but talking. He just can't wait until it's over so that he can hug me. It would be cute, but it's becoming ridiculous, and seems like avoidance of the topic at hand.
Professor X Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 You got 2 issues here: 1. He's immature. Period. 2. Your honeymoon phase is over, thus he gets lazy in bed and in other things cause that's who he is. In both cases there's little to none that you can do. About his immaturity you can try and talk to him and tell him your true feelings, especially the part where you're left hanging in bed or maybe do a manipulative move like what Cyprss25 said. And about the honeymoon phase, well, you need to realize that the colors he's showing now are his true colors. You can always just wait around for him to grow, or in other words, be with him for the "potential" of who he can be. Lots of women do that, majority of them are also ending up being frustrated and never truly happy. It's a classic mistake though. Never date the potential of a guy - just date who he actually is.
Author JenniC Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 His immaturity is something that waxes and wanes. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up with all of this, in the long term; I'd love to, but I suppose that all I can do is give it a chance and see how things go. I hate the idea of losing him, because he acts in a silly manner, sometimes. Maybe he'll grow out of it...I don't know; it's silly to say, but I suppose that all I can do is try and talk it out, and give him another chance. The leaving me hanging in bed thing, HAS to stop, however. It's just outright insulting. How (without going for the manipulative way), am I supposed to bring it up with him? I don't want to offend him by saying "Darling, you're sweet, but you're lasting two minutes and completely ignoring the fact that I have needs. Now sort me out, or I'll kick you out of bed." It's one of those subjects that I don't want him to associate with fear; sex shouldn't be something that people remember for the arguments. Neither should it be something that they remember for being left unsatisfied.
Professor X Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay foreplay Get him to go down on you more - men usually LOVE to go down on a woman. Get him to touch you more before, more kissing, more biting, more licking. Try and direct towards those stuff; i.e. push his head towards your vagina, pull his hand to your nipples, etc etc... If he doesn't get it that way, just tell him. Talking about those stuff sucks, I know, they are kinda obvious, but if he's dumb and doesn't get it, than you have to make it blunt. Do that for 10-20 minutes prior to sex and you both will enjoy it much. From personal experience, I rarely have sex without foreplay; I love taking care of my woman for as much as she needs without over-killing it.
Author JenniC Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 You're right, I guess maybe I should try and coerce him to take a little more time on foreplay. He did used to; that used to be a wonderful part of our sex life. Now it's just sort of...rushed, so that we can get to the quicky. Last night was a bit different; he stayed at my place, and although he foreplay was a bit short for my liking, he put a little bit more effort into the sex. I was quite surprised; the last few times he's been sticking to the one position (from behind; not anal, mind.), but this time he took more care and put effort into switching. Let's hope it carries on. As a side note on our playing, I also need to try and discuss why he looks so bloody bored when he's using his fingers on me! Occasionally he'll carry on when I've got him off, and sometimes I do end up telling him just to leave it, because he's just staring apathetically at the wall, as if planning what to have for his tea! No kisses or anything. Not really a turn on, aha.
Professor X Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Let's hope it carries on. = Hope? hmm... That's a strong word If you end up talking to him about what's your bothering you and about your needs (and you should if he doesn't get it otherwise) make sure you put a time limit on him changing, also make sure you put a time limit on him changing via subtle hints before you have "the talk". I'd hate to see you wasting years of your life waiting for him to change because "he can be so much more" rather than just facing the truth that this is who he is - this can really make you go crazy and you'll be so frustrated all along. So if he doesn't change, say, within 2 months of your conversation, in which you have to be blunt, than just move on, find someone who is more mature, someone who does take care of you in the ways YOU want and need.
Author JenniC Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 It's a very strong word, indeed. I know he's never had a long term relationship, that's actually meant something to him - he stayed with his previous girlfriend out of fear (apparently. Although, everyone of our mutual friends agrees with this, as they all despised the way she treated him), so maybe he just needs to learn how to deal with a serious relationship, in a mature way. He can be immature, but perhaps this will just take time to overcome, especially if he sees how it affects me. I know that if he broke up, his friends would tell him off about his behaviour. We've had a few little tiffs while we've been out with friends, and each time they've told me to just explain myself to him and carry on as I am, because he can be silly and blind, and think too much about his "guy image". This is coming from other guys, too, so I know it isn't a prejudiced thinking. You're right, though, a waiting limit must be set down, if we get around to having a "talk". I've found myself waiting around for months, with previous partners, and getting nowhere but being too soft to leave them, until they finally make me explode with rage. At first I really did think that there was a small chance that I was just being selfish, and I hated myself for getting angry, but now I feel an awful lot better. Thank you so much.
Recommended Posts