ScienceGal Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) I went out with a guy last week and I had a pretty decent time. He was nice and we laughed a lot. I find him attractive. We end the night with a hug and I go about my weekend and beginning of this week. He said he'd call and I didn't stress for a moment about it. And he did call, yesterday. We're going out again this weekend. Thought #1: I haven't been on many dates. I usually get into relationships very quickly. I don't want to do this again. I suck at knowing when to stop seeing someone. I think I need to write out a list of "dealbreakers" and be tough with myself in not compromising. Thought #2: I feel sort of dead inside. It is as though my last relationship ripped part of my soul right out of me. I wasn't even nervous meeting this new guy, and I didn't care if he liked me or not. This is so not like me. I used to get nervous and giddy and tell my friends and family that I am meeting someone. The idea of interacting with someone new always affected me somehow. But not anymore, I am cynical and have a "whatever happens is fine by me" attitude. I think I've lost hope in true love. I am wondering if it is a stage or a permanent change in me. I guess I am just looking for advice in general. Today was a looong day and my head is spinning. Moving on blows. Edited September 2, 2011 by ScienceGal
Imageiko Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I wasn't even nervous meeting this new guy, and I didn't care if he liked me or not. This is so not like me. I used to get nervous and giddy and tell my friends and family that I am meeting someone. The idea of interacting with someone new always affected me somehow. But not anymore, I am cynical and have a "whatever happens is fine by me" attitude. I think I disagree that this is a bad thing? Initially you have nothing invested in the other person so there's really no need to get all worked up about it. I'd chalk it up to getting older and a been there done that type thing. I'm sure the butterflies will come back as you get to know somebody and build an attraction and have something invested in the relationship.
Author ScienceGal Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 I think I disagree that this is a bad thing? Initially you have nothing invested in the other person so there's really no need to get all worked up about it. I'd chalk it up to getting older and a been there done that type thing. I'm sure the butterflies will come back as you get to know somebody and build an attraction and have something invested in the relationship. Perhaps it is not a bad thing. It just feels so different to have no feelings about it at all. I was nice and happy on the first date, but inside I just feel numb. Dating is also a step forward, so 1) it is the next step in moving on from my previous relationship and 2) I am probably not allowing myself to invest too much too soon as I have done before because I got deeply hurt. I might be overanalyzing things and being a little neurotic. The scientist in me want to figure out all the answers now!
moontiger Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Perhaps it is not a bad thing. It just feels so different to have no feelings about it at all. I was nice and happy on the first date, but inside I just feel numb. Dating is also a step forward, so 1) it is the next step in moving on from my previous relationship and 2) I am probably not allowing myself to invest too much too soon as I have done before because I got deeply hurt. I might be overanalyzing things and being a little neurotic. The scientist in me want to figure out all the answers now! SG, at exactly your age, I did exactly what you did...about two months after getting dumped after a 5 month relationship I started dating a new guy whom I'd met online. The first few dates, I felt nothing; numb; nada. I didn't really care how he felt about me. After some more dates, it was sooooo tempting to fall into a relationship with someone who was super-eager about me, and so I fell. It felt too fast, but I had seen a lot of relationships that started immediately after a breakup, and went to marriage, so I decided to chance it. The man I met was my ex-fiance, whom you are presently reading about. I need say little more. So date, but be careful with dates. Dates lead to long-term relationships, and that is even easier when you are lonely. When you are feeling down and hurt and angry, you attract men who are that way generally. Things can work. But be wary of decisions you make and feelings you have while you are still hurting, and don't repeat my mistakes.
antinko Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Yeh, I agree with above ^. I think you should go for the date because he sounds nice, but listen to your true feelings. I don't think you need a list of deal breakers. Keep things casual and try to enjoy it. If things move too fast, ask him to slow down and then, if he doesn't...well you have an answer for what to do next. Just be honest with yourself. I don't know you, obviously, but I get the impression you're quite in touch with your feelings based on what I've read from your posts.
Author ScienceGal Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 SG, at exactly your age, I did exactly what you did...about two months after getting dumped after a 5 month relationship I started dating a new guy whom I'd met online. The first few dates, I felt nothing; numb; nada. I didn't really care how he felt about me. After some more dates, it was sooooo tempting to fall into a relationship with someone who was super-eager about me, and so I fell. It felt too fast, but I had seen a lot of relationships that started immediately after a breakup, and went to marriage, so I decided to chance it. The man I met was my ex-fiance, whom you are presently reading about. I need say little more. So date, but be careful with dates. Dates lead to long-term relationships, and that is even easier when you are lonely. When you are feeling down and hurt and angry, you attract men who are that way generally. Things can work. But be wary of decisions you make and feelings you have while you are still hurting, and don't repeat my mistakes. Seriously, we sound very alike. Perhaps getting into relationships too quickly has been my problem all along. I will take things slowly, no matter how lonely I get. I am still in a "I don't care" attitude, but I am sure it won't take much for me to want that human connection, it's only natural. sigh. Tricky, tricky, tricky!
Author ScienceGal Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 I don't know you, obviously, but I get the impression you're quite in touch with your feelings based on what I've read from your posts. Yes, very much so! I like to think of that as a good thing since it makes me a very caring and thoughtful friend and lover. It opens me up to be hurt also, but that's the trade off I suppose. I hope the end result is that I am still that very feelings-based person, but only show it after being in a relationship long enough where the man has gained my trust 100%. Thanks for the advice.
Janesays Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Thought #2: I feel sort of dead inside. It is as though my last relationship ripped part of my soul right out of me. I wasn't even nervous meeting this new guy, and I didn't care if he liked me or not. This is so not like me. I used to get nervous and giddy and tell my friends and family that I am meeting someone. The idea of interacting with someone new always affected me somehow. But not anymore, I am cynical and have a "whatever happens is fine by me" attitude. I think I've lost hope in true love. I am wondering if it is a stage or a permanent change in me. This same, exact thing happened to me right after my divorce. I went on plenty of dates with guys and it didn't matter how nice and attractive they were or how much fun we had on the date, at the end of each one, I always thought the same thing, "If I never see that guy again, I won't care." If they called and asked, I'd go on a second date, have a WONDERFUL time and think the same thing, "If I never see him again, I don't care." I honestly thought my divorce ruined me and I was dead and broken inside. I wasn't embittered or angry, like I said, I enjoyed dating and liked the guys I went out with....I just couldn't CARE. I couldn't muster up anything but the VAGUEST of interest. Anyway, let me reassure you: It's just a phase. I met my current guy and fell head over heels in love with him. Turns out, my heart was just waiting for the right one. I bet yours is too.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 SG, the "i dont care" attitude is the best way to go. it keeps you objective, and you wont overlook the red flags if you stay this way for a while. You wont try too hard or be clingy, and you will still have fun. I personally think its no fun to get all excited about someone you dont even know because you want it to work out so badly-just to get hurt, or you chase them down when they pull back because you got attached too fast. I think its better to start out with the "i dont care" attitude, and let it build as you find out whether or not this person is compatible with you.
Author ScienceGal Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 Anyway, let me reassure you: It's just a phase. I met my current guy and fell head over heels in love with him. Turns out, my heart was just waiting for the right one. I bet yours is too. Thanks! I really hope it is a phase and that one rotten man cannot truly change my heart forever Today was one of those mornings that I did not want to get out of bed. I am not in a good mood at all, my night was filled with dreams about the ex again. Heavy heart today But I am going to do my best to snap out of it. Going to run at the track and then get some errands done. keep.moving.forward.
Author ScienceGal Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 The date was good. But, there is no real spark for me. We hugged and he said he "really likes me" and sent me a message saying pretty much the same thing. I don't know if I am just not that into him, or if I am dealing with the residual effects of my break up. I just feel numb. I'll go out with him again, since I do find him attractive and the company enjoyable, but when the conversation arises, the words "move slow" will come out of my mouth and I will have to see how that goes... Something to ponder I suppose.
antinko Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 The date was good. But, there is no real spark for me. We hugged and he said he "really likes me" and sent me a message saying pretty much the same thing. I don't know if I am just not that into him, or if I am dealing with the residual effects of my break up. I just feel numb. I'll go out with him again, since I do find him attractive and the company enjoyable, but when the conversation arises, the words "move slow" will come out of my mouth and I will have to see how that goes... Something to ponder I suppose. If you parted on good terms, then maybe it'll turn into something in the future when you're ready. Otherwise, no worries and good on you for putting yourself out there. I'm on a date tonight and I'm looking forward to seeing the girl but I'm going in with zero expectations.
Author ScienceGal Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 If you parted on good terms, then maybe it'll turn into something in the future when you're ready. Otherwise, no worries and good on you for putting yourself out there. I'm on a date tonight and I'm looking forward to seeing the girl but I'm going in with zero expectations. Well good luck to you tonight! I'm interested to see how it goes for you.
antinko Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Well good luck to you tonight! I'm interested to see how it goes for you. Well, I thought I'd get her to open the door for me first, then pull out my chair, tuck my napkin in. Then she can order the wine and I'll dominate the conversation with talk of my ex and her shortcomings. She can pay too. If all of the above is accomplished, then we're on for date #2!
Author ScienceGal Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Well, I thought I'd get her to open the door for me first, then pull out my chair, tuck my napkin in. Then she can order the wine and I'll dominate the conversation with talk of my ex and her shortcomings. She can pay too. If all of the above is accomplished, then we're on for date #2! haha! The guy I went out with said that he was impressed that on date 1 there was no "who is going to pay" awkwardness because I quickly specified 2 checks to the waitress when it was time to settle up. We had each only had a couple beers, and I don't need anyone paying for me. He said he's used to women expecting him to pay and then they rarely say thank you. I think that's snotty That said, it would be nice for him to take me out once when I don't have to pay for anything. Last night he paid for a glass of wine for me and I paid for the movies.. then I paid for a couple of my own beers. So, I left having spent more $ than he did... and I am not sure how I feel about that. At the place I got the wine, I probably could have gotten food but I had already eaten (as it wasn't specified as a dinner date). He didn't feel like drinking alcohol either, so those last couple beers were my choice. I just thought he'd pick it up since I paid for both of us at the movies. Paying for more than my share was an issue in my last relationship, so I am just trying not to get taken advantage of I guess. p.s. If your date doesn't bring flowers and a box of chocolates I wouldn't go out with her again :lmao:
moontiger Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 SG, based on your more recent posts, this interaction is headed toward a relationship. Be careful; it's a lot easier to fall into these things than to get *out* of them once you are in them. Based on my own experience, it's easy to say you aren't going to invest feelings; it's a lot harder not to DO it when you've just been rejected and here is a nice guy who seems really into you, and his attention and the company are intoxicating. Proceed, but with caution. As I said in some other thread, dates--especially in your late 20s and 30s--often lead to LTRs. When I met my now-ex, I thought that 3 months after the end of a 5 month relationship, I was certainly ready to date again. But I recognize now that it doesn't matter how long you were with your ex; sometimes it matters how intense the relationship was and whether you thought he was the one (I did). When I met my ex, I was not over my previous relationship; I was lonely and angry and depressed, and I had walls up. Thus I attracted a man who was lonely and angry and depressed. The difference is that my feelings of loneliness, depression, and anger were transient. His were a part of his character. When I was back to myself, and I was happy again, he didn't like it. And he left my life.
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