I've changed

[torn_curtain]

Several years ago I cheated on a boyfriend, the only time I've ever done that. I now feel detached from the person I was then, and it's just dawned on me recently how much I've changed.

 

When I was younger I would become infatuated with a guy and focus all of my energy on winning him over. The manipulation wasn’t conscious. I believed at the time that my feelings were genuine, but now in retrospect I recognize what I was doing.

 

I did it because I didn't like myself, I didn’t realize there was a richer way of relating to people, and I didn’t see how unhealthy and unfair my behavior was. I always deluded myself into thinking I wanted him forever, but I’d get increasingly bored with him and not understand why. I wouldn’t break up with him; instead I’d subconsciously start detaching or acting out until he finally broke up with me.

 

This is messed up behavior, and I’m not proud of it. But for what it’s worth I wasn’t conscious that I was doing this until it was later pointed out to me. I thought my behavior was normal and that I WAS in love with the guy. Basically, I had no concept of what love was. I ended up cheating on this ex boyfriend because I felt empty and because my approach to relationships was totally self-serving.

 

With my last relationship I made some real progress and I came closer than I ever have to actual love, but I realize in retrospect that I was giving only part of myself over.

 

I did love him in a way and I felt devastated when he left me, but it wasn’t deep love. Partly, I recognized that we were incompatible and that I was settling, which interfered with my feelings deepening. Even though I cared about him, I didn’t totally respect him because, to be honest, he was too much of a pushover and didn’t have a strong identity. I never really felt like I knew him. I guess our relationship just wasn’t that open. He never spoke to me about what was going on in his head, even when I pressed him. He had trouble articulating his thoughts and feelings. I just don’t think there was much to him, which was also confirmed by the style in which he broke up with me.

 

With M something is different. The difference is that for the first time I want to give myself completely over to this person because he seems totally worth it -- knowing full well that things might not work out. He is really special to me. I respect him so much that it feels like it would be a betrayal for me to not give myself to him as much as he is to me. I want to give him love, I want to support him, I want more than anything for him to be completely happy. For whatever reason – because of who he is or because of some change in me -- I care about him more than any other guy I’ve known.

 

The openness we've developed with each other so far is something I haven't ever experienced. I trust him and believe he is a good person with a lot of integrity. He has flaws, like anyone, but not ones that bother me so far. M has made a point of being as candid with me as he possibly can. He’s consciously tried to disclose every single thing he feels could be perceived as a flaw upfront, because he has never given himself to anyone and he wants our relationship to be based on trust and honesty. I get the place where he comes from, because I come from a similar place.

 

He’s kind of screwed with my expectations because he’s literally the first guy I’ve been involved with who doesn’t respond at all to push-pull, is actually turned off by it. It’s like, wow, here’s a guy who actually wants me to be open, vulnerable and consistently affectionate. Doesn’t just say he wants it as most guys do, but actually shows that’s what he wants in practice. I can’t and won’t do the push pull with him. In the past whenever I sensed a guy might be withdrawing, even if the evidence was scant, I’d immediately detach, sort of devalue him in my mind. So my feelings for him would be unstable and dependent on the little ups and downs in his demeanor toward me. With M the urge has come on a few times to do that when there’s been something very slight that has pricked my neuroses, but I’ve made a conscious choice to not detach at those moments and to just trust him. This is a real step forward for me.

 

He inspires me. He is very self aware and is constantly striving to improve himself and be a better person. He handles criticism better than any guy I’ve known. He doesn’t get defensive; instead he really listens and sees if he can use the feedback to improve himself. If he disagrees he’ll say so, but he’ll always considers it first. He also pushes me in the same direction of self improvement. If things work out, I see a rich future with him where we grow together. And even if things don't work out, I know I will have learned some valuable lessons about what I want in a relationship.

 

I am sensing a real shift in how I view other people and the world.

 

I have been too rigid in my understanding of people. I view them in terms of patterns, which works for me a lot of the time but there are tons of exceptions. People are nuanced and mysterious. I can’t and shouldn’t try so hard to predict their behavior. I have often felt like if a guy is imperfect, I can’t trust him at all, which is obviously problematic since everyone has flaws. The truth is some imperfections are OK for you while others aren't, and you'll never really know 100% if you're making the right choice in ignoring a red flag or not -- you just have to make a decision and go with it. You'll be wrong sometimes.

 

I have also seen people as being sort of one size fits all, like there is an ideal guy that works for most women, which is also foolish. At first when my bf told me he hadn’t opened himself up to other women because he didn’t feel the connection with them, I considered this a possible dealbreaker. But as I got to know him better I had a change of heart. Like, ok, it means he has had issues, but are they necessarily deal-breaking issues like that he’ll never be able to commit to me? That seems like a pretty harsh judgment to lay on someone, especially someone who seems like a great person overall with a strong capacity to love. After all, by that logic he should have never gotten involved with me because he knows I cheated on one of my exes. But I believe that people can change if they’re committed to self improvement.

 

I’m much more invested in his happiness than I have been with any other guy. If we lost each other, I’d really want him to find happiness with another girl eventally. He’s the first guy I’ve ever cared about enough to want that without it being tinged with a trace of bitterness.

 

The mutual respect and support that we're already building in this new relationship is a huge shift from how I approached relationships when I was younger. I believe the potential for love is greater than it has been with any other guy. Not just because of who he is, but also because of who I am now.