tigressA Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I have two options thus far. 1. Go with BF to see a couple of his friends in a city neither of us have been to before and 99-100% likely be bored/semi-miserable much of the time because I won't be able to understand what any of them are saying because I don't speak their language. 2. Stay home alone and go to a food festival on my street...maybe get a haircut...and maybe some other stuff. Thoughts?
Author tigressA Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 I propose nr 2. Live your own life too. When you put it that way, it does sound even more appealing. I guess the bummer about it is that it's a long weekend (and Saturday is our 7-month mark)...and I don't really have anyone nearby to hang out with, so it would just be me if I were to stay home, and I get more than enough alone time as it is. But do I want to be alone and comfortable, or with people and uncomfortable? Yeah, I'm still leaning toward option 2...
zengirl Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Are there any meetups in your area? You need to make some friends if you don't have people to hang out with. It really is important to maintaining sanity to have friends near you besides your SO. Maybe go to an event or something in your area where you'll meet people who also need more friends!
Author tigressA Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Are there any meetups in your area? You need to make some friends if you don't have people to hang out with. It really is important to maintaining sanity to have friends near you besides your SO. Maybe go to an event or something in your area where you'll meet people who also need more friends! I've been trying Meetup but it hasn't really been clicking for me. I went to a number of different things but didn't really hit it off with anyone there so I'm fairly disenchanted. I'm making friends at work but we're not really at that "Let's hang out" point yet.
Nexus One Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 (edited) Another reason I proposed 2 was because I don't think it's fruitful that you would be bored and miserable around your SO when he's with friends. Then again, I've been in situations where I was amongst people who I didn't understand, but we had a great time, lots of hand gestures and footwork, but we got it down. One girl in the group asked me a question, but I had no I idea what she was asking, then she made the OK-sign with her hand and put the index finger of her other hand in the circle. So yeah, it can be done. Edited September 1, 2011 by Nexus One
Author tigressA Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 (edited) Another reason I proposed 2 was because I don't think it's fruitful that you would be bored and miserable around your SO when he's with friends. Yeah, that's pretty much the one reason why I don't want to go. I know that's what will happen. Thing is, I told him yesterday I wanted to go. So when I tell him today that I don't want to go and why, we'll probably fight about it--again--we argued about it before...oh well. The one reason why I do want to go is because I've never been to that particular place at all and will likely be one of my only opportunities to go anytime soon, so it could be fun based on that alone. I could just break apart from the group and do some solo exploring or something. Edited September 1, 2011 by tigressA
Nexus One Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Yeah, that's pretty much the one reason why I don't want to go. I know that's what will happen. Thing is, I told him yesterday I wanted to go. So when I tell him today that I don't want to go and why, we'll probably fight about it--again--we argued about it before...oh well. Why exactly do you guys argue about it?
Author tigressA Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Why exactly do you guys argue about it? He was going to go see them last weekend but didn't because of the storm; I had said I didn't want to go because of the language thing and that's when we argued about it and he said, "I don't know what you expect me to do about it; I can't control them and they're not comfortable speaking in English all the time because they're not as good with it..." That was a drastically different response from the very first time we discussed it months ago (late at night when we were actually there on the visit to his friends), when he agreed with me that it was rude and he was sorry for falling in too much with them. I can't say why, really...perhaps we're both just really stubborn nowadays.
zengirl Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Isn't there some way you could set up a non-argument way of going about it. I think I'd just say I was looking forward to some "me" time this weekend, really wanted a haircut and to [insert whatever I planned to do], and that I thought he'd have more fun with his friends without me tagging along. Plus: great Monday sex when we get back from a weekend away from each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder sometimes. I guess my question is. . . If you phrase it in a positive way, would it STILL be a fight? (Not a negative "I don't want to go now" way.)
Author tigressA Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Isn't there some way you could set up a non-argument way of going about it. I think I'd just say I was looking forward to some "me" time this weekend, really wanted a haircut and to [insert whatever I planned to do], and that I thought he'd have more fun with his friends without me tagging along. Plus: great Monday sex when we get back from a weekend away from each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder sometimes. I guess my question is. . . If you phrase it in a positive way, would it STILL be a fight? (Not a negative "I don't want to go now" way.) I guess so...but I didn't really want "me" time this weekend...that's kind of the thing. With my new job, I feel BF and I are detaching quite a bit--he isn't even home right now, I have no clue where he is (my phone isn't working). He's been going out more after work, and I also go into work later than he does, so I have a lot of "me" time these days. I get my first check tomorrow and what I really wanted to do was take him out to dinner on Saturday (7 months) or something, somewhere nice, just the two of us...but he's all gung-ho about seeing his friends, so I feel guilty about even bringing up what I wanted to do because he might see it as some sabotage. I don't know.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Ugh. It is rude. But he also can't control them. My brother has an Australian girlfriend and my family comes from Eastern Europe, so we always speak our language at home. My brother's girlfriend is invited to all the family gatherings and we all speak in English only then, out of respect for her (even though my parent's English is not that great). It is however, very different with friends. Some of his friends are from our country and will just start up speaking in our language and completely ignore her
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 BTW, I would pick option 2. It may teach him a lesson. P.S. I think it's normal for some detachment to happen after the honeymoon period is over. It is also normal for him to be somewhat less attentive now that he is not on his best behavior anymore.
Star Gazer Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 BTW, I would pick option 2. It may teach him a lesson.. Real relationships aren't about teaching your SO a lesson or punishing them.
Citizen Erased Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Definitely number 2. You're allowed to change your mind, he's not your keeper. You don't have to argue with him if it annoys him that you're choosing not to go, not your fault they are classless and rude enough to ignore you. A nice, well adjusted person would appreciate that it's not the most comfortable of situations for you to be in and that you have the choice to be put in it or not.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Real relationships aren't about teaching your SO a lesson or punishing them. It sounds like he has been taking her for granted.
zengirl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I guess so...but I didn't really want "me" time this weekend...that's kind of the thing. With my new job, I feel BF and I are detaching quite a bit--he isn't even home right now, I have no clue where he is (my phone isn't working). He's been going out more after work, and I also go into work later than he does, so I have a lot of "me" time these days. I get my first check tomorrow and what I really wanted to do was take him out to dinner on Saturday (7 months) or something, somewhere nice, just the two of us...but he's all gung-ho about seeing his friends, so I feel guilty about even bringing up what I wanted to do because he might see it as some sabotage. I don't know. Ah. Well, it comes down to what you want to do. I think there is likely a way to express the general need --- feeling like the detachment is happening --- and the nice desire to take him out to a nice dinner, but not be so fixated on precisely when it happens. Maybe he could come back for Sunday night, and you could do a nice dinner then with your extra weekend day. He was only going to spend a regular weekend there before, right? So that seems reasonable. Make use of that extra day! Or find some other compromise. It seems like you guys do a lot of demanding, you in particular tigressA, and wind up fighting and butting heads and being stubborn, when simply being open to more potential solutions might make the fighting lessened. That's my experience, at least. Sometimes giving in is the key to getting what you want. I don't tolerate disrespect or ill treatment of any kind, but I often compromise for a partner, even when it's not really what I want right then, simply because I know it will bring me more fulfillment and happiness in the relationship longterm. It's part of building relationship capital. You CAN do too much compromising, sure, but I don't think you err on that side in this relationship, from your stories. That said, if you DO act graciously, make sure you ALSO communicate that feeling of disconnect. That's an important need to express----the need to be more connected overall.
Citizen Erased Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 It sounds like he has been taking her for granted. I agree. But if their relationship is solid, insecure game playing should have no part in their communication. Actually opening their mouths and expressing their needs/differences does far more.
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I get my first check tomorrow and what I really wanted to do was take him out to dinner on Saturday (7 months) or something, somewhere nice, just the two of us...but he's all gung-ho about seeing his friends, so I feel guilty about even bringing up what I wanted to do because he might see it as some sabotage. I don't know. That's not good. You want to do something positive for you guys as a couple, then there shouldn't be a fear about him seeing it as sabotage. When things like this happen more often, then things will be stacking up and it might blow up in both your faces. It should be possible to normally discuss things without any fear. Have you already proposed the dinner? If you decide to propose it, then explain it to him like you explained it to us here on the forum. The way you said it here made sense.
Cee Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I encourage you not to simply stay by yourself this weekend. Embrace your independence and enjoy the freedom of either exploring the new city or your home city. If you are visiting a new city, you can go on Yelp and ask the locals about good things to do alone. I live in Philly and we have some crazy stuff going on this weekend, including a naked bike ride. If you go away with your boyfriend, you can do your own thing and then meet up late night and have a romantic interlude. Your 7 month anniversary. Aww, my BF and I had 7 months this week too. Now I need to think what I'm doing this weekend. Don't think I'm doing the Philly Naked Bike Ride. Every year I say I'll do it and then chicken out
Pierre Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 How come you are not that interested in your BF and his native language. By now you should have learned most of the basics of the language. Being with my girl friend for a thee day weekend learning a foreign language would be fun.
sm1tten Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Like I said before, I had the similar issue with my ex, but I like learning languages so this was not a big deal. What I would do is I would kill two birds with one stone - tell him that you feel like you've been growing a bit apart lately, and that you want to spend the weekend together. Take him out Friday, even though it's not the exact day, celebrate some more on Saturday morning . Then go visit his friends. Then you're showing effort in closing the gap, making some inroads on being able to communicate with his friends/family, being social, and he gets an opportunity to hopefully step up and make you feel more welcome and wanted. On the other hand, don't go if you really, really don't want to.
Author tigressA Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 That was easier than I thought it was going to be. When he got home I mentioned it like Zengirl suggested--I put a positive spin on staying behind instead of just saying "I'm not going." He said, "Okay, we can stay here then." I said, "What? I thought you were all excited about going to (insert city)..." He said, "It's no big deal." I asked him if he was sure a couple of times and he said he was. I said, "Well, okay..." I brought up my dinner idea, so I guess we'll do that, or something else...I told him about the festival so we may go to that too. Later I said, "I underestimate/worry over how much you want to be around me and have me with you. It's been amplified because I've been stressed adjusting to my new schedule, and we've fought over the last few days." I explained that when we fight I worry even more about what he feels toward me--like "I'm getting tired of this..." And that worry probably fuels nearly half our arguments so it's a never-ending cycle. I really need to take a chill pill. I came up with a fun idea, too. I realized we say we love each other a lot, but we don't really show each other, particularly recently. I told him we should take this weekend to show rather than say and he's all for it. I think this will help us tremendously. We lost our way with each other and have been struggling a bit, but this weekend should put us back on track.
Cee Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I like how you resolved things with him and in your own head. I am curious about his reaction to your fear that he's getting tired of the stress and conflict. Did he present his point of view in a way that brought more clarity to your situation?
Imajerk17 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I have two options thus far. 1. Go with BF to see a couple of his friends in a city neither of us have been to before and 99-100% likely be bored/semi-miserable much of the time because I won't be able to understand what any of them are saying because I don't speak their language. 2. Stay home alone and go to a food festival on my street...maybe get a haircut...and maybe some other stuff. Thoughts? The way you worded your question concerns me. This could be a great adventure. That you're not feeling it (Option 1.) that way makes me think that your boyfriend doesn't do a good enough job including you, or that you don't care as much as you used to. That said, there's nothing wrong with a little time or space away either.
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