Red Flag Rick Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 In the initial dating stage, love, infatuation, and romance are out in full force and there is a strong desire to move closer as quickly as possible. The danger is that you barely know the true person you are dating. Dating defensively is a must if one wants to manage the process of dating correctly... You are hopefully looking for your life partner - it is essential that you determine how emotionally and physically safe you are with this person that you barely know. So Date Defensively! Look for Red Flags! The following list includes the most common issues to be mindful of in your new dating partner. While none of these issues means you should immediately stop seeing someone, realize that the greater the number of issues your new dating partner has that are on this list, the greater your potential to be hurt. And remember that the initial dating stage is as good as it gets! So if you're seeing red flags during a time in which everything is set up to be easy and fun, it is not a good sign - proceed very cautiously. The purpose of dating is to learn as much about the person as possible, and have fun at the same time. The following list will help you get a good sense about how safe this person is for you. Read this list over after you start dating someone. Refer to it frequently, so you don't let denial set you up to get hurt... Take the rose-colored glasses off. Red flags should go up when the person you are dating: * avoids discussing their past or present life, or does so only vaguely * appears overly dependent on family members * seems to have few or no personal boundaries * exhibits excessive alcohol or drug use/abuse * exhibits frequent flirting/staring at others; seems to need constant attention * is not emotionally finished with ex-spouses/ex-lovers * is recently divorced or broken up from relationship * has credit problems, debts, shaky finances, undergoing a "temporary bad time" * seems to need to be in control at all times * never shows any fear or vulnerability * is unreliable; doesn't follow through on prearranged plans; is constantly late * expresses an over focus on sexual themes * has few or no long-term friendships or previous relationships * interrupts without listening; talks only about self and never asks you about you * is unavailable through overwork or excessive interests, family, children * has a negative, pessimistic outlook; critical of others; sarcastic sense of humor * does not take care of self in diet, exercise, appearance * cannot tolerate feedback from others without getting defensive * exhibits excessive computer use * has inappropriate ways of handling conflicts, or avoids conflict entirely * exhibits an inappropriate expression of anger * seems to be needy, clingy, constantly seeking validation Learning to look for red flags is a valuable focus - it can save you from much heartache, frustration, and drama... So recognize its importance and sharpen your dating skills! And always remember to date with your head, not with your heart!
Papillon Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 You're goddamn paranoid. Being your SO has to be a f***king nightmare, always have to wonder how ones behaviour is being analysed.
DerangedAngel Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 * exhibits excessive computer use * seems to have few or no personal boundaries * expresses an over focus on sexual themes * has inappropriate ways of handling conflicts, or avoids conflict entirely * has a negative, pessimistic outlook; critical of others; sarcastic sense of humor Oh wow. I hope none of my lovers ever read your list. The above "points" apply to me. Date Defensively... -Deranged
moimeme Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 Actually, it makes perfect sense to keep an eye out for warning signs. Go read a few relationship books; they'll make many of the same points. Fact is, some things are definitely negative signs and people ignore them at their peril. However, as for disorders, people will look at the list and, rather than understand that it refers to EXCESSIVE behaviours, will say 'oh, I'm like that so it's bogus' when they do not have those behaviours in nearly the levels which indicate there may be issues.
FreeMe Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 Hey RFR - great post. There's another major one that you only touched on in the "being clingy, needy..." line. ***Moving the relationship forward too fast!! wanting to get married or move in together right away. *** This is a gigantic red flag that few people want to see as a red flag because they are caught up in the intense feelings infatuation brings!! I have another, in addition to the one above, that would have saved me almost 3 years of pure misery too. Not being supportive of you. Not standing up for you. In my last disasterous relationship, the guys' parents hated me. Early in the relationship, his father called me a name and said some horrible things to me on the phone and my boyfriend (who was living with me) didn't say anything. He should have told him not to speak to the person he loves that way and hung up. But he didn't say anything. I should have known right there and then there would be major problems. I did kind of know, but I let it slide. HUGE ERROR!!
Papillon Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Actually, it makes perfect sense to keep an eye out for warning signs. Go read a few relationship books; they'll make many of the same points. Fact is, some things are definitely negative signs and people ignore them at their peril. However, as for disorders, people will look at the list and, rather than understand that it refers to EXCESSIVE behaviours, will say 'oh, I'm like that so it's bogus' when they do not have those behaviours in nearly the levels which indicate there may be issues. Moimeme, the basic premise of the thread is that people's behaviour can be categorised and boxed in. Any fool will know this isn't true. People aren't perfect, and to be ON THE LOOKOUT for undesirable behaviour from the get go is just plain stupid. This list should't even exist in the first place. Instead, there should be a "green flag list". This whole thing has a "glass half empty" smell to it. If you want to find undesirable behaviour in someone, you definitely are going to find it. It's a mark of wisdom and character in how you deal with and accept another's idiosyncracies. This list is a testament to a lack of commitment.
CurlyIam Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 I believe that one can never be too careful when starting dating someone, and although not admitting, I found myself subconsciously checking your list when analysing a new guy. But it is hard, as people know how to be charming, and if you're hooked, you should just throw the list off the window. So I guess I'll start you list there with: *See the person in front of you as she really is, not as she wants to appear. Make the difference between the two and use the information, it tells alot about people's insecurities!
FreeMe Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 Originally posted by Papillon If you want to find undesirable behaviour in someone, you definitely are going to find it. That's true - but sometimes there are major signs that can save you from a lot of pain and weed out abusers and users. When you're getting to know someone you should be trying to get to know all of them - not ONLY their good points. If I had paid attention to "red flags" in my relationships I would be a lot better off today. It's not about committment - it's before committment. It's what helps you decide if this is a person who's worthy of your trust and committment.
WWDDFD Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 Originally posted by Red Flag Rick * has few or no long-term friendships or previous relationships I call bull****. Some of us have been too busy helping their terminally-ill parents, working 3 jobs just to survive, and going to school at the same time to get into relationships with anyone.
DerangedAngel Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme people will look at the list and, rather than understand that it refers to EXCESSIVE behaviours, will say 'oh, I'm like that so it's bogus' when they do not have those behaviours in nearly the levels which indicate there may be issues. I think everything I listed above... I probably do excessively. I was only trying to be good humored about the post in general. Also, the term "dating defensively" struck me as quite funny. As if the post were similar to a driving course. But sorry if I offended anyone, especially Red Flag Rick. Originally posted by Papillon If you want to find undesirable behaviour in someone, you definitely are going to find it. Yes, good point! -Deranged
meagara Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 Would it be a good sign if your SO has 11 of these "Red Flags"? I think my SO is trying to control my life in a sense. My family says that they can see it, am I just blind? So what should I do with my man who express 11 of these characteristics?
DerangedAngel Posted May 6, 2004 Posted May 6, 2004 meagara, Perhaps you should start a new thread listing which 11 characteristics he is exhibiting. I'm sure you will get better responses that way. -Deranged
moimeme Posted May 7, 2004 Posted May 7, 2004 Plenty of people have ignored 'red flags' and lived to regret it. Some haven't lived. The fact is, whether you like it or not, there are some people out there with bigtime problems and nobody needs to be stuck with one. Bottom line is if you think you see a red flag AND your gut tells you something is wrong - PAY ATTENTION. Our instincts are usually bang on. Take it from a veteran of ignoring red flags.
yes Posted May 7, 2004 Posted May 7, 2004 i haven't read the entire thread, but i think it's very important to remember that the red flags list varies person to person. different issues bother different people to different degrees. sometimes two people with mirroring issues go well together - e.g. someone clingy + someone insecure (not that it couldn't cause problems later). what i've learned from my dating experience, if anything, is that nobody's pure good/bad... the question is rather - is he good/bad FOR ME? (not the world, not the family, not whoever else...) my 2c, -yes
moimeme Posted May 7, 2004 Posted May 7, 2004 Agreed, yes, but someone, for instance, who has chronic road rage and needs to be in control is likely not going to be good for anyone. There are behaviours which are unacceptable, and we see folks here all the time who have run into people who are trouble. This is not about nitpicking if someone is a litte cranky sometimes; you have to take the signs in context and understand that there are degrees of seriousness.
reasontosigh Posted May 7, 2004 Posted May 7, 2004 Originally posted by Red Flag Rick * exhibits excessive computer use I suspect that may eliminate the author of this post!!!! I feel like I've just read an online infomercial.
yes Posted May 7, 2004 Posted May 7, 2004 hey, i have chronic road rage (sometimes) - it's not the worst way to let that steam out (by screaming inside your car). i think aside from some biggies - violence/abuse, etc - it's hard to pin down what's a red flag. however, it's important to keep your eyes and ears open, because a red flag to you is always red, it's just a matter of not ignoring it, or ignoring it knowingly (if you only want a casual r/s, or if u'r just dating around and experimenting, etc). good luck everybody! -yes
DerangedAngel Posted May 7, 2004 Posted May 7, 2004 I suspect that may eliminate the author of this post!!!! As well as the rest of us! I feel like I've just read an online infomercial. Oh, is that how you describe this feeling, reason?
shamen Posted May 7, 2004 Posted May 7, 2004 My only new true red flag: Stay away from the serious drug and alcohol abusers! What a nightmare!
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