FSM Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 So I've been married 2 years, together for 5. Our relationship has become boring, routine, and it seems we stay together out of comfort than anything else. I've considered marriage counseling recently, but I've realized that I don't even know if I want to work it out. I'm just so tired of this that I don't know if I want to revive what we had. I just don't feel like we're compatible or good together for long term. Really the only thing holding me back is that I'm worried this is going to crush her. I know it's going to crush her. We've become dependent on each other and really just thinking about how bad she'll be hurt is why I haven't done it yet. I'm thinking that if I do go ahead with the divorce, whether or not I should tell her I wasn't faithful? I know honesty is always the best policy and it's weighed heavily on my conscience for some time now. I'm worried it would do even more harm, but on the other hand she may hate me and be glad to be rid of me and I'd rather that be the case then her sulking thinking she just lost some great guy. Thoughts?
mv6458 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 So I've been married 2 years, together for 5. Our relationship has become boring, routine, and it seems we stay together out of comfort than anything else. I've considered marriage counseling recently, but I've realized that I don't even know if I want to work it out. I'm just so tired of this that I don't know if I want to revive what we had. I just don't feel like we're compatible or good together for long term. Really the only thing holding me back is that I'm worried this is going to crush her. I know it's going to crush her. We've become dependent on each other and really just thinking about how bad she'll be hurt is why I haven't done it yet. I'm thinking that if I do go ahead with the divorce, whether or not I should tell her I wasn't faithful? I know honesty is always the best policy and it's weighed heavily on my conscience for some time now. I'm worried it would do even more harm, but on the other hand she may hate me and be glad to be rid of me and I'd rather that be the case then her sulking thinking she just lost some great guy. Thoughts? Does she know your relationship has become boring and routine to you? Have you expressed your feelings to her about the status of your relationship? And honestly if you haven't been faithful why are you worried about hurting her by leaving her? You weren't worried about hurting her by having an affair Maybe the root of the problem here is your guilt for having an affair.
Author FSM Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Does she know your relationship has become boring and routine to you? Have you expressed your feelings to her about the status of your relationship? And honestly if you haven't been faithful why are you worried about hurting her by leaving her? You weren't worried about hurting her by having an affair Maybe the root of the problem here is your guilt for having an affair. Yes she knows, I've made it clear. This is among many other issues that have gone argued/unchanged for some time now. But when I had the affair I knew she wouldn't find out. I guess the possibility is always there though, so I see your point, well taken. I do have a lot of guilt about it, I've come close to telling her before. I mean at that point it'd be over anyway if I told her as I know she wouldn't stay with me.
mv6458 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I do have a lot of guilt about it, I've come close to telling her before. I mean at that point it'd be over anyway if I told her as I know she wouldn't stay with me. Guilt can eat at you and make you miserable with yourself which comes through to your spouse. And don't be so sure she would leave over the A. I stayed with my H and tried to work it out! But it hAS to be something you both want. (My H did not.) And google beyond affairs network and look at the stories there of marriages that are better after an A then ever.
robf1971 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 So I've been married 2 years, together for 5. Our relationship has become boring, routine, and it seems we stay together out of comfort than anything else. I've considered marriage counseling recently, but I've realized that I don't even know if I want to work it out. I'm just so tired of this that I don't know if I want to revive what we had. I just don't feel like we're compatible or good together for long term. Really the only thing holding me back is that I'm worried this is going to crush her. I know it's going to crush her. We've become dependent on each other and really just thinking about how bad she'll be hurt is why I haven't done it yet. I'm thinking that if I do go ahead with the divorce, whether or not I should tell her I wasn't faithful? I know honesty is always the best policy and it's weighed heavily on my conscience for some time now. I'm worried it would do even more harm, but on the other hand she may hate me and be glad to be rid of me and I'd rather that be the case then her sulking thinking she just lost some great guy. Thoughts? Tell her the truth possobly you'd be surprised at her reaction. Maybe she thinks you're boring and routine and she's been having an affair with someone who isn't. How would that make you feel?
Author FSM Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Tell her the truth possobly you'd be surprised at her reaction. Maybe she thinks you're boring and routine and she's been having an affair with someone who isn't. How would that make you feel? Relieved? Happy that both of us have tired of this and are ready to move on? Unfortunately I know that's not the case and it's going to crush her.
visualbasicide Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Why did you get married to begin with? You are both still the same people, maybe just picked up some bad habits. Tell her about the A. If she want's a divorce then you have your answer. If she doesn't, then you two have to figure out how to get out of whatever spiral you are stuck in. Go to counseling. Don't just go just to make yourself feel better before you bail either, put effort into it. All the arguing and such has root causes. Nobody woke up one day an though "hmm, im just gonna start tearing down my partner because I have nothing else to do" Something set the other off, and they did (or didnt do) something back and so forth and so on and it's gotten to the point where everyone is on the defensive so no matter what is said your reading more body language and paranoia than anything that's actually said. could very well be guilt making you want to end it, but how is that her fault? Don't take that route though, if you ever loved her don't do it like that. When it's all said and done I would rather have the ugly truth than beautiful lies and so would anyone else that has been hurt like that. If after all that, you two can't then seem to forgive each other or yourselves, then you know that you did all you could. Nothing worth keeping come easy.
Author FSM Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Why did you get married to begin with? You are both still the same people, maybe just picked up some bad habits. Tell her about the A. If she want's a divorce then you have your answer. If she doesn't, then you two have to figure out how to get out of whatever spiral you are stuck in. Go to counseling. Don't just go just to make yourself feel better before you bail either, put effort into it. All the arguing and such has root causes. I got married because she was pressing the idea and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Our relationship has always been rocky though and it seems like I started sabotaging it once we got engaged. I was never unfaithful until we got engaged, and it happened more than once. So I know this relationship is now standing on lies and half truths. Nobody woke up one day an though "hmm, im just gonna start tearing down my partner because I have nothing else to do" Something set the other off, and they did (or didnt do) something back and so forth and so on and it's gotten to the point where everyone is on the defensive so no matter what is said your reading more body language and paranoia than anything that's actually said. could very well be guilt making you want to end it, but how is that her fault? Don't take that route though, if you ever loved her don't do it like that. When it's all said and done I would rather have the ugly truth than beautiful lies and so would anyone else that has been hurt like that. If after all that, you two can't then seem to forgive each other or yourselves, then you know that you did all you could. Nothing worth keeping come easy. The guilt is playing a part, but I think even moreso is the fact that she's pushing for children VERY HARD and taking proactive steps in terms of fertility treatments and such. Before this wasn't much of a concern but now we're talking about bringing another life into the mix and I'm seriously faced with whether or not this relationship is going to go the distance. I feel like it's not, and I feel like I should end it before she were to get pregnant. I haven't sat her down and talked to her yet, as I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to tell her flat out that I want a divorce or if I'm willing to go to counseling. I almost feel like what you mentioned though, I almost feel like I'd be going to MC just to give the impression of trying and I don't want to instill any false sense of hope in her. I don't think my heart would be in it at all.
visualbasicide Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 man all you can do is sit her down and lay everything out on the table and let it do what it does. Sooner rather than later would be advisable. You are giving her false hope right now by not telling her these things. Her view is no matter what you two will work it out. Don't let her believe it if it isn't true, man up and let her know the deal. You are really protecting yourself at this late date and it's beyond unfair to her. All you have to say is "We have to talk" and then lay everything out on the table. It's going to hurt her but it will hurt her more to find out way after the fact that everything she believed was a lie. At least if you tell her the truth she won't be running around asking the question many of us hated when we went through it...."why?" Why isn't it working, why can't I make them happy, why does everyone else make it through difficult times but not us. When I went through it with my ex I just couldn't understand why nothing I said or did mattered. I was hitting an invisible wall over and over and it made no sense at all. It was a nightmare, like some sick dream I couldn't wake up from. When I found out she was cheating on me with someone else it made perfect sense and I didn't have to struggle with that part anymore, it let me jump into the next phase of coping without having all those unanswered questions. Be like Nike, just do it. I would have given anything for honesty and respect vs the crap that I got handed. Makes me far more bitter about the situation that I would have been otherwise. I wasn't even worth the truth. She didn't love me, didn't want me, betrayed me and was such a spineless coward she couldn't say it to my face. I wouldn't have liked her any better because of it but I would have respected her for telling me the truth. Don't go out like that bro. Your guilt will still follow you around.
Author FSM Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Well, yesterday I told her that I had been thinking about divorce, which triggered an emotional explosion for both of us that lasted the day. I couldn't help but cry, I felt terrible, and I don't cry. I came soo close to telling her about the affairs I had, but it just seemed like she had had too much already and I couldn't bring myself to dump even more on her in one day. We're going to try counseling and I'm going to tell her there or before we start counseling, it's only fair to her and I really need to get this off of my chest. Change is coming one way or another and I don't know what the future holds, but at least it will be honest and it will all be out there.
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Well, yesterday I told her that I had been thinking about divorce, which triggered an emotional explosion for both of us that lasted the day. I couldn't help but cry, I felt terrible, and I don't cry. I came soo close to telling her about the affairs I had, but it just seemed like she had had too much already and I couldn't bring myself to dump even more on her in one day. We're going to try counseling and I'm going to tell her there or before we start counseling, it's only fair to her and I really need to get this off of my chest. Change is coming one way or another and I don't know what the future holds, but at least it will be honest and it will all be out there. you are doing the right thing buddy and when you do tell her not only will it set you free it will help her to understand the question of "why". I know you don't really want to hurt her but that singular question of why everything is happening helps us make the link we need to move forward with our lives. It is going to hurt both of you because no one really likes being on either side of this but you will be doing her a tremendous favor by telling her the truth. It will make the length of time she has to go through this less because she won't have to face that part of self doubt. She can skip it and go on to the next which will ultimately help her heal faster. She will understand the truth and you won't have the guilt of lying to her draped on your shoulders. Stay strong and move forward as you have planned. Don't start the blame game either, well You made ME cheat because....it just isn't true. She did things that made you WANT to cheat but it was YOUR choice to act on it. Own up to it and let her vent how she feels about it without becoming too defensive. She loved you and you hurt her, I don't want either of you to live in a lie, and from the sound of it, neither do you. All you can do is tell her the truth and tell her you accept her feelings on the situation. In my own situation I have tons of bitterness towards her because EVERYTHING she did was somehow MY fault, even though I know it's the other way around. We all had choices and my own weren't the best they could have been but at the end of the day it was HER actions that ended it and not mine, she made that last step knowingly and her denying it the whole way through ruined any respect I ever had for her. When she looks back at this she will either see you as honest or a coward depending on how you handle this, how you want her to think of you is in your hands. Best of luck.
Author FSM Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 I appreciate all the input and thoughts. At this point I'm wondering, even hoping that maybe we could give counseling a shot, if she wants to after she finds out. I don't know if that will be the case, but I feel like these past couple years of our relationship which have been hard, have been tainted by my secrecy and the distrust in our relationship. I'm just trying to decide if I should tell her now or wait til we're in a counseling session to spill my guts.
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I appreciate all the input and thoughts. At this point I'm wondering, even hoping that maybe we could give counseling a shot, if she wants to after she finds out. I don't know if that will be the case, but I feel like these past couple years of our relationship which have been hard, have been tainted by my secrecy and the distrust in our relationship. I'm just trying to decide if I should tell her now or wait til we're in a counseling session to spill my guts. Tell her now buddy. Best thing you can do for either of you. Give her the option and don't embarrass her by breaking it to her in front of a total stranger, it'll just make a bad situation worse.
Author FSM Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 You're emotionally blackmailing her. The only reason you didn't want to tell her was to cover your tracks. Just divorce her if all you're going to do is lie to her. No, the reason I didn't tell her was because she went through enough emotional upheaval for one day yesterday.
Author FSM Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 Tell her now buddy. Best thing you can do for either of you. Give her the option and don't embarrass her by breaking it to her in front of a total stranger, it'll just make a bad situation worse. I told her. I thought I'd feel better getting it off my chest. I don't. Almost wish I would have kept lying to her. It's been a bad, bad night. She took off without saying much after our initial conversation, but I think it's a safe bet that I can start packing my bags.
visualbasicide Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 I didn't say you would feel good about it immediately. In retrospect you will think back and be able to say you handled it better than alot of other people. Right now everyone's emotions are high. You might very well end up packing, doesn't mean you will stay gone. The ball is in her court now and she will have to decide what the next step is. If you want to try to work on it, then make sure she knows that. Once the initial shock wears off, she will get angry as well. Do NOT defend yourself at all. own up to everything she says. It may or may not be "over over". Tell her the mistakes you have made and what you would like to do about them and then give her all the time she needs to make a choice about how she wants to proceed. If it is in line with what you want, then good. If not, then you still have to respect her decision.
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