So Hurtful Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Just need to vent, and like I said, I will stick to this forum to control my instincts of wanting to contact him. Well, I was doing just fine yesterday. Since we will be LC, he had not tried to contact me all day and I was not going to be the one to do it, he is the one that needs space. So 5:00 p.m. came around, I left work, went to get my kids and take them to their extracurricular activities. We live in the 4th largest city of the U.S. and so many freeways, millions of people, etc. Well, I am driving down the freeway during rush hour and I see a company truck (company he works for) and I am thinking, okay, it would be too much of a coincidence if it is him, I mean, come on, that would be too much!!, well, guess what? It was him!!!! he saw me, and made a sign to call him, so I did!!! so we ended up talking for a little bit and I told him, well, if you were trying to stay away from me and not call me today, here I am on the freeway!!! I thought to myself, oh shoot, I am trying to do good here and then this happens!! I was doing so well and was determined to not call him!!. Well, this is not the part were I am upset. Here it comes, I told him that while the kids were at practice, I would go walking with my best friend which also takes her kids to practice. She has been my best friend since high school and he knows her from high school as well but has not seen here for 16+ years but I've told him she is very thin, back in high school she was not as thin as she is now, even after having 4 babies!! A few minutes later he texts to ask how many miles I've walked and I replied, "a lot" and he replied "I said miles, not centimeters", so I said "oh, in that case, I haven't walked but half a mile then, thanks for the cheers!" then, here comes my problem, he said "tell your friend I said hi, tell her she needs to get those legs she had in high school back". So I replied "sure will" and he texted back a "?". So I called him later before practice was over and while still with my friend and told him I had given her the message about saying hi, that I gladly did that but the second message I was too embarrassed to tell her because that was very disrespectful and I was ashamed of telling her that, and he was like "is it disrespectful for you or her?" and I told him "for both!" so of course he said "okay, okay, you called to scold me", "you are scolding me, you are mad", and I said oh no, I am not mad but I am not a messenger and surely not for something so embarrassing like that, and of course, he got upset because I was scolding him and told me to call him when I was not upset and I said, I'm not upset and then he said he was busy and we hung up!!! He was trying to laugh it up but I do not find this to be a very amusing joke, not with my best friend. Just wanted to vent. I do not want to sound like a little girl but I sincerely thought that was very disrespectful and a very sorry comment.
thomasb Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Sorry, but to me this sounds so very grade school type behavior. I can't imagine it at 40 and being in a real relationship.
TigerCub Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Hey SH, what exactly are you so mad about? Is it that he's trying to open a door with your best friend by flirting with her? Is it that you broke LC and he proved to be "typical" and that was disappointing? or Is it that he hung up on you when you wanted him to actually understand how his actions made you feel? Its all reason to be mad (in my view), but for you, what is it?
fooled once Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Hey SH, what exactly are you so mad about? Is it that he's trying to open a door with your best friend by flirting with her? Is it that you broke LC and he proved to be "typical" and that was disappointing? or Is it that he hung up on you when you wanted him to actually understand how his actions made you feel? Its all reason to be mad (in my view), but for you, what is it? I was wondering the same thing as TC. I know he motioned for YOU to call him, but he could have called you. And then for you to call him to tell him about delivering the message sounded like to me you just made up an excuse to call him. You totally disrespected you by asking you to give her a message about her legs. What a slap in the face to you, yet I don't see where you were bothered by it. And then for him to talk to you the way he did - about "scolding" him... You are not his mom! If he cared about you, he would not have wanted you to deliver a message to her about her legs and he would have talked to you about scolding him and he sure as hell wouldn't have hung up on you!!! Now you have decisions to make. You get to decide if you are going to continue to allow him to treat you poorly. You get to decide if you are DONE with him and these games. You get to decide if you are going to continue to be his OW and put up with how he treats you. I personally hope you decide you want more and better for yourself and you tell him to get f*cked and to leave you alone and stop playing with your emotions. He wants space - give it to him. Refuse all attempts to contact you. If you are done being the OW, be done and start to heal. Good luck.
TurboGirl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I would have never called him. You should have shook your head NO or not even ackowledged him if you are in LC. Um... calling guys, especially ones you are supposedly in "LC" with is not smart and only leads to more pain. IMHO, this guy is a total azz and needs a good kick upside the head. Why on earth would you even want to be in an A with such a jerk? He is now trying to hit on your friend! WTH! Does he think he is cassanova of the freeway, or what? OP... now is the time... NOW is the time. Cut off this jerk. You don't need this BS in your life... if it doesn't bring you joy, kick it to the curb!
wannabdone Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Your right, Turbo.... she shouldn't have called him, she should have shook her head NO, or better yet, flipped him the bird and motioned with her mouth to "F-OFF".... understand you really can't, since kids are in the car, but would have been AWESOME!!! I haven't read your original thread yet about your relationship as a whole, just this one. I will later. But, from what I'm seeing, and I could be wrong.... I see ..... GAMES, GAMES, GAMES. So Hurtful, I know its easy for everyone to say: "don't call", "be done", "hes a piece of crap", and the list goes on and on. And they are all spot on. However, I know how hard it is to love someone, who doesn't love you back or doesn't love you enough. You want so badly to keep that connection some how. But, the key is to really stop and see what it is your trying to hold onto. Hurt, games, etc??? Not a whole lot to hang onto. Just try to take the time to look at it that way. Something that helps me to get through the NC, is when I want to call him or email him, or whatever, I think "well, I could also go down to a street corner, buy some herion and stick it in my arm. I would get the EXACT same outcome. Feel good for a minute, followed by hurt." Don't beat yourself up for slipping, we all slip. You have to look at his like an addiction. "today, i'm okay, but I don't know what tomorrow holds"....that is a very realistic outlook. If you set up unrealistic goals, and you don't keep them, you set yourself up for failure. Know its hard, and if you do slip, learn your lesson from it, and grow. That is the glass half full here....this is probably one of the hardest things you ever have to go through....but through pain, there is growth!!!! Now to this guy.... he tells you he needs space, then he motions for you to call. He responds to your text, something about your friends body, then he gets mad for you scolding him. Have you ever read anything about Narcassism?? To me, and I could be wrong....(god knows I am a lot or I wouldn't be on this forum).... he says he needs his space....is that him pulling away to get you to beg for him???? When he does text you he talks about your friends body.... again....getting you to be upset and essentially giving him attention???? Which you did, by getting upset. And last, which is a big red flag, is him getting mad and ending the conversation because you were upset. N are the very best of the best at game playing everything is to get attention, just like kids they don't are it its negative or positive attention as long as it is attention. And they absolutely can not handle any critisim. Just some suggestions on things you might want to look into. I have had a long relationship with a N. Its awful painful and most of the time you don't even relaize they are until its too late and you are already involved and very much in love. Good luck, and keep your head up. You are aware of your slip ups, and THAT IS GROWTH RIGHT THERE!!! I will bet its much more than you were doing a while back. Keep venting. It makes you and others reading it stronger!!!!
TigerCub Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 she should have shook her head NO, or better yet, flipped him the bird and motioned with her mouth to "F-OFF".... understand you really can't, since kids are in the car, but would have been AWESOME!!! I'm not familiar with any of your other posts yet, but I like your style! You're making a fan out of me with that 1 paragraph
wannabdone Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Well.... then don't read the other posts. because i've been until recently about the biggest dumb ass on the planet.
TigerCub Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Well.... then don't read the other posts. because i've been until recently about the biggest dumb ass on the planet. haha, well now that I know I shouldn't, you know I'm gonna - & it will be so embarrassing if your stories make you seem so much wiser than me - oh boy, cuz then if you're a dumb ass, what would that make me
TigerCub Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Ok Wannab, I just read your story, and I don't think you're a dumb ass, I think you made mistakes and you lacked major perspective and invested in a douche. I'm so sorry for all that you've been through, but I'm really happy to see that you're finally done and you're being strong. You will find your way completely out of this - just stay strong, & keep posting. The further you distance yourself from him, and the longer you stay that way, the easier it will be to see him for what he truly is and you wont want to short change yourself again. ***HUGS*** p.s. Sorry for the little t/j SH.
Author So Hurtful Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Thomasb, I know this sounds like grade school type behavior and I am sorry for posting about something so childish but at this point it is helping me realize how he handles conflict and looking at him in a different perspective for sure. Things got even worse yesterday and I fell for his manipulation! I'll tell you about it in a minute. TigerCub, I'm upset about all of it. Making the comment about my friend even though he says he did not mean it in a direspectful way, that I broke LC and that he did not want to continue our conversation because I was upset. He did not want to bother with it. FooledOnce, that's what I say, I am not his mom, I don't want to play that role. You are right, I don't want to continue these games and do not want him to treat me poorly. He might be able to get away with this with other people but I have to stop this because I do not like it and like your signature says "we teach others how to treat us" and I should not make any exceptions with him and not let my feelings get in the way. Bentnotbroken, I am sorry, I know I am confusing and you guys will probably start getting bored of my posts! TurboGirl, thanks for the advice, I definitely do not need this BS. Wannabdone, you are right, GAMES, GAMES, GAMES, he likes to play games but I am not about games and I have told him that, I am about compromise and responsibilities. I have not read about Narcassism but will definitely do it now because I believe your are right on him not handling criticism well, that is why things went from bad to worse yesterday, and he definitely craves the attention I have always provided for him since he was my everything for 20 months. I will keep venting here. Thanks! So here's what happened yesterday: He texted to say good morning, I replied saying good morning, then he texted "have you cooled down?" and I replied with a long message saying that I understand that he likes to admire others' beauty, hey, we are not blind so of course it is okay to look (but not touch!) but that I was very disappointed because he had crossed a boundary, a very thin line by making a comment like that about my best friend which I consider like a sister to me. I also told him that I hope the day comes when he can appreciate and value only one pair of legs and not have the need to think about other ladies' legs (remember he is MM so he also has a pair of legs at home!!, oh goodness, this is horrible) I told him I believe no one fulfills him and that he has said to me before that since my return to his life he does not have eyes for anybody else and I stupidly believed him for 20 months but now I'm like "yeah right!" and you did this on my face (about my friends legs)!! I finished my reply by saying that I was okay, that I was not going to or even try to change his actions, that he is responsible for what he says and does. I ended it with a "I am happy it is September 1, and how are you doing?". Weeeeellll, guess what???? he called me a few minutes later so upset and talking so fast that I was like "please slow down so I can understand what you are saying!". He said "you want to talk about lines and boundaries? well, last week you made a comment that really offended me, you said that I would be capable of stealing my son's girlfriend from him, what kind of man do you think I am, what kind of pig do you think I am? and if you are going to be making jokes like that then you need to be able to take a joke like the one I said about your friends legs, a friend of yours that I have not seen in 16 years! Oh my goodness, was he upset! I was not expecting this from him, I truly wasn't. I told him if he had a problem with the comment that I made last week, he should have addressed it sooner and he said "no, I was waiting for the right moment to bring it up!" so apparently he felt attacked and he had a card under his sleeve to counterattack????? is that what happened??? He caught me offguard and before you know it I was apolozing to him!!! WTF???? Thing is, he was telling me about his son's new girlfriend and his son is 19 and MM is only 37 and in very good shape, he looks like a high school boy still so they look like brothers! so when he was telling me about the girlfriend and said that she likes to go to the shooting range (which he does as well but his son doesn't) I said, oh, cool, maybe you and the girlfriend will end up at the shooting range together and the girlfriend will want to keep the dad instead of the son, I mean, once she meets you she is going to be like "forget the son, I'll keep the dad"!! and you would go for it right?? but I was joking!!! I was trying to imply that he is so appealing!! but he was so "offended by it" that he did not tell me about it for a week until it was convenient for him and he used it as a way to attack me. So, like I said, he turned the tables on me. I apologized and apologized and apologized for my comment but now after sleeping on it I'm like, are you crazy???? that is not the way to solve an issue, by counter-attacking. What happened to dialogue and communication? But oh well, good thing about all this is that I am starting to see him without rose-colored glasses or however it is said around here!! By the way, I apologize if sometimes my comments do not make sense. English is not my first language and sometimes I get "stuck" and repeat myself too much. I appreciate your time and I will stick to this forum to get my mind off this childish issues. Thanks all!
TurboGirl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 So Hurtful, WOW your story reminds me of my xMM - an arrogant, narcissistic jerk. It's aaaaaaaallllll about him. How DARE you question him, So Hurtful? How DARE you? So of course he is gonna come back at you with some BS and try & turn the tables, and make you feel like YOU did a bad thing, had bad behaviour, when it was HIS bad behaviour that started it! (why didn't he say something to you about that comment when you said it?!!!!!). Yeah, I was there before... apologizing, my head spinning off my shoulders, thinking, What Just Happened Here? Your MM is a pretty good spin doctor. Glad that the tint is wearing off of the rose coloured glasses... hope that soon you can tell him to go F*** himself.
wannabdone Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Tiger.... thx to you. Very sweet. I appreciate it. I'll keep following your posts....we will help eachother. So Hurtful.... Sister!!! This is a mess. I have been involved with a narcassist for a decade, and I can tell you I have never been involved with this kind of conversations. You stated that he likes to play games, but you don't. I'm sorry to tell you, and I hope you don't take offense to this, because its not my meaning....but you are playing games. Whether you realize it or not. You are adding fuel to this man to continue to play these games. From all accounts this "man" seems incredible narcassistic. And please understand that when you are in these relatioships, it is abusive. He sucks you in before you even know what is going on. I just can't see any one good thing that coming from you contacting him. I'm proud of you for seeing him without the rose tinted glasses. But do you think there is anyway you can not pick up the phone when he calls?? Or not answer his texts?
xxoo Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 But oh well, good thing about all this is that I am starting to see him without rose-colored glasses or however it is said around here!! That's a start! That thing he did, turning the conversation around until YOU were apologizing? That's masterful manipulation. That's well practiced. This is not new behavior to him. One word: RUN.
spice4life Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I wouldn't even bother with this guy anymore if I were you. He doesn't sound like he is worth the upset.
fooled once Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I wouldn't even bother with this guy anymore if I were you. He doesn't sound like he is worth the upset. Ditto And so hurt, why in the world are you contacting him if he needs his space? Why do you keep allowing him to treat you so poorly? He turned this around, as most self center, selfish people do, and you are falling all over yourself to make it better FOR HIM!!! You really need to step back and see him for what he is
IzzyB Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 OP, no offense but quite honestly, you have nothing to complain about. This man is clearly messed up and a douche and you have the choice NOT TO ENGAGE with him. Seriously? He motions for you to call him and you do? then he insults you and you spend all that time in a text trying to tell him to have some boundaries and not insult your friend? Who are you trying to convince here? Go to therapy and get in touch with the part of you that WANTS to play the VICTIM. Seriously, he cant abuse you without your consent, at least not in this situation. Somewhere along the line, you have learned and internalized the (false) fact that you deserve this behavior and you are actually going out of your way to make sure that it continues. Until you figure out why you are repeating these patterns, you will remain in these situations. MM is simply a player in your own drama, if its not him, it will be the next man. Go within and do some healing. You deserve better and YOU are the only one who needs to realize this. He is honestly irrelevant. Good luck and seriously, I dont mean to be critical in a negative way, you have had enough of that. My intent is to give it to you straight up so you can face your own truth and begin the journey back to yourand your true worth, which is quite amazing. You just forgot.
wannabdone Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 OP, no offense but quite honestly, you have nothing to complain about. This man is clearly messed up and a douche and you have the choice NOT TO ENGAGE with him. Seriously? He motions for you to call him and you do? then he insults you and you spend all that time in a text trying to tell him to have some boundaries and not insult your friend? Who are you trying to convince here? Go to therapy and get in touch with the part of you that WANTS to play the VICTIM. Seriously, he cant abuse you without your consent, at least not in this situation. Somewhere along the line, you have learned and internalized the (false) fact that you deserve this behavior and you are actually going out of your way to make sure that it continues. Until you figure out why you are repeating these patterns, you will remain in these situations. MM is simply a player in your own drama, if its not him, it will be the next man. Go within and do some healing. You deserve better and YOU are the only one who needs to realize this. He is honestly irrelevant. . You are correct, however if you have ever studied anything on Narcassicism, you will see how it unfolds that they lure their victims in and they don't even know it until they are already involved in it. It seems like she is just now starting to open her eyes to what he really is, and that is good. I think its time that she not only opens her eyes to this guy's behaviors, but she opens her eyes that she has fallen into an abusive relationship. And when she does that, she can then start putting her foot down and living for herself.
country_gurl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Reads like a whole lotta immature high school drama. Not sure if the OP is the OW or the MW but either way her time would be best spent focusing on her children and positive things in life than getting bent out of shape about seriously trivial stuff like this.
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