Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 #1 and #2 are reserved for exclusive relationships, although I would prefer to avoid #2 entirely. LOL, I don't give hand jobs to multiple guys. That's not the idea you gave from your post(s). You said #1 and #2 are reserved for exclusive relationships. So I assumed you meant the rest is A-OK when engaging in non-exclusive dating.
bluenightowl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 You have your argumentation screwed up, seriously. Scenario: We're dating each other. You go out with another guy to a restaurant and make out with him there. I walk into the restaurant due to having a business related appointment. I see you making out with the guy. The only thing that that would result in is that we're done. I'd consider it cheating. An the reason for that is that apparently you were willing to risk me by making out with another guy. If you wouldn't be into me enough, I'd expect you to tell me that before I emotionally invest into you and before you fool around with another guy. If you were into me, then I'd expect you to have the respect for me to not fool around with other guys while were dating, whether you're multi-dating or not. In my opinion people should either compartmentalize their dating endeavors. I.e. you date people in serial, one by one, but not at the same time and in the time you date the person you test for compatibility. OR you multi-date and be completely open about it to all the people you're dating, i.e. you tell everyone that you're dating multiple people at the same time. AND you don't fool around with any of the people you date, so you don't go around making out with everyone or giving hand jobs to the people you're dating. You keep it formal until you've connected with someone, then tell the rest there wasn't (enough) chemistry. How f*cking hard is that? It's not. But, that's not what this is about is it? This is about people fooling around with multiple people at the same time, because they either can't control themselves or have little sense for ethics or just don't feel like behaving in a decent way. Seems to me like a lot of people seem no different than players. The only difference seems to be the penetration. F*cking ridiculous argumentation, it really holds no ground in my opinion. Great points, and I've struggled with this myself. All the time you see people getting very intimate very early in the game while dating other people. As Cypress25 said, she might be ready to be exclusive after 4 dates, but he might be ready and she doesn't want to rush him. The problem with all of this, is while one person wants to give that person the space to decide, you could be getting fairly intimate.. making out, hand jobs etc. as people have been talking about. It seems a lot of people use sex as something to hold back on, but its true you could be very emotionally invested in someone regardless of sex. That said, people seems to cope with this by being cautious emotionally until they are exclusive. From what I've read and experienced myself, I rarely come across people getting too intimate and then not agree to at least, not date anyone else after 4-8 dates. There's another whole thread on here about why multi dating is BS if you are looking for a committed relationship.
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Great points, and I've struggled with this myself. All the time you see people getting very intimate very early in the game while dating other people. As Cypress25 said, she might be ready to be exclusive after 4 dates, but he might be ready and she doesn't want to rush him. The problem with all of this, is while one person wants to give that person the space to decide, you could be getting fairly intimate.. making out, hand jobs etc. as people have been talking about. It seems a lot of people use sex as something to hold back on, but its true you could be very emotionally invested in someone regardless of sex. That said, people seems to cope with this by being cautious emotionally until they are exclusive. From what I've read and experienced myself, I rarely come across people getting too intimate and then not agree to at least, not date anyone else after 4-8 dates. There's another whole thread on here about why multi dating is BS if you are looking for a committed relationship. In my opinion it's simple. If someone multi-dates and that person fools around with multiple people during the entire ordeal, whether it's making out, giving hand jobs or whatever outside of a formal talk over a dinner or drink, then I wouldn't even consider them as potential relationship material, because they already demonstrate from the get-go that they fool around with multiple people. Knowing that about someone would cause me to think they're not quality people in the context of dating and relationships. They display no class, no decency, no standard for themselves and the people they date.
Cypress25 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Scenario: We're dating each other. You go out with another guy to a restaurant and make out with him there. I walk into the restaurant due to having a business related appointment. I see you making out with the guy. The only thing that that would result in is that we're done. I'd consider it cheating. An the reason for that is that apparently you were willing to risk me by making out with another guy. The reason this is unfair is because she doesn't know that you expect monogamy already. For all she knows, you're out with another girl, making out with her. She thinks you both have the freedom to date others. If you don't want her to date others, then you have to speak up. If you wouldn't be into me enough, I'd expect you to tell me that before I emotionally invest into you and before you fool around with another guy. If you were into me, then I'd expect you to have the respect for me to not fool around with other guys while were dating, whether you're multi-dating or not. How early do you expect monogamy from a girl? After one date? Two? Three? If you don't talk about it with her, how is she supposed to know where you draw the line? In my opinion people should either compartmentalize their dating endeavors. I.e. you date people in serial, one by one, but not at the same time and in the time you date the person you test for compatibility. OR you multi-date and be completely open about it to all the people you're dating, i.e. you tell everyone that you're dating multiple people at the same time. AND you don't fool around with any of the people you date, so you don't go around making out with everyone or giving hand jobs to the people you're dating. You keep it formal until you've connected with someone, then tell the rest there wasn't (enough) chemistry. Well, that's your opinion. Not everyone agrees with it. That doesn't mean other people are wrong, it just means they have a different dating style. If you're so possessive that you feel you own the girl after just one date, then you should tell her that as soon as you meet for your first date. Right at the beginning, say "We are now dating and I expect you to be faithful to me from this moment on. You are not allowed to date anyone else until you're done with me. And if you do, you must tell me everything you do with anyone else." You shouldn't mind doing that, since you're all about being open and honest. The problem is, your date wouldn't last more than 5 minutes if you did that. Even if she wasn't dating anyone else, she would still be freaked out by a possessive, controlling guy such as yourself. How f*cking hard is that? It's not. But, that's not what this is about is it? This is about people fooling around with multiple people at the same time, because they either can't control themselves or have little sense for ethics or just don't feel like behaving in a decent way. You may think it's unethical, but many people disagree with you. You may think it's indecent behavior, but many people disagree with you. Some people think sex before marriage is unethical, and they would say you're not behaving in a decent way when you engage in premarital sex. Everyone has different values and ethics. It's not up to you to determine the universal standards for ethical behavior. Seems to me like a lot of people seem no different than players. The only difference seems to be the penetration. F*cking ridiculous argumentation, it really holds no ground in my opinion. I don't think it's ridiculous. Sex is a big deal to me. I don't have sex with just anyone. I wait for sex to protect myself from getting hurt. It's not so I can go around giving hand jobs to multiple guys (I wouldn't want to do that anyway); it's so I don't put myself in a vulnerable position with a guy who may or may not be dating other people. That's not the idea you gave from your post(s). You said #1 and #2 are reserved for exclusive relationships. So I assumed you meant the rest is A-OK when engaging in non-exclusive dating. I can be exclusive even if we are not exclusive. He might be dating other people, while I'm only dating him. That's OK because we haven't discussed exclusivity yet, so I don't expect it from him. #1 and #2 don't happen until we have both agreed on an exclusive relationship. The rest is A-OK before that, because I know that I'm only doing those things with him. He may or may not be dating other people. I would expect us to both be ready for an exclusive relationship after about 1-2 months of dating.
carhill Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Absent prior conversations regarding exclusivity, if I'm regularly engaging in behaviors which consistently leave me with blue balls, I'll have the 'talk' proactively, since at least one of us is getting sufficiently stimulated to feel that 'pain' of non-orgasm, which means, to me anyway, that complete love-making is pretty close. Historically, that has happened after about a month of progression, generally 4-6 dates. Then, if in agreement, we mutually decide how and when sex occurs, discuss STD status/testing, etc. I fully expect women to be entertaining other men, kissing them, 'making out' with them, etc and, IME, most have/do. I have no control over their behaviors, and the poll inquired what my behaviors and decision making process were/is. That's about it.
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) The reason this is unfair is because she doesn't know that you expect monogamy already. For all she knows, you're out with another girl, making out with her. She thinks you both have the freedom to date others. In my opinion, the way I look at is common sense. The problem you're describing here stems from a warped view that apparently in today's day and age it's okay to fool around with multiple people at the same time without those people knowing about it. It's not ok, but a lot of people want it to be, so they justify it for themselves any way they can. Apparently it has become the standard in society to do so. If you don't want her to date others, then you have to speak up. No she should be frank with me that she's dating multiple people, before we're going on a first date. And she shouldn't fool around with any of us until she feels a connection with someone and tells off the rest. It' not rocket science. How early do you expect monogamy from a girl? After one date? Two? Three? If you don't talk about it with her, how is she supposed to know where you draw the line? She isn't supposed to have that issue, like I said, it stems from a warped view that's it's ok to fool around with multiple people at the same time without those people knowing about it. Well, that's your opinion. Not everyone agrees with it. That doesn't mean other people are wrong, it just means they have a different dating style. Yes they are wrong, because that dating style you're talking about and that many other in this thread are adhering to can hurt other people. Be an adult, say that you're dating multiple people when you are and don't fool around with multiple people at the same time. Simple as that. If you're so possessive that you feel you own the girl after just one date, then you should tell her that as soon as you meet for your first date. It has nothing to do with being possessive. It has to do with expecting decency as the standard. But I can't expect that apparently. Apparently society has declined to the point where indecency is the standard. Right at the beginning, say "We are now dating and I expect you to be faithful to me from this moment on. You are not allowed to date anyone else until you're done with me. And if you do, you must tell me everything you do with anyone else." I don't have to tell her that. I expect that from a woman I'm dating. And if it turns out she doesn't even have a basic level of decency to not fool around with multiple men at the same time, then we're not compatible, because I don't want her. You shouldn't mind doing that, since you're all about being open and honest. It should go without saying that a basic level of decency may be expected. The problem is, your date wouldn't last more than 5 minutes if you did that. Like I said, it should go without saying. But if she somehow would take offense by the fact that I think it's indecent when she fools around with multiple men at the same time, while stringing us all along on dates, then I don't care that the date would last 5 minutes. Next! Even if she wasn't dating anyone else, she would still be freaked out by a possessive, controlling guy such as yourself. You're misreading me. It's not about possessiveness, I don't want to own the person I'm dating. I want to be on equal footing with someone. I simply think that a woman who fools around with multiple men engages in indecent behavior and I expect a basic level of decency and ethical behavior, because I don't want to get hurt. You can't say I'm possessive for having this standard. That being said I think multi-dating is ok, just as long as everyone involved is informed about it and there's no fooling around with multiple people. You may think it's unethical, but many people disagree with you. You may think it's indecent behavior, but many people disagree with you. Some people think sex before marriage is unethical, and they would say you're not behaving in a decent way when you engage in premarital sex. Everyone has different values and ethics. It's not up to you to determine the universal standards for ethical behavior. Ethics is not an opinion related field. There is a universal standard for ethics. It applies to every sentient being. I don't think it's ridiculous. Sex is a big deal to me. I don't have sex with just anyone. I wait for sex to protect myself from getting hurt. It's not so I can go around giving hand jobs to multiple guys (I wouldn't want to do that anyway); it's so I don't put myself in a vulnerable position with a guy who may or may not be dating other people. Yeah, play that game. That wasn't the point now was it? I can be exclusive even if we are not exclusive. He might be dating other people, while I'm only dating him. That's OK because we haven't discussed exclusivity yet, so I don't expect it from him. #1 and #2 don't happen until we have both agreed on an exclusive relationship. The rest is A-OK before that, because I know that I'm only doing those things with him. He may or may not be dating other people. I would expect us to both be ready for an exclusive relationship after about 1-2 months of dating. A shame that the men you're dating aren't telepathic then. You're saying you can justify making out with multiple men 2 months into the dating process, while non of those guys are informed about it that you're doing that? I don't even know what to say. From this thread it seem almost everyone thinks like this. I feel like an alien. Edited September 2, 2011 by Nexus One
Duckduckgoose Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Hugs is it for me till exclusivity is verbally agreed upon by both parties. Nexus is pwning this topic hard. I could slut around and feel up on every guy I find attractive, but that will only make me look worse in the eyes of the guys that I DO want to find ME attractive. I will also admit that I do need to be "locked down" as someone mentioned in an earlier post. I see no point in NOT flirting with and admiring several men at once. But once "locked down" I am quite loyal to the person I'm with. If a man that wants to be with me can't get the balls up to establish an exclusive relationship then he can't really get mad when I hang out with other men instead of him. Perhaps a little jealousy will get him moving in the right direction. I had this problem with my exH for a while before we starting dating
bluenightowl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I don't even know what to say. From this thread it seem almost everyone thinks like this. I feel like an alien. What's good is you have very clearly defined idea of the type of woman you are looking to date. LS just represents a slice of society so you've got people who think sex is just sex and no big deal, to people who only wants hugs until exclusivity, and then everything in between. Its really easy for you if you don't want to get hurt, because you know the type of person you want to date. You might just have to be careful to indicate your dating style to them up front.
Cypress25 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Nexus, you're being a hypocrite. You expect her to be honest with you, but you refuse to be honest with her. Because your breed of honesty "goes without saying," while her breed of honesty must be disclosed before she goes on even one date with you. Your expectations are totally unreasonable. You expect women to read your mind and know that you have very strict codes of conduct for other people, and you expect them to adjust their behavior to fit your definition of decency. But you don't even have the guts to tell them how you feel. If you won't tell a woman that, why should she tell you if she's dating other people? Maybe she thinks it goes without saying that you're both dating other people, since you're not in a relationship and you both have the freedom to do that. Why does she have to tell you everything, while you don't have to tell her anything? Women should just automatically do what you want, right? The problem you're describing here stems from a warped view that apparently in today's day and age it's okay to fool around with multiple people at the same time without those people knowing about it. Actually, it is OK, unless you're in a monogamous relationship. If you're not in a monogamous relationship, the other person owes you NOTHING. She doesn't owe you monogamy and she doesn't owe you honesty. In the early stages of dating, you have no right to know what that girl is doing with other people. It's none of your business. You don't own her and you can't control her. You don't get to tell her how she should be dating. She has the right to privacy. No she should be frank with me that she's dating multiple people, before we're going on a first date. And she shouldn't fool around with any of us until she feels a connection with someone and tells off the rest. It' not rocket science. Before you go on a first date? She's not even dating you yet, and already she has to tell you all about her personal life? And you're really getting carried away with all these shoulds and shouldn'ts. Who are you to tell other people how they should behave in their interactions with others? I've never seen such controlling behavior in my life. Do you also tell women how they should dress and how they should feel? It should go without saying that a basic level of decency may be expected. Yes it should, but you have a warped definition of "decency." Possessive, controlling, jealous, insecure, judgmental...that describes you in a nutshell. That's not decency at all. You're out of your mind. Ethics is not an opinion related field. There is a universal standard for ethics. Thank you for confirming that you are, indeed, out of your mind. Yeah, play that game. That wasn't the point now was it? It's not a game. I take sex and relationships very seriously, and I have every right to wait until I'm ready. A shame that the men you're dating aren't telepathic then. You're saying you can justify making out with multiple men 2 months into the dating process, while non of those guys are informed about it that you're doing that? I've said this a million times: I go exclusive long before I expect the guy to be ready for exclusivity. So no, I am not making out with multiple men 2 months into the dating process. But I expect that he will need at least 1-2 months before he's ready to be exclusive with me. Until we're exclusive, we both have the right to do whatever we want with other people. I wouldn't choose to take advantage of that, but I could and he could too. The women you're dating aren't telepathic either. They won't know that you're an overzealous control freak unless you tell them. The reason you refuse to be honest with women about your expectations is because you know they would run for the hills as soon as you said it. If you thought your expectations were reasonable, you wouldn't be afraid to say it. Good luck finding a woman who thinks you have the right to tell her how to live her life.
oaks Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 What the f*ck am I supposed to think then? That two consenting adults are enjoying each other's company. You don't have to like it, though.
LZ2000 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Honestly, I don't give a **** about this issue in my relationship. I'm flexible. And i don't take my relationships lightly at all.
Emilia Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I'm with you Nexus 100%, this thread is depressing. There was no question of being exclusive with my current SO when we started kissing, it was a given. Neither of us would think it normal to give handjobs, make out, touch others, etc, it would be cheating. Dating in the States comes across abnormal to us outsiders sometimes. Why do you have to talk about 'exclusivity' and confirm that you are not seeing other people? It should be a given from the start. Many of you are religious too yet you behave in a way that would be viewed in more secular Europe as immoral.
zengirl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I don't even know what to say. From this thread it seem almost everyone thinks like this. I feel like an alien. I don't think your ideas are so different from my experiences. I've not experienced anything where I'm making out with multiple guys and such, nor would I consider that healthy. HOWEVER, to me, that's not the same as being exclusive truly. I am only being exclusive on my end; I'm not assuming anything from his end. Unless a man has stated something or demonstrated it in some way, I'm not assuming, and here's why: I've seen people get screwed over time and time again by "assuming" they're in a relationship when they aren't, generally women, but I'm sure it happens to men too. And there's nothing worse than thinking some guy really likes you and wants to be your BF and you're sleeping with him, and then one day he says, "Well, we're not in a relationship anyway." Crushing. That's NOT going to happen to me. So, I refuse to assume exclusivity, for my own sake. You know what they say about assuming. . . But in terms of acting as you described, I probably do it pretty similarly to you. What I won't do is upfront tell a guy I'm dating multiple people, I guess, but I wouldn't hide it either, and generally, if I like a guy enough to get to anything physical, even a kiss, I'm probably not seeing anyone else any longer. Usually, the only time I'm seeing multiple people is pre-date #3, and I haven't dated a guy who kissed me on the first date in ages. By the time, I knew I was really interested in my BF, I wasn't setting up new dates, but I couldn't do that before we'd even met and been on Date #1! (Maybe you can, but I find that way too limiting, personally.) So, I had another first date the week he and I had our first date; he knows this (now), and has no problem with it. I'm not a person who hides things, but it'd never occur to me to bring that up --- it'd seem rude or showy or like I was trying to make it a competition, which it very much wasn't. At any rate, Nexus, I agree with Cypress that NOTHING goes without saying. If something is important to you, it needs saying!
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) Nexus, you're being a hypocrite. You expect her to be honest with you, but you refuse to be honest with her. Because your breed of honesty "goes without saying," while her breed of honesty must be disclosed before she goes on even one date with you. SHE would be the one fooling around with other men. She HAS to be transparent in her situation in order to prevent hurting any people she's dating. I don't have to ask a woman NOT to act like a slut (who obscures that she's fooling around with the men she is simultaneously dating), that sort of behavior is not f*cking normal or ethical. Your expectations are totally unreasonable. You expect women to read your mind and know that you have very strict codes of conduct for other people, and you expect them to adjust their behavior to fit your definition of decency. But you don't even have the guts to tell them how you feel. I would have no problem telling her that, except I SHOULDN'T have to expressively make clear to a woman that she shouldn't behave like a slut and fool around with multiple men at the same time. If you won't tell a woman that, why should she tell you if she's dating other people? Maybe she thinks it goes without saying that you're both dating other people, since you're not in a relationship and you both have the freedom to do that. Why does she have to tell you everything, while you don't have to tell her anything? Women should just automatically do what you want, right? No, women shouldn't have to do anything in my favor. I just will not date a woman who fools around with multiple men at the same time, period. I want a decent woman that acts like that by default and expects that same kind of behavior from me by default. Simple as that. In the early stages of dating, you have no right to know what that girl is doing with other people. It's none of your business. You don't own her and you can't control her. You don't get to tell her how she should be dating. She has the right to privacy. Better yet, I will not even ask that from her. She will never see me again when I find out she cheated on me while I was dating her. I've never seen such controlling behavior in my life. Do you also tell women how they should dress and how they should feel? I don't want to control anyone. I just don't want a woman that engages in slutty behavior as my girlfriend. Period. You're out of your mind. Thank you for confirming that you are, indeed, out of your mind. You and I, would NEVER work out. Because you think that being a slut is the default standard of behavior in society and you take offense by the fact that I will not date such classless and indecent women. The women you're dating aren't telepathic either. They won't know that you're an overzealous control freak unless you tell them. I don't want to control any woman. If she wants to fool around with multiple men, then that's her choice. I simply don't want to be amongst those men. The reason you refuse to be honest with women about your expectations is because you know they would run for the hills as soon as you said it. If you thought your expectations were reasonable, you wouldn't be afraid to say it. Again, I'm not at all afraid to say it. When I get a vibe from a woman where I feel the NEED to say it, then she is basically already giving out the vibe that she's fooling around with multiple men. And Like I said, I don't want to date such women. I don't care if they run for the hills...I just don't care for a woman like that to be my girlfriend. Good luck finding a woman who thinks you have the right to tell her how to live her life. For the gazillionth time, I don't tell anyone how to live their lives. If a woman wants to fool around with multiple men, then I simply don't want to date her. That's all there is to it. There's no controlling whatsoever, I'll just leave and she'll never see me again. Edited September 2, 2011 by Nexus One
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 What the f*ck am I supposed to think then? That two consenting adults are enjoying each other's company. Except when she's dating me and she didn't tell me she's dating other guys too and that she's fooling around with them, then where is my consent in the whole thing? Do I really have to catch her cheating with another man in order to find out? Nah that's not the way things work or should work...that's conning behavior, that's obscuring and lying, that's cheating, that's hurting. It's classless, indecent and unethical slutty behavior. Whether it's woman doing it or a man.
oaks Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Except when she's dating me and she didn't tell me she's dating other guys too and that she's fooling around with them, then where is my consent in the whole thing? Do I really have to catch her cheating with another man in order to find out? Nah that's not the way things work or should work...that's conning behavior, that's obscuring and lying, that's cheating, that's hurting. It's classless, indecent and unethical slutty behavior. Whether it's woman doing it or a man. I refer you to the part of my post that you didn't quote.
hotgurl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 man, now I feel like a slut. I don't have a problem doing all of it before "the talk". except anal that is always a no go. If I am digging a guy that I go for it if I feel it. I also don't have a problem with casual sex or a FWB situation. I slept with my husband on our first date.
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I refer you to the part of my post that you didn't quote. There's a difference between not liking it and involuntarily getting hurt by it.
oaks Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 There's a difference between not liking it and involuntarily getting hurt by it. Then you'll have to ask, or explain your boundaries.
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) I slept with my husband on our first date. As long he was the only guy you were fooling around with while you guys were dating, then there shouldn't be a problem (i.e. it wouldn't make you a slut). The problem is when people fool around with multiple people they're dating at the same time, while on top of that not telling any of those people about it. Either doing that or they find it justifiable or they don't even realize what they're doing. All 3 groups of people should cut the crap by lying through their teeth by omission and be honest. Then you'll have to ask, or explain your boundaries. Like I said, that would be asking her to "please NOT act like a slut". If I get to that point I already don't trust her and don't want to date her, so what's the point? I'm not afraid to take a stand against this sh*t and I'll hold my ground as long as nobody is able to break break my argumentation, which so far hasn't happened. Edited September 2, 2011 by Nexus One
oaks Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Like I said, that would be asking her to "please NOT act like a slut". If I get to that point I already don't trust her and don't want to date her, so what's the point? The point would be to ensure that you don't bump into the girl you're dating while she's making out with another guy in the park, or whatever it was. You have a dating style, it may or may not be compatible with that of the next girl you date, so you either communicate your dating style or enquire about her dating style (and either of those could be direct or indirect, with varying degrees of precision) or you take a chance. I'm sure you're capable of putting it better than "please don't act like a slut"! I'm not afraid to take a stand against this sh*t and I'll hold my ground as long as nobody is able to break break my argumentation, which so far hasn't happened. Fair enough, and I'm not going to try to argue that you're wrong. I'll argue that there are different points of view of what different people consider to be 'acceptable' behaviour while dating, that's all.
bluenightowl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I'm not afraid to take a stand against this sh*t and I'll hold my ground as long as nobody is able to break break my argumentation, which so far hasn't happened. I think there are a couple of things. Not everyone is looking for a long term relationship. If two people like casual sex (not me) and they both don't talk about it, are they both cheating on each other. Their expectation is that the other is also having casual sex. They don't need to talk about it, because like you they both assume the other is like them and if they weren't both having and expecting casual sex, one of them might end it because they don't want someone who wants a LTR. They expect a person wanting a LTR to tell them upfront. I think the big assumption is around dating itself. What is dating? Is dating purely about being with one person and leading to a LTR? However, I do think you have a good point about expectations. If I was dating someone who knowingly knew that I wanted a LTR from the start and they were only interested in casual sex, I do think there is problem and someone could get hurt. Its happened to me. I don't trust people enough to be upfront with me anymore, so I would talk about it and then next them if need be. Its interesting though that many people think asking too soon if they are dating anyone else is a big sign of desperation. I think you made a good case that its more about mutual dating styles than desperation. A desperate person might ask, and then take what they can get. A non-desperate person would just say thank you and move on, sorry our styles are different.
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) The point would be to ensure that you don't bump into the girl you're dating while she's making out with another guy in the park, or whatever it was. You have a dating style, it may or may not be compatible with that of the next girl you date, so you either communicate your dating style or enquire about her dating style (and either of those could be direct or indirect, with varying degrees of precision) or you take a chance. I'm sure you're capable of putting it better than "please don't act like a slut"! It's quite possible that today's society will force me to ask such a ridiculous type of question in order to protect myself. I'm very very disappointed that things have declined to this level. I.e. where being a slut is the default "style" of dating and where decent people need to f*cking beg other people to be ethical, considerate and decent. The whole situation is ridiculous in my opinion. I think there are a couple of things. Not everyone is looking for a long term relationship. If two people like casual sex (not me) and they both don't talk about it, are they both cheating on each other. Their expectation is that the other is also having casual sex. They don't need to talk about it, because like you they both assume the other is like them and if they weren't both having and expecting casual sex, one of them might end it because they don't want someone who wants a LTR. They expect a person wanting a LTR to tell them upfront. A woman would know pretty quickly what I'd want, I'd put that on the table as quickly as is appropriate. So my date would know where I stand. I know of course there are more types of relationships possible. Edited September 2, 2011 by Nexus One
zengirl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Nexus, I think it's better if EVERYONE is just open and honest about what they want, as soon as they know it. Seeing different dating styles as a "decline" doesn't sit well with me even though you and I likely have pretty similar dating styles, I think (we both approach them looking for LTRs and so forth). I think choice and freedom to go after your individual bliss -- general you -- is a great thing and not at all a "decline." But we all need to seek to be as honest as possible (those of us who are good people) since everyone isn't the same or wanting the same thing!
bluenightowl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 A woman would know pretty quickly what I'd want, I'd put that on the table as quickly as is appropriate. So my date would know where I stand. I know of course there are more types of relationships possible. Perfect. So then no one get hurt unless he/she lies, but that's a whole other issue.
Recommended Posts