rafallus Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 (edited) Responses in other thread (about exclusivity and sex) got me thinking. I'm not American, so maybe it's a cultural thing though. Therefore I'll make a poll. Question is: How much physical contact are you fine with before having explicitly established exclusivity with a partner? I'll sort kinds of physical contact by decreasing intimacy (if you consider some positions swapped, say, treat oral as more intimate than vaginal sex or hand holding more intimate than cuddling, feel free to point it out): 1. Sex (vaginal penetration) 2. Sex (oral/anal, no vaginal penetration) 3. Heavy petting (direct genital touching/handjobs included) 4. Light petting (no direct genital touching) 5. Making out 6. Cuddling + some light kissing/pecks here and there. 7. Hand holding. 8. Hugs. 9. No touching at all, till we are exclusive, dammit! In answer, tell, where do you draw the line, and, if possible, why specifically there and not earlier/later? Edited September 1, 2011 by rafallus
Star Gazer Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I draw the line at 3, because anything after that subjects me to risk of STDs and also because I know I'll get attached.
oaks Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 What's the difference between 4 and 5? Also, I think there's a difference between, say, making out in the park and making out in the bedroom. And I know I haven't answered the question. Still thinking about it.
LoveandSuch Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 3! Can still be, Oh So Gooooooood:)))))
LoveandSuch Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 For me, exclusive is not neccessarily important, as in being in sync with one another, trust, friendship, understanding....not paper, words of BF, GF, Exclusive..
zengirl Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I guess I draw the line at 4. But that's also because unless I'm ready to have sex, I'm not ready for handjobs or blowjobs or anything of the like.
carhill Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 How much physical contact are you fine with before having explicitly established exclusivity with a partner? Everything but genital contact.
grkBoy Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I'm fine with all of it, but even then I'll get an idea of what the woman wants before that point. If I'm not looking for serious and I can see she is, then I won't go all the way. Maybe it's easier for me because I really only looked for long-term women in my life, so the fear of the clingy girl whom I just wanted some fun with never happened. I did once have a friend who wanted me to be her FWB...but I declined. I just saw it as she was the clingy type, really wanted more out of me than just sex, and thus I knew I was heading down a bad road if I opened that door. I kept things as friends only...thankfully she found the love of her life and is happy.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 #4. If it gets to #3 and they are good at it...it's going all the way to #1... not stopping there. So, I know my limits
Cee Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I would go with 3 as well. Things get muddy with an FWB arrangement. I have found them to be ultimately intolerable, so I guess I'll stick with 3.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 ... and you asked for why... Inside, I'm really a 'slut', have a pretty high libido, and could easily agree to shagging half the men in town without feeling much guilt about it. Except for the men who actually do get attached with sex. I've hurt men that way in the past. I'm not happy about that... I was young, foolish, and assumed all men wanted was sex. It isn't true. Plus there are STD's and getting tested all the time would be a real drag. So are using condoms the rest of my life. I'm really one who is happiest in a LTR, and I feel waiting has the best outcome. So yea... it has to be #4. Ideally with some agreement from the man that he too prefers to wait a bit.
Cypress25 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I'll go all the way up to #3, depending on how long we've been dating (not on the first date). #1 and #2 are reserved for exclusive relationships, although I would prefer to avoid #2 entirely. Why? Because I respect my own boundaries. If something makes me uncomfortable, then I won't do it. I'm not comfortable with oral/anal sex under any circumstances. And I'm not comfortable with sex outside of a committed relationship.
Pierre Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I draw the line at 3, because anything after that subjects me to risk of STDs and also because I know I'll get attached. I thought you get attached after playing video games with a guy so that is very wise of you.
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) Apparently I draw the line before any of you. What the f*ck is wrong with you people? Imagine this scenario. Girl and I are dating, then one day I walk into a restaurant and see her making out with another guy. What the f*ck am I supposed to think then? Or what about this. Girl and I are dating. One day I go running through a park and see her walking hand in hand like a couple with another guy. What the f*ck am I supposed to think then? Or what about this one. Girl and I are dating and I see her stroking the crotch of another guy or worse, giving him a hand job. What makes you think you can pull something like that on someone you're dating? What f*cking planet are you people living on? Edited September 2, 2011 by Nexus One
Cypress25 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 What makes you think you can pull something like that on someone you're dating? What f*cking planet are you people living on? What are you talking about? I don't do anything on that list with multiple guys simultaneously. Just because we're not in an exclusive relationship yet doesn't mean I'm fooling around with other guys. It just means we're not officially boyfriend/girlfriend yet.
zengirl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Apparently I draw the line before any of you. What the f*ck is wrong with you people? Imagine this scenario. Girl and I are dating, then one day I walk into a restaurant and see her making out with another guy. What the f*ck am I supposed to think then? Or what about this. Girl and I are dating. One day I go running through a park and see her walking hand in hand like a couple with another guy. What the f*ck am I supposed to think then? Or what about this one. Girl and I are dating and I see her stroking the crotch of another guy or worse, giving him a hand job. What makes you think you can pull something like that on someone you're dating? What f*cking planet are you people living on? I thought this was before you really knew/discussed exclusivity, not before you decided on it for yourself. I don't make out with a guy while dating other guys, but I don't make sure I "confirm" exclusivity beforehand. If I knew he was randomly making out with other people, I probably wouldn't, but I don't actually address it in any way, even a small way. I think the first step in exclusivity is actually just stopping seeing other people of your own accord. I always do that way before it ever comes up. And I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone else who didn't do that --- stop seeing others of their own accord. If I have to "lock someone down" to make them stop seeing others, I find that weird. It should be a natural progression. But I thought the question was when do you want to have the discussion or knowledge of exclusivity by (formal or informal).
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Either I interpreted the word 'exclusive' differently in this thread from others or people here got hit in the head by a heavy object. I'm fairly sure that if I ran into any of the situations I described, then I'd be done right then and there on the spot with that person.
Cypress25 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I think the first step in exclusivity is actually just stopping seeing other people of your own accord. I always do that way before it ever comes up. And I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone else who didn't do that --- stop seeing others of their own accord. If I have to "lock someone down" to make them stop seeing others, I find that weird. It should be a natural progression. Exactly. I don't continue dating multiple guys until one of them asks me not to. When I find a guy I really like, I stop dating other guys because I have no interest in other guys. I much prefer to date one person at a time. It may be too early to declare ourselves an official couple, but I've already chosen to stop dating others. I just don't insist that he make that decision at the same time. By the time he asks for exclusivity, I've already been exclusive for awhile. He just didn't know it. That's why I keep sex out of it until we're official. I wouldn't want to have sex with a guy who might be dating other people still.
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 That's why I keep sex out of it until we're official. I wouldn't want to have sex with a guy who might be dating other people still. So penetration is a step too far for you, but jerking his d*ck is not? I don't even know what to say to that. How about people start acting like adults and openly discuss whether they're dating other people or not, that way you don't cheat on any of them by giving out hand jobs to multiple guys.
zengirl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Either I interpreted the word 'exclusive' differently in this thread from others or people here got hit in the head by a heavy object. I'm fairly sure that if I ran into any of the situations I described, then I'd be done right then and there on the spot with that person. I understand that, Nexus. The question is do you establish exclusivity to the other person (either formally via a Talk or informally via jokes/references/whatever) before going to any of those steps?
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I understand that, Nexus. The question is do you establish exclusivity to the other person (either formally via a Talk or informally via jokes/references/whatever) before going to any of those steps? I thought the term "going official" was used for that. I always thought that exclusivity was used to express that you will be dating the other person exclusively, i.e. excluding others. I'm not quite sure I misunderstood the people in this thread here ZG.
zengirl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I thought the term "going official" was used for that. I always thought that exclusivity was used to express that you will be dating the other person exclusively, i.e. excluding others. I'm not quite sure I misunderstood the people in this thread here ZG. Maybe I did then. To me, being official and being exclusive (in terms of KNOWING about it) are one in the same. I may choose, as I said, to be exclusive prior, but I have no knowledge that the other person has chosen the same until we have some idea we are official. Now, all of that is different from being Facebook official.
Cypress25 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 So penetration is a step too far for you, but jerking his d*ck is not? I don't even know what to say to that. How about people start acting like adults and openly discuss whether they're dating other people or not, that way you don't cheat on any of them by giving out hand jobs to multiple guys. LOL, I don't give hand jobs to multiple guys. Like I said, by the time it gets to that point, I've already stopped dating other people. I just don't say anything about it because it's too early to demand exclusivity from him. If I've given him a hand job and then I find out he's still dating other people, I wouldn't be heartbroken. But if I have sex with him and then I find out he's still dating other people, I would be heartbroken. So I'll give hand jobs before we discuss exclusivity, but I won't have sex before we discuss exclusivity. I know I'm not giving hand jobs to anyone else; if he wants to know, he can ask me. I go exclusive long before we discuss exclusivity. I don't plan it that way, it just happens because I'm a decisive person and if I like a guy, then I have no desire to fool around with other guys. But I also understand that not everyone is as decisive as I am and I respect that. I might decide after 4 dates that I don't want to date anyone else. But I'm not going to make him decide after just 4 dates! And yes, penetrative sex is a much bigger step than a hand job. I might feel comfortable giving a guy a hand job after 4 or 5 dates, but I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with him until we've been in a committed relationship for several months. That makes sense to me. If you don't want your girl to date anyone else, then ask her to be exclusive with you. If you don't ask for what you want, you have no right to be upset when you don't get it. She's not cheating on you if you haven't made it clear that you're both monogamous.
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 If you don't want your girl to date anyone else, then ask her to be exclusive with you. If you don't ask for what you want, you have no right to be upset when you don't get it. She's not cheating on you if you haven't made it clear that you're both monogamous. You have your argumentation screwed up, seriously. Scenario: We're dating each other. You go out with another guy to a restaurant and make out with him there. I walk into the restaurant due to having a business related appointment. I see you making out with the guy. The only thing that that would result in is that we're done. I'd consider it cheating. An the reason for that is that apparently you were willing to risk me by making out with another guy. If you wouldn't be into me enough, I'd expect you to tell me that before I emotionally invest into you and before you fool around with another guy. If you were into me, then I'd expect you to have the respect for me to not fool around with other guys while were dating, whether you're multi-dating or not. In my opinion people should either compartmentalize their dating endeavors. I.e. you date people in serial, one by one, but not at the same time and in the time you date the person you test for compatibility. OR you multi-date and be completely open about it to all the people you're dating, i.e. you tell everyone that you're dating multiple people at the same time. AND you don't fool around with any of the people you date, so you don't go around making out with everyone or giving hand jobs to the people you're dating. You keep it formal until you've connected with someone, then tell the rest there wasn't (enough) chemistry. How f*cking hard is that? It's not. But, that's not what this is about is it? This is about people fooling around with multiple people at the same time, because they either can't control themselves or have little sense for ethics or just don't feel like behaving in a decent way. Seems to me like a lot of people seem no different than players. The only difference seems to be the penetration. F*cking ridiculous argumentation, it really holds no ground in my opinion.
bluenightowl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Apparently I draw the line before any of you. What the f*ck is wrong with you people? Imagine this scenario. Girl and I are dating, then one day I walk into a restaurant and see her making out with another guy. What the f*ck am I supposed to think then? Or what about this. Girl and I are dating. One day I go running through a park and see her walking hand in hand like a couple with another guy. What the f*ck am I supposed to think then? Or what about this one. Girl and I are dating and I see her stroking the crotch of another guy or worse, giving him a hand job. What makes you think you can pull something like that on someone you're dating? What f*cking planet are you people living on? I see your point completely and its well expressed. This is exactly why some people in this forum only want to date one person at one time and can't stand multi-dating to any degree and any form of sexual expression until you know you are both exclusive. I think a lot of people stop dating other people fairly quickly 3-4 dates so if the above scenarios happen, its likely early in the game and before you really have gotten to know that person very well. Personally after 1 date and I saw a girl making out with someone else, I'm not sure I'd have invested very much into her at that point or even care that much. If it for some reason really bothered me, I'd just move on.
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