visualbasicide Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I see alot of posts on no contact, betrayal, pain, anger, what should I do's, all very good advice in them too, but am I the only one around thinking "count of monte cristo?" It's not so much my desire to see someone else suffer like I have, it's more of "I want them to understand what they did" or maybe it's just justice, or want of some karma. This whole event has affected me and a particularly negative fashion, very much unlike my old self, but I am also no longer living my old life either, so I am no longer the same person in many respects. The pain of it all I can handle, I faced the darkest time of my life and I am still here, and so is everyone else, so I think that even though I'm trying to make a mosaic out of the shattered stained glass of my previous view of life as I knew it. Still hurts, though, I am on the road to recovery. However, going from wishing anyone and everyone the best to wanting some kind of retribution most of the time sheds some doubt on the long term effect this might have had on my life. Anger is too simplistic and general a term for what I am feeling. I am totally NC, have no desire for it either. Have setup short and long term goals on what I want out of life to be happy about me, all well and good. So why all the negativity still? Normal? What a chameleon word that is. I don't know. Too much happened in a very short time frame. From my perspective 5 years was gone in a month's time, spouse, home, friends, all of her family, some of mine, step-daughter, pets, lifestyle, self image, self esteem, self worth, all gone. Replace by someone else in an instant without so much as a hiccup in the ex's daily life. Rationally, if it can be called that, I understand it all perfectly. I understand the definition, if not the motives, of betrayal and selfishness. Ignorance is bliss and unfortunately for me I'm too intelligent not to see the truth of it all and I have made good personal progress in a lot of areas but still this felling persists. Usually right before I sleep, I'm calm, wish everyone the best and call it a night, not so when I wake up. Rinse, repeat. Neither of us had to face the other, we simply weren't there one day, though I had no choice in the matter. Just wondering if anyone else has had this tagging along with them? Thanks for the great community people.
waliz Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 1. Your paragraph about the 5 years being ripped away is exactly my sentiment. 2. I think about revenge every day. I'm the one moving. I'm the one that has to do change of addresses on magazines, banks, friends, etc. I'm the one packing up my life into boxes. I'm the one with all the pain. I'm the one that will suffer into the future. I'm the one with moving expenses. I'm the one that took sick days because I couldn't quit crying. I'm the one that is taking vacation days to move. I'm the one taking off in the middle of the day to see a counselor. He's the one telling lies about what happened so he looks like the good guy-his "story" doesn't include any mention of "her". 3. I don't know if it is revenge (such a dirty word), I want justice and to be made whole. He feels he's been fair by paying some of the expenses, but it still isn't enough. 4. Ironically, there are some papers he needs me to sign. I may need to think for a long time and have them reviewed by an attorney (who won't be cheap or quick). 5. Here's my dilemma: If I extract more money out of him (which I can) it will truly severe our relationship. Apparently, my reluctance to do this is, on some level, due to my fantasy that we could get back together and I don't want to close the door on this. In reality, playing nice will get me nothing. Breadcrumbs.
Author visualbasicide Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 The only way I would even remotely consider your last statement, in a heavily inebriated state, would be to see them make the same fall to rock bottom I did and build themselves back up without all the pity support of cowards and backstabbers, like I have had to do. Since I know this is so far from the realm of reality that cartoons wouldn't even consider this a possibility, I digress.
Author visualbasicide Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 ok, so that might be my cynicism acting up again. Bottom line is how else would I believe a serious change in them would be genuine? Based on all the lies, half truths, deflected questions, and silence I have been handed, where else could trust actually start to build. I have on one hand, my total belief (at the time) that this person would follow me to the end of the earth, loyal, selfless, loving, caring, compassionate, smart, etc. And on the other hand I have the truth.
Nohbody Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 'Perish the universe, provided I have my revenge.'
ScienceGal Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Any revenge would be brought on by the fact that you still deeply care and the closely related love/hate wires are crossing, sparking and causing you much grief. Nothing will help you avoid going through the BS that you're going through because of your ex. Any joy you get from revenge will be short-lived. In the beginning, just smiling and acting happy is the best revenge. In the long run though, forgiveness and moving on.
antinko Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Unfortunately, revenge leads to the dark side... And as you should know, the dark side is a bad place to be: it's terrible for the skin. Seriously, though, revenge will only make you feel worse. There's a reason why there are so many cliche ridden morality tales about revenge and why it's a bad thing: it's because it's a bad thing. Don't do it. Rise above your grief and focus on healing, not hurting others.
sleepykitten Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 While I wouldnt want to actively go out and do something revengeful to my ex I can totaly understand the op's sentiments in that I would rather see my ex miserable and feeling regret than parading around with his new girlfriend, and generally having a wonderful time. I do feel he treated me badly and I didnt deserve it and while I dont want to be in a prison of self righteous resentment as I know you have to forgive in order to move on I cant yet say "oh I wish him all the happiness in the world".And honestly-will I ever?
Diatribes Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I'm more inclined to side with the op. The hell with wishing someone "the best", especially if they screwed you over. I am a cynic myself, though. Revenge may provide short-lived joy, but any joy would be welcomed. As long as you can do it within your moral and legal bounds, revenge away..
311 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Rage can be harnessed and used as a tool. Rage is what has driven me to success. Yes sir, I road that rage wagon for as long as it would carry me. And still to this day I still have some that I can call up when I need to get motivated. I started out self loathing, depressed. I didn't know who I was anymore either. But it is true what they say: the best revenge is happiness. But what is happiness? So, what did I do? I used my anger to build myself back up physically. I lifted weights a lot. I got a good solid physique. That was step one. Then I went after a solid career. I went after success. I used my anger as a drive to achieve my goals, and it worked for me. I found a better girlfriend/spouse. She is better in every way. She has a spine, she is strong physically and emotionally and mentally. Anytime I saw adversity I just thought of my ex and got more angry and conquered. Being better than her should be easy for you. These types of people are always spineless and weak. They take advantage of the strong and try to make you weak like them. Today am I over it? No. I don't think that will ever happen. But I have used that pain as a motivation to be a better more successful person and that has been a benefit for me. I would advise you to do the same.
311 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Oh yeah, and screw wishing them the best. I don't wish her the best. I have spent years becoming what I am now, so that someday when she looks me up she will realize that she screwed up. Not to have her back....no no....just to get my revenge. Have you ever heard the Johnny Cash song "Cry, Cry, Cry." Listen to that and you will understand. I'm getting married to a beautiful successful women very soon. That's Karma.
Author visualbasicide Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 lol. now that's what I'm talking about. The hurt is constant so it's become my new normal and have used the rage to hammer out my goals, for me, myself and I. I'm totally removed from my old life, don't talk to the same people, don't even live in the same state so it's not as if I can run and do anything detrimental to anyone, by design actually. Glad to hear someone turned it into something useful. Pretty much I'm trying the same method and just wondered if anyone else knew what I was talking about.
ConfusedT Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 im a firm believer in karma- what you give out to the universe will come back, good or bad. i know revenge sounds so sweet, but in the end, what are you really gaining? you are hurting them and you are hurting yourself because you still love them or you wouldn't want revenge in the first place. idk. bad things happen to good people to teach them strength and endurance and good things will eventually happen as well, but i dont think getting revenge on someone will help good things come to you. everything is cyclical- they will get theirs, i promise you that! but you shouldn't put any energy towards the negatives, make things better for yourself and move on. let em go, they werent worth it anyways!!
Bito Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I know exactly what you are taking about. I want her to experience the pain I felt and still feel sometimes. I am very jaded and experience mood swings everyday still. The feeling of being betrayed by someone you love is unbearable. I want to use my pain to become a better person. I want her to fully regret what she did. I want justice...
Author visualbasicide Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 oh don't get me wrong here, if I acted on any of this I would become the very thing I claim to hate, so it would destroy my own core values in the process, which I will just not do. It's what separates us from the animals....our ex's.
Author visualbasicide Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 Yesterday upon the stair, I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today, Oh how I wish he'd go away -William Hughes Mearns http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M5dSvg8GUU I suppose everyone on the planet has to face similar situations in greater or less degree and what we do when confronted with them helps to shape us into what we will become. Just like everything else, this journey of self discovery has it's good and bad and what we do makes us what we are. Personally it's just a new experience and a quality I don't care much for but that being said it doesn't make it any less real and it doesn't make it go away either. Patience is a virtue I have learned over a long period of time so I suppose I'll just get more practice at it now. Thanks for the replies people. Good stuff.
lovesickmonkey Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I'm going through this everyday. Every morning I wake up and I imagine here sitting in front of me as I lecture her about what she did to me, how wrong it was, and I ask her what made her so angry that she would hurt me so much. Leaving me? No, that's not what you did that hurt ... it was the way you did it. You had a choice and you chose to burn me alive and walk away. Every morning and throughout the day, I rehearse what I would say to her, should she decide to call me up. She won't because she (as someone said above) has no spine. She's an emotional pre-teen. But I still rehearse what I'll say and it's maddening. I know I could train myself to stop this nonsense but something makes me want to continue. I want justice. I want to say something just as hurtful (but what could I possibly say that would hurt her?). So, visualbasicide ... to answer your question ... YES. None of us will get justice, but we do want it. In order for them to suffer as much as we did, they would have to be deeply, madly, in love with us and, alas, they were not.
ScienceGal Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I'm going through this everyday. Every morning I wake up and I imagine here sitting in front of me as I lecture her about what she did to me, how wrong it was, and I ask her what made her so angry that she would hurt me so much. Leaving me? No, that's not what you did that hurt ... it was the way you did it. You had a choice and you chose to burn me alive and walk away. Every morning and throughout the day, I rehearse what I would say to her, should she decide to call me up. She won't because she (as someone said above) has no spine. She's an emotional pre-teen. But I still rehearse what I'll say and it's maddening. I know I could train myself to stop this nonsense but something makes me want to continue. I want justice. I want to say something just as hurtful (but what could I possibly say that would hurt her?). So, visualbasicide ... to answer your question ... YES. None of us will get justice, but we do want it. In order for them to suffer as much as we did, they would have to be deeply, madly, in love with us and, alas, they were not. I spend A LOT of time daydreaming about that very conversation. But, I don't think he'd ever really get it, just as he didn't before. If he ever does call, I hope I don't even care enough to have such a talk with him.
Author visualbasicide Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 Oh I don't want it to be about me, I want it to be about something she actually cares about. lol. If she cared at all about my personal pain, she would have put me down like a lame horse. Then again, in that analogy, she would have to care about the horse to put it down vs leaving it, so it doesn't really apply. I would much rather it be something more current even's and close to home in the attic of the mind. Karma kicking her in the ass would be justice, me actively seeking justice by my own means would be revenge and I don't want it ever said that I was the cause of whatever consequences she will eventually face would have been my doing. I know what you mean about what you would say to them. Use a journal, it helps. Reading the stuff I put in it these days vs when I started it shows how much progress I have actually made by comparison. Good stuff.
jackmortin Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Here's my dilemma: If I extract more money out of him it will truly extreme our relationship. Apparently, my reluctance to do this is, on some level, due to my fantasy that they could get back together and I don't need to close the door on this. In point of fact, playing lovely will get me nothing. Breadcrumbs.
Thieves Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 You cannot control karma. You cannot direct karma where you want it to go. It's a natural force/energy of life. It just happens on its own. So you can wish bad karma all you want on your ex, but know that... by doing so, you're also wishing bad karma on yourself as well. For wishing it on her. It doesn't just work one way. However, I do understand. I'm not asking you to forgive her right away, or wish her all the good luck and good karma in the world, but try to work towards a state of indifference if anything. Not the easiest thing in the world, but tons better than wasting precious "positive" energy on wishing negative karma to someone else. Journaling is good, like you said, and helps you track any progress... no matter how little. I'm stuck in the boat of 'Almost maybe over him but not quite because something's missing'. I don't know what exactly is missing. I think it's more that I just want him to realize how much pain, anguish, and mental torture I went through over him, not actually go through what I have. I want to him to acknowledge it to me head on, and not act cluelessly as if it didn't happen, you know?
lovesickmonkey Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I don't know what exactly is missing. I think it's more that I just want him to realize how much pain, anguish, and mental torture I went through over him, not actually go through what I have. I want to him to acknowledge it to me head on, and not act cluelessly as if it didn't happen, you know? Yes ... I know. The yearning for this acknowledgement is maddening. It won't come. But as part of all this grief I'm going through, I've realized that in the past I have put women through what I'm going through. I have reconnected with one of them and we're friends. I finally told her that I recognized what I put her through and I asked her to forgive me. It took 17 years for me to apologize! A bit late.
fiat500 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I know where you're coming from. I catch myself sometimes thinking about a 'you can't fathom the depth of how much you hurt me' talk and laugh at myself and feel ashamed. It's a ridiculous thought that will never bring them around again. They wouldn't care about how much they hurt you really. In the end it's just a selfish conversation you're having with yourself. If you were in their shoes, you most likely wouldn't give a sh*t if you broke the heart of someone you didn't love. You'd listen to this person cry and go on about how much you hurt them and you'd shrug and feel sorry for them. But not feel bad. Yes, there are respectful and dignified ways of letting people go but when you're not emotionally mature yet you're going to leave a lot of broken hearts in your wake. It takes a really long time for people to realize the anguish they put others through if they realize it at all. And going as far as to apologize and make amends with the other person is extremely rare because it takes more guts than running out into a hail of bullets.
fiat500 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Lol. My ex declared that he wished he never dated me and shut the door in my face on a cold night while I was crying as his final goodbye. I sure f##king wish he would some day understand the devastating pain I felt at that moment and the months following. But it just doesn't happen like that. It drives me crazy that after 10 months I'm still trying to forgive him but the pain is still fresh.
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