Changes after marriage

[TigerCub]

I'm posting this in the dating section because I actually want to see what the daters are thinking.

 

As a somewhat cynic when it comes to relationships, I don't know if I do want marriage ever.

 

But its common that a lot of guys think that women will change after marriage:

- Stop wanting sex

- Gain weight

- Nag more

- Want babies right away...

 

 

And women might think that guys will

- Stop being sweet or romantic

 

Cheating is a fear I think that happens on both sides.

 

But my question is - if we fear those things, does that mean that we think the person was faking who they are and what they like until they got what they wanted?

 

Or is it just something that happens with time?

But if that's true, why do some of these changes seem to happen within months of marriage?

 

I'm basing this on some stories I've read/heard, and just a general sense I get from guys mainly that talk about how women change after marriage.

 

So what is it that makes people change after marriage?

Or is it that our perspective/expectation is off?

 

Thanks

[OpenBook]

Being single is hard work! Love is elusive and fragile. What often happens (IMO) is once you find your mate and marry them, you mistakenly assume you've finally got love locked down and you don't have to try so hard anymore. This happens to both men and women. Not to all, but often enough to be a common pitfall in getting married.

 

Just my 2c based on my experience and observations.

[TigerCub]

Being single is hard work! Love is elusive and fragile. What often happens (IMO) is once you find your mate and marry them, you mistakenly assume you've finally got love locked down and you don't have to try so hard anymore. This happens to both men and women. Not to all, but often enough to be a common pitfall in getting married.

 

Just my 2c based on my experience and observations.

 

I see what you're saying.

So its not that they were fake before marriage, its just that they put in more effort - then felt secure & no longer needed to as much.

 

I can see how that explains the slowing down of romance, or even the weight gain, but what about the desire for sex?

 

I just honestly can't imagine, getting married, and then suddenly oh no, I no longer love sex, but we hear a lot about women who suddenly aren't into it anymore - I just don't get that aspect.

[Cee]

All I know is that my parents were getting busy throughout their 22-year marriage (until he got terminal cancer). When I was a kid, the entire family took naps in their bedrooms every afternoon. It wasn't until I was adult, that I realized my parents weren't sleeping in there. My sister and I found Trojans in the dresser drawer and had no idea what they were. My parents talked like prudes when it came to sex, but clearly they didn't act that way in private.

 

When I was 16, I overhead my parents having sex while on a family vacation. I was horrified, but in retrospect, I should have been relieved.

 

I think the answer is: YMMV. If sex is important to you now, it will remain important.

[TigerCub]

All I know is that my parents were getting busy throughout their 22-year marriage (until he got terminal cancer). When I was a kid, the entire family took naps in their bedrooms every afternoon. It wasn't until I was adult, that I realized my parents weren't sleeping in there. My sister and I found Trojans in the dresser drawer and had no idea what they were. My parents talked like prudes when it came to sex, but clearly they didn't act that way in private.

 

When I was 16, I overhead my parents having sex while on a family vacation. I was horrified, but in retrospect, I should have been relieved.

 

I think the answer is: YMMV. If sex is important to you now, it will remain important.

 

Thanks Cee.

I'm sorry about your dad.

I really like hearing encouraging stories like that of your parents though. However awkward they were for you They are somewhat reassuring to the rest of us

[East7]

But its common that a lot of guys think that women will change after marriage:

- Stop wanting sex

- Gain weight

- Nag more

- Want babies right away...

 

It depends, not always true. From people/girfriends what I have heard is:

 

Sex - Not all stop. Some women have a good sex drive but it is an illusion to think it will be crazy and wild like before. Many women loose interest in sex after having babies. So do men with their wives because they see them more than mothers than wives. Babies change a LOT of things in a relationship.

 

Also it depends on the age, women between 20-35 have a good sex drive, generally it slows down after 35.

 

Weight - this also depends. Some never get fat even after having babies.

 

Nagging - yes...

 

Want babies right away : not true at all.

 

And women might think that guys will

- Stop being sweet or romantic

 

That's often true. Lots of men take their women for granted or think that if they are good provider their woman "should" be happy

 

Cheating is a fear I think that happens on both sides.

 

But my question is - if we fear those things, does that mean that we think the person was faking who they are and what they like until they got what they wanted?

 

Or is it just something that happens with time?

But if that's true, why do some of these changes seem to happen within months of marriage?

 

I'm basing this on some stories I've read/heard, and just a general sense I get from guys mainly that talk about how women change after marriage.

 

So what is it that makes people change after marriage?

Or is it that our perspective/expectation is off?

 

Thanks

 

 

I had moved for 1.5yr with an xGF. Yes.., things slow down but the relationship is not less interesting. It depends on how both want to make things together.

 

The relationship dies when one or both stop doing things together or there is less communication and attention to each-other needs.

 

Sometimes feelings just fade away, you just don't feel it anymore. Why, I don't know..it depends on many variables. People become like roommates and feel empty. That's when the most often cheating happens.

 

Also the passion and the flame doesn't last forever, especially after the 2nd year. But if the relationship is healthy it becomes a consistent, quiet and conscious kind of love.

 

You never know how a relationship grows through years. Only time can tell. Some marriages are miserable, some are very happy. You can't know until you go there

 

One thing is for sure, people shouldn't marry just because it seems "the right thing" .

[TigerCub]

It depends, not always true. From people/girfriends what I have heard is:

 

Sex - Not all stop. Some women have a good sex drive but it is an illusion to think it will be crazy and wild like before. Many women loose interest in sex after having babies. So do men with their wives because they see them more than mothers than wives. Babies change a LOT of things in a relationship.

 

Also it depends on the age, women between 20-35 have a good sex drive, generally it slows down after 35.

 

Weight - this also depends. Some never get fat even after having babies.

 

Nagging - yes...

 

Want babies right away : not true at all.

 

 

 

That's often true. Lots of men take their women for granted or think that if they are good provider their woman "should" be happy

 

 

 

I had moved for 1.5yr with an xGF. Yes.., things slow down but the relationship is not less interesting. It depends on how both want to make things together.

 

The relationship dies when one or both stop doing things together or there is less communication and attention to each-other needs.

 

Sometimes feelings just fade away, you just don't feel it anymore. Why, I don't know..it depends on many variables. People become like roommates and feel empty. That's when the most often cheating happens.

 

Also the passion and the flame doesn't last forever, especially after the 2nd year. But if the relationship is healthy it becomes a consistent, quiet and conscious kind of love.

 

You never know how a relationship grows through years. Only time can tell. Some marriages are miserable, some are very happy. You can't know until you go there

 

One thing is for sure, people shouldn't marry just because it seems "the right thing" .

 

Thanks East

 

I completely agree with the part in bold.

 

So considering that you seem to have an understanding of how things go, would you say that you're not one that fears marriage?

[xxoo]

I hope you don't mind a married perspective

 

Change is to be expected, and should not be assumed to be always negative. Thank goodness my H and I are not exactly the people we were when we married.

 

Negative changes, as you listed, can be normal parts of adjusting to a big change (having a baby, increased responsibilities). These might be the "ups and downs" that people talk about over the course of a long marriage. But, with patience and support, they are often only temporary, and better times return.

 

With a very negative response, however, a partner could affect the course of the "dip" and it could become a more permanent "down".

 

Take sex, for instance. With any long married, sexually active couple, there will likely be a period of lower sexual activity in their past (maybe when kids were small). They got through it, and got their groove back. Others never do. Whether they do or do not is often not the fault of one party--but how both handled the initial "dip".

[Woggle]

Marriage is what the two people married make it. I think that the women who do change are the ones who just wanted to get a man to the alter and put on a fake act to achieve it. Women who genuinely marry for love don't change much except for the growing that everybody does with age.

[East7]

Thanks East

 

So considering that you seem to have an understanding of how things go, would you say that you're not one that fears marriage?

 

I don't fear it at all, I want a pretty bride

 

All you need is to be sure that's the person you want to have in your life.

 

Like this

[Woggle]

I don't fear cheating but I do fear being cheated on.

[FitChick]

My married friends complain that their husbands don't want and/or can't have sex. Too tired. The husbands have also gained weight.

[April72]

i have been married and divorced twice. life happens. I think the biggest issue is people think if they are in love it's enough. Marriage is work. And if both people don't continue to make a genuine effort toward themselves and each other it doesn't work. I could write a small novel elaborating on this. But the bottomline is the stress of life, bills, kids, family everything happens. Two people have to make an effort to keep the love alive. Both people one can't carry it.

[make me believe]

Marriage is what the two people married make it. I think that the women who do change are the ones who just wanted to get a man to the alter and put on a fake act to achieve it. Women who genuinely marry for love don't change much except for the growing that everybody does with age.

 

Agreed, but I would change women to people. Some men become lazy and irresponsible after they get married because they think of their wife as a mother figure now and expect her to do all of the cleaning, bill paying, and general house/family stuff.

 

SOME changes are normal and to be expected. But gaining a bunch of weight, no longer wanting sex, becoming lazy, etc, is not ok. I don't think that most people fear that their partner specifically will change, because why would you marry someone if you genuinely thought they would turn into a different person after marriage? Most people seem to be pretty blind-sided by the changes.

[TigerCub]

I hope you don't mind a married perspective

 

Change is to be expected, and should not be assumed to be always negative. Thank goodness my H and I are not exactly the people we were when we married.

 

Negative changes, as you listed, can be normal parts of adjusting to a big change (having a baby, increased responsibilities). These might be the "ups and downs" that people talk about over the course of a long marriage. But, with patience and support, they are often only temporary, and better times return.

 

With a very negative response, however, a partner could affect the course of the "dip" and it could become a more permanent "down".

 

Take sex, for instance. With any long married, sexually active couple, there will likely be a period of lower sexual activity in their past (maybe when kids were small). They got through it, and got their groove back. Others never do. Whether they do or do not is often not the fault of one party--but how both handled the initial "dip".

 

The married perspective is always appreciated

 

Thanks for breaking it down and telling me what you honestly think.

 

I think that you're endorsing a more realistic take on it, and that I think is hopeful and helpful.

 

I don't know why, maybe its all the bad stories I hear, but although I don't understand the drastic and sudden changes, I fear the idea of marriage because of that - although, the way you explain it, it doesn't seem so realistic.

 

Thanks for the hopeful post

[TigerCub]

Marriage is what the two people married make it. I think that the women who do change are the ones who just wanted to get a man to the alter and put on a fake act to achieve it. Women who genuinely marry for love don't change much except for the growing that everybody does with age.

 

Thanks Woggle.

Yeah in that case, I guess people like that would fall into the "faking it" catagory - pretending to be & like certain things UNTIL marriage.

 

I dunno, I've always said I'd rather be happy than married.

 

And that doesn't mean that being married doesn't = happiness, but to me marriage is no longer a goal (as it was when I was 22) . Now I'd rather just be happy with whoever I'm with - then Maybe marriage would be a natural follow through.

[TigerCub]

Cheating is not a fear, it is a conscious decision.

 

I agree, its definitely a conscious decision, but wouldn't a person fear that one day their spouse would make that conscious decision?

[TigerCub]

I don't fear it at all, I want a pretty bride

 

All you need is to be sure that's the person you want to have in your life.

 

Like this

 

aaaawww, that's sweet.

I'm glad that you're not cynical like me.

 

Although I'm not sure I believe in marriage,

I always made an exception for Denzel :love:

(one of my favorite Denzel scenes ever) - Oh he can ask me that question any day

[TigerCub]

That's not necessarily a fear, ma'am. More like an insecurity. If that's how they're going to feel all through their marriage then maybe they don't need to be married.

 

I see what you're saying.

I totally agree, I wouldn't get serious about someone that I would constantly wonder about. Good point

[TigerCub]

i have been married and divorced twice. life happens. I think the biggest issue is people think if they are in love it's enough. Marriage is work. And if both people don't continue to make a genuine effort toward themselves and each other it doesn't work. I could write a small novel elaborating on this. But the bottomline is the stress of life, bills, kids, family everything happens. Two people have to make an effort to keep the love alive. Both people one can't carry it.

 

If this is too personal, feel free to ignore.

But in your own trials with marriage, do you feel that things fell apart because one of you, or maybe both of you just stopped putting in the effort, or is it possible that someone was putting on a fake persona up until the marriage happened?

 

Thanks

[April72]

If this is too personal, feel free to ignore.

But in your own trials with marriage, do you feel that things fell apart because one of you, or maybe both of you just stopped putting in the effort, or is it possible that someone was putting on a fake persona up until the marriage happened?

 

Thanks

 

the first time I was sssooo young only 18.... so sure I changed I was not prepared for marriage or children.... but I got pregnant and married and tried my best it was a train wreck.

 

the 2nd time i was with the eternal bachelor.... and he once he decided he wanted to get married.... which was broungt on by me breaking up with him for someone more serious.... so he buckled down and got me to marry him and went back to acting like a bachelor. we wanted to best of both worlds which I feared to begin with.

 

I am now older and sit in my ways. I will probably do little changing... and the men I date are probably the same.... by now I think we are who we are... so it will be finding someone with the same interest and compromising on living situations.... but as far as changing... we won't be going thru new babies etc. So I think as long as we are on the same page and want the same things in life there won't be quite the range of change I experienced in my younger years.

 

not sure if that helped.

[PratyekaYana]

I'm posting this in the dating section because I actually want to see what the daters are thinking.

 

As a somewhat cynic when it comes to relationships, I don't know if I do want marriage ever.

 

But its common that a lot of guys think that women will change after marriage:

- Stop wanting sex

- Gain weight

- Nag more

- Want babies right away...

 

 

And women might think that guys will

- Stop being sweet or romantic

 

Cheating is a fear I think that happens on both sides.

 

But my question is - if we fear those things, does that mean that we think the person was faking who they are and what they like until they got what they wanted?

 

Or is it just something that happens with time?

But if that's true, why do some of these changes seem to happen within months of marriage?

 

I'm basing this on some stories I've read/heard, and just a general sense I get from guys mainly that talk about how women change after marriage.

 

So what is it that makes people change after marriage?

Or is it that our perspective/expectation is off?

 

Thanks

 

Many of my friends label my aversion to marriage as fear-based, and to some degree that's true, but I would prefer to think of it as healthy caution. Change is inevitable, particularly when it comes to people over a long span of time in situations with which they have no direct experience (I'm assuming that my hypothetical spouse and I will both be in our first marriages). Ideally, she and I will grow in a positive direction, constantly improving ourselves and transforming into better people while honoring and maintaining our marital bond and affection. The reality, though, is that I can only reasonably guarantee that path for myself. My wife may shift negatively and become a woman I no longer recognize nor want to know. Her behavior may make her unsuitable for continued marriage. Then what? Until I have the perfect answer for that, I'll just remain a bachelor .

 

I don't know why these changes appear to happen so swiftly after tying the knot. The stereotype that I've mentally built up around marriage would explain it as partners with incredible acting ability finally dropping the charade once they have the security of a marriage. Look how many women pretend to enjoy sex but then show their true, prudish colors afterwards. Look at the number of men that put their best feet forward until she's "theirs" at which point they become who they were to begin with. It's simply an issue of masks being retired. Of course, my theory is probably wildly inaccurate in the great majority of marriages experiencing early troubles so who knows?

[TigerCub]

the first time I was sssooo young only 18.... so sure I changed I was not prepared for marriage or children.... but I got pregnant and married and tried my best it was a train wreck.

 

the 2nd time i was with the eternal bachelor.... and he once he decided he wanted to get married.... which was broungt on by me breaking up with him for someone more serious.... so he buckled down and got me to marry him and went back to acting like a bachelor. we wanted to best of both worlds which I feared to begin with.

 

I am now older and sit in my ways. I will probably do little changing... and the men I date are probably the same.... by now I think we are who we are... so it will be finding someone with the same interest and compromising on living situations.... but as far as changing... we won't be going thru new babies etc. So I think as long as we are on the same page and want the same things in life there won't be quite the range of change I experienced in my younger years.

 

not sure if that helped.

 

Thanks so much for your reply April. I really understand what you were talking about in both cases.

I too believe that now like you said, whoever you would date would be set in their ways, as you are, and that should definitely limit the major surprises

[TigerCub]

Many of my friends label my aversion to marriage as fear-based, and to some degree that's true, but I would prefer to think of it as healthy caution. Change is inevitable, particularly when it comes to people over a long span of time in situations with which they have no direct experience (I'm assuming that my hypothetical spouse and I will both be in our first marriages). Ideally, she and I will grow in a positive direction, constantly improving ourselves and transforming into better people while honoring and maintaining our marital bond and affection. The reality, though, is that I can only reasonably guarantee that path for myself. My wife may shift negatively and become a woman I no longer recognize nor want to know. Her behavior may make her unsuitable for continued marriage. Then what? Until I have the perfect answer for that, I'll just remain a bachelor .

 

I don't know why these changes appear to happen so swiftly after tying the knot. The stereotype that I've mentally built up around marriage would explain it as partners with incredible acting ability finally dropping the charade once they have the security of a marriage. Look how many women pretend to enjoy sex but then show their true, prudish colors afterwards. Look at the number of men that put their best feet forward until she's "theirs" at which point they become who they were to begin with. It's simply an issue of masks being retired. Of course, my theory is probably wildly inaccurate in the great majority of marriages experiencing early troubles so who knows?

 

But that's just it - are there really that many fakers in the world?!

That's a very unsettling thought.

 

I guess that's why its best (IMO at least) to be with someone for years, live with them, and then get married - hopefully no one can keep up a charade for that long, and everyone knows what they're getting into by the time they tie the knot

[PratyekaYana]

But that's just it - are there really that many fakers in the world?!

That's a very unsettling thought.

 

I guess that's why its best (IMO at least) to be with someone for years, live with them, and then get married - hopefully no one can keep up a charade for that long, and everyone knows what they're getting into by the time they tie the knot

 

Honestly, a three year (or so) courtship during which she and I really get to explore the layers of who we are would be, to my thinking, excellent insurance against the fakers. The ironic part to that strategy is that statistically speaking couples that cohabit prior to marriage usually end up on the path of divorce regardless of that preparation, but that may be a separate issue according to the most widely given explanation behind that statistic.